To be getting more and more concerned regarding male colleague?

[Gratedcheeseontop]

NC for this.
I’m in a difficult situation and I’m unsure of where to go from here.

Currently working with a male, I’ll call him Henry for the sake of this, and In the past few weeks he has;

-Messaged me constantly about trivial things, I’ll get messages at least every other day. I don’t reply to these.

• messages me when we’re both in work, in the same room??

• I constantly catch him staring at me during the day. If I move to nip to the loo or go on break his head shoots up and he’ll be watching me. He’s also sent me a few messages along the lines of “ooh did xyz piss you off? I saw the way you frowned” or “what’s up, you look sad?”

-last week he asked another member of staff (his friend) to leave work early so he could tell me, to my face, that he ‘really liked me’. This made me feel so bloody uncomfortable and I didn’t know how to react. I don’t like being forced into a situation and that’s exactly how I felt. It was just Henry and I at work at the time also, which put me on edge. Henry told me that he had specifically asked other work colleague to leave early so he could speak to me alone. He’d planned it all out. Other members of staff were aware of his plan and not one of them decided to tell me and give me a bit of warning.

-since telling me how he feels, Henry has upped the number of messages he sends me. I’ve told him that I would like us to stay as colleagues and that’s it. I didn’t think I’d have to explain this as I have a DP (very long term relationship, 10+ years) and a DC- something I reiterated to him just to be crystal clear.

Henry did tell me that he understood and respected my decision, and it won’t make things weird, but has became really persistent. He won’t stop messaging me daily, if I don’t reply within an hour he’ll send another message, and if I don’t reply to that one he’ll send another. It feels like he feels entitled to my time? It’s borderline possessive! I don’t even speak to my own family or closest friend every hour of every day, so I’ve no idea why he thinks i should be messaging him back when he says so.

I’ve asked DP not to get involved as it will aggravate the situation, although he does want to.
I can’t speak to my manager about this, as he will tell the owner of the company- who is very good friends with Henry. It’s a very small, family run type business, so no HR or anything like that.

It seems like he’s obsessed with me, and I’m genuinely getting a bit scared. He’s messaged me 8 times today because I haven’t replied. I feel like I can’t block his number as it would make it terribly awkward at work, and he’ll just find another way to contact me. Thanks to very slack security measures in my workplace henry also knows where I live.
He is very close to the men in the office, and quite a few of the women. It will be spun as if I’m the heartless bitch who blocked him and complained to management purely for him wanting to be my ‘friend’. It would make work absolute hell to be honest!

Luckily I have another job lined up which I’m due to start in around 6 weeks, so I don’t have to put up with this forever. I’m just getting worried as he’s getting more and more intense, I don’t know him that well at all, so how do I know that he won’t take it too far one day? What if desperation drives him to do something?

I have 6 shifts left with him where we’ll be left alone for around an hour together, and I’m dreading them. The last message I had off him was along the lines of me making things “weird” by not replying to him.

Any advice please? This is really bothering me.

Henry, after telling me how he felt about me, also told me that another female member of staff had encouraged him to tell me he liked me, as he’s a ‘good guy’ and I need a ‘good guy to treat me right’. I’ve worked with this woman for 4 years, we don’t see each other very often now due to different shifts, but she knows full well I have a family, same as her. That hurt me a lot. It made me feel like no one in my workplace values my relationship, like my private life is a joke to them.

Have you heard this from her? If you've only heard it from Henry, you don't know she encouraged him at alleast or what she actually said. He will have heard what he wants to and interpreted it to suit himself. You already know you can't trust him, so don't judge others on his hearsay alone.

Please say NO. Don't dress it up, so there is no chance of him seeing the slightest hint of a chance. Take copies of all evidence. Report to manager.

Good luck.

For alleast read least. Stupid phone.

No, I meant all, not least, instead of alleast. Stupid brain.

