Husband lying in bed all day...

[Migrainefun]

Name changed as very outing.
My husband and I have 3 kids under 4, he has been depressed for a year, he revealed this when he was caught gambling and put 3000 on a credit card (he did sort this out) and recently has told me he's been self harming. Our relationship has been rocky recently and whenever I try to end it he seems to reveal more self harming to me and I am feeling like I can't do anything at the moment without the threat of self harm or depression.
He's also had a lot of migraines in the last 6 months, when he gets one he suddenly announces he is going to bed for the day. They are now weekly and so all our plans are cancelled and I am looking after the kids. I work 3 13.5 hour shifts (days or nights) a week and he is a stay at home dad. I have rheumatoid arthritis and have been struggling a lot recently but I'm having to ignore this at the moment because of what's going on.
I took him to the Drs as I was worried. He's has an mri which is clear, so no brain tumour, he's been diagnosed with migraines. He's had the treatments changed 3 times which I have sorted out for him.
I have asked whether I can get childcare (a family member) for the days I'm at work as I am worried about when this happens when I'm at work, but he's said no and says I am being ridiculous. If I moan he says "but you're not at work so what's the problem?" but I am exhausted. I'm exhausted from work, my arthritis and I do all the housework on top because he can't cope with extra work, I also do all the meal planning and shopping and most of the cooking. I feel like I am tiptoeing around because of this depression and self harm, and I can't cope with having the kids on my own 1 to 2 days a week on top of working long shifts and running a business (I forgot to put this detail in earlier) especially with my arthritis at the moment.
What do other people with migraines do??
I've asked if I can be the stay at home mum and he goes to work but he will never keep a job with needing 2 days a week unexpectedly in bed.
I would love to stay in bed as some days I can't write or bare weight on my foot but I have to get up and just get on. What the hell do I do? I hate my life right now and hate this relationship! I know i sound like a cow but I can't do this.

OP are you working 3 long days or nights and trying to run a business and then looking after your 3 small children and one big child when you are not at work? Janey Mac I'm tired just writing that. And you have a debilitating illness on top of that?! You need to start looking after yourself. Can you get a home help or au pair to help with childcare when you're at home. I agree with a previous poster who asked if your husband has parents he could visit for a long rest. Your husband sounds a bit like my ex husband who is now in his 50's and living with his parents. He hasn't been fit to work in about 8 years now. Although he is well enough to take solicitors and the Legal Aid Board to Court. A judge said to him once that bringing all those Legal Actions must take up a lot of time! And he also told me that he had a full time job 'chasing corrupt solicitors'! And he doesn't pay a cent in maintenance because he's too busy to find a paying job!

If a self harmer is telling and showing you about it, they are only doing it to manipulate you. I used to do that as a teen to make my boyfriend feel bad (not proud of this) and recently my daughter tried to end a seriously messed up relationship and her boyfriend started sending videos of him self harming till she felt unable to break up. That is tbe whole point - to make you feel responsible and guilty.

You jave your own healtg issues. I also have RA and it is miserable enough without having to pander and pussyfoot around someone else's issues. Are you even sure his migraines are real? Very easy to fake a migraine u less they brain scan while it is literally happening.

You are already living as a single mum. I think you know you need to just make a break and leave. Either he will get his act together and improve enough to deserve you or he will not, but he isn't your child and you need ti take care of yourself.

Let him lie in his own self pity. He is manipulating you into staying by telling you he self harms. Call his bluff and call the Police next time he does it, that and his depression will get him sectioned and hopefully he will see he needs helps.

You are not responsible for his wellbeing. He needs to take responsibility himself, and i most certainly not be leaving the children with him.

It’s unreasonable for you to carry such a load. I can’t really advise you. However, Botox cured my sister’s migraines, and I have a friend whose arthritis has disappeared thanks to CBD oil, one drop in the morning, one at night.

I can’t vouch for the oil, but I know the Botox has been studied clinically.

Sorry to say OP but you’re being taken for a ride.
Not only does his depression etc only get ramped up when you’re leaving or criticising him for being lazy,
He’s on his phone when he has these “migraines” and only ever has them when you’re home.

I’ve had a few migraine and pray I never have another, I couldn’t do anything. Genuinely could only crawl into bed hide under the covers and wait for it to pass. I could not even approach the windows to draw the curtains! No way would I be able to play games or text etc.

