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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be allowed a +1?

152 replies

Whenyourehome · 15/09/2019 18:27

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not. My friend is getting married abroad and I'm a bridesmaid. I know one other person going, another bridesmaid, who is invited along with her husband and two children. I have not been given a plus one.

AIBU to think I should have been, considering that it's abroad and the bride will obviously be busy and my other friend will often be busy with her children? I don't have a partner if that changes things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenyourehome · 17/09/2019 10:25

I've been to about 20 or so weddings in the last 4 years. None have included peoplr giving unspecified/open plus 1s. Which is fine. I've been to lots of weddings without a +1 too. It's because this one is in a different continent.

OP are you honestly going to pay a friend's return flights and hotel costs to JAPAN just so you don't have be 'alone' at a good friend's wedding? confused just so you can make a point and martyr yourself?! My friend can't afford it. I can. I don't think you understand what martyr means.

Being single is nothing to be ashamed of and attending social engagements alone from time to time is a very normal thing to do, I think you have issues and you are projecting these on the bride. I've been single for years, it doesn't bother me. I go and socialise alone several times a week. This is basically going on holiday alone.

It's clear from your latest update you have a massive chip on your shoulder about the whole wedding - can you really not just stop being a sour puss for the sake of your friends wedding or is it that you're looking forward to spending the next 10 months wistfully saying "oh I'd love to but I'm afraid I'm awfully poor atm because I had to pay to fly a friend out to a wedding because I wasn't given a plus one by the bride"? I'm not poor, at all. It's not 10 months away. And if she was a plus one, I'd still be paying for her. This doesn't make sense.

OP posts:
maslinpan · 17/09/2019 10:52

Is the substantial carbon footprint really worth all this drama? At every single wedding I have been to, the bride and groom are fully preoccupied all the time, and since she is the only person you know and are interested in, then you have to ask yourself if the effort, expense and worry is worth it? As everyone has said, Japanese weddings are very different from what we do, and you don't even know if you will get any quality time with the bride getting her ready on the day, there may well be other people around who won't speak any English and it might all be a lot less relaxed for you.

DexyMidnight · 17/09/2019 10:54

You've misunderstood, I was asking if you were looking forward to being able to spend the next 10 months complaining that you're skint because of having had to fly your friend out to Japan for this wedding. You know, because you are so hard done by.

If you had been given a +1, why on earth would you be paying for their flights and accommodation, wouldn't they decide whether to accept the invite (based in part on costings) and pay for themself?

Original poster
Whenyourehome · 17/09/2019 11:08

You've misunderstood, I was asking if you were looking forward to being able to spend the next 10 months complaining that you're skint because of having had to fly your friend out to Japan for this wedding. You know, because you are so hard done by. I'm not skint. I won't be skint.

If you had been given a +1, why on earth would you be paying for their flights and accommodation, wouldn't they decide whether to accept the invite (based in part on costings) and pay for themself? No, because she couldn't afford to. I could.

Is the substantial carbon footprint really worth all this drama? I offset it by not having kids.

OP posts:
DexyMidnight · 17/09/2019 11:11

Oh OP there's no reasoning with you, you obviously want to be left to lick your wounds at your one woman misery party.

Please consider whether your pity parade should travel to Japan - you risk embrassing the bride in front of her Japanese family with your attitude

Original poster
Whenyourehome · 17/09/2019 11:14

DexyMidnight are you having a bad day? Grin Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:
ConcreteUnderpants · 17/09/2019 13:06

YABU.
It's not your fucking wedding. You'll be alone for a few hours over a few days. Are you really that precious/dislike your own company that much?

Ginfordinner · 17/09/2019 13:11

Are you always this rude Concrete? Hmm

northerngirl2012 · 17/09/2019 13:16

I’d take a friend for the trip, they don’t need to go to the wedding parts but can be a travel companion?

ConcreteUnderpants · 17/09/2019 13:25

Nope. I'd just get on with it, be glad I'm involved and do all I could to make sure the bride has a fabulous day, rather than create this forlorn pity party of singledom.
Totally agree with DexyMidnight in that the OP has a chip and cannot be reasoned with.
As echoed many times on this thread, I hope she cheers up.

36degrees · 17/09/2019 13:29

Have you actually spoken to the bride about this? Only asking because my bridesmaid had a bit of a go at me after my wedding day (and was moaning to mutual friends in the run up, I later found out) for not being "allowed" a plus one as she hadn't realised or noticed me addressing the invitation (which she subsequently lost) to Her Name and Guest meant that she could bring someone with her if she wanted. I was really embarrassed when I realised she'd been upset about it for months because it could have been sorted out so quickly if she'd only mentioned it to me, we actually had spare places we were trying to fill at the end to meet the minimum specified by the venue so we could have accommodated an extra person even at short notice.
It would be a shame to stew on this if it could be sorted out with a quick call. And definitely call/facetime rather than email/text for this.

burnoutbabe · 17/09/2019 14:14

Many petiole would be nervous houng to Japan on their own. Paying £800 or do for flights for someone else in order to turn it from a scary event (so only go for 3 days and see nothing) to a nice holiday in a few locations (Tokyo, Kyoto, where ever the wedding is) seems a great idea.

