To be getting more and more concerned regarding male colleague?

[Gratedcheeseontop]

NC for this.
I’m in a difficult situation and I’m unsure of where to go from here.

Currently working with a male, I’ll call him Henry for the sake of this, and In the past few weeks he has;

-Messaged me constantly about trivial things, I’ll get messages at least every other day. I don’t reply to these.

• messages me when we’re both in work, in the same room??

• I constantly catch him staring at me during the day. If I move to nip to the loo or go on break his head shoots up and he’ll be watching me. He’s also sent me a few messages along the lines of “ooh did xyz piss you off? I saw the way you frowned” or “what’s up, you look sad?”

-last week he asked another member of staff (his friend) to leave work early so he could tell me, to my face, that he ‘really liked me’. This made me feel so bloody uncomfortable and I didn’t know how to react. I don’t like being forced into a situation and that’s exactly how I felt. It was just Henry and I at work at the time also, which put me on edge. Henry told me that he had specifically asked other work colleague to leave early so he could speak to me alone. He’d planned it all out. Other members of staff were aware of his plan and not one of them decided to tell me and give me a bit of warning.

-since telling me how he feels, Henry has upped the number of messages he sends me. I’ve told him that I would like us to stay as colleagues and that’s it. I didn’t think I’d have to explain this as I have a DP (very long term relationship, 10+ years) and a DC- something I reiterated to him just to be crystal clear.

Henry did tell me that he understood and respected my decision, and it won’t make things weird, but has became really persistent. He won’t stop messaging me daily, if I don’t reply within an hour he’ll send another message, and if I don’t reply to that one he’ll send another. It feels like he feels entitled to my time? It’s borderline possessive! I don’t even speak to my own family or closest friend every hour of every day, so I’ve no idea why he thinks i should be messaging him back when he says so.

I’ve asked DP not to get involved as it will aggravate the situation, although he does want to.
I can’t speak to my manager about this, as he will tell the owner of the company- who is very good friends with Henry. It’s a very small, family run type business, so no HR or anything like that.

It seems like he’s obsessed with me, and I’m genuinely getting a bit scared. He’s messaged me 8 times today because I haven’t replied. I feel like I can’t block his number as it would make it terribly awkward at work, and he’ll just find another way to contact me. Thanks to very slack security measures in my workplace henry also knows where I live.
He is very close to the men in the office, and quite a few of the women. It will be spun as if I’m the heartless bitch who blocked him and complained to management purely for him wanting to be my ‘friend’. It would make work absolute hell to be honest!

Luckily I have another job lined up which I’m due to start in around 6 weeks, so I don’t have to put up with this forever. I’m just getting worried as he’s getting more and more intense, I don’t know him that well at all, so how do I know that he won’t take it too far one day? What if desperation drives him to do something?

I have 6 shifts left with him where we’ll be left alone for around an hour together, and I’m dreading them. The last message I had off him was along the lines of me making things “weird” by not replying to him.

Any advice please? This is really bothering me.

If you are scared take 6 days leave or ask to leave early. If you are feeling brave take this on and maybe save someone else from going through it. Good luck x

Namechange84 has it nailed. Do this. Keep copies of all his messages and your responses. Tell your manager what is happening and they you expect his/her support and that of the company. Say that the behaviour is inappropriate, unacceptable and unprofessional, and that if the beholder continues, and the company fails to take steps to address the situation, you will take the matter further.

Absolutely recommend using Name Change's text. I've been harrased and stalked and it's awful, no one should have to put up with this. I tried the nice and polite responses many times but it failed.
I took it to the police in the end because my employers were useless. Thankfully it was dealt with. Look after yourself

How was it today OP?

@burnttoastandjam She only posted it three hours ago?

I'd go with what @NameChange84 said, and then block his number, screenshot all of the messages first, preferably showing his actual number rather than his name so there is no way the sender could be misinterpreted

Reading about his interactions with you I get the impression of someone who is weird and not all there, but he seems to be friends with everyone else in the business so is he saving his weird stalker persona just for you?
He's not even ramped up slowly he jumped straight in with a full scale stalking attack, is it possible he suffers with a mental illness?
And totally not trying to minimise this by the way, it must be an extremely distressing experience for you and I think you should report him to the police.

DO NOT work alone with this man. DO NOT. Call off sick, or have your DP come in and sit with you. Does he know you're leaving? DO NOT SPEND FIVE MINUTES ALONE WITH HIM!!! Do whatever you have to, even quitting early, but don't allow this to happen.

