Husband lying in bed all day...

[Migrainefun]

Name changed as very outing.
My husband and I have 3 kids under 4, he has been depressed for a year, he revealed this when he was caught gambling and put 3000 on a credit card (he did sort this out) and recently has told me he's been self harming. Our relationship has been rocky recently and whenever I try to end it he seems to reveal more self harming to me and I am feeling like I can't do anything at the moment without the threat of self harm or depression.
He's also had a lot of migraines in the last 6 months, when he gets one he suddenly announces he is going to bed for the day. They are now weekly and so all our plans are cancelled and I am looking after the kids. I work 3 13.5 hour shifts (days or nights) a week and he is a stay at home dad. I have rheumatoid arthritis and have been struggling a lot recently but I'm having to ignore this at the moment because of what's going on.
I took him to the Drs as I was worried. He's has an mri which is clear, so no brain tumour, he's been diagnosed with migraines. He's had the treatments changed 3 times which I have sorted out for him.
I have asked whether I can get childcare (a family member) for the days I'm at work as I am worried about when this happens when I'm at work, but he's said no and says I am being ridiculous. If I moan he says "but you're not at work so what's the problem?" but I am exhausted. I'm exhausted from work, my arthritis and I do all the housework on top because he can't cope with extra work, I also do all the meal planning and shopping and most of the cooking. I feel like I am tiptoeing around because of this depression and self harm, and I can't cope with having the kids on my own 1 to 2 days a week on top of working long shifts and running a business (I forgot to put this detail in earlier) especially with my arthritis at the moment.
What do other people with migraines do??
I've asked if I can be the stay at home mum and he goes to work but he will never keep a job with needing 2 days a week unexpectedly in bed.
I would love to stay in bed as some days I can't write or bare weight on my foot but I have to get up and just get on. What the hell do I do? I hate my life right now and hate this relationship! I know i sound like a cow but I can't do this.

I’ve suffered both migraines and depression; both are highly debilitating. Depression in particular can sap someone of the will to do anything. However, neither depression nor migraine cause someone to behave with a total lack of regard for their partner and children, those things are rooted in personality and beliefs about relationships. He is holding power over you and, though he may be ill, he’s also manipulative and abusive. I lived with someone for ten years who ‘held’ his mental health over me as a manipulative ploy, often taking to his bed when thwarted, avoiding getting a job and taking any responsibility for himself. Was he depressed? Yes, probably. He was also, at times, a solid gold tosser - the two are not mutually exclusive.

I suffer migraines. I had an awful one yesterday - my eyesight 'went' (it goes blurry) and a colleague had to drive me home. I went straight to bed with blackout blinds, a cold mask on my face and didn't surface for 4 hours. I drank a small amount of water then went back to bed and stayed there until this morning.
I couldn't open my eyes and focus, never mind use my phone.
Although migraine symptoms differ from person to person, light sensitivity is something most people have in common so the last thing you'd do is watch tv
/ play x box / use your phone.

My opinion is that your DH is suffering 'headaches' when it suits him. I definitely don't have the benefit of having migraines only when I'm home with someone to look after me!

I also used to be a support working, working with people who suffer mental illness. A lot of people with depression are not aware of how hard their illness is for the people around them BUT they also don't tend to demand that people look after them.
From the outside looking in it appears he became ill, enjoyed the fuss and having you look after him and is now using it to manipulate you.

You are exhausted. If you go under, who will care for your children? Look after yourself first, you can't do everything.

Another migraine sufferer here and I'm calling bullshit on his very convenient migraines. He might have a headache. Next time point him in the direction of the aspirin. Games messaging and reading are nigh on impossible with a migraine.

He isn't helping himself. Or you /your relationship. I get severe & frequent migraines. I am not able to work due to them - I pretty much have to go to bed when one comes on. However, the rest of the time, I try to get as much as possible done, as I know the next attack could come at any point. DH is retraining as well as working, we have a DD, & unless I'm sick in bed, I make sure there's absolutely minimal cooking, housework etc for him to do (as he has to do everything, including personal stuff for me, when I'm ill).

You're not responsible for his state of mind/mental health. There's no easy answer. It really depends how much you feel he contributes to your family life, & how much you want the relationship to to continue. It does sound like he might be milking his ill health.

I agree re the PP who say that games, messaging & reading are very unpleasant with a migraine - I would certainly not do them at the height of an attack. I generally listen to audiobooks or the radio if I can't sleep through it (I get bored as I spend a lot of time there). If he's just laying in bed gaming or reading, he's swinging the lead. At least, I would say he's well enough to be on the sofa watching the kids.

I have migraines. They do make driving horribly difficult, but it’s surprising what you do when you have no choice (eg driving home from work). I don’t take time off work. I have a colleague who did and quickly ran out of sick days. If it’s the weekend I might take two hours out to lie on the couch and groan, but when responsibilities beckon I take a painkiller and get on with it, as I suspect do most people.

When I've had migraines, there's not a chance I'll even browse something untaxing like fb. I spend my time rolling around the bed, punching my head (counterproductive but desperate) or whimpering. I occasionally pick up my phone as a habit but it goes straight back down again.

It does sound like your life will be simpler without him. At the moment you're being pulled into his drama but if you're only interaction was to drop the children off once a week, you'd be free to please yourself the rest of the time.

