AIBU to think TTC should involve a bit more "trying"?

[TigerJoy]

Been TTC for 9 months and we just don't have enough sex.

I have a higher sex drive than DH anyway but we're averaging once a week (yes I know every other day is recommended). This is more than before and still a bit high for DH (nowhere near as often as I'd like).

This weekend it is my fertile period and I put it in the diary, we talked about it in advance, I said I really wanted to make a good go of it this month and we agreed we'd make sure we had sex at least every other day during this period. We would both be open to it and make possibilities happen.

Fri he didn't feel like it. We agreed Sat morning. Sat morning it just didn't click and we gave up. Sat evening he wasn't in the mood. He's just said no again, he has to work, maybe this evening. But we're going out for dinner and I know he'll be too tired after.

I'm fed up and hurt from being rejected. I am pissed off that we are BOTH supposed to be trying and this was a joint decision but it doesn't feel like he's making any effort at all. Before Sat we hadn't had sex in 2 weeks. Going that long without makes me a bit bonkers so I may be losing perspective here.

Putting any pressure on him is obviously a massive turn off but I end up getting angry which makes everything worse.

AIBU to expect him to make more effort?

It may be helpful to reread your post with you and your DH reversed OP. Honestly, it doesn't come across well.

Does he definitely want a child?

It sounds like the pressure to perform and the scheduling is killing his libido.

Perhaps you should take TTC off the table for the time being and have a proper talk about what it is you both want and how you can make that happen.

TTC isn't always easy.
But equally, anyone can say no to sex for any reason. I can see why for someone with a lower sex drive having someone schedule sex on the calendar and then tell you we need to have a good go of it takes sex away from being one element of a relationship and turns it into a pressure to tick a box.

Yes, you need to have more regular sex if you're wanting a baby, but equally TTC can't be the be all and end all because it becomes quite unhealthy. If it hadn't happened yet, he may also be worrying about potential fertility issues or having his own worries. It's probably good to talk calmly about how you're both feeling without apportioning blame.

Maybe put a pause on TTC, regain some intimacy, still keep having unprotected sex and then don't tell him when your fertile period is but try to build enough intimacy that sex is more likely for you both to enjoy it.

You might also want to take this off AIBU and ask MN to move it to one of the conception / TTC boards where you will get much more useful support. I fear that if you leave this on AIBU someone will turn up telling you to LTB and that his lack of interest right now is abusive and controlling.

You are ttc, he doesnt want a baby. Stop pressuring him.

"Maybe put a pause on TTC, regain some intimacy, still keep having unprotected sex and then don't tell him when your fertile period is but try to build enough intimacy that sex is more likely for you both to enjoy it."

Couldn't agree more.

Having to have sex on certain days can be a real mood killer. I wouldn't feel like having sex if it had a kind of clinical & pressurised vibe to it either.

Also how sure are you that he wants a child?

You are ttc, he doesnt want a baby. Stop pressuring him.
Typical AIBU response.

He may well want a baby, he might not.
He may feel bad about the difference in sex drives, which will affect his sex drive.
He might be worrying it hasn't happened yet and the worry is putting him off because that might mean fertility issues.
Maybe he wants a baby but is feeling railroaded into timetabled sex which kills the mood.
Maybe TTC has taken over their lives so that's all they talk about and other intimacy has suffered.

There's so many reasons why this situation could happen if TTC takes longer. There's no need to be an arse to the OP.

this is why this thread needs moving before the OP gets attacked

How old are you OP?

It's a tough one because if there are any age pressures you want it to happen sooner rather than later, and it's horrible putting your life on hold (not drinking, planning holidays and events not knowing if you will be pregnant). You wont know if you are having fertility issues or not because if you go to the doctor and they know you are only having sex once a week then they will not refer you I'd have thought.

But from his PoV, if he doesnt want it, he doesnt want it, and putting more pressure on ttc isn't helping.

Have you spoken to him about it? When you're both relaxed etc and not pressuring him. Ask him does he realise you are very unlikely to get pregnant with the current approach and ask how he feels about that.

Maybe you can change things up? I found (from dating scans) my fertile window was earlier than day 14. Maybe agree to stop having weekly sex, and sort yourself out, but have sex twice around the fertile time say days 11 and 14 and then leave it a while or something?

Well.

Anyone can say no to sex for any reason, but it’s not unreasonable to expect to have more sex at fertile times if you’re supposed to be actively trying to conceive. If he doesn’t want to then he either doesn’t want a baby or doesn’t want to have sex frequently enough to have a reasonable chance.

I’d honestly think about how compatible you are sexually.

It is the ONLY issue between me and my husband. We’ve not had sex in about a year. I am utterly depressed by it. In darker moments I wish we’d never got married - it has been a problem for us since day one but now we have 2 kids I just cope. But it’s awful.

This will be your life OP.

You can’t and shouldn’t try to force him to do it more but this incompatibility will not miraculously improve. Trust me.

Yanbu OP, if you want to maximise your chances of conceiving then it has to be every other day during the most fertile week-10 days of your cycle.

Unfortunately because you haven't done this those 9 months have really been wasted as you don't know whether you have fertility problems or whether you weren't having enough sex.

I would just knock this month on the head but in the next couple of weeks sit him down and have a chat armed with some facts from a book on ttc.

You need ask him if he actually wants a child or whether this is a deflection tactic firstly.

Then you need to discuss with him what you both need to do and what does he need to help him do this (eg clear diary, don't go out for dinner if it makes him tired, no booze etc). No one can 'perform' every time but with every other day you can get away with a couple of failed attempts.