Defo speak to your manager. Tell him how you are feeling. And that they must take this seriously.
He could perhaps put you on other shifts so you don’t have to be alone with this creep.
Who cares if he’s pals with the boss. You’re leaving anyway. Sexual harassment must be stopped. He may do this to someone less strong than you. For everyone’s sakes sort this out. The company could be so terrified of what you could do to them they may let you go early on full pay? Or perhaps not, but worth telling a manager as your safety is their responsibility and they are duty bound to do something. I’m sorry you are having to go through this shit. Good luck in your new job.

I’ve worked with more than one sex pest. Unfortunately there’s a lot of them around, and in small companies they tend to get away with it
I wonder why this is? You might think a larger company would offer more anonymity?

Send him a message saying “Please stop messaging me”. Send it again and again if he carries on. If he still carries on, screenshot it all, print it out and stick it up on the wall at work.

I’ve worked with more than one sex pest. Unfortunately there’s a lot of them around, and in small companies they tend to get away with it
I wonder why this is? You might think a larger company would offer more anonymity?

Large companies tend to have HR departments, laywers, management training etc and are also better able to fund a legal dispute if the sack the offending sex pest and the sex pest tries to take them to a tribunal. They are also somewhat more likely than a smaller business to have to have a union who can support staff who are being harassed.

How does he have your number?
Just don't open his messages and if he mentions you not replying to messages in person just be like "oh sorry I've been really busy with my DH and Children I haven't actually looked at my phone.. Why what's up?" Just act really unbothered by him and he'll hopefully get the hint.. He sounds like a creeper though

You only need to receive two unwanted messages/phone calls etc for it to count as harassment by the police OP.

@bombomboobah because larger companies tend to have better policies for dealing with them. You can go through official channels and follow procedures.

In a small company, the sex pest is likely to be either the owner or their son/in-law, brother, friend etc. The chain of command is more blurred too, and you tend to be encouraged not to rock the boat. Additionally, if you work in a small town where the sex pest has business connections, you have to be careful if you ever want to be able to work elsewhere.

Next time he messages you in the office, i would loudly and publically say "Henry, this is the xth time you have messaged me. I have tried asking you to stop & ignoring it. I am now asking in front of witnesses - stop!". You shouldnt be feeling awkward - he is being a weirdo!

Do what bouncing said

Definitely report him. You are probably not the first.
Sorry I haven't rtft. You're right to be worried speak to your manager.
Stay strong firm and be rude though sometimes it is best to avoid and ignore.

For starters stop worrying so much what he or anyone else is likely to think in terms of "awkwardness"

But DO go to management and tell them his behaviour is making you feel UNSAFE AT WORK, which is completely bloody unacceptable!

Quite honestly I think your dp "having a word" would be a good idea - if you can trust him not to lose HIS temper, but still warn this creepy arsehole off!

I'm SO sorry you've been a victim of assault in another workplace before.

Speak to acas and maybe find out if there's a way you can leave this awful place earlier? Have you any annual leave left you could use up?

Thank you all for the replies! I feel really supported and it genuinely means a lot that I have people in my corner. To answer a few questions,

New job is with civil service. They rang me on Friday and confirmed I’d been successful and wanted to let me know, and they would be updating the portal this week. I was told that realistically I wouldn’t start for another 6 weeks. They haven’t been in touch with my employer for the employment checks yet.

No one at my current place knows I’m leaving, they’ll only find out when I hand my notice in. I didn’t even mention to anyone that I was looking for another job.

Henry, after telling me how he felt about me, also told me that another female member of staff had encouraged him to tell me he liked me, as he’s a ‘good guy’ and I need a ‘good guy to treat me right’. I’ve worked with this woman for 4 years, we don’t see each other very often now due to different shifts, but she knows full well I have a family, same as her. That hurt me a lot. It made me feel like no one in my workplace values my relationship, like my private life is a joke to them.

I can’t leave my job any sooner unfortunately. I currently get paid weekly and have sank all of my savings into other things. The money I get paid weekly is allocated, as is DPs monthly wage. We couldn’t afford for me to lose 6 weeks wage, and then wait another month potentially for the first wage from new job.

I don’t think it’s a bullying, childish joke. I could be completely wrong, but I’m not getting that vibe from him. He’s really intense. But won’t speak much around other members of staff. He’s more likely to message me something than say it out loud in front of people. I think that’s why he asked the other employee to leave early that day.

