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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

75% of mothers

403 replies

user87382294757 · 16/09/2019 18:56

...do all of the housework and childcare related tasks - no matter how many hours they work outside of this

I was a bit depressed to read this in the Independent newspaper today.

I wondered how mush of this rings true in your experience?

OP posts:
Dipsticknik · 17/09/2019 17:48

So true in my house. I'm currently 36 weeks pregnant. I'm feeling so low, baby is breech and I'm worried about it, have chronic back ache and I'm having to bed my husband to leave his playstation alone to hang washing out, help me clean and even just spend time with me. Iv never felt so lonely. I have a 2.5 year old too who is very demanding, likes someone to play with needs fed ect. I can't seem to catch a rest. I really can't cope being lonely anymore, dealing with everything on my own. Iv already spoken to my midwife about depression and am awaiting a referral but I need someone now.

ToftyAC · 17/09/2019 17:48

I work, my DP is the SAHP. Little one just started reception and so DP does the majority of the housework and school runs. He’s thinking about job hunting nearer to Xmas to get himself back into the swing of work so it’ll all probably change then. But it’s a definitely male led housework in our home.

curlychocs · 17/09/2019 17:48

My husband cleans, cooks and does childcare so that isn't true here. However I would say I do 90% of the listing of what needs doing so he then does it.

Dipsticknik · 17/09/2019 17:49

Beg not bed. Predictive text!

TheCherries · 17/09/2019 17:51

True in my house

darkcloudsandrainstorms · 17/09/2019 17:53

It depends on how you define housework. I do most of ours but DH does a lot of house diy, kitchen, bathroom, wc, cupboards, painting, hanging doors etc.

crazychemist · 17/09/2019 17:55

My DH would love to get away with doing nothing towards housework and childcare. I love many things about him, but he can be a total man-child about housework. I certainly don’t do 100% of the work, but I do take 100% of the responsibility. He does currently work more hours than I do, but that has never been the reason for the unfair division, it’s just that he’d happily live in total squalor (his mum is a hoarder, so her grew up in horifically messy conditions).
In all honesty, it didn’t bother me at all pre-DD because there was less to do and he’d do things if he was asked to do so. Now I freely admit it has put strain on our relationship that he doesn’t take responsibility.

Molly564 · 17/09/2019 17:55

Not quite 100% but mostly i would say 90/95% and i am exhausted

2girlsandagap · 17/09/2019 17:56

Sorry, slightly braggy positive here.
Dh does the majority of our cleaning, I have an injury that hampers mobility so I am a bit useless domestically. He has never thrown it back at me and just sees it as making sure we all have a nice home rather than him doing a woman’s role.
Even before my injury we split it 50/50 and he’s always done 100% of the clothes washing because I managed to ruin 3/4ths of his wardrobe when we first got together.
I always do the bathroom and toilet though and always have.

2girlsandagap · 17/09/2019 17:56

Post not positive

AFistfulofDolores1 · 17/09/2019 17:56

I live with my ex-DH; we co-parent and live separate lives in the same house.

I work full-time out of the house; he is a writer.

He does all the housework; does the laundry on week-days, the bins, and manages all school-related things, and does breakfast and dinner for our son.

I do the gardening, and cook for the two of us; I do the laundry at the weekends. I do all the driving.

So he does much more of the domestic stuff.

Jack80 · 17/09/2019 17:58

Me and my husband work part time and have a tween and a teen, I work till 6 he works till 2/3, I do 3 separate jobs in schools so I do some of the shopping but I don't cook, we share cleaning and I wash the clothes and iron.

Sophlou1402 · 17/09/2019 18:12

Do the majority here too 🙄 but at least I know it’s done properly and I know where shit is!! It’s very boring living with a husband who constantly needs to be told what to do around the house, we have 4 kids in a 3 bed house, open your fricking eyes!!!

