Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

38 weeks pregnant, unsupportive DH

141 replies

BeckieMc · 16/09/2019 12:52

Last night after repeatedly asking dh to stop drinking as I could be in labour soon as was nauseous all day. He poured himself another drink and I lost it. Burst into tears saying he has been so unsupportive through the pregnancy and all I'm asking is for him to stay sober for 2 weeks (happy for him to have the odd couple just not drunk) and he can't do that for me. He said it's Sunday everyone's drinking I said not with a 9mnth pregnant wife they aren't. Smacked the drink out his hand and swung for him (not my finest moment)! He hid upstairs and he's trying to pretend nothing happened today (silent treatment from me).

I'm 38w pregnant with our second dd. He is an amazing father and was once upon a time a good husband. We have been together 11 years. He has worked away since dd1 was 2 months old, 3 days a week in London which has been testing for our marriage. He is living with friends and drinking more and more. He has a very stressful job amazing salary so the pressure is obviously getting to him.

Since we found out we were having another girl he lost all interest in the pregnancy I had to repeatedly ask for him to help with the baby's room I ended up doing a lot of lifting myself as was sick of asking for his help. 1 night in tears begging for him to help me with the room as was sick of asking. He moved a couple of boxes that's it. He's shown no interest at all.

I'm at my wits end he never asks about the baby, doesn't touch my belly or ask how I am. Thinking of asking dm to be birthing partner instead

OP posts:

vanillaicedtea · 16/09/2019 14:28

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

Really good advice you gave, couldn't have said it better myself. Thank god for some sensible users on this thread.

gnushoes · 16/09/2019 14:29

Good grief. You lot. This appears to be a one-off from a woman under considerable strain with a partner who's actively ignoring her. It's not great but it's not an escalating pattern of behaviour, is it? He's not going to be terrified for his life, or those of his children, or anxious of being around his partner. It may fit the definition of domestic violence but it's a million miles away from being the usual situation we think of where all the power is in the hands of the abuser. In this case, it's not.
Now, what about some help and support for the OP?

Sallyseagull · 16/09/2019 14:30

YABVU

Unless your DH is getting blind drunk I dont see the issue in him having a few drinks. If he genuinely is drinking too much constantly then that is a separate issue.

My DH didnt ask how I was constantly or ever touch my stomach, it's been no reflection on how he is as a father, it's just that he couldnt connect with our baby till he was born, friends' partners have been the same so it appears common.

Your behaviour, whether brought on my hormones or whatever, was completely unacceptable. I hope you've expressed how sorry you are and are putting steps in place to ensure you never do that again.

vanillaicedtea · 16/09/2019 14:30

@PurpleDaisies

You said you were upset. That involves some sort of tears/showing visible signs of being hurt by something that's happened, usually, to you.

You were neither of these things, simply using inflammatory language to drag attention to yourself than the people involved.

Cordial11 · 16/09/2019 14:30

OP, don’t let the negativity get to you. Someone one here once called my OH abusive and that he didn’t love me because he messed up a room i’d just cleaned !! Hang in there and do what’s right for you and the children . What you did wasn’t right but noone is perfect, only some pretend they are.

Sending some

PurpleDaisies · 16/09/2019 14:31

You said you were upset. That involves some sort of tears/showing visible signs of being hurt by something that's happened, usually, to you.

Not necessary. You can’t just make stuff up.

Original poster

BeckieMc · 16/09/2019 14:33

Yes he wanted another baby and was delighted when we found out. We are both in our 30s lived together for 8 years and always said once we had kids we would have them close together.

He was all excited up until the sex scan. Then he's been very negative about 'being that poor bastard only having daughters' and he's asked me if I would consider going abroad and paying for gender selection to have a boy after this child. So he's already considering baby number 3!

It's hard for people to get a full picture of anyone's relationship out of a short post and I am taking the advice with a pinch of salt

He's working from home today and he said o are you still upset about last night your just being hormonal it was only a few drinks ffs. I said it's constant tho your hungover or drunk all the time all I've asked is for you to be sober for 2 weeks. DH 'O you could be ages yet' me 'I'm gonna go stay with my mum for a while' DH 'your just being mad snap out of it' and gone back upstairs

OP posts:

fantasmasgoria1 · 16/09/2019 14:34

You were very upset at the time. I not condoning what you did but he is obviously getting his priorities wrong. You need to think whether you want this relationship or not.

GinDaddy · 16/09/2019 14:34

You said you were upset. That involves some sort of tears/showing visible signs of being hurt by something that's happened, usually, to you.

Oh this is just priceless, hold on. So people can only be upset if they

Cry
Show visible signs of hurt
Can only be upset about things that they directly experience

PurpleDaisies · 16/09/2019 14:34

You were neither of these things, simply using inflammatory language to drag attention to yourself than the people involved.

Nice to know you know me and everything that’s happened in my life.

This situation happened to me but my partner at the time hit a cup of tea out of my hand and tried to thump me. The op’s minimising of the situation is just like him.

vanillaicedtea · 16/09/2019 14:34

@PurpleDaisies

I genuinely don't understand why you'd make a thread about OP and her partner about how you feel, though? It's literally nothing to do with you. OP asked for advice, not for someone else to chime in and start talking about themselves and how they feel. It's boring.

