Husband lying in bed all day...

[Migrainefun]

Name changed as very outing.
My husband and I have 3 kids under 4, he has been depressed for a year, he revealed this when he was caught gambling and put 3000 on a credit card (he did sort this out) and recently has told me he's been self harming. Our relationship has been rocky recently and whenever I try to end it he seems to reveal more self harming to me and I am feeling like I can't do anything at the moment without the threat of self harm or depression.
He's also had a lot of migraines in the last 6 months, when he gets one he suddenly announces he is going to bed for the day. They are now weekly and so all our plans are cancelled and I am looking after the kids. I work 3 13.5 hour shifts (days or nights) a week and he is a stay at home dad. I have rheumatoid arthritis and have been struggling a lot recently but I'm having to ignore this at the moment because of what's going on.
I took him to the Drs as I was worried. He's has an mri which is clear, so no brain tumour, he's been diagnosed with migraines. He's had the treatments changed 3 times which I have sorted out for him.
I have asked whether I can get childcare (a family member) for the days I'm at work as I am worried about when this happens when I'm at work, but he's said no and says I am being ridiculous. If I moan he says "but you're not at work so what's the problem?" but I am exhausted. I'm exhausted from work, my arthritis and I do all the housework on top because he can't cope with extra work, I also do all the meal planning and shopping and most of the cooking. I feel like I am tiptoeing around because of this depression and self harm, and I can't cope with having the kids on my own 1 to 2 days a week on top of working long shifts and running a business (I forgot to put this detail in earlier) especially with my arthritis at the moment.
What do other people with migraines do??
I've asked if I can be the stay at home mum and he goes to work but he will never keep a job with needing 2 days a week unexpectedly in bed.
I would love to stay in bed as some days I can't write or bare weight on my foot but I have to get up and just get on. What the hell do I do? I hate my life right now and hate this relationship! I know i sound like a cow but I can't do this.

His migraines sound made up to be honest. My brother used to get them as a young teenager and when he did, he literally could not stand any light at all. A screen would have been impossible for him to look at.

It sounds like a lot of your husband's problems are convenient lies and I would seriously think about ending the relationship. You've be better off on your own.

Your husband is manipulating you.
Mine did the same.
Are you sure he is taking his antidepressants? Mine insisted he was, but when I checked he was taking maybe 1 or 2 a week only.
I felt for years that I couldnt leave him because it want his fault he was ill.
But the fact is that your husband is DELIBERATELY failing to help himself and DELIBERATELY leaving the burden of running a home, looking after a family and putting food on the table to you, despite the fact that he knows you have health problems of your own.
Do you suspect that he is, shall we say, making the most of his illness? If so, you have to act to stop his selfish behaviour NOW.
Depressed or not, migraine or not, there is a minimum level of participation required if he wishes to be a member of your family.
You cannot afford to break. Your family need you. So you must look after yourself NOW. This means getting him to pull his weight. Slowly if necessary. With lots of breaks. From a sitting position if necessary. But non-participation cannot h tolerated.
I was forced to quit my marriage. And you know what, all the things he couldn't do before, he is managing just fine

Yeah, he's lying. If he miraculously manages not to have these 'migraines' when he's got the DC alone and you're at work, then he's being a lazy fuckwit.

How is everyone so sure that he’s just being ‘ lazy’ rather than exhibiting symptoms of depression or psychosomatic pain ? This shows a real ignorance about depression. I’m not suggesting that I know for sure whether he is playing up, by the way, but it’s not helpful to dismiss him with such certainty when no one here as ever met the man.

That said, OP, neither should you feel obligated to remain in a relationship which is likely to adversely impact on your young children.

He has literally never had one when I have been at work, seems to always be my first day off! Im sure he has been sick with them but I'm sure he's making the most of them.

I get bad migraines and sometimes that does mean OH doing everything for the kids. But then I try to make up for it at other times. I think this is more about your overall sense that he is a very demanding child rather than a partner, more than the migraines themselves.

My oh gets migraines and takes to his bed occasionally. When I go and check on him He is either unconscious, face covered in a cold cloth, curled in a feotle position in bed or in the shower tray under the spray with ever crack of light blocked. In other words he looks like death. This does not sound like your husband. I am also sceptical of the reality of these headaches.

Today he moaned that when I leave him in bed alone to sleep all day with his migraine, I make him aware that it's inconvenient and shouldn't let him know that it is impacting the house as that depresses him.

Only has them on your days of 🤣🤣
How are you putting up with this? You have your own health to think of.
What a horrible selfish man.

Sounds like he's having you on. You found out about his gambling and then he got depressed. He gets migraines when you're there to look after the kids, but conveniently not on the days when you're at work?

