To be getting more and more concerned regarding male colleague?

[Gratedcheeseontop]

NC for this.
I’m in a difficult situation and I’m unsure of where to go from here.

Currently working with a male, I’ll call him Henry for the sake of this, and In the past few weeks he has;

-Messaged me constantly about trivial things, I’ll get messages at least every other day. I don’t reply to these.

• messages me when we’re both in work, in the same room??

• I constantly catch him staring at me during the day. If I move to nip to the loo or go on break his head shoots up and he’ll be watching me. He’s also sent me a few messages along the lines of “ooh did xyz piss you off? I saw the way you frowned” or “what’s up, you look sad?”

-last week he asked another member of staff (his friend) to leave work early so he could tell me, to my face, that he ‘really liked me’. This made me feel so bloody uncomfortable and I didn’t know how to react. I don’t like being forced into a situation and that’s exactly how I felt. It was just Henry and I at work at the time also, which put me on edge. Henry told me that he had specifically asked other work colleague to leave early so he could speak to me alone. He’d planned it all out. Other members of staff were aware of his plan and not one of them decided to tell me and give me a bit of warning.

-since telling me how he feels, Henry has upped the number of messages he sends me. I’ve told him that I would like us to stay as colleagues and that’s it. I didn’t think I’d have to explain this as I have a DP (very long term relationship, 10+ years) and a DC- something I reiterated to him just to be crystal clear.

Henry did tell me that he understood and respected my decision, and it won’t make things weird, but has became really persistent. He won’t stop messaging me daily, if I don’t reply within an hour he’ll send another message, and if I don’t reply to that one he’ll send another. It feels like he feels entitled to my time? It’s borderline possessive! I don’t even speak to my own family or closest friend every hour of every day, so I’ve no idea why he thinks i should be messaging him back when he says so.

I’ve asked DP not to get involved as it will aggravate the situation, although he does want to.
I can’t speak to my manager about this, as he will tell the owner of the company- who is very good friends with Henry. It’s a very small, family run type business, so no HR or anything like that.

It seems like he’s obsessed with me, and I’m genuinely getting a bit scared. He’s messaged me 8 times today because I haven’t replied. I feel like I can’t block his number as it would make it terribly awkward at work, and he’ll just find another way to contact me. Thanks to very slack security measures in my workplace henry also knows where I live.
He is very close to the men in the office, and quite a few of the women. It will be spun as if I’m the heartless bitch who blocked him and complained to management purely for him wanting to be my ‘friend’. It would make work absolute hell to be honest!

Luckily I have another job lined up which I’m due to start in around 6 weeks, so I don’t have to put up with this forever. I’m just getting worried as he’s getting more and more intense, I don’t know him that well at all, so how do I know that he won’t take it too far one day? What if desperation drives him to do something?

I have 6 shifts left with him where we’ll be left alone for around an hour together, and I’m dreading them. The last message I had off him was along the lines of me making things “weird” by not replying to him.

Any advice please? This is really bothering me.

And obviously don't tell anyone there anything about your new job!! Location, job title, start date etc! Be totally vague and change the subject!

It will be spun as if I’m the heartless bitch who blocked him and complained to management purely for him wanting to be my ‘friend’. It would make work absolute hell to be honest!

You’re leaving anyway. If any of them are gullible enough to believe that, then fuck them - you’ll be gone soon.

You need to push yourself out of passively accepting his agenda.

The last message I had off him was along the lines of me making things “weird” by not replying to him.

"No, Henry - what's 'weird' is you texting me dozens of times a day, getting a colleague to leave early so you can be alone with me, & pushing for more & more contact. I have told you that I have a committed partner & a child, & do not want to have any relationship with you other than a professional one in the workplace.
I am asking you one final time to stop making me uncomfortable with your intrusive behaviour. If you persist, I will escalate the matter."

Never mind that he is friends with the boss.
Never mind what anyone else thinks.
The best way to protect yourself is by being absolutely clear & issuing non-negotiable boundaries.

Nobody at work can protect you, you need to quit. Can you cope for 6 weeks without pay?

So sorry you’re going through this, after everything you’ve already been through.

You need to tell him very clearly in a message that he isn’t welcome to contact you, it means if it continues to occur you can go to the police.

Please don’t go back into that building again, goodness knows what danger you’ll be in alone with him.

Sorry, meant to say how sorry I am that you're going through this. It sounds really horrible.

What NameChange84 said, pretty concise. If he persists after that then head to management/ police, your call.

This! Entirely!