Sophlou1402 · 17/09/2019 18:14

@AFistfulofDolores1 wow how does that work with you both? My husband and I are in a shit situation and got marriage counselling starting next week but he’s driving me nuts and I’m struggling with lack of personal space 🤯

Spud50 · 17/09/2019 18:15

I think my DH does more than me. Who does which task can vary depending on which of us has more time. He is self employed so has more flexible working hours than I do plus he is very busy in the summer. Conversely I am employed so less flexible hours and have school holidays off. We spilt loads of jobs and then there are some he / I tend to do. For example he currently does the food shopping, bins, cats, anything to do with cars. But if either of us are too busy and something urgent crops up we just agree between us who will do it. It works for us. I had a short period when I was a SAHM and I did more than DH then but he’s always done lots. I was bought up in a household where my DM did everything and I vowed that never happen to me.

Crayolaaa · 17/09/2019 18:22

We both work FT. I do all the thinking/planning and life admin. DH does pretty much all the housework and cooking.

notbloodylikely · 17/09/2019 18:24

I do most of it during the week, much much less at weekends. But I’m starting work next week (part time) after years of working at home and I’m wondering how things are going to work out!

Theluckynumberthree · 17/09/2019 18:31

Geez I’m shocked by the replies of how many say their OH does more... I would say my house is definitely 95% me for cooking and cleaning!

Scbchl · 17/09/2019 18:31

It isnt true in my case no. My husband helps out its our house and our children. Whilst I do a bit more, I work less hours than he does so totally fair as it gets done when he is still working.

Theluckynumberthree · 17/09/2019 18:31

Shocked as in jealous 😱

EllenMP · 17/09/2019 18:32

That's true in my house, but DH does 100% of the garden work and other exterior maintenance, because I'm an indoor sort of gal. These surveys never seem to address other types of family-benefitting labour besides housework and childcare. Bill paying, car maintenance, gardening, gutter-cleaning, DIY. All are things husbands may well be doing while their wives are doing housework and childcare which these surveys never account for. I wouldn't go so far as to agree with Theresa May about boys jobs and girls jobs. But I think it often breaks down that way without there being a serious imbalance in total amount of work done by each partner, and if both are happy with their division of labour I don't see a feminist issue here. And I'm a full-on radical feminist.

EmeraldShamrock · 17/09/2019 18:34

DP will do lots of cleaning, childcare, cooking though needs instructions sometimes.
He would have no idea of outgoings, school notes, activities, he is good but not great.
He has to do at least an hour after work cleaning or homework, fair is fair I'd feel very resentful if he didn't it's expected.
I've 2 Dsis neither partners do house work or child care one is a SAHM the other puts in 50hours a week work too.

Dontknowwhyidoit · 17/09/2019 18:34

Previous to meeting my husband I was a single parent who worked full time and obviously did everything but this never changed when we moved in together as he is a farmer and is out of the house for at least 12 hours a day. I think I allowed this initially because I was used to doing it all plus my oldest children were not his so even though we lived together I didn't expect him to provide any childcare. Then we had our own children and I had to give up work and as I wasn't working I did it all.
So from working full time to being a sahm I have always had the whole responsibility of running the home. My husband has never cooked a meal, done the shopping, washed clothes, hoovered of mopped anything in his life. He came from his parents home to our home and if I died he would be buggered as he is clueless. However due to him being out 7 days a week from 6/7am - 8pm usually, its unlikely to change.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 17/09/2019 18:35

@Sophlou1402 - I don't think it works for everyone, if not most people. We had a clean break of several years before circumstances dictated that we live together - so we had worked through a lot of things in that time. Also, we were both in therapy, so held ourselves and each other accountable for our roles in the relationship. Also, we know our priority is our son. Everything else supports that. We live separate lives outside the family home, and have no jealousy towards the other's business or happiness. So, all in all, there have been a few things that have been conducive to its working.

Fowles94 · 17/09/2019 18:35

Oh god I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't do at least 25%. I'm on maternity and my partner works, he still helps out with a lot.
Even the single parents I know have all got very good families who at least help with cleaning or childcare if not both.
If the stats are correct I would think all the mum asked are being a tad dramatic.