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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think TTC should involve a bit more "trying"?

106 replies

TigerJoy · 15/09/2019 10:19

Been TTC for 9 months and we just don't have enough sex.

I have a higher sex drive than DH anyway but we're averaging once a week (yes I know every other day is recommended). This is more than before and still a bit high for DH (nowhere near as often as I'd like).

This weekend it is my fertile period and I put it in the diary, we talked about it in advance, I said I really wanted to make a good go of it this month and we agreed we'd make sure we had sex at least every other day during this period. We would both be open to it and make possibilities happen.

Fri he didn't feel like it. We agreed Sat morning. Sat morning it just didn't click and we gave up. Sat evening he wasn't in the mood. He's just said no again, he has to work, maybe this evening. But we're going out for dinner and I know he'll be too tired after.

I'm fed up and hurt from being rejected. I am pissed off that we are BOTH supposed to be trying and this was a joint decision but it doesn't feel like he's making any effort at all. Before Sat we hadn't had sex in 2 weeks. Going that long without makes me a bit bonkers so I may be losing perspective here.

Putting any pressure on him is obviously a massive turn off but I end up getting angry which makes everything worse.

AIBU to expect him to make more effort?

OP posts:
Original poster
TigerJoy · 15/09/2019 12:47

Sorry I posted this when I was really cross. Of course anyone can say no and I'm not trying to rape my husband.

Thanks for all the advice, particularly @merry

Yes we are not sexually that compatible but we are really compatible in most other things. We really love each other and are generally very supportive of each other. When we do have sex its great and we both really enjoy it - usually. I know what this means longterm and it's a choice I've made consciously. No relationship is perfect and I'm willing to compromise on this.

He does understand the importance of the fertile window, he's a medic!

I have been very relaxed for 9 months and the point about the calendar was to make it a shared endeavour. It's not about me pressuring him - we have agreed to do this together.

I'm 41 and we do not have forever to try.

I just want him to take some responsibility for this too.

OP posts:
Original poster
TigerJoy · 15/09/2019 12:48

We've also had a few times when we've done the deed when neither have us have really been in the mood for it and ended up really enjoying it...

OP posts:
Badolddays · 15/09/2019 12:54

Do you have any children already?

Original poster
TigerJoy · 15/09/2019 13:11

Nope. And had extensive discussions before deciding to try.

Also i am not TTC obsessed, we don't really talk about it much and I have generally cheery and relaxed about it. Only tracking my cycle on an app, not weeing on sticks or anything.

OP posts:
Caterina99 · 15/09/2019 18:54

Personally I’d be tracking ovulation etc, but keeping it to myself and then just being “spontaneous” with DH on the right days. In my opinion nothing puts them off more than being required to perform.

Good luck!

Original poster
TigerJoy · 16/09/2019 23:21

Thanks. That's what I have been doing up to now, I'll go back to it. I just hate having to have to kick things off every time.

Thanks all, I can see I have been a bit of a dick. I apologised and we had a nice chat about it and agreed the pressure has been a problem, and he did say "but I want this too!".

OP posts:
Tweetingmagpie · 16/09/2019 23:25

He sounds like hard work tbh.

Gingerbreadsonme · 16/09/2019 23:34

I haven’t voted, it’s too much of a blunt tool to respond to this question. Because YANBU to think if you’re actually TTC you should actually have some sex, but YABU to carry on TTC with someone who either doesn’t actually want kids, or who doesn’t like sex enough to be in a relationship with you. This might sound a bit nuclear, but given your differing sex drives, I’d stop TTC and break up. This way only heartache lies otherwise.

Sashkin · 16/09/2019 23:36

If you are 41 and he has been dicking about only agreeing to sex twice a month for the past nine months, I’m sorry but he is being a complete twat. He clearly doesn’t want this child, or doesn’t want it enough to have sex with you in a regular basis. I can see why you are cross - if you end up not having children because he wouldn’t have sex with you, how are you going to feel about the relationship?

DH and I had similar issues (not identical because it was more about preferences than frequency, although we wouldn’t choose to have sex every day either). He put up with slightly-less-than-perfect sex for a bit because it was worth it to have a baby. We had “fun sex” on my non-fertile weeks and “baby sex” on my fertile days. Not very sexy, but worth it if you are on a limited timescale.

And to the OP who suggested you don’t need to have regular sex to get pregnant, then admitted it took her ten years to conceive her first child - the second part rather gives the lie to the first doesn’t it? And presumably she wasn’t 41 when she started trying.

Hopesorfears · 16/09/2019 23:41

At 41 this approach is nuts (and I say that as someone who had a baby at 42).

Jollitwiglet · 16/09/2019 23:49

If you have a low sex drive it's not as easy as just deciding to have sex more frequently. It doesn't sound like he is doing it on purpose, it sounds like he has low libido which you already knew and is struggling. TTC doesn't magically cure a low a low libido, and quite frankly trying to have sex when you're not in the mood is pretty shit

Sashkin · 16/09/2019 23:54

quite frankly trying to have sex when you're not in the mood is pretty shit

Yes it is. But is it more or less shit than not having children when you really want them? More or less shit than going through IVF/donor egg cycles? Personally I thought a couple of episodes of unenthusiastic sex with my otherwise much-loved partner was less bad than those two options.

