38 weeks pregnant, unsupportive DH

[BeckieMc]

Last night after repeatedly asking dh to stop drinking as I could be in labour soon as was nauseous all day. He poured himself another drink and I lost it. Burst into tears saying he has been so unsupportive through the pregnancy and all I'm asking is for him to stay sober for 2 weeks (happy for him to have the odd couple just not drunk) and he can't do that for me. He said it's Sunday everyone's drinking I said not with a 9mnth pregnant wife they aren't. Smacked the drink out his hand and swung for him (not my finest moment)! He hid upstairs and he's trying to pretend nothing happened today (silent treatment from me).

I'm 38w pregnant with our second dd. He is an amazing father and was once upon a time a good husband. We have been together 11 years. He has worked away since dd1 was 2 months old, 3 days a week in London which has been testing for our marriage. He is living with friends and drinking more and more. He has a very stressful job amazing salary so the pressure is obviously getting to him.

Since we found out we were having another girl he lost all interest in the pregnancy I had to repeatedly ask for him to help with the baby's room I ended up doing a lot of lifting myself as was sick of asking for his help. 1 night in tears begging for him to help me with the room as was sick of asking. He moved a couple of boxes that's it. He's shown no interest at all.

I'm at my wits end he never asks about the baby, doesn't touch my belly or ask how I am. Thinking of asking dm to be birthing partner instead

@SunshineCake

No we really really aren’t!

Yes he’s a cunt but fuck me it’s abuse! There are no excuses!
I’ve been a cunt, I have bipolar and I’ve put my oh through the ringer, he’s a recovering alcoholic and he’s put me through the ringer.. it’s never acceptable to hit and we never have!

There are too many men who won’t speka up about domestic abuse because of shit like this ‘but you’re bigger than her’ Yeha well good for him for not using his weight because I bet a lot of people would out of pure fight response

Hi OP. Sorry not usually one to post on here but I'm pretty amazed by people's lack of support.
Your DH sounds like a selfish arrogant twat! In fact your life resembles mine with my now EX husband whilst I was pregnant with my DD2. He always put alcohol and getting pissed before me and our kids. Hence why he is now an ex! I honestly could have written your post, including the part about not helping with the nursery etc ( but minus the swinging for him part)
He isn't supporting you when you are at your most vulnerable and it's not fair. My advice would be stop asking him to stop drinking now, you've tried and it obviously hasn't worked but just warn him that when you go into labour if he is drunk or has been drinking he won't be invited to the birth with you and you will be taking your mum.

After telling him this My advice would be to go and have a couple of nights break at your mums so you can clear your head and get treated properly for a few days. Maybe apologise for trying to hit him as that probably wasn't a great move on your part but it sounds like you know that.

Sorry your having a rough time. My ex completely tainted that whole pregnancy/newborn period of my life and I will never forgive him for that. I look back at photos of when my DD2 was a newborn and am just filled with sadness and memories of loneliness.
I hope you can sort things out.
Xxxx

Such nonsense replies.

OP, google stonewalling and Lundy's The Water Torturer.

You will find your husband there.
He does this on purpose.

I'm so sorry, this is a terrible time to find this out, but the true colours do tend to show once the woman is stuck.

This sort of man will drive you insane and he loves it as it makes him feel sane and superior by comparison. There is no solution, he cannot be fixed, at some stage you will need to leave. Have your mother at the birth.

Jeez I’m truly amazed and disappointed at some of the replies on here. OP has been open enough to admit she shouldn’t have swung at her DH and suddenly people are piling in nastily saying ‘oh I wonder why he drinks so much then?’ She’s completely powerless, vulnerable and at the end of her tether. She’s about to give birth and she’s stuck with this unreliable drunk who puts himself before his pregnant wife.

Victim blaming is alive and well on here. Addicts and alcoholics do NOT develop their problems because of who they live with. It goes way deeper than that. These comments just smack of horrible bitchy women standing on street corners and blaming women for the shortcomings of their menfolk. Misogyny runs deep in this place.

