To be getting more and more concerned regarding male colleague?

[Gratedcheeseontop]

NC for this.
I’m in a difficult situation and I’m unsure of where to go from here.

Currently working with a male, I’ll call him Henry for the sake of this, and In the past few weeks he has;

-Messaged me constantly about trivial things, I’ll get messages at least every other day. I don’t reply to these.

• messages me when we’re both in work, in the same room??

• I constantly catch him staring at me during the day. If I move to nip to the loo or go on break his head shoots up and he’ll be watching me. He’s also sent me a few messages along the lines of “ooh did xyz piss you off? I saw the way you frowned” or “what’s up, you look sad?”

-last week he asked another member of staff (his friend) to leave work early so he could tell me, to my face, that he ‘really liked me’. This made me feel so bloody uncomfortable and I didn’t know how to react. I don’t like being forced into a situation and that’s exactly how I felt. It was just Henry and I at work at the time also, which put me on edge. Henry told me that he had specifically asked other work colleague to leave early so he could speak to me alone. He’d planned it all out. Other members of staff were aware of his plan and not one of them decided to tell me and give me a bit of warning.

-since telling me how he feels, Henry has upped the number of messages he sends me. I’ve told him that I would like us to stay as colleagues and that’s it. I didn’t think I’d have to explain this as I have a DP (very long term relationship, 10+ years) and a DC- something I reiterated to him just to be crystal clear.

Henry did tell me that he understood and respected my decision, and it won’t make things weird, but has became really persistent. He won’t stop messaging me daily, if I don’t reply within an hour he’ll send another message, and if I don’t reply to that one he’ll send another. It feels like he feels entitled to my time? It’s borderline possessive! I don’t even speak to my own family or closest friend every hour of every day, so I’ve no idea why he thinks i should be messaging him back when he says so.

I’ve asked DP not to get involved as it will aggravate the situation, although he does want to.
I can’t speak to my manager about this, as he will tell the owner of the company- who is very good friends with Henry. It’s a very small, family run type business, so no HR or anything like that.

It seems like he’s obsessed with me, and I’m genuinely getting a bit scared. He’s messaged me 8 times today because I haven’t replied. I feel like I can’t block his number as it would make it terribly awkward at work, and he’ll just find another way to contact me. Thanks to very slack security measures in my workplace henry also knows where I live.
He is very close to the men in the office, and quite a few of the women. It will be spun as if I’m the heartless bitch who blocked him and complained to management purely for him wanting to be my ‘friend’. It would make work absolute hell to be honest!

Luckily I have another job lined up which I’m due to start in around 6 weeks, so I don’t have to put up with this forever. I’m just getting worried as he’s getting more and more intense, I don’t know him that well at all, so how do I know that he won’t take it too far one day? What if desperation drives him to do something?

I have 6 shifts left with him where we’ll be left alone for around an hour together, and I’m dreading them. The last message I had off him was along the lines of me making things “weird” by not replying to him.

Any advice please? This is really bothering me.

Sometimes it can be really hard to hear the words 'no'. It sounds to me that he's infatuated with you (rather than in love). It's the thrill of the chase and the fantasy of being with you that he will enjoy. He has convinced himself that there may still be a chance, however slim. You have to either spell it out to him really clearly (and not placate him with 'we can be friends/colleagues instead'). He may feel that you're with your DP out of loyalty but can be swayed. I think that he will certainly look at your FB page, try and know as much as possible about you etc, but this doesn't automatically mean that he is dangerous per say. Just a bit intense and compulsive.

You haven't done anything wrong, but he has clearly developed an obsession with you and you need to take that seriously. You need to tell him clearly that you find his continual messages inappropriate, that he is harassing you and that you want him to stop messaging you for any reason at all. You also need to inform the owner that you are doing this and that you need them to make changes so that you are not left alone with this man. After that if you are in a position where someone is leaving the office to leave you alone with him, call them back and collect your things then leave with them. Meanwhile if he messages you or tries to call you, report him to the police. You're being concerned for your DH, please exercise at least the same level of concern for yourself.

That's not to say that it won't escalate of course. Just give him the cold shoulder altogether. He will naturally increase his messages etc as he deals with 'losing' you, but he will most likely get the message in time. No smiling, being friendly etc or even nice. Just cold.

Fuck
OP
I am pleased you have another job

And as
For t will be spun as if I’m the heartless bitch who blocked him and complained to management purely for him wanting to be my ‘friend’

Your ducking colleagues need educating . And not by you . For them to ignore this creepy , aggressive , predatory behaviour towards a married woman because they are ‘friends’ says a lot . And none of it good

I would get very quiet , very assertive and wrote a Log down . Get ready to Report to police.

I horrified and angry on your behalf

Disgraceful

“No, me not replying doesn’t make anything weird. These constant messages do. We are just colleagues. I don’t like to use my phone in the evening. I would like you to stop messaging me please, as it now makes me feel uncomfortable”

Can you leave your job any sooner?

Do not respond to any more messages in case this guy is going to turn into a stalker. Read "The Gift of Fear".