‘"No, Henry - what's 'weird' is you texting me dozens of times a day, getting a colleague to leave early so you can be alone with me, & pushing for more & more contact. I have told you that I have a committed partner & a child, & do not want to have any relationship with you other than a professional one in the workplace.
I am asking you one final time to stop making me uncomfortable with your intrusive behaviour. If you persist, I will escalate the matter."’

Don’t even look back OP, get it sent!

I really wouldn't bring the partner or child into it or send an emotive message. Men like him feed off that.

The message I posted up thread was pretty much word for word what the police and the National Stalking Advisory service helped me write. It was later used as evidence.

There is a section in “the Gift of Fear” that talks about what a direct “I am not interested” sounds like. Most women try and soften the bitter pill by being kind, many men then see this as a chink. He suggests something very clear and straightforward, I will go and find my copy to take a pic for you op.

Am I going to have to put it bluntly and say that we’re not friends, and he needs to stop messaging me?

Yes lovie, you really are.
You need to do that asap, without apology, without wrapping it up in courtesies:
"Henry, we are not friends, we are colleagues, & I want you to stop messaging me. I am feeling harrassed & uncomfortable, & do not want to comunicate you about anything other than professional matters."
Then when/if he still refuses to comply with your request, you go direct to the police & show them the messages.

This is not said to alarm you. It's simply the procedure you must follow in order to get proper support from the police should you need it. Especially as it sounds like the company management is not going to have your back.

I just went and looked at yours @NameChange84 I guess you’re right, it’s very clear. It also prevents Henry from thinking that OP isn’t interested because of the partner and child.

The hardest thing op will be sending the message but you absolutely have to be clear, don’t worry about any awkwardness, you haven’t done anything wrong.

Could you find out from the police if he has any previous?

Get a printout of all the message you can, and store them off site. Then send a message to Henry telling him to leave you alone, CC or BCC you manager this message, and get a print out of this message.

What is happening is sexual harassment, and if the company doesn't step in they are complicite.

I would also be quite happy in your situation with being given Gardening Leave and a payout.

You might want to inform your new employers (especially if they have a decent HR function some of the details).

@SirVixofVixHall The Gift of Fear is a perfect suggestion for the OP, good call x

I’ve worked with more than one sex pest. Unfortunately there’s a lot of them around, and in small companies they tend to get away with it.

In your situation, I’d just leave. No amount of money is worth the head-fuck. Contact the new company and say your circumstances have changed and you would be available to start sooner if they needed you to.

Annoyingly I can’t find it anywhere, maybe I have lent it to someone. It is worth buying a copy OP.

Henry told me that he had specifically asked other work colleague to leave early so he could speak to me alone. He’d planned it all out. Other members of staff were aware of his plan and not one of them decided to tell me and give me a bit of warning.

Just re-read the OP and this jumped out . Talk about a toxic work environment.

You can tell the manager. Why are you anticipating and deciding/choosing what his reaction will be? You've no way at all of knowing that he won't listen to you because this weirdo is his friend.

Apart from this - What everyone else has said.

You have the incessant messages and lack of replies as evidence - they can't lie about that. Send him a message telling him to stop, and if he doesn't you have zero ambiguity.

Good luck - horrible situation for you.

I don't want to go into details but I had a work pest once. It was awful at the time but it all worked out ok in the end. I empathise with all your fears and worries but the most likely situation is that he'll eventually get the message and you'll go on to your new job and after a period of time you'll be able to put him out of your mind.

Block his number and show your manager the sheer volume of texts you’ve been receiving. Friends or not your manager can’t deny that it’s inappropriate.

YOU have done nothing wrong. Even if you were flirty and turned up to work in just your underwear every day, no one has the right to demand your time, attention and affection. HE is the problem. Not you.

Try another way. Try meeting with your manager and asking how you should handle a colleague messaging too often. You are trying to concentrate on work and he sends numerous messages a day, which aren't work related. It makes you uncomfortable because you have been hurt previously by an inappropriate colleague.

Is there any way you can leave the job sooner?

Have you actually got the job in 6 weeks time as secured? I would just ask your current boss to let you go early and have it as unpaid holiday. If it really is that corrupt and shit I would remove myself from it, even if it meant losing out on a months's pay. The injustice of it is just awful but not worth it if they're that awful to work for. Walk away and block.

Then skip into your new job refreshed!

This is sexual harassment. As you've already got your exit plan and you don't think work would be supportive if you reporting him, I'd go sick for your notice period.