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Original poster

Parents keep baby’s sex a secret to avoid gender bias

260 replies

Doyoumind · 17/09/2019 10:45

This story has been covered pretty widely but I don't think it's been mentioned on here.

A couple have a 17 month old who they refer to as 'they' and the couple didn't even tell family what sex the child is.

Fine, keep things gender neutral and avoid stereotypes but referring to your child only as 'they' is totally othering. They will soon hear other children being referred to differently.

Pretty soon that child will be talking. Unless it lives in a bubble and never has stories read to it that child will understand there are boys and girls and wonder which they are. They will start to realise the difference between when mummy and daddy go to the toilet, unless they are never to be seen naked. At that point they will know whether they are a boy or a girl if their parents are honest and explain the physical differences between male and female.

Their parents might be able to shield them from gender stereotypes to some extent bit they can't deny the obvious biology.

Or are they going to say only some men have penises and some women do too?

OP posts:
Spidey66 · 17/09/2019 11:44

I don't have a problem with girls climbing trees or boys playing with dolls, or avoiding pink and blue, girls encouraged to be engineers and boys nurses etc.

This however is on a different level altogether.

Deadringer · 17/09/2019 11:45

Marketing, especially by toy companies has a lot to answer for. Our local big toy store has a girls aisle, ie lots of pink boxes with pretty girls on them, and a boys aisle with blue boxes and pictures of boys on them. Perhaps if parents lobbied toy shops or manufacturers to reconsider their packaging and placement it might make a difference.

Basecamp65 · 17/09/2019 11:47

Most people on here have made assumptions that this child will go to nursery and school based on their age. So its very hard to argue that people would not make assumptions based on gender!!!

I would be really interested in seeing if this does make a difference in their adult lives - not quite sure how we could ever have a large enough population to do accurate research on it though.

SciFiGirl · 17/09/2019 11:48

Child will grow up confused, they’ll be different from other children which will encourage mental health issues later in life. If they firmly believe this then change the way people treat you not your child. Parents need to be questioned/told about the effects thud will have on their child

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/09/2019 11:49

I would imagine by now some of the children are showing a desire to wear certain clothes over others. My dd did at 15 months but I know other children don’t care until they are far older. If the parents are just hiding their sex from the wider public, it isn’t a bad thing. But from the children themselves? No. And why announce this to the world?

hsegfiugseskufh · 17/09/2019 11:49

So bullying is OK if the child has stepped outside the norm and therefore “deserves” it?

no, that's not what i said at all, it is more likely to happen, that's a fact.

Why don’t people tell their child not to bully other children, regardless of what the have “done”

i don't know, you'd have to ask "people" wouldn't you? i personally teach my child not to bully anyone and there would be enormous consequences if he did. He is 3 and is taught to be kind to everyone. However, as we all know, bullies exist, and not all parents give a shit as they should.

Victim blaming

do you even know what that means?

nobody is blaming the child.

Jaxhog · 17/09/2019 11:49

But THEY know what sex the baby is, so are subject to their own unconscious gender bias!! By all means, create a gender-free environment for your baby, but don't deny them their natal sex fgs.

Crazy.

Jaredjadon · 17/09/2019 11:52

There is some research that 1 in a thousand babies are born with indeterminate genitalia and undergo corrective surgery that is kept secret to make them conform to one or the other genders. This can be very detrimental as many intersex people will testify. As for parents bringing up their child using 'they' , i don't think that's such a bad thing. Trans and non-binaries is recognised now in society and law - people can use an 'x' on their medical records and passport. We are in a changing world. There was a time when anyone putting their daughter in trousers or cutting their hair short was pilloried in the same way these parents are! Or seen as wrong for letting boys do dance, or letting their kids talk about being gay. I remember also my parents being criticised for bringing me up to be vegetarian and people thinking my mum was bonkers when she took me round collecting recycling! Now these are everyday things. Live and let live! The world is ever-evolving.

