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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think TTC should involve a bit more "trying"?

106 replies

TigerJoy · 15/09/2019 10:19

Been TTC for 9 months and we just don't have enough sex.

I have a higher sex drive than DH anyway but we're averaging once a week (yes I know every other day is recommended). This is more than before and still a bit high for DH (nowhere near as often as I'd like).

This weekend it is my fertile period and I put it in the diary, we talked about it in advance, I said I really wanted to make a good go of it this month and we agreed we'd make sure we had sex at least every other day during this period. We would both be open to it and make possibilities happen.

Fri he didn't feel like it. We agreed Sat morning. Sat morning it just didn't click and we gave up. Sat evening he wasn't in the mood. He's just said no again, he has to work, maybe this evening. But we're going out for dinner and I know he'll be too tired after.

I'm fed up and hurt from being rejected. I am pissed off that we are BOTH supposed to be trying and this was a joint decision but it doesn't feel like he's making any effort at all. Before Sat we hadn't had sex in 2 weeks. Going that long without makes me a bit bonkers so I may be losing perspective here.

Putting any pressure on him is obviously a massive turn off but I end up getting angry which makes everything worse.

AIBU to expect him to make more effort?

OP posts:

Original poster

TigerJoy · 17/09/2019 08:50

FSH levels are normal, scan normal. Waiting for follow up appointment

OP posts:

flowerpowerr · 17/09/2019 08:52

Panicking about whether I could get pregnant now

I think that’s your answer - he doesn’t want a baby. It sounds like you need to have a serious discussion with him about what’s going on in his mind. Sorry you’re having to go through this

OrchidInTheSun · 17/09/2019 08:54

That's a good start when you say you're waiting for a follow up, is he going to be tested too?

CandyLeBonBon · 17/09/2019 08:55

Oh op your update was sad. But I do think pp are right that he's not as invested as you are. I hope I'm wrong.

Original poster

TigerJoy · 17/09/2019 08:57

Thanks @flowerpowrr

Yes his stuff is in the works as we speak.

Gah. It took a couple of years of talking about this and I really thought we were on the same page. I've made it clear I'm having a baby with or without him (he kept saying yes but not now until Jan). Guess I have my answer.

OP posts:

OrchidInTheSun · 17/09/2019 09:07

Oh god I misunderstood- I thought you meant that he was panicking about you possibly having left it too late rather than that you might be pregnant. So sorry, that doesn't sound good.

If you want a baby, then bluntly, that's what you have to prioritise. He is being enormously selfish because I don't think he's being honest with you. And every month that passes, he's reducing your chances of naturally conceiving. He is putting his desire to carry on with your relationship over yours for a child.

I would start exploring donor options now if I were you.

SerenDippitty · 17/09/2019 09:32

OP I think at your age the time you should wait until you seek medical advice is six months. See your GP and take the pressure off for now.

I know from experience that the longer you go on ttc without success the less you feel like having sex for its own sake. Nature’s little joke.

SerenDippitty · 17/09/2019 09:33

Sorry I missed that you had already sought medical advice.

happycamper11 · 17/09/2019 09:36

Sorry to read the last update. That's not great news. Serious chat time!

AliceAbsolum · 17/09/2019 09:36

Get him to jizz in a cup and syringe it up. After 3 years it's the only way we could time it right. Its utterly depressing.

oldenoughtobehavebetter · 17/09/2019 09:42

Just a different opinion

if he does want to have a baby but just doesn't like the pressure of having sex on demand I'd actually crack on and start weeing on an ovulation stick so the ttc might be quicker and have less impact on your relationship.

Hopesorfears · 17/09/2019 09:43

It is possible that if you are pg, and he is less than keen, that that may change when you have the baby. It can take a long time for some men (and women) to feel ready.

Hopesorfears · 17/09/2019 09:44

Sorry but you aren't explaining what happened very well! He "panicked" and you say "I guess now I have my answer" - what did him panicking look like? What did he actually say ?

oldenoughtobehavebetter · 17/09/2019 09:45

Oh sorry missed the bit about panicking that you might be pregnant

Does he not really want a baby or is he just anxious about feeling a loss of control?

CrystalShark · 17/09/2019 09:48

God that’s awful that he panicked after. I can’t even imagine how betrayed and vulnerable I’d feel if my OH had banged me ostensibly TTC and then panicked after in case it worked. Wtf!?

I would start the process of finding a sperm donor ASAP OP. The relationship you can figure out either way but you don’t have time for this messing around. He clearly doesn’t firmly want your baby any time soon.

