To think I should be allowed a +1?

[Whenyourehome]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not. My friend is getting married abroad and I'm a bridesmaid. I know one other person going, another bridesmaid, who is invited along with her husband and two children. I have not been given a plus one.

AIBU to think I should have been, considering that it's abroad and the bride will obviously be busy and my other friend will often be busy with her children? I don't have a partner if that changes things.

Are bridesmaids only actually 'on duty' during the service these days? What other duties are there?

I suppose from the couple’s perspective as it’s abroad it’ll be a like a group/family holiday and they wouldn’t be as comfortable including someone they don’t know. Sorry, it's abroad because she lives there. Should've included that in the OP. It's several hours of expensive travel too so maybe that's clouding my view.

You can decline if you don't want to go on your own, but asking for a plus one would be CF territory.

“don't have a partner if that changes things”

Well yes, it does.

Are you expecting your friend to invite one of your mates? Or indeed a friend to buy a flight to hold your hand?

Weddings are friendly, social affairs. Muck in and get to know people. Help. Volunteer for fun jobs. The friend with child won’t be doing childcare non stop to the extent that she can’t have a laugh with you.

You can decline if you don't want to go on your own, but asking for a plus one would be CF territory. Oh no, I absolutely never would have asked.

Are you expecting your friend to invite one of your mates? Or indeed a friend to buy a flight to hold your hand? I was hoping for a +1. They are quite common. I would have paid for my friend.

Weddings are friendly, social affairs. Muck in and get to know people. Help. Volunteer for fun jobs. The friend with child won’t be doing childcare non stop to the extent that she can’t have a laugh with you. It's not the wedding itself as much as the days surrounding it. That said, what fun jobs are there to volunteer for at a wedding? I'm sure there will be many nice people there, but the majority won't speak English and I don't speak Japanese.

You don’t have a partner. Whoever is your plus 1 would need a table to sit at.

My sister once brought her housemate to a wedding as a plus 1. He behaved appallingly.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to “expect” anything, but I’m surprised that someone whom your close enough to be the bridesmaid for hasn’t thought about your predicament.

Are they putting you up? How long do you have to be there?

I’m also surprised if your both that close there cannot be an honest conversation. Seems weird you say your plus one is also known to the bride that possibly means she doesnt want that person there.

If it’s about space she’s invited a lot of people from abroad only 60% at most will come ( most not letting down until nearer the time) so she may have space after all

What other duties are there?

Helping her get ready in the morning as well as getting ready yourself with the bridal party, hair and makeup. You may also be seated at the top table so even if you had a plus one you might not be sitting with them during the meal. Also usually you don't just walk down the aisle and then go sit in the congregation where you like, bridesmaids are often seated at the front (or worse standing at the front!). You might also be asked to help decorate the venue the night before or hang out with the bride the evening before.

My sister once brought her housemate to a wedding as a plus 1. He behaved appallingly. I've been a +1 many times, and have taken a +1 many times, and no one has behaved appallingly.

There's no 'should' about it - it's not your wedding. If you feel you don't want to attend without a +1, then decline the bridesmaid position.

Are they putting you up? How long do you have to be there? Nope, I am staying in a hotel. I only have to be there for the day really but it's an 18 hour flight so I was thinking of going for 3 full days. To be fair to her, given her way she'd have just eloped.

Unless you're married it's cheeky to expect a +1 for a "friend"

There's no 'should' about it - it's not your wedding. If you feel you don't want to attend without a +1, then decline the bridesmaid position. I absolutely am going to attend without a plus one. It just would've been nice to have someone to share the 'holiday' with.

I actually think it should have been considered for you.
Male partners are not magically more important than someone's friend.

Thank you!

I see your point, I don’t think I’d want to travel abroad to attend a wedding where I knew 1 other person who would be busy with their own husband and kids. However, I also completely get why they wouldn’t want (to pay for) a random friend of a friend to attend their wedding. So YANBU to WANT a plus 1, YABU to expect it.

Yes, but "it would have been nice" is different from "I should have..." I agree with the first, yes, that would be nice for you. But there is no responsibility on the bride to offer it, imo.

I don't go to many weddings but DD who is an adult gets her share. The rule of thumb seems to be , if you are married or in a long term relationship you get a +1, if not it is a single invite .Not many want a random friend of some of their guests especially when numbers are usually at at premium .
How about having a friend book a holiday for the same place and let them be elsewhere during the wedding .
Have a good time .

I don't go to many weddings but DD who is an adult gets her share. The rule of thumb seems to be , if you are married or in a long term relationship you get a +1, if not it is a single invite .Not many want a random friend of some of their guests especially when numbers are usually at at premium .

I completely understand this at UK weddings, but when you're asking someone to travel so far for your wedding I thought it was a bit different.

I think I'm just depressed that I'll be surrounded by happy couples who are enjoying their holiday and I'll be alone/third wheel.

I'm depressed that you have to be boinking someone to get them a plus one!

It depresses me too. Perhaps I'll ask my friend if she fancies a fling.

YANBU
I'd definitely make sure that my bridesmaids all have a +1, doesn't matter if they're single or not. I mean how dense do you have to be to not consider that for someone close to you.
When my friend got married abroad, she gave me a +1 even though I was single at the time, and told me that I could bring whoever I wanted. I wasn't even a bridesmaid! I didn't do that, but appreciated it a lot.

Other BM duties

Helping bride go to the toilet in her dress.
Checking brides hair and makeup stays nice for the day.
Getting the bride drink (usually water to stay hydrated).
Help with any flower or page people.
Eat lots of cake.
Collect up any gifts/cards that get left about.
Eat cake.
Carry the brides things if she doesn't have a bag.
Make sure she doesn't loose her flowers.
Check for children hiding under the dress.
Dance lots.
Help sort out any problems that may occur so bride doesn't have a breakdown.

Cant think of anything else at the moment....

I think given the fact you are a core member of the bridal party, travelling a long way at your own expense, and knowing that the other bridesmaid has a partner and children who are invited, then your friend should have considered offering you a plus one to make you feel more comfortable.

If you knew other people (or even if it was in the UK where you shared a common language), then that would be different.

Also, if it’s a large number on the grooms side, one more for dinner shouldn’t be a huge stretch (where as it would if it were a small intimate wedding).

Getting the bride drink (usually water to stay hydrated).
Carry the brides things if she doesn't have a bag.

She's getting married, not losing the use of her arms and legs!

If you knew other people (or even if it was in the UK where you shared a common language), then that would be different.

Yes, it absolutely wouldn't bother me at all in either of those scenarios. I've been to lots of weddings alone, including once as a bridesmaid, but I've always known other people or been able to socialise with others.