In my experience you have to just power through, I am pregnant atm and I'm pretty sure I know when my baby was conceived, I was on my most fertile day, but we'd had a row, and just said we needed to dtd anyway. It was pretty shit obviously but it worked and had a positive pregnancy test 2 weeks later.

If you don't conceive naturally after 12 months then you can be referred fir fertility treatment via the NHS, perhaps that would also focus him, that it will be much more invasive for both of you if you can't do it naturally. Good luck.

Everyday during your fertile period. Follow the SMEP (googlable) which also tells you when to shag before and after fertile period.

I didn’t bother having sex for the rest of the month as you get sick of it. I had a midwife recommend once you have sex every other day all month 😭 what is the point?

I do think there are a lot of couples who don’t shag enough at the right times when ttc though

A good and sobering post from merry and the two things that spring to mind are that he’s not that interested in having a baby, and that if you do get pregnant you’ll still have a huge incompatibility in your relationship. Once you’ve conceived - if that happens - he’ll stop the little effort he’s making and you probably won’t have sex when you’re pregnant which could make you feel awful about yourself, then you’ll have a baby and he’ll use that as an excuse not to, then you’ll be tied together forever through the shared child and you’ll be stuck in a sexless marriage which will continue to make you feel rejected, frustrated, disconnected and happy till all the good things between you have died. Sorry to be a massive downer but this isn’t just about ttc. It’s highlighting the big existing issue you already have and you don’t need to spend long on the relationships board to see the toxic corrosion a mismatch like this creates long term.

To be honest it all sounds very stressful and high pressure.

That would put me off sex straight away.

Though pp is right. Even if you get pregnant, incompatianke sex drives can cause problems long term.

Do you really think ttc is a good idea if you are so unevenly matched in such an important area of your life? Sorry, but I just don't think this situation will end well and if you do manage to conceive will be tied to each other forever. Either look towards counselling or save your pennies and walk away.

Yabu because you are ignoring a big issue in your relationship as you have a huge desire to conceive. This won't just magically go away x

Different sex drives is one thing but this sounds like he actually doesn’t understand or care about increasing the chances of falling pregnant. If you are only having sex every couple of weeks the chances of falling pregnant aren’t going to be great. He shouldn’t have to have def if he doesn’t want to but he does need to acknowledge that that is impacting on your chance of success and personally I think it’s fine for you to be upset by that.

Does he actually understand that the likelihood of you falling pregnant is not equal on every day of the month? Does he understand the significant of your fertile period, or is he just thinking "equal chance any day, slightly higher chance on those days"?

There is still the bigger issue to address per pp but I am left wondering this.

I agree with a pp who said you aren't compatible. If you don't have children already, (which I assume you don't?) I would consider if you can put up with this incompatibility in how often you want sex for the restof your life.

Just to say as well, my husband is amazing - he’s kind, caring, is a proper full and active parent, generous, loving.

He just doesn’t like sex as much as me. It makes me feel bad about myself no matter how much he reassures me.

90% of the time I can ignore it and I’m very happy but when something reminds me it’s been so long I feel quite low.

My youngest is a very difficult 18month old so I hope things will pick up back to normal for us when he’s out of this phase, but it still is less than I’d like.

Luckily for us I appear to be extremely fertile as I got pregnant first go both times. Go figure.

Try not to get it in your head that ‘we must have sex every other day to get pregnant.’ That may be optimal but it isn’t necessary. My husband and I were trying on and off for nearly 10 years before it happened and when it did it happened the month when we had sex once.

I sympathise OP, but you can't expect a man to ' stand and deliver' there is nothing guaranteed to make him go limper than a week old lettuce than a demand to perform, he's not a performing seal.
Particularly if he has a low sex drive to start with.
Just relax and take it easy. It will happen, but not if you demand it.
You wouldn't like to be pressured into sex I'm sure. I wouldn't.
Throw the calendar away and let nature take its course.
Good luck.

Do you want to tether yourself to someone (by way of a child) with someone you are sexually incompatible with? It won't improve, you'll almost certainly be mismatched forever.

If you are happy with that then focus on doing it once at the right time of the month, but don't tell him it's your fertile period.

FWIW, my 3 pregnancies have been from having sex once each time.

Sorry but it sounds like he doesn’t want a child or you two aren’t sexually compatible.
Both good reasons not to get pregnant because it will cause resentment long term.

Sounds silly but does he actually understand the biological facts about TTC? You’d be surprised how many men know nothing about fertility from a female perspective. Perhaps a quick biology lesson could do the job.

It sounds like he doesn’t want a child to me personally. Having a low sex drive is fine and can be normal for some people but it’s obviously not going to work when TTC. If he truly wanted a child, I think he’d find it within himself to have sex a bit more tbh.

I think it is much easier for a woman to get TTC focussed/obsessed, look into exact fertile windows, recommended number of times to have sex during that time, and even if they don't feel like sex lie back and get on with it to achieve that goal.

Even if a man also wants to conceive the timetabling of sex and pressure to perform invariably has a growing impact on his libido and ability to perform, which then leads to embarrassing failures to perform further compounding the issue. This is all happening while his partner is saying/inferring we MUST have sex now and if we don't you are letting us down and the lack of baby is your fault. Further pressure to perform.

Agree with pp above. You won't fix this by piling on more pressure, you need to take the pressure off.

If you are sexually incompatible dont have a baby.

You will be stuck together and it will be soul destroying for you.

How was his sex drive before all this? If it was low then once children arrive it will probably dwindle to zero. Is this what you want?