Ffs with every update he’s sounding more and more like a completely twat! My dm has suffered migraines her whole life. No way he would be able to ay a game on his phone for 5 hours if he really had a migraine. He’s playing you. You need to leave ASAP.

I get terrible migraines, and trust me I can even string a sentence together my words get all jumbled, along with the flashing prisms of light in my eyes and the pain in my head. I cannot tolerate any light as such and have to lie down in a dark room after taking my medication.

OP you cannot be everything to everyone, you are being stretched always and seriously your going to end up really ill, I'm worried for you. I would never suggest this but on this occasion I will. Your better of alone with the kids, otherwise your going to get so dragged down by your husbands behaviour/ conditions your be fit for nothing.

Remember this when it comes to your husbands 'conditions' and make it your mantra:-

You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it

He doesn't appreciate what an angel he's got in you. You only get one life and you deserve to be happy.

Good luck and chin up. X

www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/support-and-benefits-for-carers/carer-assessments/

Here is some more info on the carers stuff if you're interested.

I can't say from your post if he's lying or not but some people with a real depressive illness do behave like this. Think about a child with autism trying to keep it in and behave at school all day leading to huge meltdowns at home after school. Depression and mental illness can manifest itself in a similar way eg, it may look like he's holding it together when he has to and then "behaves differently " when you're around.

How is everyone so sure that he’s just being ‘ lazy’ rather than exhibiting symptoms of depression or psychosomatic pain ? This shows a real ignorance about depression.

well, very simply, none of that would stop you from taking care of your kids if you had no choice and worst, stop your partner from getting help! That's outrageous.

So yes, lazy.

Migraine sufferer here and I also call utter bullshit on this. Even allowing for the fact migraines symptoms vary amongst sufferers it’s highky unlikely he would be able to use his phone for games etc. I sure as hell can’t and don’t know anyone with them who could. And again even though they are caused by various different factors I’ve yet to hear of them presenting so conveniently every single time. Nope.

Sorry but you really are being had here.

Sorry but he is taking the absolute piss. I bet he doesn't even have migraines. And whilst I have sympathy for people with genuine mental health problems, it sounds like he is using his to emotionally blackmail you.

I would leave and actually follow through. Bet you a million quid he won't do anything to himself if you do.

Oh and he won't let you get childcare? Just do it! Do you need his permission?

My ex used to have 'migraines' which necessitates him going to bed. I am pretty sure they were a mild headache as agin he would be on phone etc.

They also never happened when he was at work or solo with kids.....

He doesn't have migraines. The last thing you can do on a migraine is look at any screens or read, unless you want the ball of white hot pain in your head to explode until you vomit. I need to lie in a dark room with a cold wet flannel over my eyes and to just be left alone.
Depression is exhausting, and you can be supportive but he will need to take responsibility for it and seek his own help. He can't keep pinning you with it.
You can't possibly carry on like this or you will burn out.
You need caring for too.

That's a huge issue then isn't it because as well as manipulating you and not contributing to family, he is deliberately making life harder for you and then stops you from raising anything because it 'depresses him'. Is he accessing therapy then? He is deliberately doing this when its convenient to him and is running you in to the ground in the process which he doesn't seem to care about. Presumably he's magically able to look after the kids when you're at work and is well enough to do so.

OP, you must save yourself here. And prioritise your health & care of DC.

I think he is controlling you through manipulation (threatening self-harm) & inaction (doing nothing to contribute to family life).

It's probably a horrible realisation for you.

I unfortunately have one like that too & am working a way out.

I think you’re a saint

Jeez. The answer is blindingly obvious. Good luck.

I'm sorry but you dh is getting headaches not migraines. I don't get them often but when I do I literally can't focus on anything and can't handle any light of any sort. I wouldn't be able to look at my phone at all!! No chance of texting or reading!!!

Has he got parents you can send him back to for “ a proper rest” and just don’t let him back, he’s taking the piss

Oh love you sound totally fed up and rightly so. I have a chronic pain condition ( fibromyalgia ) and am unable to work, I also have other health issues but I am in awe of what you’re doing. You work long hours, run a business, shop, cook and clean and then have a demanding young family at home and a seemingly useless husband.

Something has to give here. You cannot continue with this long term. Can I ask what happens if DH gets a migraine when you’re at work and he’s in charge of 3 young children? He can’t just take himself to bed.

I believe he’s massively manipulating you by basically saying if you object to his lifestyle then he will self harm. You cannot live like this. You may aswell have 4 children as he sounds utterly incompetent.

What did he do for work before?

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. You deserve a medal. I’ve seen it recommended on here before that Home Start are amazing for people in your predicament. You need help. I hope you get some