Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Husband lying in bed all day...

106 replies

Migrainefun · 17/09/2019 17:33

Name changed as very outing.
My husband and I have 3 kids under 4, he has been depressed for a year, he revealed this when he was caught gambling and put 3000 on a credit card (he did sort this out) and recently has told me he's been self harming. Our relationship has been rocky recently and whenever I try to end it he seems to reveal more self harming to me and I am feeling like I can't do anything at the moment without the threat of self harm or depression.
He's also had a lot of migraines in the last 6 months, when he gets one he suddenly announces he is going to bed for the day. They are now weekly and so all our plans are cancelled and I am looking after the kids. I work 3 13.5 hour shifts (days or nights) a week and he is a stay at home dad. I have rheumatoid arthritis and have been struggling a lot recently but I'm having to ignore this at the moment because of what's going on.
I took him to the Drs as I was worried. He's has an mri which is clear, so no brain tumour, he's been diagnosed with migraines. He's had the treatments changed 3 times which I have sorted out for him.
I have asked whether I can get childcare (a family member) for the days I'm at work as I am worried about when this happens when I'm at work, but he's said no and says I am being ridiculous. If I moan he says "but you're not at work so what's the problem?" but I am exhausted. I'm exhausted from work, my arthritis and I do all the housework on top because he can't cope with extra work, I also do all the meal planning and shopping and most of the cooking. I feel like I am tiptoeing around because of this depression and self harm, and I can't cope with having the kids on my own 1 to 2 days a week on top of working long shifts and running a business (I forgot to put this detail in earlier) especially with my arthritis at the moment.
What do other people with migraines do??
I've asked if I can be the stay at home mum and he goes to work but he will never keep a job with needing 2 days a week unexpectedly in bed.
I would love to stay in bed as some days I can't write or bare weight on my foot but I have to get up and just get on. What the hell do I do? I hate my life right now and hate this relationship! I know i sound like a cow but I can't do this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Migrainefun · 17/09/2019 17:36

I meant to say I've taken him to the Drs today to get his anti depressants changed and start therapy but he's now got a migraine and is in bed as he said the stress of going to the doctors which I made him do has triggered one. I can't win.

OP posts:

ringletsandtwiglets · 17/09/2019 17:37

You don't sound like a cow. You sound like you've reached the end of your tether.

I don't have any advice. I suspect you should end the relationship, but I know that's much easier said than done.

Lots of love and hugs for you. Have you told your friends how you're feeling?

gamerchick · 17/09/2019 17:40

For starters the self harming is not your responsibility, this is his to deal with and not to be used as emotional blackmail. Nor are any threats to kill himself if they come. This environment is not healthy for your children.

If you want to end it as you've said then end it. You will burn out eventually.

For now though stop running around after him, let him sort himself out. He needs to take responsibility for something. Tell him to sort himself out or he can leave.

I think I'd be asking SS for some help with the children, a nursery or something for them.

AllFourOfThem · 17/09/2019 17:43

I go to bed when I have migraines as well because I cannot function with them. I take a lot of painkillers and move much more slowly because of my arthritis but am used to that as it is a daily occurrence (unlike my migraines).

But, and I know this is not what you asked, but it’s ok to leave him if the relationship is not working out. Don’t take on any guilt or blame because of his illnesses. They are not your responsibility.

pointythings · 17/09/2019 17:43

I think you should prepare to leave him. He's an adult. He's doing fuck all to help himself, he's failing you utterly as a partner and as the father of your DC. His threats to self harm are intended to keep you where you are, doing everything for him so that he doesn't have to step up and deal with his own problems.

And threatening self harm in that way is actually controlling behaviour.

Chesntoots · 17/09/2019 17:46

I stayed with someone for seven years because he threatened suicide every time I mentioned splitting up. Eventually after I suffered a breakdown I couldn't take it any more and ended it.

Guess what? He's still alive...

Gin96 · 17/09/2019 17:47

I have migraines, they’re awful and make you feel tired for a couple of days but I still go to work, I take pain killers, the odd day when I am really bad and I am being sick, crawling to the bathroom as I can’t open my eyes, I have to take a day off work, this is about once a year. I have bills to pay, I can’t sit at home and don’t want to.

Bookworm4 · 17/09/2019 17:48

Did his depression only get revealed when you found out about his gambling debts?
I’m sorry but he’s taking you for a mug, lying in bed all day, doing nothing in the house. Personally I’d ask him to leave until he actively helps himself, you’re acting like his mum; why are you taking him to doctor?
He’s now blackmailing you with self harm, the door is that way, put him through it.

DoctorAllcome · 17/09/2019 17:50

Op I have a lot of sympathy for you due to the rhematoid arthritis and working FT with 3 kids under 4. Similarly, I have sympathy for your DH who has migraines and depression.
Just know that migraines are not merely a headache. They are truly debilitating and the person often cannot get out of bed- unless you want them vomiting, falling over and passing out. So he literally cannot just get up and get on with things. Can he get beta blockers for them? My friend takes them and they will dramatically shorten her migraines from an entire day to a few hours.

I think the difficulty is that you both are struggling with disabilities while tryng to raise a family and earn an income. I would find a disability charity and see what you are eligible for to support both you and your DH. If he cannot work due to migraines, he should be eligible for some disability benefit. You should be too. There may be social support to help with the children too.