BlooperReel · 17/09/2019 11:52

It's ridiculous, attention seeking, woke bullshit.

You can raise a child without enforcing gender stereotypes, and not deny there are biologically different sexes, this conflation of sex and gender is the root of so many problems.

I also despise enforced pronouns. Compelled speech as in 1984.

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 17/09/2019 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bluebluezoo · 17/09/2019 11:54

Perhaps if parents lobbied toy shops or manufacturers to reconsider their packaging and placement it might make a difference

They do. See let toys be toys, pinkstinks and many other campaigns.

Fact is separating by gender sells twice as much as people buy pink for a girl, then will buy the same toy in blue for a boy.

There are far more people who will actively buy gendered toys than not.

Dd2 (not the one with short hair before anyone asks!!) doesn’t like pink. So she goes to the boys aisle. Pretty much every single time she will be redirected to the girls by a shop assistant, or questioned at the till as to whether she knows there’s a “girls” version she would prefer.

Deadringer · 17/09/2019 11:56

It would be a more interesting 'experiment' if the child was a boy and they dressed it exclusively in 'girls clothes' or vice versa, that would really shine a light on gender basis. It would probably mess the child up in the process though which will likely happen anyway

GCAcademic · 17/09/2019 11:58

Most likely they'll choose their actual sex once they can understand the concept

It sounds like you have some way to go to understand the concept of sex.

Soubriquet · 17/09/2019 12:00

I personally think it’s stupid

I have one of each. Dd will play with dolls and dinosaurs... and she knows she’s a girl ShockShock

Ds loves cars, dinosaurs and everything typically boyish, but enjoys playing with dolls to!

And guess what! He knows he’s a boy!

AsTheWorldTurns · 17/09/2019 12:02

I'm enjoying their presumption that the world is eager to learn whether their poor child is a boy or girl.

IAmALazyArse · 17/09/2019 12:03

Hobbit is now trending on Twitter and people are disappointed it's not about hobbits😂

SpoilsburyToastGirl · 17/09/2019 12:05

"I wish I’d have said FUCK OFF very loudly everytime someone asked if they were a girl or a boy"

This right here is part of the problem. You'd tell a person who was just making well meaning small talk to fuck off (very loudly no less) for asking a question about your child. I have news for you, in 99.999% of cases, people don't even CARE to know the answer, they're just oiling the wheels of common courtesy. Jesus, get yourself some real problems, or some tolerance.

Also, about the "don't assume my child's gender old lady in the park", how about don't assume their gender, or their age, you utter knobber.

IAmALazyArse · 17/09/2019 12:05

It would be a more interesting 'experiment' if the child was a boy and they dressed it exclusively in 'girls clothes' or vice versa, that would really shine a light on gender basis. It would probably mess the child up in the process though which will likely happen anyway

www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shadow-boxing/201611/boys-dressed-girls-who-became-serial-killers%3famp

Deadringer · 17/09/2019 12:08

Sorry bluebluezoo I should have said if more parents lobbied toy companies about toys and gender. Mumsnet is pretty big, I wonder if they would be interested in a campaign of some kind?

KUGA · 17/09/2019 12:12

A pair of twats spring to mind.
They need to get in the real world.

PortiaCastis · 17/09/2019 12:12

Poor child, with media attention seeking parents like those he/she doesn't stand a chance.
Wonder which one of them phoned. the papers and how much their story brought to the bank account.

pottedshrimps · 17/09/2019 12:13

I suppose whatever sex they are they'll no doubt be made to feel bad about it and stuffed full of hormones at some point to deal with it. They'll probably have to wear a dress and trousers and a green striped boiler suit and be called Stone or Plimsole or something.

Clangus00 · 17/09/2019 12:14

I don’t think that child will go to nursery or school.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 17/09/2019 12:14

I read a comment on this elsewhere which pointed out that it must be a girl. Because if it was a boy, this child would be facing no barriers to success in the world anyway.