38 weeks pregnant, unsupportive DH

[BeckieMc]

Last night after repeatedly asking dh to stop drinking as I could be in labour soon as was nauseous all day. He poured himself another drink and I lost it. Burst into tears saying he has been so unsupportive through the pregnancy and all I'm asking is for him to stay sober for 2 weeks (happy for him to have the odd couple just not drunk) and he can't do that for me. He said it's Sunday everyone's drinking I said not with a 9mnth pregnant wife they aren't. Smacked the drink out his hand and swung for him (not my finest moment)! He hid upstairs and he's trying to pretend nothing happened today (silent treatment from me).

I'm 38w pregnant with our second dd. He is an amazing father and was once upon a time a good husband. We have been together 11 years. He has worked away since dd1 was 2 months old, 3 days a week in London which has been testing for our marriage. He is living with friends and drinking more and more. He has a very stressful job amazing salary so the pressure is obviously getting to him.

Since we found out we were having another girl he lost all interest in the pregnancy I had to repeatedly ask for him to help with the baby's room I ended up doing a lot of lifting myself as was sick of asking for his help. 1 night in tears begging for him to help me with the room as was sick of asking. He moved a couple of boxes that's it. He's shown no interest at all.

I'm at my wits end he never asks about the baby, doesn't touch my belly or ask how I am. Thinking of asking dm to be birthing partner instead

Cross post lochjess. Do you know what it is like to live with and be let down by an alcoholic?

OP, post on the relationships board.

@LochJessMonster

You could argue that about anything. No one is saying OP is right to use violence.

People are looking at the extremity of OPs situation and the impact the violence and chaos has on her about to bring life into the world.

We will literally be unable to have any kind of discourse on here to help OP, if every time a reference is made to her actions or circumstances, it isn't slapped down with a "SHE WAS WRONG TO HIT HIM. END OF" kind of thing.

You wont be getting any bad words from me,regarding the chucking of drinks. As it was pure frustration on your part, and can well understand this. You would expect a partner to stay sober,when you are nearing the end of your pregnancy, and for any emergencies.

I think that some people on here,must have perfect lives, by the way they have been critical of you.

I know how it feels t.o be pushed to the end of your tether and to then lose it - it happened to me once and I'll never forget it, I was horrified at myself and spent the next 3 weeks almost in shock; I saw myself as a completely different person, a person who could hurt someone. In fact, I didn't hurt anyone but I recognised that if I had tried a bit harder, I would have, that I wanted to. I had never known I was capable of thinking or doing that, and now I was a pperson who could think it and at least make an attempt at it. Awful.

I also know that it does happen that an abuser will push their victim to a point where they do something and then the abuser can say "I'm not the abuser, you are, look what you did" and that it's really hard to see what the difference is between what the abuser does and what the victim did.

The difference is the sustained pattern of behaviour. Remember that, and keep an eye on yourself.

Your dh is useless and awful because he drinks. He may or may not be abusive to you but he is abusing alcohol. If he stops or curtails his use of alcohol then he may be fantastic again. He isn't now and the culprit is booze.

Why is he drinking? Try to find out. Ask him calmly and try to get good communication re-established in your marriage.

I can't even imagine how she must be feeling. Being heavily pregnant with no support and a partner who can't bare to put the beer down to help, or would rather ignore her than have a civilised conversation. And people have the audacity to rally against her because she did one thing, which she holds her hands up to, after essentially 9 months of no support, no help, doing childcare largely on her own due to his work, a stressed partner and a potential alcoholic on top of it.

I really hope for OP and her family that he realises how distraught she is and steps up. It would have never happened if he'd been there. There's a difference between being abusive towards someone for your own gain and losing your rag one time after it building for months.

OP, if you need a sympathetic ear you're more than welcome to message me. I'm not sure I'll be a lot of help, but I certainly won't be judging or projecting my issues onto you.

I'm dismayed at the vitriolic responses towards OP.
OP, just to say, I fully empathise, having gone through similar. Nothing justifies us losing our cool to the degree of nearly assaulting our OH, but you're heavily pregnant, dealing with a problematic drinker and probably feeling pretty fucking scared.
So, perhaps, stop judging the OP and offer support, whilst not condoning the violence.

for OP.

You are heavily pregnant with significant hormonal changes dealing with a selfish alcoholic and you've been pushed to your absolute limits. Ignore all the posters putting the boot in above.

I don't know what's happened to the demographic of MN recently but the number of cruel posters without the ability or desire to use any kind of compassionate nuanced thinking seems to have increased significantly.

You've been very open about your behaviour (following months of appalling treatment from your DH) and should be commended for that. The most important thing to do is decide what you want to do next for you and your DC. I would suggest learning from the reactions you've had here and consider how much you tell people in real life.

Your DM would be a far more reliable birth partner. If I were you I would get in touch with Al-Anon. Equally, I would tell DH he either gives up alcohol or moves out immediately. This is the moment where he decides whether he wants life as a functioning part of his family or heavy drinking on his own. He cannot have both.

Good luck OP!

@EmptyOrchestra

I currently live with a recovering addict and have been with him through his addiction and been pregnant. I’ve never ever hit him! There are no excuses! Imagine a man saying well she’s been pissing me off so I whacked her, just no!

What would the op have done if he’d fucking walloped her right back?

