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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite friends' former boss to my birthday when they didn't get on?

59 replies

Wauden · 16/09/2019 22:40

I am having a birthday dinner party and two friends are coming. These two friends had a boss they didn't get on with, years ago. I don't know too much detail, but they said he cherry-picked the best projects for himself and generally didn't hit it off.

Now I am friendly with this man (two friends' ex boss) and have met him and his partner socially and get on fine. I would like to invite this man and his partner, and some other people we have in common... I can't really invite the people 'people in common' without inviting the former boss!
AIBU to invite this man knowing that my two friends didn't get on with him?!?
AIBU to not mention it beforehand to them?
Or is it a case of, it's my party anyway and I can I invite whoever I want?

OP posts:
PooWillyBumBum · 17/09/2019 07:00

If it’s an actual dinner party what strikes me is that he might find the invitation odd - how well do you know him? Truly well enough for a birthday dinner party?

I don’t think it’s odd to invite people he knows and not him. A birthday dinner party is usually an intimate thing reserved for best friends and family.

Stevienickssleeves · 17/09/2019 07:15

Invite the boss who is not your friend so you can glom onto his friends and do some social climbing? Not unless you are prepared to lose your actual friends over it.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 17/09/2019 07:22

I would want to know if I were one of the friends so that I could politely excuse myself rather than possibly spoil your party with a tense atmosphere. I have been in their situation with a boss and I used to simply avoid any social situations where he would be present.

AJPTaylor · 17/09/2019 07:37

Jeez.
I would hate to be put in that situation. Let alone by a friend.

AlrightOkNow · 17/09/2019 07:40

It's your birthday so YANBU but be prepared to lose friends.

I'd hope my friends would never do it to me but if they had considered it that they'd give me the heads up so I could decide whether I wanted to come or not and also whether to continue that friendship from that point on.

Ragwort · 17/09/2019 07:44

Whose friendship do you value more?

I would have two smaller dinners, then no one is put in an awkward position.

ChickenyChick · 17/09/2019 07:50

Do it, but tell your friends so they can opt out!

billy1966 · 17/09/2019 07:56

It's definitely your party, so invite whom you like.
But don't be surprised if your friends are not impressed.
Don't be surprised if they say they'd rather not attend.
Don't be surprised if they don't think very highly of your behaviour and discuss it.

I certainly wouldn't do that to friends at my birthday dinner.

Elodie2019 · 17/09/2019 07:57

Invite the boss who is not your friend so you can glom onto his friends and do some social climbing? Not unless you are prepared to lose your actual friends over it.

I was thinking similar! If this 'ex boss' is only an an acquaintance, what is your motive?

user1493413286 · 17/09/2019 07:59

I think it’s fine as long as you tell them first. If not then that’s unfair as you know they don’t get on

HugoSpritz · 17/09/2019 08:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Damntheman · 17/09/2019 08:06

Holy shit why would you?? You know these people don't get along and you're intending to put them together in a small social setting? It's a recipe for an unpleasant evening, why would you do that to yourself for your birthday, let alone your friends?

Just have two smaller birthdays. But if you MUST do it then definitely give your friends the heads up so that they can decline your invitation (I would).

saraclara · 17/09/2019 08:11

They're your friends, he's an acquaintance at best. Priorities.

If it was a house party, you could get away with it. But a dinner party? That that sounds like they wouldn't be able to escape him.

Serious question. How many people does one have at dinner parties? Including partners, you, your friends and this guy already makes eight. Then there's "more people in common"

crustycrab · 17/09/2019 08:14

You don't know him the way they do. You might think you do but you don't. If they are your close friends then don't do it

WhoCaresWins01 · 17/09/2019 08:16

That doesn't sound like a nice thing to do! How would you feel if the situation was reversed?

Original poster
Wauden · 17/09/2019 08:17

It was a long time ago.... I don't know whether the friends have got over it, are now indifferent or whether they have met him since and thought its water under the bridge. Or anything.

However I thank

OP posts:
Elodie2019 · 17/09/2019 08:17

It was a long time ago.... I don't know whether the friends have got over it, are now indifferent or whether they have met him since and thought its water under the bridge. Or anything.

So talk to them. Ask them.

Xmasbaby11 · 17/09/2019 08:20

Yabu. Friends first - don't invite their ex boss. Sounds like a bad idea.

If you're very keen, ask your friends what they think about inviting him.

BrownStripePJ · 17/09/2019 08:21

Yabu

kjhkj · 17/09/2019 08:24

How big is the party. it sounds like a small gathering.

I had a former boss I didn't get on with. If I went to a dinner party and she was there I'm afraid I would have to leave. I would be really very upset if a friend who knew we didn't get on had put me in that position.

Original poster
Wauden · 17/09/2019 08:27

However, thank you Mumsnetters for your replies, and for taking the time to respond thoughtfully.

I have decided not invite that person for the reasons you say.
AuntieStella, a separate group makes more sense.

saraclara, your separate question was how many people at these events generally: as many as a venue can accommodate?It could be many people, I guess. 5 to 150?
Others: it's not an event at home.

OP posts:
saraclara · 17/09/2019 08:31

Okay. My definition of dinner party is different from yours, and maybe out of date.
My world is a having good friends round for a meal world!

verticality · 17/09/2019 08:34

I think it depends on the situation with your friends. A boss you didn't hit it off with and think is a bit shonky and crap is not the same thing as a boss who bullied you. I think you can expect people who are not bessie mates to be able to get along together in the same room, but it would be cruel and unkind to expect someone to confront a terrible bully at a social event.

Original poster
Wauden · 17/09/2019 08:35

saraclara I think your definition is up to date. My event is not at home, so it is different.
It will not include that person.

OP posts:
Elodie2019 · 17/09/2019 08:38

how many people at these events generally: as many as a venue can accommodate?It could be many people, I guess. 5 to 150?
Others: it's not an event at home.

Hmm... so are you planning a party for 5 or 500?

Doesn't matter now I suppose. Your friends will be non the wiser.

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