38 weeks pregnant, unsupportive DH

[BeckieMc]

Last night after repeatedly asking dh to stop drinking as I could be in labour soon as was nauseous all day. He poured himself another drink and I lost it. Burst into tears saying he has been so unsupportive through the pregnancy and all I'm asking is for him to stay sober for 2 weeks (happy for him to have the odd couple just not drunk) and he can't do that for me. He said it's Sunday everyone's drinking I said not with a 9mnth pregnant wife they aren't. Smacked the drink out his hand and swung for him (not my finest moment)! He hid upstairs and he's trying to pretend nothing happened today (silent treatment from me).

I'm 38w pregnant with our second dd. He is an amazing father and was once upon a time a good husband. We have been together 11 years. He has worked away since dd1 was 2 months old, 3 days a week in London which has been testing for our marriage. He is living with friends and drinking more and more. He has a very stressful job amazing salary so the pressure is obviously getting to him.

Since we found out we were having another girl he lost all interest in the pregnancy I had to repeatedly ask for him to help with the baby's room I ended up doing a lot of lifting myself as was sick of asking for his help. 1 night in tears begging for him to help me with the room as was sick of asking. He moved a couple of boxes that's it. He's shown no interest at all.

I'm at my wits end he never asks about the baby, doesn't touch my belly or ask how I am. Thinking of asking dm to be birthing partner instead

No matter what the situation if a partner resorts to violence it should be called out on

Yes, but does it need calling out a dozen times, and as the only thing posters focus on?

OP knows she's wrong!

OP is clearly living in a horribly dysfunctional situation of the kind none of us would wish to be in. Such situations can cause a tumult of emotions, and for people who don't have the contacts or money to have counselors on speed dial etc, sometimes forum advice is all we have.

"you're wrong to hit him" isn't advice.

Quite frankly I'm disgusted at the unsupportive posts
It was the final straw as far as the OP was concerned.
She is not controlling - a word too freely used on mumsnet. She is two weeks short of giving birth and her husband is behaving like a selfish arsehole.

I am with Gindaddy. Of course you are not violent or controlling. You are at your wits end.
This is horrible for you. You are describing very high levels of alcohol abuse. He is still functioning at work but can no longer function at home. You can not rely upon him to support you or behave responsibly around the children. Ask your Mum for help. I would leave.

I came on here for someone to talk to as I feel alone and nobody to talk to about our marriage problems

To be honest if he is not listening and he doesn't even live with you and the children I would presume he has checked out of the relationship. It might be worth considering counselling so you can both discuss the issues within your relationship. However be prepared to accept that given the state of the relationship it might be better for you both to move on. Either way we cannot decide how you will proceed but surely you both know that the current situation is not working?

Op writes a long thread, and the only thing some of you can take from it is that she lost her temper
Sure it needs calling out but how about trying to be helpful also, rather than just stick the boot in?

Op I can hear your frustration. You've already said it wasn't your finest moment, you know that but do you feel you can keep your emotions in check if he does this again? Maybe some kind of counselling would help you overcome this anger.
Moving forward does he acknowledge his drinking? I agree with a pp that he sounds like he has already checked out. Can you cope if you are a single parent?

They always say ‘it’s out of character for me’

You swung for him, disgusting.

Asking on here probably wasn’t the best idea OP, posters are ripped to shreds for a lot less and I don’t see this one ending well for you...

You’re obviously heavily pregnant and hormonal struggling with an unsupportive husband. It’s not easy, he shouldn’t be drinking to such excess when he may need to drive you to hospital.

Whichever way you look at it the relationship is doing more harm to both of you than good. You are both fed up, he is drinking and avoiding the home, you are alone and angry. Something has to give and it's best the relationship ends before you lose control again.

HI OP

Leave him - I know that’s easier said than done but you arnt getting any emotional support.

Do you have family you could stay with while you give birth?

Or failing that when he’s at work change the locks because this guy is choosing drinking over his pregnant wife!

I’m sorry op

Sorry, no. No sympathy for you. You don't swing for people, you don't knock their drinks to the floor. Have you considered he was sitting there passive because you were intimidating? Absolutely unacceptable behaviour and a man would be totally slammed for behaving like that.
Start planning for single parenting because if I were him I'd be gone. You're a classic bully, coming up with excuses for your actions. If you were genuinely worried about being in labour you wouldn't have had the time to attack your partner would you.

Hi OP

It sounds like everything has really broken down between you two.

I'm assuming you became violent as you thought you were in labour and were scared and this has not happened before? Clearly that doeant excuse it.

You are lashing out and at the end of being able to cope with his behaviour

He sounds completely absent, physically and emotionally and clearly has an issue with alcohol.

Talk to him when he is sober. Firstly you need to apologise for trying to hit him. And mean it. Try and avoid blaming phrases and accusations (eg you let me down, you're always pissed) and stick to facts, he has drank too much to drive the last 7 nights, this makes you feel very alone and scared. Ask what he wants.

I think you need to make an appointment with marriage counselling as soon as you can and go by yourself if he wont go.

Or failing that when he’s at work change the locks because this guy is choosing drinking over his pregnant wife!

I presume both the OP and her husband are named on the mortgage of their property and if this is really rubbish advice. I appreciate you were trying to be helpful but you cannot just tell someone to change the locks and deny their partner entry to the property.