OP...something honestly smells fishy here with him. Any indication of ongoing gambling or possibly alcohol addiction, or prescription drug addiction? Check the waste / recycle bin for disposed stashes, smell for alcohol ....the overuse of mints or toothpaste is a big giveaway. Check the bank accounts too. People self harm for a variety of reasons; anxious habitual picking, for the calm that comes after cutting or for the distraction of a real physical pain in lieu of some other unbearable pain.
Does he eat well? Does his clean himself - teeth, shave, shower? How's the libido? Is he sleeping solidly at night? These basic functions are things that genuine depression really impacts.
You could suggest B12 vitamin? But something doesn't add up for me. How about suggesting a trial separation, detach a little, let him live with nothing other than his illness for a while. Cos it sounds to me right now like he's using you, his partner and carer very unfairly as a warped rationale for whatever problem he has...instead of taking any personal responsibility.

Trying turning the wifi off at night too.

He is controlling you. If he was shouting at you and hitting you to make you do all the work you would be out of there. He is lying in bed whining and making you feel guilty to make you do all the work. Plus - a gambler, bloody hell, send him off somewhere for a nice rest and change the locks.

Has he actually been self-harming or just told you that he is, much like the migraines? I have only had one migraine in my life but I've been self-harming on and off for over forty years. I never use it as a threat. It's something secret to reduce pressure and I always hide as much as I can though my arm is covered in fine silver scars to those who look and actually see. Is there any evidence or is it just another thing to hold over your head to manipulate you? Most people who self-harm are too ashamed to threaten it or show it off or even talk about it outside a medical or therapy situation.

This is going to sound extremely unkind, but having a partners total support when someone has depression, may actually make matters worse.

When the depressed person isn’t required to do anything with their life and has no responsibilities, they may sink deeper down.

This isn’t in any way to say all depressed people just need to pull themselves together, I know it isn’t that simple and most depressed people need help, but it is to say that the help they need is not to do everything for them.

OP, you may have to be cruel to be kind to help with his depression, and leave him.

If he can go on his phone, he doesn't have a migraine. I get them and it's like having a hot knife embedded in my head. It also means I can't bear sources or light, whether the sun or a screen.

Oh my God - if he 'so say' has a migraine severe enough to take to his bed & completely abdicate himself from family life when you're on your knees with pain & exhaustion then he DEFINITELY wouldn't be able to piss about on his phone!!!!

He sounds like a selfish, childish, manipulative, lazy arsehole. You're NOT responsible for how he feels. You sound like a bloody Saint. Leave him. Stand firm & ignore his emotional blackmail. Look after YOU for once - your kids need you to be healthy & happy. He does NOT deserve you.

He sounds pathetic

Honestly I suffer with debilitating migraines and you cannot use your phone!!

Just because your DH has mental health problems does not mean you have to stay with him. I wouldn't. You matter too.

He sounds manipulative to me.
I too have migraines, I have daily meds for them and another for if I get breakthough migraines (I still take these about 6 to 12 times a month) If I get one bad enough to go to bed I have little to no memory of the day in bed, I am in an out and occasionally vomit.

As a "concerned wife" when he took to his bed for the day, I'd insist that all tech is downstairs so that he wasn't able to be hassled by the light of screens or random messages that pop up.

My opinion is that he's taking the absolute piss.

I'm sorry he's doing this to you.

Your husband is taking the piss

Depends on my migraine
My DM, DF and both my children all inherited these lovely migraines
I know when I am getting one as I get a warning, and I will always take painkillers immediately. Sometimes I act fast enough that I just end up with a dull pain that I can power through. Often lying down makes it 10 times worse, it hurts my neck and feels like pressure in my head so slowly shuffling around indoors ends up a better option.

I’ve had one at work before when I was sick, and after I was sick I did feel a bit better but I laid down in the staff room for an hour then went back to work. I got one in IKEA once and just had to get on with it!

It sounds like he is using emotional blackmail to control you.

If his MH problems prevent him from working, then getting well is his job. I have no sympathy for someone who is happy to burden them people around them in this way while refusing to take reasonable steps to improve their health.

definitely look into what supports you can access. This might help, and even if it doesn't, if you have evidence that he isn't contributing in terms of childcare and housekeeping then it could help you if you split.

Yet another migraine sufferer checking in to say he’s taking the absolute piss and this just isn’t how migraines work.

It’s not just about whether he can use his phone or not (though I can’t when I have a migraine and don’t know anyone who can - I have to be in a completely dark room and I’m still holding my head in agony). It’s about the fact the if the migraines are genuine, he should be taking a painkiller/migraine stopper (a triptan) immediately when they start, because he is desperate (like everyone who has migraines) to try not to have one. The fact that he seems to have no desire to stop them from happening seems to me like there’s more going on.

Also, I’m not sure if he’s just an idiot or doesn’t care, but your arthritis is a problem - you should be resting as much as possible outside of work, as rheumatoid arthritis can be progressive if you push beyond your limits, and it sounds like you’re far beyond your limits.

Please don’t let his pain trump your pain anymore, @Migrainefun. You are NOT being selfish to say enough is enough, no matter what he threatens (self-harm, worsening depression, accusing you of selfishness). He is truly the selfish one here.

True migraines mean you can’t deal with light, the last thing on my mind would be mobile phone, he’s stringing you along OP, you’d be better off without him

Does he get migraines when you are at work? what does he do then?

I used to get migraines. They are debilitating and consuming. There is no way in a million years I’d be able to look at a mobile phone in the throes of one, never mind an x box. He’s a lazy arse and he’s playing you. Split up - it will be far better for you and your children.