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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be allowed a +1?

152 replies

Whenyourehome · 15/09/2019 18:27

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not. My friend is getting married abroad and I'm a bridesmaid. I know one other person going, another bridesmaid, who is invited along with her husband and two children. I have not been given a plus one.

AIBU to think I should have been, considering that it's abroad and the bride will obviously be busy and my other friend will often be busy with her children? I don't have a partner if that changes things.

OP posts:
littlemeitslyn · 15/09/2019 21:10

Livefor 😄🤣

Roundtoedshoes · 15/09/2019 21:12

Try not to take it too personally. You are obviously good friends with the bride, maybe speak with her - she may have just not thought as it is traditionally only partners that are plus 1’s.

We also don’t know OP’s situation - she may be happily single, but equally she may like to be with someone, so this could sting a bit if she’s not single by choice.

In this situation it might be nice for her to be able to bring a friend.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/09/2019 21:12

to sit alone for a large amount of the time I'm there
Presumably on the morning you'll be with the bride getting ready, then you'll walk down the aisle and then meal etc where you'll be presumably sat with other people for the rest of the wedding? If her side is very small I expect you'll naturally fall into a little group anyway. Do you get in with the other single person?

However I don't think yabu to want a 1+, and in your friends position I'd have offered you one assuming the meal etc isn't £100's a head

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 15/09/2019 21:15

Have you spoken to your friend.?

I only ask is that I had a wedding abroad. I didnt want to put any pressure on anyone to come so just said to my friends come along if you fancy a holiday. One friend asked if she could come with her sister. I said of course. The costs for us were cheap and it would have made her trip a lot nicer for her so I had no issue with it at all, its just I hadn't thought about it

She can only say no

Original poster
Whenyourehome · 15/09/2019 21:18

Their relationship with the you, their importance in your life and therefore the level of attention/consideration your friends and /or family need to give them. I would say a random man you're sleeping with and a man they know who you're not sleeping with should get the same level of invitation. None.

I meant random to them, obviously, not me. And this contradicts itself - it claims that friends should give attention/consideration to the important people in a person's life, but then claims a single person should get no +1. So in reality it's saying that serious romantic partners only should be invited because they're the only people considered by society to be important.

For a +1 invitation as part of a small party, i would say it's only appropriate for a long term partner. It's not a small party.

OP posts:
7salmonswimming · 15/09/2019 21:25

If you’re a bridesmaid I’m guessing you know the bride well. Can’t you have a conversation with her? Very easy to not frame it as a request.

I think you’re going above the call of friendly duty to go to Japan for 3 days to be a bridesmaid. If I were the bride I’d be bending over backwards to make it a good and enjoyable trip for you (if only to let myself feel less guilty!) and if you told me “yeah, I’m coming with Jane so we can sight see a bit” it wouldn’t take me 2 seconds to reply “oh! She must come to the wedding then!”. Maybe there was no +1 on the invitation because she doesn’t know you want to bring someone?

1stmonkey · 15/09/2019 21:27

So in reality it's saying that serious romantic partners only should be invited because they're the only people considered by society to be important

Hadn't realised i was speaking for all of society but yes, in a wedding situation where numbers are limited and its a personal day where bride and groom have to pay for attendees.

It's not a small party.
You already said that the brides guests (of whom you are a part) was a much smaller size than the grooms. So it is a smaller party.

Original poster
Whenyourehome · 15/09/2019 21:32

If you’re a bridesmaid I’m guessing you know the bride well. Can’t you have a conversation with her? Very easy to not frame it as a request.

I did mention that I was worried I'd be sitting alone once other friend went off to see to her kids, and she responded that the groom had a lot of friends who were excellent company, and I thought 'oh that's great, I'll be fine then', and she followed it with 'but they don't speak English'.

You already said that the brides guests (of whom you are a part) was a much smaller size than the grooms. So it is a smaller party.

Yes, there aren't many people travelling from the UK to Japan, but the wedding itself has 250 guests. Not through any want of hers, she would have been happier with a dozen.

OP posts:
BellyButton85 · 15/09/2019 21:33

YABVU - no +1's at my expense! You say you'd pay her trip but weddings cost enough as it is for the bride and groom for even just an evening do nevermind a sit down meal and every single person is paid for, so no I wouldnt allow you to bring a random person to my day and then have to fork out for them

Original poster
Whenyourehome · 15/09/2019 21:41

Presumably it is not an enormous wedding, and at weddings abroad you tend to spend more time with people as you are going over for a longer period

It isn’t a destination wedding where we’re all travelling over, the bride and groom live there.

Presumably on the morning you'll be with the bride getting ready, then you'll walk down the aisle and then meal etc where you'll be presumably sat with other people for the rest of the wedding? If her side is very small I expect you'll naturally fall into a little group anyway. Do you get in with the other single person?

It’s not so much the day itself, it’s the rest of the time I’m there. I’ve never met the other person but I’m sure we will get on. She’s pregnant and due any day now so she’ll have her own baby to look after. I don’t envy her doing that trip with a 5 month old.

OP posts:
7salmonswimming · 15/09/2019 21:42

You told her you were worried about being alone at her wedding in Japan with nobody to talk to - and her reply was that you could hang out with the groom’s friends who don’t speak English?

