To be getting more and more concerned regarding male colleague?

[Gratedcheeseontop]

NC for this.
I’m in a difficult situation and I’m unsure of where to go from here.

Currently working with a male, I’ll call him Henry for the sake of this, and In the past few weeks he has;

-Messaged me constantly about trivial things, I’ll get messages at least every other day. I don’t reply to these.

• messages me when we’re both in work, in the same room??

• I constantly catch him staring at me during the day. If I move to nip to the loo or go on break his head shoots up and he’ll be watching me. He’s also sent me a few messages along the lines of “ooh did xyz piss you off? I saw the way you frowned” or “what’s up, you look sad?”

-last week he asked another member of staff (his friend) to leave work early so he could tell me, to my face, that he ‘really liked me’. This made me feel so bloody uncomfortable and I didn’t know how to react. I don’t like being forced into a situation and that’s exactly how I felt. It was just Henry and I at work at the time also, which put me on edge. Henry told me that he had specifically asked other work colleague to leave early so he could speak to me alone. He’d planned it all out. Other members of staff were aware of his plan and not one of them decided to tell me and give me a bit of warning.

-since telling me how he feels, Henry has upped the number of messages he sends me. I’ve told him that I would like us to stay as colleagues and that’s it. I didn’t think I’d have to explain this as I have a DP (very long term relationship, 10+ years) and a DC- something I reiterated to him just to be crystal clear.

Henry did tell me that he understood and respected my decision, and it won’t make things weird, but has became really persistent. He won’t stop messaging me daily, if I don’t reply within an hour he’ll send another message, and if I don’t reply to that one he’ll send another. It feels like he feels entitled to my time? It’s borderline possessive! I don’t even speak to my own family or closest friend every hour of every day, so I’ve no idea why he thinks i should be messaging him back when he says so.

I’ve asked DP not to get involved as it will aggravate the situation, although he does want to.
I can’t speak to my manager about this, as he will tell the owner of the company- who is very good friends with Henry. It’s a very small, family run type business, so no HR or anything like that.

It seems like he’s obsessed with me, and I’m genuinely getting a bit scared. He’s messaged me 8 times today because I haven’t replied. I feel like I can’t block his number as it would make it terribly awkward at work, and he’ll just find another way to contact me. Thanks to very slack security measures in my workplace henry also knows where I live.
He is very close to the men in the office, and quite a few of the women. It will be spun as if I’m the heartless bitch who blocked him and complained to management purely for him wanting to be my ‘friend’. It would make work absolute hell to be honest!

Luckily I have another job lined up which I’m due to start in around 6 weeks, so I don’t have to put up with this forever. I’m just getting worried as he’s getting more and more intense, I don’t know him that well at all, so how do I know that he won’t take it too far one day? What if desperation drives him to do something?

I have 6 shifts left with him where we’ll be left alone for around an hour together, and I’m dreading them. The last message I had off him was along the lines of me making things “weird” by not replying to him.

Any advice please? This is really bothering me.

You need to tell him to stop all the messages as they are making you feel harassed and uncomfortable. At the same time you need to report to somebody at your workplace. And keep every other interaction clipped and to the point.

Respond to each of his emails, copy in your manager every time. If it's a work related be short blunt to the point. If it's personal, respond with something along the lines of 'Sorry this is work time.'

It's harassment and a sort of bullying as well, it's designed to make you feel uncomfortable.

I'd just block him and tell the managers, if not for you then for the next poor girl he tries this on with.

The fact that your boss is friends with him doesn't mean they shouldn't be dealing with this guy's harassment of you.
Keeping it secret is protecting him, and puts you in a very vulnerable position.
I think you should tell your boss, and add that you don't want to be left alone with him, and request that they take steps to ensure that you are not alone with him. Explain that you feel unsafe . If they don't respond satisfactorily, put it in writing.
Your DH shouldn't approach this man, but he could speak to your boss if you think it might help this be taken more seriously.
You have made it very clear that you do not welcome his advances, and now you need to make it clear to him and your employer that his actions constitute harassment.

Not sure what to suggest OP. I know you don't want to involve other people, but maybe get picked up by some male friends/DP and get them to give him a bit of a look.

You should be able to tell your boss/manager. Show them the evidence and also tell him to not contact you anymore. If they do not act and he keeps up his behaviour, you may be within your right to take constructive dismissal and pursue legal action as you cannot go to work and feel safe (not sure though, so please seek advice first!). You should also report to the police at this point as it's harrassment. Are any of your details accessible in your workplace? I would ensure these are safe.

I can see why you're worried. Henry definitely seems to be ramping up his attentions. I think you would be wise to send one message asking him to stop and if he doesn't then take the lot to your manager. Eight messages in a day is preposterous. Even the company owner will find it difficult to minimise that level of pestering.

You are being too polite.

If it is only 6 weeks I would go to the boss regardless if friendships. You have him asking colleagues to leave and the endless messages as evidence.

I agree you need to send him one clear message that he is not to contact you unless there is no other option regarding a work matter.

What did your DP want to do when he proposed ‘getting involved’? If you don’t think you can involve management and you just have to limp through six shifts then maybe letting him have a word is the only other option.

Also will Henry have access to your new job details?

I agree, I’m thinking of every way possible to avoid confrontation as I don’t know him well, and don’t know if he’ll react aggressively.

Potential trigger

Was sexually assaulted 7 years ago, almost to the day actually, by my manager at a previous job. What Henry is doing now is bringing up memories I’d rather not think about, and I’m starting to feel how I did back then.

I don’t want DP to get involved as I don’t want him to get hurt. Henry could be an utter psychopath and could come round and beat DP up for all I know. Yes, I’m probably thinking worst case scenario but Henry seems really really odd and I wouldn’t put anything past him at this point.

