75% of mothers

[user87382294757]

...do all of the housework and childcare related tasks - no matter how many hours they work outside of this

I was a bit depressed to read this in the Independent newspaper today.

I wondered how mush of this rings true in your experience?

Surely some of it is just down to different standards of cleanliness in a couple? My dh probably feels that he does the vast majority of the cleaning in our house where as i feel we do approx. 50-50. But usually he thinks i haven't done a thorough enough job and keeps cleaning long after I've finished.

YABU to believe such shit.

True in my household too. I have a similar level job to my DH but somehow get collared for childcare and housework. He does absolutely nothing around the house and if I ask him to do anything he rolls his eyes and huffs as though I'm making life difficult for him. He doesn't even pick up after himself. I agree with what many posters say about mental load too-it's shattering!

I work 12hr shifts, DH does about 50% of the housework, sometimes a bit more sometimes a bit less, depends on the days I work and what needs doing. He works more days, but leaves later than me in the mornings and gets home earlier than me in the evenings, and I work every other weekend, where he only works week days. We just do what needs doing between us.

We share everything but only because I delegate and supervise. Somehow my ovaries mean I'm responsible for thinking of every fucking thing and telling others what they should be doing and when. This is reinforced by MIL who although, she is amazing still thinks I am i should be soley in charge of all school/ family/home related crap.

I only know people in the 25% don't know anyone who does it all

Yep I do it all!!

Not true in my house, but true for a lot of my colleagues and friends.

One friend works more hours than her husband over fewer days, yet she still makes every meal their family eat (including breakfasts and packed lunches), does all the housework (on her midweek days off so she thinks it's fair), and arranges all childcare (he will drop off/collect children, but expects them to be compelled ready to be dropped off without any input from him at all). I have no idea why she puts up with it. If nothing else, she'd have less housework if he moved out because he wouldn't be adding to the mess/work.

My DH does his fair share of housework/childcare, but thinks he does most of it. He genuinely thinks he does more than me, but he's never helped with homework, or gone to a parents evening, or taken a child to any medical appointment (it's bloody stressful as dd2 has selective mutism and gets very anxious), or organised a play date, or taken either child to an activity. He rarely does bedtimes or cm pick ups, etc either. Yet he thinks he does the majority of childcare (I will admit he does more housework than me over an average week, but he works about 15 hours a week less than me)

For it to be useful information we need to see the data on the hours the women are working. If 90% work less then 2 days per week then it implies equity in the household. If 90% work 5 days per week then that’s totally unequal.

It tells me nothing more than the journalist is trying to make me assume or conclude something. They aren’t really informing me.

Dp ‘helps’ with cleaning and cooking but not the mental load of childcare. He wouldn’t think to give ds dinner or get him ready for bed if I’m around- he’s used to me doing it all.

Doesn't surprise me in the least. There is still an unspoken rule I feel. My own mother drives me up the pole sometimes with her attitudes; Just the other day she asked my friend how her husband coped with meals etc whilst she was working away on business and "wasn't there to cook dinner for him coming in" and she constantly comments on her work colleague's husband "do you know he's expected to come home and PUT A WASH ON?!" Both of them work full time but the woman is a nurse and constantly on her feet whilst the man works at a desk 9-5.

The fact that she's only got two people that she knows that she can make these comments about speaks volumes. The rest of relationships she's aware of the man doesn't help at all apart from to maybe put the bins out or give the kids a lift to school or hobbies.

Although she does comment every time she sees a man with his own child out in public - "Oh his wife has obviously left him to babysit" or "he must be spoiling his wife with a lie in or either that they are divorced and it's his week".

I tried to explain to her that if two couples are working full time it makes no sense for one to do all the childcare and housework and that the only reasonable solution is to share tasks equally.

She said "good luck finding a man who shares THAT viewpoint. I can tell you now they don't exist."

Theres a running joke that in all my 35 years I've seen my father make a cup of tea for my mother less than a handful of times. When she was bed bound with an infection he "forgot" to ensure I was fed whilst I was a very small child. I was finally given a sandwich at 8.30pm. I've never seen him with a vacuum cleaner, iron, duster or indeed any cleaning appliance in his hand.