PurpleDaisies · 16/09/2019 14:35

Who made you the boss of the thread vanilla?

saoirse31 · 16/09/2019 14:35

Some amt of double standards here. Clearly both op and her husband are in the wrong, but pretending the ops violence was excusable does her and her family no favours. OP, personally I'd say you need to figure out if you have or want a marriage to this man and plan
accordingly. I'd also say you should seek some help, counselling to ensure you're going to refrain from knocking things out of hands and swinging for people, when things get difficult, as I'd worry for your family when you're stressed out as you, and everyone else in the world, will be from time to time.

FindusCrispyPancakes · 16/09/2019 14:35

Oh you’ve got the thing I get every time I get to the end of pregnancy, to put it nicely I turn into a complete psycho at about 38 weeks. I accuse my husband of doing nothing or not doing the right thing and generally lose the plot. I understand the anger and the reactions as you probably think he’s totally in the wrong, when in reality he probably isn’t as bad as you are describing (maybe?).

Sounds like your husband is away grafting to provide and with it being a second child it isn’t quite as exciting. My husband appeared a bit meh the second time too, during pregnancy anyway. The drinking thing isn’t good, we had an agreement for the last 2 weeks that he didn’t drink, well not without permission. Christmas and new year was in that period the first time so we had a thing where he didn’t drink until about midnight so long as I didn’t feel anything happening. Maybe try to come to some sort of compromise like that rather than a blanket ban (assuming your husband doesn't suffer from alcoholism, in which case it obviously wouldn’t be ok).

Best thing you can do is try to relax. If you are falling out to such an extent have a plan b in place for getting to the hospital then you aren’t worrying.

PurpleDaisies · 16/09/2019 14:36

I genuinely don't understand why you'd make a thread about OP and her partner about how you feel, though?

It was one sentence. The thread was not about me until you went and brought it up.

MaxNormal · 16/09/2019 14:37

I see a lot of people so busy enjoying the warm cosy feeling of booting someone when they're down that they're incapable of any empathy.
I'm sorry OP, you sound at the absolute end of your tether.

GinDaddy · 16/09/2019 14:37

@BeckieMc

Could I ask please, would you like to salvage the relationship if you could?

Would you consider talking to someone if there was no cost involved, but you were both able to vent your issues together? I appreciate that's going to be very hard with a new DC on the way but had to ask?

Will he accept to you that he has an alcohol problem? As a former addict I know that denial is the thief of communication in this regard. Can he accept to you in person that he is causing you grief during a vulnerable time?

These are all huge asks, and as before I agree with you that the best option is to stay with your mum for a while to get some distance and security.

pumpkinpie01 · 16/09/2019 14:38

I can see why you are at the end of your tether, no emotional help, no physical help either you must feel like you are doing this all on your own and on top of that keeps getting drunk at a time when you need him.I'm not surprised you ran out of patience. I think you should go to your mums give yourself a break and have a chat with him in a few days.

vanillaicedtea · 16/09/2019 14:39

@PurpleDaisies

No one. I think it's simply important that if you want to partake in the discussion, it's relating to the OPs post and offers advice that is aimed to helping their relationship for the better, whether it's to break up or work at it. Not everything has to be about you. I'm sure plenty of posters are talking from personal experiences but they don't need to remind everyone.

I think both OP and her partner have things to work on. She needs to control her anger and apologise. Similarly, he needs to step up, stop drinking and look at how his job is making him as a partner/father.

SmileCheese · 16/09/2019 14:39

Seriously ask yourself this OP what are you getting out of this relationship and is this what you want your daughters to see as they grow up? It doesn't sound like either of you are happy, your arguing, he's drinking and it doesnt sound like you can have a conversation without it getting heated maybe it is time to pull the plug and move on.

PurpleDaisies · 16/09/2019 14:40

vanilla just back off. You are the only one making the thread all about themselves.

verticality · 16/09/2019 14:43

I think this sounds like a really toxic situation.

What you did was wrong - but I understand the pitch of frustration you are at. I don't think people have properly read your OP, where you clearly state that you're not asking your DH to stay sober, just not to be blind drunk. I should also note that responsibility cuts both ways. Adults are responsible for their actions: no-one can claim they are "driven" to drink by someone else.

You've clearly not been well supported during this pregnancy, emotionally and practically, and are feeling very alone, in a situation that is clearly deteriorating. He doesn't seem to care about his second child, and is drinking more and more. It's time to start to think what your position would be were you to leave. Do some research and get your ducks in line: you may be entitled to more than you think in benefits etc.

Having been in a situation where I've been frustrated to the point of tears by an exP who just wouldn't pull his weight, I can tell you that sometimes it's actually easier to be on your own than to be stuck with someone who flagrantly doesn't respect or listen to you.

LochJessMonster · 16/09/2019 14:43

You were very upset at the time
This appears to be a one-off
under considerable strain
noone is perfect

Apparently all perfectly valid reasons for going to hit your partner.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/09/2019 14:43

@LochJessMonster
Yeh op does sound scared. Her husband is abandoning her at her most vulnerable. She needs someone to be there to take her to hospital and support in hospital. Childbirth isn’t without risk to either baby or mother. I never said she’s scared of him ffs.

PurpleDaisies · 16/09/2019 14:43

vanilla go back be read my posts. My personal experiences were shared in direct response to what other posters had posted, and the first one where I mentioned the “upset” word was an explanation for why I’d accidentally reversed the situation I’d meant to write in my previous post.

I don’t know what your problem is.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.