More willingly he hides behind his depression when you want to leave. Very manipulative, bordering on emotional abuse (if not actually abuse!) and not your responsibility.

Today he moaned that when I leave him in bed alone to sleep all day with his migraine, I make him aware that it's inconvenient and shouldn't let him know that it is impacting the house as that depresses him.

I'd be responding with being in extreme pain but nonetheless being expected to do absolutely everything because he won't get out of bed DEPRESSES ME! Followed with he gets himself help or you'll seriously have to evaluate if this is the life you want.

OP - does he have any family that could take him in? I know it's hard but I'd suggests he packs up and goes for a while.

I asked him to go and stay with his mum for a few days until he's better and he said he will do "fuck all" and when I said that we will go then (bluff as I know nowhere big enough to house all of us) he said "tra"

Stop caring for him. No food cooked. No laundry done. Wifi password changed. Don't answer his messages. Do the minimum needed to keep you and your children ticking over and act as if he isn't there. And start planning your divorce. You absolutely have grounds under unreasonable behaviour.

Stop caring for him. No food cooked. No laundry done. Wifi password changed. Don't answer his messages. Do the minimum needed to keep you and your children ticking over and act as if he isn't there. And start planning your divorce. You absolutely have grounds under unreasonable behaviour.

THIS ^ especially after your recent update, he's a dick. Look after yourself OP

Ltb op - you have 3 kids not 4. When it’s just you and the kids and you have one less person to run around after I bet you’ll suddenly feel a lot better yourself.

Some migraines you can take meds, they subside a little so you could suffer through work etc.

Other migraines are like an axe in your head and you go to bed and can't barely move. The next day is still painful with nausea etc and you are drained.

I've suffered from both for 28 years now.

I hate people who say oh I got a migraine and went to work.

Clearly they didn't have the head cut into with an axe kind or the gone blind so how do you drive kind.

He's either lying or doesn't know what a migraine is. There's no way you'd be looking at a phone screen if you have one. I get them in times of stress and/or sleep deprivation.

They're not just a headache. It varies for everyone I'm sure but for me my vision is the first thing to be affected. It goes completely blurry/blackspots, my speech slurs, I can't form coherent sentences and I start vomiting. BUT in spite of all that I've still managed to look after my DC because I have to. Television goes on (I can't even look at it as I switch it on that's how bad it is) I wear sunglasses all day, give them cereal for dinner and I make it through as best I can. Lying around in bed would be preferable of course but it's not an option when you have DC.

I don't want to minimize someone's depression but judging by your post your DH is manipulative and has already proven himself to be a sneaky liar (gambling debt) so I would take his claims with a pinch of salt.

These people don't change OP - they also don't tend to harm themselves when you leave them. It's a control mechanism and he has you right where he wants you. Leave!

What an awful human being you’re married to. He can see you’re nearly on your knees with exhaustion and he still doesn’t help 😡

Agree with PP s about emotional blackmail/manipulation and a out migraine!

I had these on and off and there is no way in the world I could have opened my eyes or looked at a screen. He may well be a migraine sufferer but he also finds it convenient to announce one whenever you're around.

Bottom line: your husband has left you. He has left the relationship; he has given up caring for the children while you're there; he has abdicated from all financial responsibility.

He has left you. There's just a needy fake invalid where he used to be.

Don't ask his permission to get the help you need in the house and with the children; just organise it. I don't doubt he's terrified of someone else being in the house on a regular basis seeing what he's done to you. Tough.

Meanwhile, you are completely entitled to stop enabling him. You don't need to announce it, just do it. Stop discussing or listening to his health concerns, just "Okay," when he tells you he's off to bed again. Stop fussing him to get help. Stop asking him to pull his weight. Stop expecting anything - he's not there, remember?

Likewise, stop servicing him. Laundry, meals, shopping, messages etc. Don't lift a finger for him. If he wants a glass of water, he can fetch it himself. Deprive him of the oxygen of your attention and concern. Remove his audience.

Plan your life and activities as if he didn't exist.

How boring can you make it for him? Why not take the router with you whenever you leave the house? If you're paying his phone contract, stop.

If you are paying into joint accounts he can spend from, re-organise finances so he can't just dip in. The gambling thing demands this anyway.

If he cannot or will not help himself, it's futile for you to expend time and energy trying.