All these people who would never hit out at someone in exactly these circumstances- what’s your method of dealing with the situation that’s so much better? Crying? Begging? Pouring yourself a drink? Also, you don’t know until you’ve been in that situation. Why can’t the DH control himself and his behaviour if you’re expecting the OP to as well?

I've not read all the replies yet op but as someone who grew up with a drunk father and lived with an alcoholic for a number of years, I really think a lot of pp have been incredibly harsh. I also have a real issue with the comparison between a slight woman physically lashing out at a man, with a man lashing out at a women. It is not the same thing.

However, it does sound very unhealthy for all of you at the moment and probably time for you to make plans that don't involve him (ie DM as birth partner, like you said).

This poor woman is in desperate need of some help and the bloody snowflakes on here are ripping her to shreds. If knocking a glass out of someones hands or raising your voice is classed as DV then we are all abusers. As some one who has suffered true DV, throwing this label around willy nilly is not bloody helpful and trivalalises domestic violence, shouting or knocking a glass out of his hand is not equal to being kicked punched strangled or raped. Dont normalise DV

Victim blaming is alive and well on here Oh I agree, fancy saying he deserved it because he’s an alcoholic. Or because he’s a man he can take it from a woman. Definite victim blaming there

If knocking a glass out of someones hands or raising your voice is classed as DV then we are all abusers well yes it is classed as DV as defined by Woman’s Aid.
And no, I have never gestured to hit someone, which is what the Op did. That is not normal in a relationship. Give yourself a shake.

I don't anyone is normalising DV. At all.

But there's a big difference in shouting and physically smacking a drink out of someone's hand and going for them.

That behaviour is not acceptable. Does the OP deserve sympathy and support? Yes, of course. She clearly needs help because her relationship is in an awful state and she's vulnerable. If she isn't normally violent and has never done anything like this before, I would view it as a wake up call that things have gotten that bad.

However, I would also want to take responsibility for my actions and seek help to better control my emotions and anger - because often, tragically, there is a 'next time' when it comes to violence in a relationship. Male or female.

Completely agree with @Gindaddy, you sound at the end of your rope OP, and while getting physical is never a good idea, I'd have done the same myself in your shoes. Ask DM to be your birthing partner, your DH isgoing to be no use to you when you are in labour. And actually appalled at the level of vitriol directed at you from folk on here. What a horrible bunch.

You arent a domestic abuser. You lost your head for a moment. Clearly you regret it. I slapped a boyfriend once when I lost my mind at something. Did I do it again? No. Was I sorry? Yes.

This poor woman is upset and clearly feeling very alone and I personally think he is emotionally abusing her by being unavailable and she lashed out. Leave her alone.

The bottom line is how will this affect you when the baby comes? You need to either accept that he may not be supportive and that you are on your own. Do you rely on him financially or do you work? Could you leave or would it take time? I would ask DM to be birthing partner and try and rally support from family and friend so you don't have to lean ok him.

Lean on him that is meant to read

I'd have done the same myself in your shoes

I don't understand this. You wouldn't have removed yourself from an escalating emotional situation and decide to act in anger, rather than keep your emotions in check and act rationally? That's worrying.

I'm really sick of all the judgy people on here all holier than thou. People are allowed to make mistakes and loose their head once or twice in life. Jesus. We can't all be perfect like you.

I agree wudden
The nasty posters need to take a good look at themselves. Kicking someone when they are down is a shitty thing to do.

It’s ingenuous for so many people to be saying there’s nothing wrong with “a few drinks” when OP has said she doesn’t have an issue with a few drinks and her husband is repeatedly getting drunk and on drink 10 in the nights in question.

The husband has a drinking problem and has disengaged because of gender disappointment. OP lost control and got physical because of husband’s disengagement. Neither have covered themselves in glory. They need help and counselling rather than people jumping to defend the husband and vilify OP.

@ClassicTracks yes, I would, if I was 38 weeks pregnant with an utter cunt of a dh, who was prioritizing alcohol over me and dc, I would absolutley have lost the fucking plot. Having been in a relationship with am alcoholic and an abuser, I know exactly how much these men can push your buttons. And how easy it it is to lose your shit. You have no idea