Henry, after telling me how he felt about me, also told me that another female member of staff had encouraged him to tell me he liked me, as he’s a ‘good guy’ and I need a ‘good guy to treat me right’. I’ve worked with this woman for 4 years, we don’t see each other very often now due to different shifts, but she knows full well I have a family, same as her. That hurt me a lot. It made me feel like no one in my workplace values my relationship, like my private life is a joke to them.

I wouldn't believe that at all. No woman would say that about another woman with a family. That may be what Henry heard, but I'd put money on that not being what she said. If he heard anything he heard what he wanted to hear.

Same with the original comment tbh. I'd be very wary of believing him over anything. He's attempting to isolate you from your co-workers because that makes you less likely to speak to them or to complain about him.

Without wanting to sound hideously dramatic, if Henry is upping the ante then you need to do the same. He might just be a deluded idiot with no social graces, but he might also be a dangerous stalker. Please don't downplay this - some men are dangerous, and Henry is ringing a lot of alarm bells for people on this thread.

"Please don't downplay this - some men are dangerous, and Henry is ringing a lot of alarm bells for people on this thread."

Completely agree.

The national stalking helpline has a free number to call for advice & support, OP. Please give them a call.
www.suzylamplugh.org/pages/category/national-stalking-helpline

Place marking, running to work right now, but I'm coming back to tell you my story, it was similar

It's outrageous that you are feeling like this.

Personally I would send him one more message - there are some good drafts on here - clearly saying that the amount of messages are getting out of hand.

When he messages again - I'm sure he will then you need to email him at work for the record.

Ideally say something in front of other people.

If at all possible ask people to swop the last six shifts.

@Gratedcheeseontop

Henry needs to be told to back off now! He sounds a bit dangerous to me and I would even consider making a complaint to the police. Stalking is a criminal offence now and he needs someone to tell him this behavior is not acceptable in the work place. I would also log a complaint with your immediate boss who should deal with this situation promptly.

Block him and tell him to fuck the fuck off in no uncertain terms. So it will be awkward at work. So what? It should be really awkward - for him. Why have you been polite and replying to his texts? Why does he have your personal phone number?

Just shut it down. Bollock him loudly at work in front of people if he gets arsey and report him to HR. It's sexual harrassment, plain and simple and he will rapidly get the sack if he persists. Don't be afraid if standing up for yourself and rocking the boat- he needs to be tipped out without a lifejacket, the stupid harrassing arsehole.

I think also a good rule is not to add anyone on social media from work, unless they become a personal friend outside work.

Tighten up your social media, can you block everyone from work, then tell them you’ve deleted your account?

Please make sure you are not alone with him.

Could you not talk to your manager because he's Henry's friend and try and couch it in terms of 'concern' for Henry, not wanting him to be embarrassed or to make things awkward, and you know he just wants to be friends etc, so you thought maybe manager could have a word as Henry's friend and emphasise that you have a partner and a child and all the messaging is making things a bit weird at home (I'd have absolutely no qualms about pretending my husband is a jealous twat if need be here) so, to avoid people getting the wrong impression, he needs to stop contacting you...

I know in an ideal world, you'd say all this to him directly and he'd listen and change his behaviour. But you've tried, and his behaviour is so odd (you have a partner of 10 years and a child!!) that I'm not sure he'd listen, no matter how clear you were. And you don't know him well enough to know how he'll react, so I see no problem in trying to get someone else to be the messenger, in case that's more effective.

Good luck for the next few weeks - do you have any holiday left you could use up? I'd consider talking to your gp, too, since this must be a source of genuine stress for you. It sounds horrible just reading about it! And very best of luck in your new job when it starts!

I would say loudly so everyone can hear I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOU SO LEAVE ME ALONE OR MY MAN WILL COME HERE AND TELL YOU TO BACK THE FUCK OFF!