He started messaging me around 4 months ago. He’d overheard another member of staff badmouthing me and wanted to tell me what she’d said. I made a thread about it a while ago. He was also the guy who told me 5’6 was a giant, if anyone can remember that thread. It started as “hey, so and so had said xyz about you” to gradually messaging me every day, and after every shift saying goodnight.

He doesn’t have my mobile number, he sends me messages via social media. Since starting this thread I’ve had another 5 messages from him that I haven’t opened.

So sorry you’re dealing with this, OP, but good to hear you’re out of there soon.

While not to the degree you’re dealing with now I’ve worked with many sex pests like this throughout my career in all kinds of workplaces. I had a really uncomfortable situation in my current workplace not long after I started when I had both a much younger and a much, much older worker both harassing me. The younger one sounded a lot like yours and didn’t seem to care I was in a LTR. He sat about a metre away from me so I had little relief. Like you, I didn’t give him (nor the older one) any reason to think I would be interested. Like you, he had management on side as he was my hopeless boss’s sidekick and would put him in charge of our team when he wasn’t there, which was fairly often.

It’s hard because you have to work with the person so you can’t just tell them to fuck off like you would in a club or whatever. But I tried all the methods to show I wasn’t interested that would be accepted by a “normal” person and nothing worked so I had to be blunt. Sure enough a storm flew over his face and he became a real bastard to me at work after that. I work for a fairly large company but have no faith HR would have helped given he had the boss on side and everyone saw him as a loveable young clown with an innocent crush. There were other problems in our section so I worked my ass off to get out of there and was thankfully transferred away from him. He quit soon after.

My point is, you need to be blunt with your pest, but you need to know he may well flip after that. Haven’t read all the replies but could your DH make himself known by dropping you off/picking you up/calling you at work/sending flowers etc?

It’s strange to think there are so many men out there like this making life uncomfortable for women. Can’t imagine what they must be thinking to behave the way they do. It’s truly mind boggling.

I am sure that you are allowed,or will allow yourself,to tell him to his face that this kind of behaviour is annoying,or upsetting you. The man sounds very odd., You go to work, you do your job,and don't wan't this kind of stuff going on all the time. And if he is getting more intense now, it's very worrying.

I think women have to deal with a hell of a lot of shit. Like a pp mentioned, we’re conditioned from a young age to be polite to people. It’s a shame that some scumbags take that as an open invitation to be creeps.

Congratulations on the new job. Please escalate to your manager, you have not led him on. This is harassment

OP "Henry, after telling me how he felt about me, also told me that another female member of staff had encouraged him to tell me he liked me, as he’s a ‘good guy’ and I need a ‘good guy to treat me right’. I’ve worked with this woman for 4 years, we don’t see each other very often now due to different shifts, but she knows full well I have a family, same as her. That hurt me a lot. It made me feel like no one in my workplace values my relationship, like my private life is a joke to them."

This man sounds utterly deluded. I cannot quite imagine any woman at work telling a male colleague that another woman needs a man like him, knowing that she already has a partner.

but if this woman did say such a ridiculous thing then she does not deserve one more moment of your consideration.

"He’s more likely to message me something than say it out loud in front of people. I think that’s why he asked the other employee to leave early that day." This is so fucking creepy, the fact he asked a colleague to leave so he could be alone with you. It is disgusting.

"He started messaging me around 4 months ago. He’d overheard another member of staff badmouthing me and wanted to tell me what she’d said."

"He was also the guy who told me 5’6 was a giant, if anyone can remember that thread. It started as “hey, so and so had said xyz about you” to gradually messaging me every day, and after every shift saying goodnight."

It sounds like negging.

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Negging

You are being stalked and harnessed at work.

" I didn’t think I’d have to explain this as I have a DP (very long term relationship, 10+ years) and a DC- something I reiterated to him just to be crystal clear." You've told him you are not interested. I think you need to take the good advice on here and tell him clearly one more time that you do not want any kind of relationship with him and will only respond to work related matters in work time on work medias (email or whatever you use).

If he continues this you need to tell your boss and show him the evidence. You must tell your boss that you are not willing to be alone with this man. If the boss does not take this seriously I would get signed off with stress. You really do not need to put yourself through this. This man is not normal and his behaviour is very scary. I'm so sorry. If you are in any doubt of your rights, call the non-urgent police line and talk about this stalker situation.