38 weeks pregnant, unsupportive DH

[BeckieMc]

Last night after repeatedly asking dh to stop drinking as I could be in labour soon as was nauseous all day. He poured himself another drink and I lost it. Burst into tears saying he has been so unsupportive through the pregnancy and all I'm asking is for him to stay sober for 2 weeks (happy for him to have the odd couple just not drunk) and he can't do that for me. He said it's Sunday everyone's drinking I said not with a 9mnth pregnant wife they aren't. Smacked the drink out his hand and swung for him (not my finest moment)! He hid upstairs and he's trying to pretend nothing happened today (silent treatment from me).

I'm 38w pregnant with our second dd. He is an amazing father and was once upon a time a good husband. We have been together 11 years. He has worked away since dd1 was 2 months old, 3 days a week in London which has been testing for our marriage. He is living with friends and drinking more and more. He has a very stressful job amazing salary so the pressure is obviously getting to him.

Since we found out we were having another girl he lost all interest in the pregnancy I had to repeatedly ask for him to help with the baby's room I ended up doing a lot of lifting myself as was sick of asking for his help. 1 night in tears begging for him to help me with the room as was sick of asking. He moved a couple of boxes that's it. He's shown no interest at all.

I'm at my wits end he never asks about the baby, doesn't touch my belly or ask how I am. Thinking of asking dm to be birthing partner instead

Wow. You used violence on him but expect support? A man would have been torn to shreds.

Calling OP a domestic abuser?! Jeez this place is ridiculous sometimes. Yes it works both ways but let’s be real for a second - men have way more strength and force than women which gives them the ability to hurt us and also defend themselves quite effectively against us. There are exceptions and I’m not saying that female on Male domestic abuse is not serious but you’re all jumping on OP with zero empathy at all.

OP, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, I think your DH has some issues with alcohol that he needs to face. It’s not normal for a man with a wife that could go into labour any day to risk being unable to support her.

Is there any other family you can speak to?

@GinDaddy so we can just assault alcoholics then? Okay cool. I'm pregnant too, I'll let my partner know I'm allowed to assault and intimidate him.

What a joke that she isn't an abuser just because she didn't actually make contact with him. The double standards are appalling.
And the OP is not admitting she is wrong, she is making excuses for her behaviour.

Also, for those saying what would she do if she went into labour and he was too drunk to drive her to the hospital? - She might have to think of another option because if he has any sense he would be out that door and away from the OP.

It's not ok to lash out at a partner ever but I do take your point about being a foot shorter and 9 months pregnant! Other posters suggesting that is on a par with the violence and fear that some experience is wholly unhelpful.
Is there a height/weight ratio limit then for domestic violence?
She was violent and physically went to hit him. Her husband hid upstairs. I think violence and fear occurred.

@timshelthechoice a man is physically able to hurt a woman much more easily than the other way round. Have you ever been shoved by a man? I have and I went flying. Have you ever been blocked in a doorway by a man? I have and no amount of trying to shift him or get round him did anything. We are not physically the same as men. I do not condone violence against anyone, but you’re being obtuse.

@TheQuaffle Calling OP a domestic abuser?!

Women’s Aid defines domestic abuse as an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour, including sexual violence, in the majority of cases by a partner or ex-partner.
That is exactly what happened.

First things first. You need to get through the next few weeks.
You need to organise someone reliable to be there to assist you with the birth and getting to hospital. And you need someone to look after your other child. All at short notice.
Maybe you could move in with DM or she could move in with you until the Birth?
Your OH is an alcoholic. You cannot rely on him. I think you need real life help and should phone the AA organisation for families of alcoholics.. so that you've got someone to talk to that understands what you are going through and can help you make some plans for how to go forward. From the amount you said he is drinking/away from home, its unlikely you will find a good time to talk to him in the next two weeks about this. If you do, I wouldn't do it without someone else present and certainly not whilst your DC is around, given how tense the situation is.
Its very sad for you that this has come to a head just as you are about to give birth but it sounds like you do have real life support of your DM. I think in the short term, next two weeks, you should focus on sorting out practical arrangements based on what is best for you, your health and well being, your current DC and the new baby. You can work the rest out later. Wishing you all the very best xx

@TheQuaffle so because the OP couldn't cause as much damage, it doesn't matter? You are a disgrace.

@timshelthechoice

So you're basically arguing that OP has no right to ANY support from anywhere, because she crossed a line and used violence.

My word.

It's like people are just written off the minute they cross an invisible line of absolute morality.

As I said, I really think so many Mumsnet posts are sanitized because people craft them to get advantageous responses in agreement, knowing that anything more open would get torn to shreds.

OP has been open enough to show the real dynamics of what goes on, again kudos for you for being so open as it (should in theory) help people give more constructive advice around leaving the environment and safeguarding yourself and baby from the chaos of addiction.

Hi BeckieMc, I wanted to reach out as if you're still reading as I think the above is overly harsh.

You sound like you're at your wits end and feel very unsupported by your husband who doesn't show any interest in your pregnancy (maybe because he wanted a boy).

To pp who said does he want another kid, well it doesn't matter, he played his part in the conception, and doesn't get to opt out because he didn't get the sex of child he wanted.

