1st birthday etiquette

[Pungifries]

Posting for traffic really. FTM so not really sure of etiquette.
I’m having a meal at a local family restaurant with play area for my DS first birthday. It’s not a kids party as such, no entertainment/ party games etc just a meal and get together with quite a large group of friends and family.
Not really sure of paying etiquette...do you think we should
A) pay for everyone (approx 45 people)
B) pay for kids (approx 20)
C) get wine/ drinks for the table
D) nice party bags and nice thank you cards after?

TIA xx

never heard of the opposite!
This is one of those polarising things. You'll get as many people saying you're incredibly rude to not pay as those like me saying I wouldn't expect you to pay or know anyone who would.

Is there any precedent in your friendship group?

In terms of precedent...I’ve never had a meal paid for in a social/ party situation but wondered if there was some children’s birthday etiquette that I was oblivious to!

Also just bear in mind that while you’ve
said no presents, everyone will still bring something for your 1 year old. You’ve had a really mixed response on here so you just need to think about what’s normal in your circle and whether to send a quick follow-up with the menu and just mention something in passing.

except that, yes, it is. That's literally what "inviting" means.

From google:

make a polite, formal, or friendly request to (someone) to go somewhere or to do something.

From cambridge:

invite verb [T] (ASK TO AN EVENT)
to request something, especially formally or politely:

to act in a way that causes or encourages something to happen or someone to believe or feel something:

From MW:

a: to offer an incentive or inducement to : ENTICE
b: to increase the likelihood of
invite trouble
2a: to request the presence or participation of
b: to request formally
c: to urge politely : WELCOME

Are you thinking of the etymology @FrauHaribo? That's not the same as the meaning. Even if you are assuming it comes direct from 'engain' (which is disputed) then the root of that is to pursue (i.e. pursuing someone to come to something) not the financial meaning of giving them something.

never heard of the opposite!

I believe you. I presume you grew up quite wealthy compared to me. It is weird that you don't believe the many people who have already stated that your expectations are not universal. Frankly I find it odd that anyone would need to be told that this can't be a universal cultural norm, let alone keep insisting it.

I think given it's your child's party, not just a random 'let's get together with the kids for a meal' then I would anticipate that some people might assume you're paying whereas others may not. Personally with the level of ambiguity I would make sure I could afford to pay for my own meal.

I'd say c. But be clear to everyone you're inviting about it. And maybe throw in a birthday cake.

Hopefully some family/friends will offer to pay. Thats what we do in my family and circle. Even if the host has specified they'll pay or its unclear we all chip in just in case.

I think it’s the element of being for a child’s party that blurs it. Normally everything would be paid for for a child's Birthday party but then you wouldn’t typically be inviting lots of people to a restaurant.

Friendship group going out generally in my experience all pay for each other, any special occasions I’ve been invited to recently across generations and invoking families and friends have been in private hire rooms and have been paid for. I do think to save any awkwardness on the day you need to clarify.

Gahh that didn’t meant sense. I meant friendship groups tend to pay their own way.

lots will assume if you’ve invited them to a party you’ll be paying

That depends. How many people need to die before someone coming to the party can accede to the throne, OP?

If the answer is that if you asked your guests that question at least 10% will think that you shouldn't accede in public and at least one will try to order it from the specials menu, then offering to pay will seem weird.

wondered if there was some children’s birthday etiquette that I was oblivious to!

If it was a party at home or a soft play type thing then that would be different. But you've already said it isn't a party like that.

I’m having a meal at a local family restaurant with play area for my DS first birthday. It’s not a kids party as such

So it's a normal meal out you've invited adults to along with their children. So in all my circle no expectation you'd pay. But as you can see there's no universal.

Hi,
Just so everyone is very clear without embarrassment you could follow up your first text with "so glad you can join us on xxx there is a carvery at £7.95/£4.95 for kids, various adult meals and fish finger/nugget option for kids also £4.95. The venue have agreed I can offer birthday cake for pudding x" (or similar).

Not sure if I missed it but you have forewarned the venue that they are expecting such a big crowd and asked if people need to pre-order? If people need to pre-order through you make sure they know the prices as it could make it look even more like you are going to pay.

If you aren't allowed to serve your cake in the restaurant then send people home with cake.

I would pay if I invited everyone to my child’s birthday meal which is why I wouldn’t do it.

I have invited 13 of ds friends to softplay for his 3rd birthday and made it clear on the invite it’s not a party arranged by the softplay place but I will be paying for entrance for all the kids, bringing a cake and providing a drink. This will cost about £60 all in as opposed to a £150 for a party.

I think you should cover all the drinks (so long as you haven't got anyone who will be having loads), but guests pay for their own food. And make it clear upon arrival.

I never expect anyone to pay for my meal. I see it the same way as if my friend was to ask if I wanted to go for dinner with her, I then wouldn't think "well you invited me" when it came to paying.

But I do agree that because it is a kids birthday it blurs the line a bit, I think i would offer to pay for the childrens meal and drinks on the table if I couldn't afford to pick up the whole bill.

