AIBU to think TTC should involve a bit more "trying"?

[TigerJoy]

Been TTC for 9 months and we just don't have enough sex.

I have a higher sex drive than DH anyway but we're averaging once a week (yes I know every other day is recommended). This is more than before and still a bit high for DH (nowhere near as often as I'd like).

This weekend it is my fertile period and I put it in the diary, we talked about it in advance, I said I really wanted to make a good go of it this month and we agreed we'd make sure we had sex at least every other day during this period. We would both be open to it and make possibilities happen.

Fri he didn't feel like it. We agreed Sat morning. Sat morning it just didn't click and we gave up. Sat evening he wasn't in the mood. He's just said no again, he has to work, maybe this evening. But we're going out for dinner and I know he'll be too tired after.

I'm fed up and hurt from being rejected. I am pissed off that we are BOTH supposed to be trying and this was a joint decision but it doesn't feel like he's making any effort at all. Before Sat we hadn't had sex in 2 weeks. Going that long without makes me a bit bonkers so I may be losing perspective here.

Putting any pressure on him is obviously a massive turn off but I end up getting angry which makes everything worse.

AIBU to expect him to make more effort?

I think that if you're 41 and have been trying for nine months, you need to go straight to IVF. That's my two cents. I tried for my second since I was 36 and nothing. I have decided to be happy with the child I have but at your age I don't think you can afford to wait if it's what you really want.

booboo The thing is they haven't really been trying for 9 months because they've not been having sex enough to pass the first question that gets asked when you go to GP for fertility issues.

They may be better off with private IVF, I agree, and that might force a discussion over whether he does want a child or not.

Sorry you are going through this, I am confused about the panicking, it is unclear whether it is related to becoming a parent or running out of time?
How old is he, did you say? Has his sex drive diminished since he was much younger? Apart from the pressure does he have age related performance issues?

You are sexually incompatible. Been there, divorce coming through this Xmas.
It destroyed my confidence, honestly, feeling undesired.
If you do manage to get pregnant, this incompatibility will only worsen, the differences will become more stark.
I’m sorry to be blunt, I speak from experience. Examine carefully whether being sexually rejected month after month for the rest of your life is for you.

Sorry, just rtft and seen you can compromise on the incompatibility. Good luck.

Just thought I'd give an update.

I have been charting temperature and peeing on a stick this cycle. He said he wanted to pin it down more and just focus on the best time.

Yesterday was my smiley face day (peak fertility) - we tried yesterday even though he was absolutely shattered after a long shift, and again today (successfully). And he didn't freak out but is actually in a very good mood. We had sex earlier in the week as well, but just for fun.

Fingers crossed!

Thanks for all the advice. I just thought I'd share a positive update