To Tell Friend To Feed Her Child Properly

[ChilledBee]

I have a friend with a four year old son. He's very small for his age and her HV and GP have made suggestions about how to change this. She isn't vegan but eats meat seldom and only shops organic and local. She makes these dishes which are foreign type stews with things like aubergine and squash (I eat/cook these things too) and will sprinkle some feta or another cheese on top. Or something with spinach and lentils. It isn't awful but for an acquired taste. My DH says it Italy seems like a side dish and he is waiting for the joint of slow cooked meat and some potatoes to accompany it. Any meat is organic/free range butcher ordered so very expensive and rarely eaten. She is very much into ethical shopping/farming/eating.

The trouble is, when I see the vegetables,they are often old (she gets a lot of home grown produce from her own allotment or that of friends) so I imagine the nutrients are depleted. Her son barely eats any of the food she gives him and she does worry about that because he's not only small but has some vitamin deficiencies too. But she thinks it has something else going on rather then he just doesn't like the food she makes.

Last week, she had to unfortunately stay in hospital for several days (10) with her mother who was touch and go. Her son stayed with me and even though it was something completely unfamiliar, he settled in well. She gave no dietary instructions so I just fed him like I do my own kids (3,3 and 1) on home cooked meals cooked from scratch (spaghetti bolognese,shepherds pie, burgers and chips) and he wolfed it down. In fact, the first day he came he had seconds and ice cream and jelly afterwards (pudding isn't routine in our house). I am embarrassed to say that I weighed him that night and the day before he went home. He gained 5lbs! My DH felt that I was out of order weighing him but I have to say that seeing him eat like that made me want to prove something I'd suspected all along.

I want to tell her that her son badly needs to eat food he likes and is healthy for a child. She often refers to childhood obesity but I think she underestimates the amount of fat and carbs a growing child needs. I know she feels quite isolated by her HV and GP who have sort of threatened her with SS (she says) but won't refer her for the medical investigations she wants. Her sister had 'failure to thrive' and was later found to have cerebral palsy which contributed to this but it isn't a hereditary condition which could explain her son's small stature. My DH doesn't think she is mentally stable. I think she is precious at best.

Would you say something?

[Spingtrolls]

Omg, shocking. Household eat cuisines from other countries.
And can you ask for her foreign stew recipes?

[CantSleepClownsWillEatMe]

I agree that the lovely and healthy meals she provides aren't much use if the child barely eats any of it! If the GP and HV are concerned enough to have raised it with her then there's more going on here than just 'lifestyle choices'.

Tbh she sounds like those MNers who declare pasta and fruit to be nothing more than sugar and obsess about the carb, protein and fat proportions of every single meal and snack possibly one or two of them on this thread .

Orthorexia is an issue for lots of people these days and there are certainly parents who mistakenly believe a diet intended for an adults weight loss/maintenance equals a healthy diet for children. It doesn't!

As pps have suggested I would probably just slip it into the conversation that he eg ate a big bowl of spag bol and then had a great time in the park etc. It might get her thinking but you won't be pushing it to the point she feels you're criticizing her.

[BiffNChips]

What have the recipe origins got to do with anything? Is it not good enough unless it's British? Is the child underweight for his height or just small stature?

[ChilledBee]

He's on the 2nd centile. He's grown 2cm in a year.

[StockTakeFucks]

I wonder if people would say the same thing if he was overweight and eating pizza every day.

[ChilledBee]

The recipes are for an acquired taste that he hasn't acquired. Lots of cumin and saffron as well as other hotter spices. She serves it with yoghurt and mint. I usually like it but it isn't something I'd have eaten as a child.

[ethelfleda]

OP
I think you need to educate yourself on what healthy food looks like.
I’m not saying your friend’s dinners are perfect for a growing child - I agree kids need fat and carbs and protein...
But processed meat such as burgers and jelly and ice cream are not healthy or nutritious.

Somewhere in between what you’re both giving your children is probably about right!!

[HerkyBaby]

The child’s needs always come first in situations like this.

[campion]

If he's underweight and doesn't eat enough then you're right to be concerned...but it does sound like other people are already on the case.

Children aren't mini adults when it comes to nutritional needs, and lots of vegetables and lentils are not going to meet his protein, fat and energy requirements. That's even if he was eating them,which you say he isn't really. Small children need concentrated calories because they have small stomachs so shepherd's pie,bolognaise etc sound fine to me. Crucially,food needs to be eaten to actually do any good!