I’ve even asked DP to look through the messages when I did rarely reply, and see from a mans point of view if I’d led him on in any way.

Unfortunately I have experience of this.

You HAVE to send him a text being very clear that any further contact is inappropriate and unwanted.

"Henry I have made it very clear that I am not interested in pursuing any form of relationship with you other than that of work colleagues. By continuing to text me and making comments about me (insert example), you are making me feel very uncomfortable. I have to make it absolutely clear to you that other than any appropriate work related communication, whilst at work and during working hours only, I have no wish for any further contact. Any further texts or communication from you would be unwanted. I expect that you will respect my wishes and avoid any need for me to escalate matters with the relevant authorities."

After that, other than work, you must not engage with him at all. No matter what he texts etc do not engage. If he ignores your request you must alert the police. Keep a diary.

You absolutely need to tell your manager, his friend or not. If you've got all these messages still then show them. The sheer volume can't be misconstrued as anything else.

Is your new job in the bag? Has your current employer done your reference? My only concern with the above is that your manager turns on you 'because Henry is such a nice guy' and fucks you over with your reference

I would call ACAS for advice and then ask your manager for a meeting. Turn your OP into some bullet points and hand them over in the meeting. I understand that 'Henry' is friends with the manager, but do you really think he would just ignore the issue of you told him? This really is harassment of a member of staff by another. He needs to address it.

I worked with someone like this. I managed to brush him off but it later turned out he was hitting on a whole string of junior colleagues who found it much harder to brush him off or report him. Think he's out of the job now. I wished I had reported him.

I would be making it absolutely clear to him that his behaviour is unwanted and is making you feel uncomfortable and that you want it stopped. If no HR dept then put a formal complaint in writing to the most senior manager there. They absolutely have a legal obligation to investigate and to stop sexual harassment of this nature. They must know that unless they put a stop to this then they are leaving themselves open to an industrial tribunal.

I appreciate that you are afraid and that your mind is running away with you at the moment. That is what happens in these scenarios. You do not have to be nice to Henry or appease him. Perhaps he knows you are the kind not to make a fuss and thinks he will get away with this behaviour.

You really should tell your senior colleagues of what is happening. It is extremely important both for your own protection and for future females who have to work with Henry.

I tried to appease my Henry for years. Almost two decades in fact. It was only police involvement that made him stop. I wish I had nipped it in the bud in the early stages. I felt very like you.

With your history of being assaulted you should not be expected to be left alone with this man. to you.

YOUR feelings should override his and your colleagues. You need to do what you have to to keep yourself safe.

Stop worrying about what other people will think.

You need to tell him you're not interested, make sure that everyone at work knows you're not interested and tell them under circumstances are you to be left alone with him for him to "talk to you".

I would screen shot and collate the messages so they can be sent in and an email. Speak to ACAS and then email your manager, including the messages, and say you have spoken to ACAS and expect the company to take action to protect you from harassment.

The company I work for is so corrupt. I don’t want to share too much as it could be outing if the right person read this. I’ve heard that they’ve had members of staff lie in court for management when faced with dismissal cases. I know this all sounds so convenient, but it really is THAT bad. The whole place is just corrupt and so unprofessional it’s unreal.

Henry’s response when I said about keeping it as just work colleagues was “I appreciate your honesty, that’s cool with me. I’m happy staying friends”. So he thinks we’re friends. I’ve never once seen him outside of work so I don’t know why he assumes we’re friends.
Am I going to have to put it bluntly and say that we’re not friends, and he needs to stop messaging me?

I hate that I’ve been put in this situation. I haven’t flirted or made any kind of reference that I’m interested in him, so I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this level of persistence and harassment.

Please, please show your manager these messages and explain the situation. If it is as you say I don’t see how it can be misconstrued. So what if the manager tells the owner, maybe the owner should know what a slimy dickhead his friend ‘Henry’ is!

DO NOT let him get away with it, when you leave he may move on to someone else if his behaviour goes unchecked. Let everyone know what a slime ball he is, he deserves to be humiliated - he is bullying and harassing you and getting away with it.

Namechange84 nails it - it’s professional, not rude and implies you’re willing to take it further. Worth a try.

(I.e the suggested message is great, realised that wasn’t clear!)

At the very least tell your colleagues you don’t want to be left alone with him and that he makes to you very uncomfortable. Surely any half decent people would assist you in this?

Another vote for one clear message stating clearly that you want him to stop texting you, that it's making you uncomfortable, and I'd also reference the 'chat' you had when you told him you were not interested, to create a bit of a paper trail. He sounds like an absolute creep. Sorry this is happening, sounds like you've been through hell already. I wouldn't hesitate to bring this to your manager if he doesn't comply with a direct request to STOP.

You've done nothing to deserve this. The guy's a creep. I had similar. Small biz, no hr. The guy ended up Googling me and finding out where I lived. Blocked me into the break room while trying to get me to agree to meet him in the pub after work. I made up a boyfriend to try and get him to stop. He got angry and started asking a million questions about the boyfriend. Just wouldn't leave me alone. Awful awful experience. I just left the job. It was clear the manager wasn't going to do anything. Everyone knew the guy was "a bit weird" but no one did or said anything to protect me.

So if you can afford to leave, do it now.

Otherwise just make sure you don't get stuck on your own with him until you leave.

You say the company you work for is so corrupt that staff have lied at tribunals. However you have all the hard evidence you need to prove your case, whether to your manager or to the police if it gets to that point. So you're in a stronger position than you seem to think.

You're either going to have to report this or, if you really can't face it, confide in your GP and see if they'll sign you off sick. Explain your history as - given your horrible memories - trying to spend time alone with this creepy man will probably make you genuinely ill.