If I wasn't going to also do sightseeing in Japan, no way would I attend, it's just too much cost for a wedding.

If the grooms side is 200 and brides just a few uk guests, adding 1 more to the day probably makes no odds, the bride is unlikely to have met all the grooms family.

Just tell bride you are travelling with a friend and ask for suggestions on what to visit. If she says "you are actually my slave for 3 days around the wedding", then at least you know the expectation! But surely she'd want you to make the most of your visit. Else it's very likely you will decline and not attend.

Original poster
Whenyourehome · 17/09/2019 14:29

I don't mind being single at all, concrete. Mostly quite like it. I'm not bothered that I'm not in a relationship with a man, I'm bothered that I'm going on holiday alone. I like to have a few drinks late into the night and a laugh when I go on holiday, not spend the time third wheeling in another couple's hotel room or hanging like a limpet around the bride who'll have plenty of other visitors to see.

I’d take a friend for the trip, they don’t need to go to the wedding parts but can be a travel companion? I think this is what I'll do.

Thanks, burnout.

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 17/09/2019 14:57

It's not your fucking wedding. You'll be alone for a few hours over a few days. Are you really that precious/dislike your own company that much?

How's the op going to be alone for only a few hours over a few days? Is the bride going to spend the days and nights pre and post wedding with the op?

Presumably the op will only be with people on the day of the wedding? Travelling there and back and the days and nights before and after the wedding she'll be on her own.

Yanbu op. I think it's pretty mean of the bride to not consider you.

GrubbyMummy · 17/09/2019 15:09

I got married abroad. We didn't actually consider giving single friends +1s, in getting married abroad we purposefully wanted a small ceremony and didn't want people who we weren't very close to. It was slightly different as most of our friends knew eachother, and they all speak the same language

Original poster
Whenyourehome · 17/09/2019 15:11

Presumably the op will only be with people on the day of the wedding? Travelling there and back and the days and nights before and after the wedding she'll be on her own.

Yes, exactly this. I do know another bridesmaid but she will be there with her husband and kids so will have her hands full, and will obviously want to use the holiday to spend some nights spending time with her husband without me third wheeling all of the time.

OP posts:
GrubbyMummy · 17/09/2019 15:11

It's pretty different actually if you will not know anyone at all. Maybe it just hasn't occurred to her?

Original poster
Whenyourehome · 17/09/2019 15:13

I got married abroad. We didn't actually consider giving single friends +1s, in getting married abroad we purposefully wanted a small ceremony and didn't want people who we weren't very close to.

I totally get that when all of the guests are travelling, but this is a large ceremony (on the groom's side). The bridge & groom live where they're getting married.

OP posts:
OttilieKnackered · 17/09/2019 20:35

No idea why you’re getting such a hard time. Totally agree that people with partners get prioritised. Even when the couple don’t know one half of them.

There’s no way I would travel to Japan alone for three days so your idea is great.

You don’t sound self-pitying at all, you just sound like you’re trying to ensure you enjoy yourself which is very sensible given you’re spending so much.

You’re very kind to be going at all so why not make it work for you?

Original poster
Whenyourehome · 18/09/2019 12:47

Thanks, Ottilie. It has been a bit bemusing. I expected people to disagree with me, but some have taken it really to heart.

OP posts:
MrsPeacockDidIt · 18/09/2019 12:52

I went as my friends plus 1 to a wedding she was bridesmaid at and it was not a great experience for me as she was busy all day with bridesmaids duties and the only other person I knew was the bride and she was a little busy too. I made the most of it but I wouldn't do it again. Have you considered how much fun it would be for your friend ?

AgeLikeWine · 18/09/2019 12:57

YABU because you’re single. That’s probably why you haven’t been given a +1. If you had a partner, that might be different but it’s up to the couple who they invite to their own wedding.

Original poster
Whenyourehome · 18/09/2019 18:35

YABU because you’re single. That’s probably why you haven’t been given a +1.

I don't disagree, I think you're entirely right. It does make me wonder why people who are in a relationship are allowed to bring someone who the bride & groom may not have met, but single guests aren't. It's a strange double standard.

And before anyone starts getting angry, obviously don't mean weddings where the bride & groom decide to only give +1s to couples where they know both, but weddings where +1s are extended to people in a relationship where they don't know the partner, but not to single people.

OP posts:
DexyMidnight · 19/09/2019 09:56

Maybe because couples tend to want to spend their annual leave together and if they invite e.g. the husband but not the wife you're in effect saying 'I know you only get 25 days annual leave but can you please ditch your wife and spend 4 of them on me/us'? I don't spend all my AL with my husband or vice versa but that's our choice to spend time with our families and friends and not because a solo invite somewhere has split us up.

Whereas if you're single you're not leaving anyone behind.

Probably that OP?

Takebackfrown · 20/09/2019 10:57

Maybe, but it happens for invitations to things which don't require annual leave too.