It does sound like you’re both on quite a volatile please (his drinking and your emotions) and that environment isn’t going to be great for the children. I think many women would be upset and frustrated in your situation but you don’t want to see an escalation or you lashing out in other ways. Can you get some couples counselling?

You are lashing out and at the end of being able to cope with his behaviour

But there are zero excuses for lashing out. No matter if you are at the end of your patience, feel frustrated and emotional, you always have the choice to walk away/calm down/remove yourself.

I do have sympathy, OP. You clearly need to talk through your emotions and feelings, as the marriage isn't working for either of you at the moment. Asking your DM to help in labour is a great idea, and as I said upthread you might want to reach out for therapy/help to work through things. You deserve to feel better, but no matter how shit your DH is being he doesn't deserve violence.

OP, he’s an alcoholic. I grew up with alcoholics and have had a relationship with one. I understand how the selfishness and dangerous actions they take could lead you to act this way.

She is not an abuser, she’s a very pregnant and vulnerable person pushed beyond their limits. I’m not sure those condemning you have any concept of what it’s like to live with an addict (and if he can’t refrain from drinking for a fortnight in order to make sure you and your baby get to a hospital, he’s an addict).

And if the roles were reversed I wouldn’t be at all surprised at a man pushing a drink out of a woman’s hand in frustration. I wouldn’t condemn them either.

Jesus the thread police are out in force today.

OP you sound desperate and at the end of your tether.

If he can't stay sober when you could go into labour at any moment, then he's either an arsehole or a drunk. Neither or which would be welcome in a delivery room with me.

Do you have someone else who can support you for the birth so you know that you can rely on someone?

I feel for you OP. Just at the time when you need the support, your DH is centring his own needs rather than yours, the baby's or his other child. Is this normal for him or out of character? He could be very stressed about becoming a dad of two, the thought alone can be overwhelming for some. Alas he has an easy escape into work in a different city...no wonder he doesn't feel like facing the music, he won't really have to.

You need to have a calm conversation and really talk to each other. Apologise for your actions and resolve to not that again, you don't want your kids seeing it and life is about to get a whole lot more stressful. It's not ok to lash out at a partner ever but I do take your point about being a foot shorter and 9 months pregnant! Other posters suggesting that is on a par with the violence and fear that some experience is wholly unhelpful.

I would suggest you check in with how he is feeling - something is amiss here and it might be a weight off both your minds to have a good talk.

It’s amazing all these super calm MN ladies, never getting to the end of their tether, talking everything through 🙄 Knocking the drink out his hand does not make her an abuser! I wonder if in reality you would all so easily end your marriages.

Was this pregnancy planned? Did he want another child when he’s away so much? Any chance of you all moving and being a family? Is he depressed that he doesn’t see his child all the time and won’t with this next one?

So many question, what’s, ifs, and maybes.

I wonder if the OP is volatile because her H is an alcoholic - or if her H is drinking too much because OP is a controlling drama llama.
OP, could you perhaps talk to someone like your HCP, or a counsellor? You probably need some objective advice.

@EmptyOrchestra you're minimising there - she didn't "push" the drink out of his hand, she "smacked" it out and "swung for him" (OPs words, not mine).

And if she's not an abuser then what else do you call someone who hits their partner?

I don't deny she's at a fraught time and needs help. I don't approve of her husband's drinking at this late stage in her pregnancy.

But I can't believe how much people are prepared to sweep domestic violence under the carpet because the perpetrator was stressed and the victim was pushing their buttons.

That's the line used by every single domestic abuser in history - "they drove me to it".

OP needs help and the DH needs to leave. This relationship is toxic in every way.

She is not controlling - a word too freely used on mumsnet

Usually means any woman who dares assert herself.

I'm with Gindaddy.

Absolutely everything GinDaddy said with bells on. I can totally understand where OP is coming from and no way does she deserve some of the vitriol she's getting

@AloeVeraLynn

Sorry, no. No sympathy for you. You don't swing for people, you don't knock their drinks to the floor. Have you considered he was sitting there passive because you were intimidating?...You're a classic bully..if you were genuinely worried about being in labour you wouldn't have had the time to attack your partner would you.

You're seriously trying to explain away the passivity that comes from alcoholism, based on the fact the OP said she lost control?

People who are alcoholics often end up listless and disengaged with life. That's not the OP's fault.

Your labour comment is just awful...the OP is clearly vulnerable yet dealing with a partner that is dragging down her world. Never mind what she has the time to deal with, she's forced to confront and be in this world at the moment, so you confront it whether at your wits end or not.

It must be so easy to opine from on high on our sofas or desks, but OP sounds like she's living a very real nasty experience right now.

OP I echo others who have suggested that if you can leave the environment either temporarily or more fundamentally, it would eliminate the triggers that lead to your inexcusable losses of temper and control, and it may also force him to face a bit of reality as he's without you.

Good luck whatever you choose.

It’s amazing all these super calm MN ladies, never getting to the end of their tether, talking everything through

There is a world of difference between talking through issues and physically lashing out at your spouse. Of course me and my husband have disagreements, sometimes we even shout as I presume many other couples do. Nevertheless, honestly if either of us got to the stage of physical violence then yes I would consider ending my marriage.