AIBU to think TTC should involve a bit more "trying"?

[TigerJoy]

Been TTC for 9 months and we just don't have enough sex.

I have a higher sex drive than DH anyway but we're averaging once a week (yes I know every other day is recommended). This is more than before and still a bit high for DH (nowhere near as often as I'd like).

This weekend it is my fertile period and I put it in the diary, we talked about it in advance, I said I really wanted to make a good go of it this month and we agreed we'd make sure we had sex at least every other day during this period. We would both be open to it and make possibilities happen.

Fri he didn't feel like it. We agreed Sat morning. Sat morning it just didn't click and we gave up. Sat evening he wasn't in the mood. He's just said no again, he has to work, maybe this evening. But we're going out for dinner and I know he'll be too tired after.

I'm fed up and hurt from being rejected. I am pissed off that we are BOTH supposed to be trying and this was a joint decision but it doesn't feel like he's making any effort at all. Before Sat we hadn't had sex in 2 weeks. Going that long without makes me a bit bonkers so I may be losing perspective here.

Putting any pressure on him is obviously a massive turn off but I end up getting angry which makes everything worse.

AIBU to expect him to make more effort?

@orchidinthesun that is exactly what my OP was about. I DON'T WANT to be the one that takes responsibility for this and tries to trick / force / persuade him into it. We do this as adults, as a team, or not at all. For all the reasons other people have said. I felt the responsibility was falling on me for initiating sex, but as always, that was really the tip of the iceberg.

@CrystalShark I understand what you're saying and I think your approach does sound relaxing in a way! I guess I've been tiptoeing around DH without realising it.

And fuck. I honestly feel like all my options right now are a bit shitty. My sense of emotional stability is the last priority right now, although I wish it weren't. If he's reluctant / wants to stop trying, I will have to leave, which will be fucking awful and heartbreaking.

If he isn’t sure about it anymore once you’ve talked later, would you be willing to go it alone? At 41 I sure would: you can always start another relationship but your baby days are short now. I would feel better knowing I’d tried my best even if it didn’t work out I think. Have you looked into sperm donation/IVF yet? Can you afford it?

I’m really sorry you’re in this position, you must be so scared. I had a relationship prior to this one where I wanted to TTC and he was very vague and non commital but also kinda led me to believe we could, then changed his mind and we split. It really freaked me out and in the months leading up to our TTC date with my OH I had a constant sinking feeling he’d change his mind or wasn’t into it. If I smiled at a cute baby and he didn’t seem as enraptured I’d end up in a spiral for an hour thinking he was gonna leave me high and dry too or I was persuading him into it. I was still surprised at the point when he willingly had unprotected sex with me even though we’d been planning for two years. As a woman it’s such a scary vulnerable time when you are so ready for a child but reliant on someone else who is giving off worrisome signals. But if you do want a child and can afford to do it alone you still have time to give it your best shot. Just don’t give up on the chance of a family for him if you don’t want to.

And yes to the tiptoeing. When I hear of couples where the guy can’t even dredge up an orgasm while the woman is tracking and planning and peeing on sticks and taking vitamins etc. I tend to think it just sounds a bit pathetic. Having an orgasm is kinda the easiest most enjoyable part. Nobody should ever have to have sex it goes without saying but if a guy who knows it’s their one fertile couple days of the month can’t get over being tired to have sex it does make you wonder how bothered he is. True performance anxiety is obviously a different matter and can be worked around usually with insemination. But a casual brush off cos he’s not in the mood when they’ve agreed to TTC and his partner has done so much legwork to make sure everything is timed properly just says to me callousness or not wanting a child.

Oh Tiger :( But I think you already are in that position - whether you want to be or not. It sounds like he is quite happy with the status quo and he's saying the right things to keep you (because I'm sure he doesn't want to lose you) but he's not on the same page for whatever reason.

You said "If he's reluctant / wants to stop trying, I will have to leave, which will be fucking awful and heartbreaking."