You know you shouldn't have tried to hit him, and you do need to apologise to him for doing that and make sure that doesn't happen again.

But I agree with you that he either is now 100 percent committed to being there for you for the birth, which includes not drinking, or you need to ask your mum to take his place and make the necessary arrangements (esp with your first dc who isn't safe with him if he is drunk).

At a moment when he's not drinking or stressed, I think you need to talk to him about how unsupported you're feeling and how you're going to work together better once the baby is born.

My main thought is that it's clear you cannot rely on him to either get you to the hospital safely, or be a good support person for you. Also, I question whether he could be safely relied upon to look after your older child while you are in hospital.

Do you have any alternative support people you could line up?

I think getting you and the baby safely through this time has to be the main focus, and he clearly isn't either willing, or possibly able, to help you there.

Then you can both deal with where you go to from here. Oh, and I would be apologising for taking a swing at him. What's done is done and can't be undone, but you need to acknowledge your actions and behaviours.

OP, I am so sorry for what is happening with you. And I would also be frustrated. Some of these responses are ridiculous. No wonder you feel insanely trapped. You are creating new life that both of you willed into this world in your body. He has cruelly lost interest in the child because the child is the type of human being that you are--a female. He is not amazing. Here is my advice to you. Step back, breathe, and start taking care of yourself. Do ask your mother to be your labor partner. As far as the baby's room goes, don't ask your husband. Hire someone or ask a friend or just forget it. Babies can sleep in cardboard boxes. And for any problems that cause you stress now or in the future, solve them with money. Get baby-sitting, get take-aways, get massages, whatever you need. And also put away some money for a divorce. But right now, keep yourself serene without him. Because you deserve to feel like the Goddess of Fertility right now.

@AloeVeraLynn

@GinDaddy so we can just assault alcoholics then? Okay cool. I'm pregnant too, I'll let my partner know I'm allowed to assault and intimidate him.

No clearly that's not what I'm saying.

I'm suggesting an over emphasis on slamming OP for this, isn't actually helping her dilemna one bit.

Calling her a "bully" who isn't concentrating on her labour, is vindictive in my view. It doesn't help her see a route to overcoming such behaviour. But if it makes you feel better.....

You sound as if you’re scared, at your wits end and unable to get through to your alcoholic husband. Do you know who will look after your dd when you’re having the baby? I’m assuming it would have been your dm. But if she’s your birthing partner, you can’t expect your husband to do this as he can’t control his drinking.

As for apologies, I imagine op is first in the queue for receiving one from a man, who has proven himself to be unreliable and incapable. Much as two wrongs don’t make a right, you are and your dd the vulnerable ones in this situation.

You sound as if you’re scared what a joke

@LochJessMonster if you actually read what I wrote I didn’t say it didn’t matter.
What I’m saying is that OP doesn’t deserve all this hate.

Knocking the drink out his hand does not make her an abuser! I wonder if in reality you would all so easily end your marriages.

She didn’t just “knock” the drink out of his hand. She also swung for him which you’ve conveniently left out. I ended my relationship when something similar happened to me.

@GinDaddy doesn't make me feel any type of way so don't worry about it. Being a domestic abuse apologist seems to float your boat though so...

@hammeringinmyhead taxis can and will take a labouring woman.

Uber had a huge case where one of their drivers (albeit in the states) wouldn't take a woman in labour and it was called out as pregnancy discrimination.

I know lots of women who have taken taxis.

And as for why should she? Because her partner isn't in a fit state to drive, and it may be her last resort unless she wants to do it on the living room floor.

@AloeVeraLynn

I'm not going to keep arguing you but don't ever accuse me of being a domestic abuse apologist when I grew up seeing it, and alcoholism too.

I will never apologise for someone who hurts another in this way.

What I will do is try and offer constructive advice to someone who is honest enough to throw up their hands and say "this wasn't right".

Would you rather OP goes around doing the same thing, but as long as no one shows "any sympathy" and she is castigated at every turn, then she can continue to experience chaos in her life and cause chaos to others?

But that's ok because we've been moral absolutists and we get a good feeling about kicking someone for being wrong?

In short, I would rather try and advise someone how to end chaos, then just tell them off for having being chaotic in one instance.

Don't be ridiculous. You know I meant why should she have to, in reply to the suggestion she should just call an ambulance (great use of resources there so her H can have his 10 pints) or a taxi. I was categorically told that no taxi firm in my area would take a labouring woman due to insurance issues.

@PurpleDaisies

Oh come off it. It hasn't made you upset. I highly doubt you're in tears over a thread online . Quit being melodramatic.

OP, I think you need to reevaluate the relationship. You've accepted you shouldn't have done it, and everyone makes mistakes. He needs to step up and be involved. I think if this continues I'd probably be thinking about whether this is going to work long term.

He also needs to stop drinking. 2 weeks is nothing and if it's that big of a deal, then he has a problem. Either a drinking one or purposely being too drunk to be at the birth/look after you.

Oh come off it. It hasn't made you upset. I highly doubt you're in tears over a thread online

Where on earth did I say I was in tears?

@Couchbettato You said this, like it's no big deal.

I sympathise that he was drinking and you feel stressed, I really do. But aren't you able to call an ambulance or get another family member to take you, or even get a taxi.