Next time he tries emotional blackmail over self-harm, calmly tell him his life and body are his own and he must take 100% responsibility for them and what he does with them.

He wants you all gone, I think, and is waiting you out while he wears you out. He may also think that by taking to his bed, he is making himself divorce-proof. I suggest that he is not. Yes, it sounds bad - she divorced him while he was debilitated?! - but you have enough evidence of unreasonable behaviour to start proceedings now if you want to.

How is this impacting the children?

How can you possibly open anything on a phone "by mistake"? When I have a migraine, I can't read anything, let alone stuff on a phone screen, and if I touch my phone at all it is only to turn the sound off.

The fact that he never has migraines when you're working speaks volumes. Is he really adding anything to your life? Wouldn't you be better off booting him out and contacting social services for help?

You are being abused.
For over 20 years I dealt with ex dh's depression. I cooked, cleaned, washed, shopped, the lot. Not once did he do a school run, a wash load, a meal, a packed lunch. He was too depressed, he was ill, he was in pain. Do you know what, I took the risk, despite the self harm and suicide threats. He met a woman within three months, he's not dead, he's feeding himself, he's clean, he shops, he goes out, etc. Because he has too. He didn't love me, he loved what I could do for him. Get out!

Deprive him of the oxygen of your attention and concern. Remove his audience
^^this. I'd also pull a case out of the cupboard for the poor mite and give him a deadline to pack and leave. If he self harms or threatens to; suggest he requests a Self referral for a section order as he can't keep himself safe.....and you certainly can't with x 3 kids to look after. Hopefully a few weeks away with give those new drugs a chance to kick in and you can both make some clearer decisions moving forward. You are a much needed Mum Op, please don't hang on and let the thing that eventually snaps be your health - your kids need their mum.

I'd also divert your business income out of temptations reach asap.

A friend of mine had a husband like yours, who was to depressed to do housework, he said he was trying to start up a new business but put no effort into it and just spent money, he was well enough to go out though and spend money on supposedly clients. Everyone said to leave him but she couldn’t do that to him, until he had an affair and blamed her for not giving him enough attention and she had let herself go 😡

I am sensitive towards mental health. I have had depression and anxiety. I have had PTSD too. I am aware that not everyone situation is different and people experience mental health very differently to everyone else.

However.

Your H sounds like he is taking the piss. He sounds extremely manipulative.

Revealing more self harm when you want to leave? Emotional blackmail.

Migraines on your days off? Abandoning responsibilities.

Refusing extra help? Pushing you further into the ground there.

You sound utterly exhausted and like you are carrying this man. I think you would be happier without him.

Have you got any family that might be able to help? Or friends who you can do some babysitting swaps with?

Do you think, if you left, you would find it easier, harder or just as hard? If your answer is easier or just as hard, you have no reason to stay...

You've not got a husband, you've got an extra child.
I totally get depression and migraines and how debilitating they are, but he takes no responsibility for himself (or his family). You can't help someone that chooses not to help themselves.
Did he stay at his mums last night? Have you heard from him this morning and how are you yourself?

he said the stress of going to the doctors which I made him do has triggered one. I can't win.

He is REALLY manipulative.
You are doing all the work, all the housework, all the mental load stuff, while he exercises his hypochondria.

You are not responsible for him, but his game-playing is making you so, & stopping you from calling him to account.
You effectively have a 4th child on your hands.
You need to have a serious talk. Tell him he needs to start proactively managing his own mental health, step up to managing the household, & start thinking about how to better support you.
Tell him he has 7 days to get support via a GP, & start taking proper charge of the kids & house.
If you see no improvement, you have no option but to protect yoru OWN health - mental & physical - by removing him, the cause of all of your additional strain, from the household.

He is behaving like a complete leech. It's highly likely that he will self-harm once youve spoken to him, to manipulate you into submission. Let him.
& see a lawyer asap.

So sorry you are having to manage this intolerable load. xx

Today he moaned that when I leave him in bed alone to sleep all day with his migraine, I make him aware that it's inconvenient and shouldn't let him know that it is impacting the house as that depresses him.

What are you meant to do about that?
He is really playing you.
He may well be depressed. That's no reason to be a total twat to you.
His depression is his responsibility, & he either needs to start acting like an adult, or fuck off.

Next time just do your thing in the house. Sing play the stereo loud. Let the kids run riot. So called migraines, my arse! He's a nasty shit.