I suspect that Henry's a total fantasist and that the bullying conversation about you did not happen at all - it was simply a way for him to ingratiate himself. Same with the female employee saying that you need a good man. That's bullshit also. There is no way anyone would say that if you're clearly happily in a relationship. (Do you constantly moan about your DH at work?) I think Henry's already involved in a fantasy relationship with you, and he's definitely got dangerous, stalkers vibes screaming from your descriptions of his behaviours. I would keep the messages saved - print hard copies, as I suspect you will probably end up needing these as evidence.

This is a good interview with Gavin de Becker that talks about to cut off unwanted attention, and why.

www.lennyletter.com/story/the-lenny-interview-gavin-de-becker

I would message him and include what you told him when you were alone with him so you have it in writing that you told him you were in a family of three and that you weren't interested.
He's at best socially awkward which is why he is messaging on SM rather than speaking to you but to continue after you have given him the knock back face to face is worrying.
As PP's have mentioned. I don't believe the other worker said you and he were a good fit and I don't believe someone was bad mouthing you. These are lies designed to destabilise you.
If he doesn't know you are leaving I would be worried about what he does when he learns this.

Send a massive email to your employer including how it is making you feel because if you feel harassed you are being harassed.

I worked for a small company and this side of it is a nightmare as there are zero protections in place. I joined a union because of this and I was really glad I did because it meant I had someone in my corner when management had repeatedly refused to listen to me.
Ask yourself if he would do this to a man? No. Act today and get this documented with the company.

Hey OP this is horrible. Please print everything out, or screenshot it at home and store it on your computer (or better, external drive that is kept unconnected).

I don't want to alarm you, and it's not nice to think about, but as he's ramping things up and he's at some point in the next 6 weeks going to discover you're leaving and haven't told him, it may be important. A lot of stalking is done online. So google yourself and see what comes up - try and get it removed. He's probably already looked but just in case. Certainly look if there's anything indicating where you live and never leave your phone unattended at work.

If he's contacting you on FB make sure your security setting for him is the one where he cannot see updates, if you're not blocking him. If you post anything about your new job
There are probably more online steps to take.

Do not sign into social media on your work computer if you're doing this and change your password - at home - if you are.

And it's essential that you message the text that was posted above prepared for the poster by the police. You only need to send him one message and it's to make it explicitly clear that you want no more of this contact. And if he continues I would check with ACAS and go to the police.

Do NOT disclose to your work you were sexually assaulted. From the sounds of things they will turn it into you being sensitive because of your past, he's just being friendly, they know him, he's harmless....

If it's on social media I would deactivate your accounts until you leave then block him.

Apart from anything, when he's watching you as you walk to the loo etc.
and messaging you inane crap through the day, he's not, y'know, actually doing his fecking job he's being paid to do is he?

If the boss doesn't do anything after your email and he pulls this crap on the next poor soul that works there, there's evidence Henry's behaviour is questionable and management have done nothing.

The union wiped the floor with my previous employer for ignoring my emails for months. He wanted the massive income from the business but not one tiny bit of responsibility and it was me that suffered.

I would go to the police and say 'is this stalking?'.

It would be nice, if I was you, to be able to forward every text message to a police officer or department at the police so his behaviour is being monitored by them, it would give you a sense of support. Then if things get worse they can do something or if not it doesn't matter as you are gone. You could say you are worried he tries something physical once he knows you are leaving.

I have no idea how the police will treat this but you could speak to them at least as it is surely harrassment or stalking.

If you absolutely have to stay for 6 weeks. Ignore his messages, don't spend any time with him alone (call in sick on the days you know this will be happening)

Keep all messages and have a word with management on your last day in work. If they choose to ignore his behaviour then that's their choice.

He may be lying about what your colleague said about you needing a good man. He could be trying to isolate you by making you feel unsupported. I wouldn't put anything past him.

I would stop reading the msgs and phone the stalking hotline.

Good luck. I'm really glad you've got something else in place. Have a really hard think about whether there's any way you can leave sooner.

Good luck OP. Good advice on here. I don't wish to sound alarmist, but how is your security at home? Any cameras? One of those 'ring' camera door bells?