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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite friends' former boss to my birthday when they didn't get on?

59 replies

Wauden · 16/09/2019 22:40

I am having a birthday dinner party and two friends are coming. These two friends had a boss they didn't get on with, years ago. I don't know too much detail, but they said he cherry-picked the best projects for himself and generally didn't hit it off.

Now I am friendly with this man (two friends' ex boss) and have met him and his partner socially and get on fine. I would like to invite this man and his partner, and some other people we have in common... I can't really invite the people 'people in common' without inviting the former boss!
AIBU to invite this man knowing that my two friends didn't get on with him?!?
AIBU to not mention it beforehand to them?
Or is it a case of, it's my party anyway and I can I invite whoever I want?

OP posts:
Aridane · 16/09/2019 22:41

I think YABI (insensitive)

Original poster
Wauden · 16/09/2019 22:58

Not totally insensitive because I haven't done it. Yet...

OP posts:
ChelseaCat · 16/09/2019 23:02

It’s your birthday - invite the people you want to be there. I think you should be open about the guest list if you think your friends might find it uncomfortable. At least that way they could opt out if they want to

TheRLodger · 16/09/2019 23:04

I would but make sure they arent sat next to each other at dinner. And say when you invite your friends that you’ve invited ex boss.

Shakennotshook · 16/09/2019 23:04

Depends how you know him - if you know him independently of these friends go ahead. If you know him through these friends, no way.

RainingFrogsAndHats · 16/09/2019 23:05

Dinner party for 8, not very kind without prior warning.
Party for 15+, not a problem - they can mix with other people.

Might be nice to warn them first.

Sunshine93 · 16/09/2019 23:05

If he is your friend then invite him. If he is a casual acquaintance then don't.

I would hardly fall out with a friend over her getting on with an ex boss. It's not like it's a ex partner.

AllFourOfThem · 16/09/2019 23:05

Yanbu to invite him but since you know it’s likely to cause an issue with people you class as friends, I’d do the kind thing and give them the heads up.

NoSquirrels · 16/09/2019 23:06

Have different gatherings - drinks and dinner with two sets of people, not one.

Why would you engineer a situation in which your good friends - who you have already invited and who have already said yes - have to endure someone you KNOW they dislike?

If you'd invited en masse, and they could decline or accept seeing the guest list, fair enough. But it sounds like you asked your good mates out for your birthday, and are now widening the invite in a way that will cause upset.

If I were your friends I'd come and suck it up because I liked you. But I'd have a moan behind your back and not enjoy it as much.

AuntieStella · 16/09/2019 23:07

Have two smaller parties.

It would not make for a happy gathering (even if everyone behaved impeccably) to invite people you know ind each other uncongenial

MT2017 · 16/09/2019 23:07

Invite who you want but be aware your friends may choose not to go.

I have been invited somewhere for a few days but there are people going I do not want to socialise with, so I have made my excuses.

Finfintytint · 16/09/2019 23:07

Invite who you want. Just give your other friends the option of declining if they don’t want to socialise with him. Or tell them to bring some fireworks Grin

Italiangreyhound · 16/09/2019 23:08

Only invite him if you are willing to tell your friends and OK with them not wanting to come if he is there.

Hope it goes well.

Italiangreyhound · 16/09/2019 23:09

Actually agree with AuntieStella 'Have two smaller parties."

Leeds2 · 16/09/2019 23:12

YANBU to invite him, but you should tell your friends in advance and give them the opportunity to drop out if they so wish.

MrsDimmond · 16/09/2019 23:19

What size dinner party ?

Are the 2 women close friends of yours?

Do they know you socialise with this man? Have you talked to them about him?

I may have read this wrongly, but it sounds like a guest list of acquaintances rather than close friends?

Gruzinkerbell1 · 16/09/2019 23:22

You have to tell them first. Otherwise YABU and if I was your friend and you sprung that on me I’d probably ditch you afterwards.

Sweetpea55 · 17/09/2019 06:00

I wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy the evening knowing that there could be obvious uncomfortable and awkward feeling amongst the guests. How do you think they will feel when they see him
Of course...its your party..

pasturesgreen · 17/09/2019 06:09

In my world, proper friends get priority over people you 'get on fine' with. The your party, your rules is actually a tad self-centred...Surely it's more important that guests feel at ease and there isn't an atmosphere?

I'd certainly at least give your friends a heads up so they can decide for themselves.

NaturalBornWoman · 17/09/2019 06:11

You describe them as friends, but say you've met him socially and got on. Why would you create a situation which would make your actual friends uncomfortable in order to further your social circle? He was their boss, not even just a colleague so it's almost like you're showing off. I'd dump you in a heartbeat if you treated me like that.

ISmellBabies · 17/09/2019 06:18

Yabu.

Tink88 · 17/09/2019 06:34

Is the boss actually your friend. I wouldn't invite someone to my party I get on well with sounds like you want to annoy your actual friends.

longwayoff · 17/09/2019 06:39

Depends. Are you having it televised as a comparison to Abigail's party or Come Fine With Me? Or do you want a pleasant birthday meal? Sounds tooth achingly unbearable for everyone. Enjoy.

Elodie2019 · 17/09/2019 06:54

Dinner party or house party?

If I was invited to an intimate dinner party and was told that one of the guests was someone who had made my life very difficult in the past, I would decline the invitation.

If I turned up and they were there, I would make my excuses and leave early especially if my 'host' knew that I had been treated badly by this person beforehand.

Tell your friends he is coming and give them the opportunity to decline your invitation.

Elodie2019 · 17/09/2019 06:56

Also, is this man actually a friend or 'someone you know'? If it's the latter YABVU even considering putting your real friends in this situation.