Yes it be will. But I think he is reluctant. You know the old MN adage 'when someone shows you who they are, listen'. He's showing you but you're unwilling to listen. And I don't blame you because it is fucking awful and heartbreaking. But is it more fucking awful and heartbreaking not to have a child?

Only you can make that call but you need to make it very soon. You really cannot afford to fanny about for another 9 months, hoping he will come around. His panicking at the idea you could be pregnant tells you everything you need to know.

Sigh. Thanks guys. I am a really positive person in the sense that I am cheery and also I am keen to make things happen. I'm perfectly capable of doing things alone. Money won't be great but it'll be fine - I have a reasonable job with a good salary and my workplace is super supportive of parents.

I ditched my only other serious relationship 15 years ago because he kept dicking about and saying yes we could have kids but not quite yet so I really, really did my best this time to be clear and fair about what I wanted right from the start.

Fingers crossed I win the baby lottery this month! Part of my deliberations were if he is a reluctant parent and we split at least I got a sperm donor I liked.

Thanks for the kind words.

@TigerJoy
I can completely empathise. I'm also 41 and have partner who struggles to perform under pressure - such as last week during my fertile window but then completely 'up' for it at the weekend - past the window. It is hard not to fall out when you want a child so much. We've t been ogether a long time -20 years but only started trying in the last year - for many reasons mostly down to me. We did get pregnant just before Xmas but had miscarriage. Then DP was on a medication for a few months where we couldn't try due to risk to unborn baby. Then I started a new job 3 months ago so backed off a bit. The this month I really wanted to start making more of an effort i.e. more sex around fertile window which was agreed but when it came too it - literally nothing.Though did manage on night I got LH Surge accordion to OPk. No one really wants to schedule sex but when you want to get pregnant quickly as time is running out it gives you a better chance. I hope things work out for you as I understand the desperatoon but also how horrible it feels to fall out over.

It might be worth getting your AMH levels checked. These days it’s considered a much better indication of ovarian reserve than FSH.

I'm also 41 and have partner who struggles to perform under pressure - such as last week during my fertile window but then completely 'up' for it at the weekend - past the window.

@Camelos could you try not telling your partner when your fertile window is and just initiating sex at that particular time? It might take the pressure off and make him feel more relaxed.

Hi Camelos. That sounds really tough. I hope this month works out for you! It's hard when you have to wait for the right time as well, especially when the clock is ticking.

Just got my referral letter and the first appointment available is the end of November! This is all taking so long.

Tried to talk yesterday, ended up in massive massive row that neither of us can really make sense of. He's freaking out and I am now freaking out about him. It's all gone horribly wrong.

Oh I'm so sorry Tiger

Oh OP I'm sorry to hear that. Do you think a Relate session would be worth it, to discuss this all calmly with a third party present?

@flowerpowerr
Problem is he's only interested at the weekend when not too tired and so if fertile window falls during the week it is difficult.

@TigerJoy
Sorry you have argued with your partner. It is difficult when the stakes are so high. We've had those arguments too and times it feels like I'm having a conversation with an embarrassed and sulky teenager. However we have also had some good open discussions once the dust has settled a bit. I know my partner isn't as keen as having kids as me but it isn't something where there is a middle ground compromise.

Maybe try again to talk things through in a few days when you've both had time to process and the feelings aren't as raw.

There’s a pattern of you constantly explaining, cajoling, reassuring him etc? Aren’t you exhausted by it?

The fact that you might even think about using a cup illustrates how far you are down the rabbit hole with this guy. There’s a very real possibility that if you had a child with this man he’d ‘freak out’ again and blame you for him being a parent.

It shouldn’t be this hard and the fact that it is, should speak volumes. You’re not his Mum, you’re his partner and this constant reassuring, explaining, pleading dynamic doesn’t bode well for the future.

I get the blinkered searching for solutions thinking when it comes to having a child but I’d advise that you take a step back. He either walks the talk or he doesn’t, don’t demean yourself trying to ‘convince’ him.