You’re traveling all the way there for this friend? Taking time off work?

Is she paying for flights and accommodation at least?

Ouch OP. Sorry Sad

TubaTwoLocusts · 15/09/2019 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squee123 · 15/09/2019 21:47

I think unnamed plus ones are ridiculous. Why should the couple pay for some random they wouldn't invite in their own right to attend? Live in partner, spouse or children fine. Random friend or someone they've been dating five minutes? Nope.

JackieandWilson · 15/09/2019 22:00

Thanks @invisiblewomenmustberead! I was waiting to be ripped apart! Bonkers isn't it ... Hmm

burnoutbabe · 15/09/2019 22:09

If it's actually in Japan no way would o go on my own for 3 days. The jet lag will kill you! You'd want a week or so to be able to get the most of it and see some stuff. I'd definitely take a mate along on the holiday.

Original poster
Whenyourehome · 15/09/2019 22:09

Is she paying for flights and accommodation at least? I'm paying for my flights & accommodation myself. To be fair I wouldn't expect her to pay. This is another place where single people suffer - no one to half the hotel cost with.

Having been asked about the other single friend at least I'm in a better position than her, I've got the bridesmaid with kids, she won't know anyone at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenyourehome · 15/09/2019 22:13

We also don’t know OP’s situation - she may be happily single, but equally she may like to be with someone, so this could sting a bit if she’s not single by choice.

I've been single for years and it never used to bother me but lately I have been thinking it would be quite nice to find someone. Sunday's are mainly when I think like that, when everyone's uploading photos of a takeaway and film with their partners. I know that sounds stupid!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenyourehome · 15/09/2019 22:15

If it's actually in Japan no way would o go on my own for 3 days. The jet lag will kill you!

I know. Friend with kids is going for a week which I was going to do too but I don't want to spend a week alone with happy couples.

OP posts:
GreatestShowUnicorn · 15/09/2019 22:19

Take a friend with you but prewarn then they be on their own on the wedding day, tell bride that's what's happening and when someone else cancels at the last minute she can fil the space.

7salmonswimming · 15/09/2019 22:21

Well, leaving aside the +1 issue, actually Japan is the one country in the world I WOULDN’T want to visit for a week with a baby and toddler (jet lag will be beyond awful), and the one country is much rather visit alone. If you’ve never been before, it’s freaking amazing - and will be all the more so in 2020 (Olympics). So, I’d way way way rather be you than the other bridesmaid with kids!

Original poster
Whenyourehome · 15/09/2019 22:37

We're going to a little town 7salmons, but I'm sure Japan is a lovely country. I definitely don't envy them looking after tired, jet-lagged kids!

OP posts:
Librocubicularist · 15/09/2019 23:02

@Whenyourehome YANBU. To travel 18 hours to a wedding where you don't know other guests and most of them are not English speaking is not the same as a wedding in the UK.

Have you been to Japan before? Go for longer, travel round the country and stay in hostels.

I travelled to Japan on my own and stayed with my sister who lived in Ibaraki. I didn't speak any Japanese other than thank you very much. Japanese are generally very polite and will go above and beyond to help strangers. I managed to travel all the way to the town my sister lived in but couldn't find her flat using directions I'd been given so asked a passing girl by showing her the directions/address in Japanese. It took us 15 minutes to find the flat as the yellow buildinggiven in the directions had been painted a different colour. You'd never get that in the UK.

As my sister wasn't able to get much time off work, I used her flat as a base and travelled to Hiroshima, Kyoto and Yokohama by myself. As you're not in a touristy area you may find yourself as somewhat of a curiosity and get English speaking guests practicing their English with you/asking lots of questions.

MindyStClaire · 15/09/2019 23:17

YANBU. I got married abroad, one of my BMs was single and given a +1 as were all the single people on the short guest list. If people were going to go to the trouble of getting on a plane to see us get married the least we could do was make sure they had company to enjoy the trip.

Fwiw OP, I think you're being incredibly generous with both your time and your money to travel to Japan for three days for the wedding. I hope the bride appreciates you.

EmeraldShamrock · 16/09/2019 00:50

Yanbu. Ofcourse you should be entitled to bring a companion to the wedding.
Ask your friend I would have no issue with this, if it is financial offer to pay.
They more than likely won't take a payment.
If is strange they didn't give you the choice your obviously close if a BM.
I'd ask.

Ponoka7 · 16/09/2019 05:35

"Lots of people don't value relationships like friendship - it's married partner/live in partner, family, or nothing to them."
Stuck in the past, is the way I see it! "

Without trying to stereotype a whole group of people, Japanese people tend to be traditional and conservative.

So I'm wondering who set the guest list and if she didn't want to upset her inlaws (are they contributing/paying for the wedding?).

She should have given you a plus one. Those saying not, are discounting the fact that there will be very few English speaking guests. It will feel quite lonely at times.

As soon as you got the invite to be BM, it's a shame that you couldn't have found a way to point out that it will alter your experience, not having a +1.

Your not an ordinary guest, after all, you're being a BM. Even if the Groom's parents are traditional, they would have understood the want for you to have a female friend with you. So i agree that the Bride could have tried to swing it for you.

But if you haven't told her, it might not have occurred to her.