Linning · 17/09/2019 03:25

Have you thought about doing it in similar ways a lot of lesbian do and have him masturbate on your fertile days and just use the sperm instead of having sex with him when he so obviously doesn't feel like it which would probably be much easier to have him achieve instead of trying to have him perform which seems to further kill his sex drive?

I know you said he wants it but considering he is a medic and haven't even suggested this and know full well what's required to have a baby, I strongly feel he might be getting cold feet regarding the baby and not being fully honest about it.

Good luck, either way!

AgentJohnson · 17/09/2019 03:59

Sorry but you’ve got the TTC blinkers on.

Your sexual incompatibility is now impacting TTC and rather than it being a wake up call, it’s feeding a desperation that’s resulted in this frustrated stand off.

If him wanting a child isn’t incentive enough to have sex more often, even temporarily, then it illustrates how deep his aversion to more frequent sex runs.

flowerpowerr · 17/09/2019 04:05

We had “fun sex” on my non-fertile weeks and “baby sex” on my fertile days.

Out of interest, what is the difference? Surely sex is sex!

I think Caterina99 has the right approach. Keeping things spontaneous and fun is the way to go!

PurpleFlower1983 · 17/09/2019 05:15

At 41 I would be worried about his attitude if you really want children OP. Like it or not, you have to try harder when you’re older and I would be worried about how supportive he would be through IVF etc.

PurpleFlower1983 · 17/09/2019 05:17

I think you need to track ovulation to make sure you are actually ovulating and I would be making the appointment now for preliminary tests.

CrystalShark · 17/09/2019 06:08

Oh I’d be panicking in your shoes. You have probably very little time/low chances already and he’s squandering so many opportunities to try get you pregnant. I’m not convinced personally he wants a baby as much as you do. How would he feel about wanking into a cup in the next room and you inseminating with a turkey baster on the days he’s not interested? If he can’t manage that I’d be seriously concerned. Time is already against you.

Out of interest, what is the difference? Surely sex is sex!

Have you ever TTC? There’s a difference. Was for me anyway.

TTC sex during fertile window was very much perfunctory, as we were both often tired (when we conceived for that several day window, I had a bad cold and he was exhausted from a string of twelve hour night shifts) and wouldn’t normally have chosen to have sex but as the OPK was positive we did it anyway. Wasn’t massively enjoyable, couldn’t be bothered with foreplay, just used sperm friendly lube and had a two minute quickie. Very animalistic and our priority was to get the semen in there and then go to sleep! Luckily due to high libido and age (mid twenties) OH never had any issue performing and although I didn’t enjoy it much in terms of physical pleasure there was an element for us both of being excited we were trying to make a baby so that spurred us on a lot to do it around ovulation even if we wouldn’t have chosen to have sex for the sake of sex.

Fun sex is sex without any purpose other then enjoyment. Takes time, foreplay, pleasure is important, more passionate and intimate, because we both wanted to have sex for sex’s sake not to make a baby. We wouldn’t have necessarily found our ‘fun sex’ happened naturally around ovulation depending on various factors (life, being busy, some health issue which mean sex too often causes me pain) which is why OPKs were fantastic as they showed us when to focus our efforts. If you have a good idea of when you’re ovulating you can only have sex a couple times per month and you’ve still maximised your chances for that cycle. Ideal for low libido couples or people with health issues that make it impossible to be banging every day or two.

LolaSmiles · 17/09/2019 07:40

PurpleFlower1983
That would be fine, but the first question when starting fertility investigations is whether you're having regular unprotected sex throughout your cycle.

9 months having a couple of tries a month is nothing.

Original poster
TigerJoy · 17/09/2019 07:45

We ended up having sex twice yesterday (both at his instigation). Then he panicked.

It is a bit exhausting to be honest, but at this point most of my options are a bit crap. At 41 I don't really feel like breaking up and trying to find someone else. I really love him, for a start, and can't imagine wanting anyone else.

I have fertility tests booked and if things don't improve I think I'll have to try a sperm donor. This will break us up, but so will us not having children.

OP posts:
flowerpowerr · 17/09/2019 07:58

We ended up having sex twice yesterday (both at his instigation). Then he panicked.

What did he panic about - the fact that you might now be pregnant?

Hopesorfears · 17/09/2019 08:27

I am wondering if this is a recent relationship and if not, which of you decided to wait till you were 40 before starting to ttc? Am asking as at least one of you doesn't seem all that into the idea! OP neither to be honest as she is thinking of maybe getting some tests if this goes on... at 41 you need to do everything at twice normal speed or nothing's going to happen. Realistically you might be looking at a miscarriage or two before you have a successful pg as well.
Some straight talking re what he actually wants as well as a medical appointment would be my next steps.

Original poster
TigerJoy · 17/09/2019 08:39

Panicking about whether I could get pregnant now

We've been together 5 years but when our relationship got to the point we could think about it I was in a bad working situation with vast amounts of stress that was making me ill. I was only in the position to think about it seriously a year ago once I'd changed jobs (one of the reasons I changed jobs was to enable us to start trying)

OP posts:
OrchidInTheSun · 17/09/2019 08:46

Have you had your fertility checked out OP? TTC for 9 months - year is fine in your early 30s but time is not on your side. Do you know what your FSH levels are?

OrchidInTheSun · 17/09/2019 08:47

Sorry missed that you have fertility tests booked.