YorkshireLass81 · 17/09/2019 17:59

Hi, I work for a local authority in England. You could request a Carers Assessment based upon your caring role for your husband with his mental health problems. In this you can explain your difficulties in juggling this, paid employment, your caring responsibilities for your children as well as the household tasks. You can then request a carers personal budget (under the Care Act legislation) for financial support towards helping you in your caring role. Examples include money towards a cleaner or ironing service, money for a short break for you and the kids away from your caring role, money towards an item that would make your life easier eg a dryer etc or even things like an annual gym pass. We do these applications most weeks for people in similar circumstances to yours x

june2007 · 17/09/2019 18:00

Depression is real. Migraines are painful. I understand it's hard. I too get frustrated with my husband who now has a longterm condition. However he is suffering both physical and mental health problems he nneds support, yes depressents but also perhaps counselling and also trying to set goals. Sounds like you need to talk together.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 17/09/2019 18:02

What Bookworm said!

When you collapse with physical and mental exhaustion who will care for your children? Stay-In-Bed Fred or Social Services? Or maybe they will be split up and farmed out to various family members? Think about them. They already don't have a father, in the actual sense, so you must do what is right for you and for them.

FrauHaribo · 17/09/2019 18:06

He's taking the piss.

I suffer from migraines, they are absolutely horrendous. I genuinely cannot drive, tend to be sick and the pain is unbelievable. I haven't got the luxury to lay in bed all day, I still take care of my kids! Badly, they will watch a lot of tv and eat frozen food (defrosted obviously).

Not letting you get help when he's doing bugger all is unacceptable.
If he was really in that much pain, he would accept anything and anyone just to stay in bed in the dark. If he's just pissing about and telling you to get on with him, he's completely unreasonable.

You are not a cow, he's a twat.

Tonnerre · 17/09/2019 18:07

The migraines seem a little convenient. What happens when he gets one? Is he able to eat? Is he sick? How long does he go to bed for, and can he get up for the loo/phone etc?

Original poster

Migrainefun · 17/09/2019 18:23

When he gets one he says he's been sick, and goes upstairs and either sleeps for hours or goes on his phone. It once popped up on the xbox that he was playing a phone on his game but he said he opened it by mistake. It feels constant.

Today he's been in bed 12 till 5 and I couldn't do it anymore, my back was agony. I asked him to put the kids food in the oven while I bathed them and he went funny and said I shouldn't bath them and should let him rest and make their food myself.

Really interested to hear about the carers stuff, I will look into this tonight.

OP posts:

Bookworm4 · 17/09/2019 18:27

Migraine my arse, he’s playing you, lazy get.

pottedshrimps · 17/09/2019 18:27

He's pulling your chain. Migraines are severely painful and the light from the screen would make the pain worse.

He doesn't have migraines.

He doesn't get any headaches.

He's taking the piss.

ProperVexed · 17/09/2019 18:27

I can't be the only one who thinks your DP is lying. He has convenient migraines and let's you do all the work. If this was a real migraine he would not be playing games on his phone.
Catch him out, kick him out and get on with your life. Being without him will be far easier than being with him.

FrauHaribo · 17/09/2019 18:29

or goes on his phone.

that's not a migraine.

Original poster

Migrainefun · 17/09/2019 18:31

I don't think he spends ages on his phone, like he sleeps, will read a bit on his phone, message me moaning about how bad his head is. I feel like perhaps he is having migraines but the sort that most people would carry on with a Nd go to work? But he keeps saying "but you're not at work" so basically I'm there so why shouldn't he get to sleep it off? I'm just tired.

OP posts:

pointythings · 17/09/2019 18:32

My sister gets migraines. When she has one, she absolutely cannot go on her phone or do anything.

When they pass, she works and does her bit around the house she shares with her DP.

You're being taken for a ride here, OP. Forget the carer assessment nonsense, your DH needs his backside kicked.

Ravingstarfish · 17/09/2019 18:32

I have severe depression, anxiety, arthritis, fibromyalgia and migraines.
Some days are hell but I still clean up, wash up, cook dinners. A migraine is debilitating, there’s no way he could be on his phone with one. I have emergency boxes for when I have one. Migraleve and cold compress for me, packet meals for dinner and colouring book and toys for ds.
You don’t sound like a cow but either he needs to take responsibility and plan for really bad days, he needs to be an adult and persevere regardless of how he feels.
And he should never, ever use depression or self harm to keep you in line, that’s abuse.
If I were you I’d tell him he needs to get a grip and sort things out, he needs to do majority of housework, cooking and childcare if you’re the only one working and I’m sorry but if he doesn’t like it you should leave.

FrauHaribo · 17/09/2019 18:35

will read a bit on his phone, message me moaning about how bad his head is.

really, that's not a migraine.

If he can do that, he can do everything else. Most people who can't even do that still have to get up and get on with it. The only time a person with a really bad migraine will go on their phone is to message for help!

It's outrageous to chill and leaving you all the work. He is taking the piss.

Happypelican · 17/09/2019 18:37

He’s taking the piss I’ve had the occasional migraine and they’re horrendous. I vomit and have to sleep them off looking at a screen is unbearable I have to sit in the dark. He’s clearly just sat in bed playing on his phone letting you run yourself into the ground. Leave him call his bluff and go and see how he reacts, ignore all his false self harm bollocks it’s not your responsibility you’ve tried to help and he has no interest.

KatherineJaneway · 17/09/2019 18:37

To be honest I think he is using all these things to manipulate you and so he can sit on his arse while you do everything for him and your DC.

Don't get me wrong I understand depression and how bad migraines are but what you are describing is just a lazy git.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5