You definitely need to be On the same page as far as ttc. You are in a really difficult position at this point and I don’t envy you.

I’m mostly weighing in to tell you that dd was conceived following the every other day schedule set by our reproductive endocrinologist. It is not a fun schedule. It takes away the romance. It means you are having sec even when you really aren’t in the mood. It can be surprisingly difficult to follow. But in cases like ours, necessary.

@AgentJohnson the whole reason I started this thread is I hate that dynamic, and I really wanted him to be pulling his weight, and I didn't feel like he was

We had a good chat yesterday. He is freaking out, but so am I at this point. He does definitely still want to try, and I talked about different ways that we could (e.g. use the cup, do it every other day etc) but asked him his thoughts and ideas. He said he'd prefer to just focus on the fertile period so I'm going to start weeing on sticks in the morning so we can have a bit more certainty about when it is (any advice on how to do this appreciated - it looks like you need a phd to figure it out - I have cheapo ones and also some First Response ones i've never used). I said that's my role, and he agreed to do his part.

So I felt like we approached it together.

Thanks for all the advice everyone

Good luck. The peeing on a stick worked for us when we did conceive (but miscarried). I was using the clear blue digital advanced - the ones with a smiley face. Since the I've just used the cheap ones the months we have focused on TTC so I know I nearly always get my LH Surge on CD13 but no positives. I think I may go back to the clear blue ones next month. I think it make sense to agree to focus efforts on fertile period but things can still be an issue if the stick says 'now is the time' but your partner doesn't want to or physically can't perform.

Thanks so much Camelos.

I'm so sorry you had a miscarriage, that is heartbreaking.

I am massively freaking out about everything now and work is hard so I am just having a shit week. Going for a massage tomorrow and will try and calm myself down.

Temperature charting can give you more info than ovulation stocks, though I used both. Ideally iLife having sex a few days leading up to the positive ovulation test, and then on the day or days themselves. I don't think we had sex more than four times a month when we were ttc and we conceived a lot (didn't always stick). What is he panicking about - being a dad? Not being a dad? Or what?

I think all the talking about it is making him feel pressured & his libido is suffering. Stop the constant discussions, relax a bit & just enjoy each others company & it may well help.

He’s essentially fobbed you off. I doubt that knowing your fertile period will help because his issues run much deeper and really need to be addressed before attempting to bring kids into the equation.

OP, I know you are only interested in finding solutions that address your most pressing issue. However, by not addressing the most obvious issue you are kicking a significant problem temporarily into the long grass which will only be more of a problem in the future.

Having a baby won’t cure his anxieties it will probably only trigger greater ones.

At 41 it's been over 6 months off birth control with no pregnancy, regardless of how "perfectly" you've been TTC - you are eligible for investigations. Start that ball rolling ASAP in case of waiting lists etc.

Sperm Meets Egg Plan is the most idiot proof guide to OPKs I've come across. Combine this with the Fertility Friend app if you like, and go through their free lessons. I like temping as well to give a fuller picture but OPKs are best for knowing in advance of ovulation.

As long as you have sex once during the fertile window you have the same chance of getting pregnant as if you had done it 10+ times. The only reason to do it more often is to be sure you definitely hit the window. If you only do it once a week there is a chance you would miss it entirely. The most important period is O-2 to O+1, in theory sperm present before O-2 may stand a chance but it's not a given.

I agree with the first pp.

If it's a long, drawn out affair each time ( sorry!) I can see his point... Is he up for a quickie?

Just read update... good luck OP

Make sure you make your next fertile window the dealbreaker OP. He keeps putting you off with dates, i sadly suspect next window will be no different- just more excuses.

He doesn't sound ready or wanting a baby, but instead of honesty he is messing you around when he knows your chances are much lower due to your age and no sex during fertile window. He is sabotaging your chances. Since you have an appointment in November, make sure you keep it and use his reactions next fertile window to guide you. But be clear with him, you want a baby and it is a dealbreaker, you won't be messed around anymore.