It's difficult as a friend to stand back and not wade in,but it's obviously a delicate area and your friend's probably feeling defensive/criticised/misunderstood. She probably needs someone to show her how to adapt some of her foods and dishes to appeal to him more.

[ethelfleda]

I usually like it but it isn't something I'd have eaten as a child

Do you think that children who are raised in foreign countries are all raised on shepherds pie and spaghetti bolognese??

[Mxyzptlk]

I'm with those saying to mention how well behaved he was at yours, including eating.
And maybe say he really liked a particular meal that you gave him.

If your friend is talking to you about her son not eating, maybe you could suggest she tries some of the things your kids like (without commenting on her usual food obv).

Does she use eggs? There are so many things you can make with them.

[Spingtrolls]

Well just because you didn't eat this food as a child doesn't mean others don't. Mine love spicy food.
She is also correct that it might not be down to diet. Some people cannot process certain vitamins. Other health conditions can also cause some deficiencies.

it doesn't sound like this is a sudden dietary change. So he will be used to different foods.

Perhaps he didn't like meal that day, It happens.
The gain from constipation. And I really cannot be so intrusive that they weighed another parents child.

[AstridAsterson]

I get what you are trying to say about the 'foreign food', you are saying that Mum is cooking to her taste and not considering her underweight, malnourished child. That's not OK.

The people pearl clutching about a bloody burger and chips on this thread is ridiculous. It's not exactly poison, is it?

I would not have eaten a spicuy, cumin based north african stew aged 5. Neither would my kids, so they get more boring, kid-friendly thinks like stir fry and omelette. I would love top eat one now and enjoy adult food away from my kids

[Jamhandprints]

No harm in mentioning it to your hv as a concern. She can then advise you whether to butt out or how you can help.
I feel sorry for the boy he must be so hungry.

[MadisonMontgomery]

I would just say ‘gosh, doesn’t x have a fab appetite, wish my kids ate everything I put in front of them like he does!’ and hope the conversation leads from there as to what he was eating etc, or at least makes her think.

[C8H10N4O2]

Well obviously foreign muck can't possibly be as wholesome as burgers, chips, jelly and ice cream.

[feta, aubergines, spices - anything with flavour] usually like it but it isn't something I'd have eaten as a child

That says more about the limitations of your diet as a child than anything else.

What the hell do you think all those poor "foreign" kids do? Die of starvation for lack or burger and chips?

[Moominfan]

Op I think your coming from a place of care and concern. However pointing out his eating habits and critiquing what she makes is never going to go down well. Even if it's well intentioned. Is she on her own with him? She clearly puts a lot of thought into cooking nutritious healthy foods. It might be very different to what you eat but it's her preferences. Be a friend and just offer to help where you can.

[ChilledBee]

Homemade burgers aren't processed meat. They were actually made from home ground pork mince and fennel.

[Hederex]

They sound like the sorts of things we eat for dinner, but I'm a believer that if your child isn't growing properly, you need to feed them whatever they will eat within reason, so I don't think you're being unreasonable really.

[CassianAndor]

A child does not need meat to get enough protein. DD has been veggie from birth and is absolutely fine. In fact, she’s just eaten a foreign stew and couscous for dinner.

You sound pretty ignorant about anything other than traditional British food. I would also wonder if you have a skewed idea of a healthy weight for a child.

[AstridAsterson]

That says more about the limitations of your diet as a child than anything else.

Children are preprogrammed to dislike and reject bitter food, to avoid them being poisoned by bitter berries etc

What the hell do you think all those poor "foreign" kids do? Die of starvation for lack or burger and chips?

Well, I'm pretty sure the rate of starvation and malnutrition is higher in North and East Africa than in the UK . What a ridiculous comment

[GummyGoddess]

I would mention it, healthy food should taste good and hers clearly doesn't. It's pointless serving healthy food that is never eaten, at least eating other things he is getting more nutrients due to the amount he eats.

[WindsweptEgret]

My child would have eaten a spicy, cumin based north African stew at 5, and younger. At 13 he eats spicier food than me. It's not adult food.

[StormBaby]

My stepchildren get fed takeaway 4 nights a week and smartprice noodles the rest. 🤣I can tell you now the authorities don't give a crap. The boys diet sounds actually very healthy.

[titchy]

Oh and the recipes she uses are usually from other countries. She eats a lot of North and East African food as she travelled there a few times

And?

2nd centile isn't too bad btw, particularly with shorter parents (I have one) - I though you were talking about a child way below the chart.