To be honest this is a awkward one. If someone had invited me for a 1st birthday carvery I think I'd assume they were paying for the meal. Your invite didn't really clarify anything. As awkward as it is I think I'd message and just say...
Reminder that the meal starts at x.
The meal costs x per head.
We will be providing wine on the table and a birthday cake at the end.
Really looking forward to it.
If you can no longer make it please let me know so that I can tell the restaurant before hand.

Sounds fine to me. I don't have parties at home because some of my family members don't leave. Even if I ask them many times and it stresses me out too much. Easier to be out out.
I had party bags for my lo first birthday. More for the benefit of his older cousins though

I would never invite guests to a venue to celebrate something specific to my own family and not provide a meal or buffet. If I couldn’t afford a restaurant meal I would have it at home or hire a hall and provide a buffet/hire a caterer. People will definitely bring presents so it could end up very expensive all in for them and make you look rather mean and grabby if you let your guests pay for themselves. Even limiting them to a set meal and one drink would do it, making it clear in advance it’s from a set menu etc. I hope your party goes well. 1st birthdays are very special indeed.

Some might expect to pay. Some might expect to be paid for. Problem is, on the day, you can't pay for some and not others, it's all or nothing.

Firstly, a (cheap-ish) meal out for 45 is not the way to go for a one year olds birthday. Short of places that hold weddings, who will be able to arrange seating specific for large groups, you'll all be on tables here there and everywhere. Have you notified the place that 45 of you will be descending and ordering en masse? That can be a problem in itself. If budget's not an issue, then hire a private room, cater and pay for 45 and have a lovely party. I suspect budget is an issue though, or you wouldn't be worrying about paying for the food.

If you're going ahead with this, I suggest 2 options (based on you saying that you can't hold it at home)...

1. Group text everyone again. With a "could I please have definite numbers to confirm with the restaurant, will be in touch shortly with menus so we can pre-order, due to so many of you joining us, we will be covering the full drinks bill, but not the food bill, hope this is ok with everyone"...this lets you save a bit of face by paying for something, and gives those who might feel put out by having to pay for their meals an easy opportunity to say they can no longer make it.

1. Hire a village hall and do a buffet yourself. If you've got 20 children coming, they've got room to let off steam, you can play music, and a buffet for 45 can be done fairly inexpensively Vs a restaurant. Group text something like "how wonderful it is that so many of you are able to join us, we've had to book somewhere a little more spacious to accommodate us all, please join us at xyz hall, full buffet provided"

You've got yourself in a pickle, OP

I quite often get invited out for birthday meals and always expect to pay my own way and always do and normally all us 'guests' chip in to pay for the person whose birthday it is meal and drinks too but they are for adults I've never been to a child's birthday meal and all the other type of celebrations I've been to for a child's birthday I've only ever sometimes had to pay for my drinks,
I really wouldn't expect either way if I was invited to a child's birthday meal if I was to pay for myself or the parents would be and if my children were invited I'd be thinking maybe they will be paying for the kids not adults too, closest I can think of is years ago when I was young and it was all the thing to have a McDonald's party for your birthday that was birthday child's parents paying for all the kids happy meals adults payed for they own so I would go for this one

From your message, i would personally think I would be paying for myself. However there seems to be mixed feelings on here. I would send a follow up message, something like: "as people have asked, i just wanted to clarify. If everyone could pay for their own meals and extra drinks, we will be providing cake and wine. Cant wait to see you all there" or whatever. That way its clarified and youve made up a lil reason for the clarification without saying "maybe i didnt make this clear enough, pay for yourself" lol!
Hope you have a lovely 1st birthday meal :D

I would never expect people to pay for me at a restaurant! That is mad.

I swear Mumsnet is like a different world - or maybe I am from a different world? Either way, I always find it SO odd when people say ‘if you invite then you should pay’. What the Hell?! In my town people have get togethers in bars and restaurants all the time to celebrate birthdays and nobody would ever DREAM of the host/person whose birthday it is/parent of the person whose birthday it is paying for everyone’s meals and drinks! We would turn up if we wanted to and pay for our own food and drinks. If the host tried to pay for all our meals and/or drinks it would be very odd and make everyone quite uncomfortable I think. It’s never happened but I certainly wouldn’t be comfortable with it and would feel awful and insist on paying for myself and my family. Even parties at someone’s house, we wouldn’t expect the host to provide much - if it was a dinner party yeah they’d obviously make food but we would all bring along contributions to the meal and/or drinks. For a bbq we would contribute equally to bringing meat and salads and drinks. It’s so weird how Mumsnet acts like if you want to go to a restaurant to celebrate anything with your friends then you have to pay for everyone as I’ve never experienced this at any point in my life.

Does the carvery know that there will be (roughly) 45 people coming? That might prove a huge issue and they might tell you no.
As for who’s to pay, I think you should pay because you’ve invited everyone. You really would’ve been better doing a buffet in a hall with some balloons and Spotify playlist.
Sorry....hope your child has a great first birthday.

Another one here wondering if the restaurant know about the large group. I can't imagine they would have space for 45 people. Usually side rooms seat 20 or so, and even then you would have pre-booked food to help them cater for the large numbers.