It's very important that you get this behaviour documented in the workplace. Please send an email to your manager outlining that you have become increasingly concerned and uncomfortable with henry and detailing all examples.
Have you spoken to the colleague who agreed to leave early so that he could be alone with you and told them that you really wished they hadnt? They left you in a really awkward position and they should also have identifed that it wasnt appropriate for the workplace and in future you would prefer they didnt. How awful for you and hubby to think that colleagues might be assuming something is going on with u and henry.
At least people might keep an eye on him in future as he sounds very scary

A direct reply saying "TBH feeling a bit intimated and uncomfortable about the volume of message "
no sorry or anything else

This sounds absolutely dreadful. Are you sure it’s not some elaborate, boys-club style, bullying joke? i.e. ‘I’ll pretend I’m in love with her and string her along, and see how far I can take it before she freaks out?’

The reason I wondered this is that the whole office knew and went along with the plan for him to make his big declaration, in spite of you having a long term partner and kid. It’s hard to imagine a ‘genuine’ situation where someone wouldn’t say ‘no mate, she has a family already’. Then his attention got more, rather than less frequent, and he seems to be trying to get a rise out of you with the constant messages.

It has the ring of playground bullying to me, someone with too much time on their hands, who finds it all a bit funny. Does that chime at all OP?

Don't be on your own with him for those 6 hours. Anything could happen. Please tell your boss about your previous assault if you can

Agree you need to address this Head on. No messing around, no qualifying that you’re not interested because you’re already in a relationship.

NameChange84’s message is perfect. You need to send it to him as well rather than a face to face conversation.

I don’t want to scare you, but he knows where you live. You need to be prepared for him to escalate if he’s no longer seeing you at work every day, he may come to your house to see you there.

Email your manager as well with evidence of the harassment as well. Who gives a shit what they think of you? You’re leaving anyway.

You need to take this as a real threat and lay the groundwork, getting as much evidence as you can do that if you need to escalate to the police they can act faster.

When did Henry start with all the messaging and unwanted attention? Could it be related to you leaving the business?

Have you got your new job offer confirmed in writing, and if so, will your employer have been contacted for references?

I am wondering if Henry is aware you're leaving and decided to try his luck with you while he still has the opportunity. Maybe you are considered 'fair game' now.

If everyone in the office knew he wanted time alone with you, and enabled it, that is worrying.

If your future employer has had a reference from the current one then I would think about going off sick if Henry continues to pester you. If you ever needed to explain to future employer you have the evidence to back you up.

You've got 6 shifts/6 weeks left.

Can you just leave now?

You already have a job to go to. They have already (presumably) given you a reference.

Talk to your new manager - even though it will be uncomfortable - and say that an unexpected and worrying development has meant you are leaving X job early. Ask if it would help them to have you start sooner.

Fuck your existing company, seriously. If you cannot talk to them to say you don't want to be on shift with this guy, and be honest about why, then they don't need any of your loyalty.

Could you make it without a paycheck for a month or so? This is what my emergency fund is for ... unscrupulous companies, unexpected creepy bastards, you name it.

Please don't be on your own with him for those final shifts. Your instincts are giving you a very strong signal and while of course nothing may happen, it is not worth the risk.

Whatever you have to do, find a way not to be alone with him.

Fucking men, how dare they.

What I meant to say was that if he's trying his luck before you leave it may be that he won't pursue you once you have left. It sounds disgusting but could he have a bet on with colleagues that he can get you? It is a hideous thought. Regardless, you should inform the police if he ignores your message.

Poor you OP - a dreadful situation.
Please use the text that Namechange84 posted upthread. Every bit of advice about stalking / unwanted attention is that you must tell the individual clearly that their attention is unwanted. It's the starting point for any follow up action and sometimes does have the desired affect.

You have done nothing wrong and it seems very unfair that you have to take on the stress of managing this. But the text is a one off - after that go 'grey rock' and don't engage. And work out a way so that you are not alone in the office with him for that last hour. Can you arrange a meeting at that time?

I’d report to the manager and if they don’t take your seriously take it to the police. He knows where you live! I bet this isn’t the first time he’s done this.

It doesnt matter how corrupt they are, you need to tell someone. I'd be giving acas a call for advice too.

Stalking = FOUR
Fixation
Obsession
Unwanted
Repeated
Have a look at the Palladin website for more information

I totally agree with the post by NameChange84 at 'Mon 16-Sep-19 20:58:28' and 'Mon 16-Sep-19 21:05:08'.

You should not have to put up with this. If he escalates this or if you are in danger of being left alone with him talk to your boss. Your boss must protect you, whether he is friends with this guy or not.

So sorry this is happening. No one in your work place should expect you to put up with this shit, absolutely no one.

It's very important that you get this behaviour documented

You say that you are concerned that Henry is friends with the manager/owner? If this is the case then the manager will probably know that Henry, his friend, does tend to do this, get obsessed, and will actually be a good person to have a word with him.
You need to tell the manager so it is on record. For yourself and others.

I’d echo pp’s advice about gathering all emails & texts together and storing them outside of work. God forbid, but if you ever have to go to the police, you’ll have the evidence you need, rather than leaving it behind when you change jobs.

Is there any way you could take an hours leave for each of the six shifts where you’ll be alone with him? I know you shouldn’t have to, but it’s about making you feel safe and secure.

Also, could you change your number? Or block him and tell him you’ve changed your number? And if he asks for it, tell him you’re only giving it to close friends and family.

Lastly, stop doubting yourself. You know that you’ve done nothing to encourage him or make him think he has a chance. His behaviour is all him and you are absolutely not responsible for that.

I meant take the advice of 'NameChange84' not sure if that was clear.