I can't imagine living with someone who needs to have more drinks after having ten already, while his pg wife begs him not to. He has checked out of your relationship and needs to get help with his alcohol dependency.

Some of you on here are like great white sharks that smell blood in the water. It must make you feel better telling this poor woman her husband should leave her. She was totally wrong to swing for her husband but she was at the end of her rope and has been mistreated terribly by him. TBH I'd have thrown him out on his pickled liver and changed the locks

Oh do stop with the "you're commuting domestic abuse" shit - the OP is not abusing her husband ffs she has been driven by him to beyond endurance. His lack of support, selfishness, deafness to her needs, engagement with the coming baby, and emotional withdrawal is what is the issue here.

Bloody hell. Sanctimonious bollocks.

Op, I’m sorry you are in this position. It is absolutely awful. He is putting alcohol above his family. I can’t believe people are saying OP is controlling. She is dealing with someone who is behaving very much like an alcoholic. oP, I would ask him to get help.

I wonder what the responses would
be/whether there would be a different tone if the OP was written in a way which didn't reveal which person was responsible for which behaviours (not a loaded comment; genuinely wondering) and who posters would consider to be 'more in the wrong'... which it shouldn't really be a case of who's behaviour is worse, but most posters do seem to have picked up on one or the other and gone strongly down one route.

Obviously the following makes my post totally pointless in a way, but having read the whole thread... as someone who spent 22 years of my life (including childhood) living with an emotionally abusive alcoholic and still suffering the ramifications now and know all too well the psychological impact on those involved; but also have really strong feelings on the under reporting and dismissive attitudes that still exist around female to male DV (please note, that's not me calling the OP a domestic abuser as a stranger such as myself couldn't possibly know the ins and outs of their individual situation), I actually find it too challenging to make an impartial comment on the situation. Only that it sounds very difficult for all involved and that the priority needs to be keeping the child/ren safe from that environment.

BuckingFrolics but she did commit domestic violence? And she, and many others on this thread, don't seem to realise that. Because it was a one off? Because he 'deserved' it? Because she a woman/hes a man?

Its worrying.

TBH I'd have thrown him out on his pickled liver and changed the locks But would you have hit him? Yes, he deserves to be left/thrown out the house. But that isn't what the op did.

@LochJessMonster

...but she did commit domestic violence? And she, and many others on this thread, don't seem to realise that. Because it was a one off? Because he 'deserved' it? Because she a woman/hes a man?

People are not having trouble "realising" this!!

It sounds like to you, "realisation" means "I will tell OP she is bang out of order and completely wrong, to the exclusion of any other comments, support, or advice to OP".

I realise she has committed domestic violence.

Do I also realise that OP is a vulnerable woman, under extreme duress, who needs help and advice with an alcoholic partner?

And that the above is not an excuse for her violent outburst, but something she needs advice on for herself?

Of course I do.

With your view, you're basically saying that because OP admitted to hitting her partner, all her other issues should be disregarded and not treated separately. Because if we address his alchoholism or anything else on this thread, we are somehow endorsing OP's violence

Please stop this. People get that OP was wrong in that instance. We don't need it chanted on here repeatedly. Stop kicking OP.

@BeckieMc You're in a very vulnerable situation. Big hug from me If you can, ask your mom to be your birth partner and make sure you and your DC are OK. Deal with your husband later. He's not supportive at a very important moment, so you gave to find that support now elsewhere. Everything else can wait!

Thanks everyone for your comments. I'm going to hide this post now as it probably isn't helping and I will speak to friends who know us both rather than strangers online

It’s domestic abuse him drinking all the time and behaving as he has. You lost your shit, you’re tired and hormonal. Don’t let the vipers make you feel worse about the interaction.

@GinDaddy that's my issue, she hasn't acknowledged it in any posts. Shes said it wasn't her 'finest moment' and then tried to justify it by putting their weight/height difference.

There is no talk of an apology, barely any hint of regret and no discussion of how she is going to avoid repeating it in the future.

And people agreeing with all her reasons is justifying it more to her.

Another voice of support for you OP.

@LochJessMonster

Read what the OP just posted. She is now going to hide this post because of the berating from folk like yourself.

Are you happy now? All because the OP never said she'll say sorry to her partner?

This reminds me of the lady who posted about domestic violence, and was hounded out of AIBU due to people thinking she was making it up (?!!!)

So many people on here love a kicking. Well you got what you wanted.

This place makes me downright sick sometimes. I'm out of this thread.

Well I didn't go to hit anyone so I'm quite happy.

If she had acknowledged her violent outburst instead of playing it down, the responses may have been different. She got plenty of supportive comments here and perhaps some home truths she didn't want to know.

I'm sure she will play down the incident when she tells her friends and will get lots of support.
That relationship is not the place for a baby to be brought up in (failings on both sides)

This place makes me downright sick sometimes Making excuses for domestic violence makes me downright sick.

All the posters saying a man who tried to knock a drink from his wife would be getting both barrels and it works bother ways, are trying too hard to be PC.

In most cases and definitely this one, a man could hurt a woman if he wanted to a lot more than a woman could hurt a man.

When I walk through the woods alone I am on my guard a lot more when I see a man approaching than when I see a woman. It's the way it is and all of you attacking the OP need to have a word.

It isn't brilliant what she did but how he has been isn't either. It reads like he wanted a son and is pissed off and blaming the OP for the fact she is having a second daughter. Time for some biology lessons for the idiot.