That's a "woman's job". Even if she works full time or has health problems.

My relatives seem to have raised their sons with the same view .

But does it really, truly matter how much ‘more’ housework or child related matters mothers do compared to fathers?
And even if it was true, why should it be depressing?

Jesus...

Not in my house - we share everything equally usually, but actually my husband is probably doing 75% at the moment as I’m heavily pregnant and struggling!

My hubby works 6am to 5.30pm 5 days a week & every other Saturday for half day. He still comes home does 50% of housework, cooks at least once a week (usually when it's something quick like stir fry or pizza), gets up during the night with our toddler who's almost 3 but still wakes up most nights

Talk about the other side of the coin. You ought to be doing a bit more (especially getting up at night) and your "hubby" ought to do a bit less, HereWeGoAgain16. I was a SAHM for many, many years (assume you are too), and that stuff is surely all part of the deal? As it stands, your husband appears to be doing two jobs and working a 24 hour day, including being 'on call' at night...

Was true in my house. Reader, I divorced him.

I absolutely believe this and as much of a twat as I will sound I’m one of the “enlightened middle classes” where the men of my generation went to uni and did their washing, ironing, shopping, cleaning etc themselves.

Then married and procreated and did fuck all.

So many women I know have this battle with their DHs - men who are not from some macho misogynistic background, men who can but just wont.

And the crazy thing they seem to get exponentially lazier as they go through getting wed, having one baby, two, maybe even three. And then it’s “oh just get a cleaner” whilst wilfully ignoring the day to day shit that has to be done that affects everyone (grill pans, toddler detritus, laundry needing washed, dried and put away).

It’s shocking and I despair for these women who are mostly working FT in jobs just as demanding (or more and getting paid less) than loaded management accountant/divisional manager/expert consultant DH.

Rant over

All of it??

I find that hard to believe.

I do 100% of childcare and did 100% when I was FT (all drop off, pick ups, all mental load of paying nursery and arranging things) and if I go back to work after DC 2 I’ll also be doing 100% which is due to work schedules (his) being incompatible with childcare hours. The mental load of it I’m trying to change though - the last few forms I’ve had him fill in and send albeit with me prompting and telling him what to write.

Housework though - no. I’d like to say it’s 50/50 but he has higher standards than me. I do most laundry and de-cluttering but he pretty much does the rest so maybe I do 40%.

I also have the mental load of the weekly shop order which is delivered so maybe that could switch me up to 50.

I don’t know any household where the man does NOTHING.

True
Dh probably has more old fashioned attitudes than most
Working helps keep me sane
Some stuff I’ve stopped doing, some I’ve accepted
I decided it wasn’t worth ending the relationship over this
But it’s one of the reasons I will not be having more kids
It’s a lot to do every day and a lot to think about every day

I do 100% here. I'm pretty resentful about it. I don't work outside the home and I don't see how I can when I have to do everything.

I'd want to try and chase down the source of this statistic, doesn't sound right to me. Are they including single mums or something? Or excluding garden and DIY jobs? Or just have a very small sample? Even with my parents, who had a very traditional split (dad worked, mum was SAHM) my dad did do stuff told the house/ with us though obviously nothing like 50%. I don't think I know anyone where a resident dad does none of the housework/child care.

True in our house. But that's because my partner works away during the week all over the country. He does what he can on a weekend but the washing is usually his own for the next week, and he can't cook. (He has tried, several times.) I mostly want him to focus on the boys when he's home too, playing with them etc.

DH works full time (away 3/4 days a week) and I work part time (1/2 days locally). I do 95% of cooking/housework/childcare because obviously I do it all when he's not here, then most of it when he is here.

He deals with lots of stuff that I hate doing, like gardening, repainting the house, repairs etc.

So I'd say that I do more than half overall, but then I work less, so it evens itself out.

Dh probably has more old fashioned attitudes than most
Working helps keep me sane

Not that old fashioned if he expects you to be bringing in money.

DH does 95% in this house. I work full time, he’s retired

Perhaps the number of single parents are tipping the balance on this statistic. I've been one for 13 years and so do everything (house, kid, dog, garden, car) plus work 2 jobs and study 16 hours. I personally find that far easier than having a partner who does eff all.