Also for the future, you don’t need to be banging twice in a day to TTC. Sex every other day is perfectly adequate as your chances are the same whether you have sex every day before and around ovulation as if you do it every other day. There’s a good subreddit called tryingforababy if you’re interested in the science.

Hopesorfears · 17/09/2019 10:03

For what it's worth I had a massive panic the first time I found out I was pregnant, even though we'd been trying for months.

Original poster

TigerJoy · 17/09/2019 10:03

yeah I didn't want to get into it, but there are very good reasons from my perspective why we didn't try before, which is why we're only trying now.

He has been reluctant but I honestly think it's foot-dragging and he'll be ok in the long run. I know him, and we've talked about it, and I've said I'm more than happy to do this on my own, and I don't want him to be a reluctant parent - that's not fair on the little one. I HOPE he is just freaking out but I've said I'm happy to use a sperm donor.

Hadn't thought about the cup idea - might give that a go...

OP posts:

namechangedbecauseithinkiabu · 17/09/2019 10:09

I clicked YABU but actually I don’t know - I’m reconsidering. On the one hand you do seem pushy in your post and there’s nothing worse than being pressured for sex when you can’t be arsed! On the other hand I do get where you’re coming from and why it’s upsetting for you. I think the only thing you can do is talk to him honestly, explain how you feel and find out if he actually wants this baby as much as you do

ratatata · 17/09/2019 10:09

At first I was saying YABU, you’re probably just stressing him out or pressuring him but having read the update, I think it’s quite obvious he doesn’t want a baby

AllNewDay · 17/09/2019 10:21

First of all, read "Taking Charge of your Fetility" - by the sounds of it you are not tracking you cycle just entering your period in an app and it magically gives you a fertile window. For some women, the second half of their menstrual cycle becomes shorter as they become older, so changes are you have been timing sex too early the past few months.

Second, there are good reason for why many relationship therapists often recommend to "just have sex", even if you are not necessarily in the mood for it. Mostly because people get in the mood during and because it tends to be a good thing for relationships. i don't mean forcing anyone to have sex but after 2 weeks "not being in the mood" and not making any effort to get in the mood would piss me off if it is a regular thing.

AllNewDay · 17/09/2019 10:22

changes = chances, argh, my brain today

AgentJohnson · 17/09/2019 11:26

He has been reluctant but I honestly think it's foot-dragging and he'll be ok in the long run.

What are you basing your “he'll be ok in the long run” on? It is foolish to base you hopes on a future version of him that hasn’t shown any signs of appearing.

Actions speak louder than words and you don’t appear to be listening. I totally understand your feelings but I think you are trying to mould this man into something he isn’t.

The cup option is a desperate short term work around for a very long term problem, don’t do it.

Original poster

TigerJoy · 17/09/2019 12:19

@CrystalShark I know it doesn't have to be twice a day but I wasn't about to say no when it was offered! thanks for the hint on the subreddit. I've not found the TTC stuff here very helpful - I've honestly tried to balance giving a good go of it without getting too obsessed or stressed about it, as stress has a massive impact on fertility. I'd hoped it might be a helpful approach. The increased sex has been good for our relationship in general, too.

We've been talking about TTC for years, we have really gone round the houses, seen a relationship therapist, the bloody works, and apparently we're going to have YET ANOTHER conversation about it tonight.

I've based my assumption on things will be alright on what he's said about wanting a family, and also what I know about his anxieties about certain things in life in general that this is playing into. And how when he gets into it he forgets the previous anxiety. E.g. He freaked out about us moving in together, and now he loves it and wouldn't have it any other way.

OP posts:

CrystalShark · 17/09/2019 12:37

I actually found that throwing myself into TTC full throttle meant I wasn’t stressed about it. Because I knew I was doing everything I could to get pregnant and the outcome would therefore be down to chance and luck, nothing I could influence more than I already was!

I went for it from day one: app to track predicted fertile window and sex, OPKs, sperm friendly lube, prenatal vitamins, and silly old wives tales I knew weren’t really important but made me feel good emotionally (like keeping my bum in the air for a while after haha). I’d have been a lot more stressed trying to force myself to be super casual and ‘let’s see how it goes’ as it just wasn’t me or how I felt: I wanted to be pregnant ASAP and knew with a blocked tube and endo it was already statistically gonna be harder than for a fully healthy couple so I wanted to maximise our chances. And that was super relaxing funnily enough. Knowing there was nothing more to do on my end.

Stress and fertility can be linked but not as much as you think anyway. Women get pregnant in war zones, from sexual assaults, during traumatic life periods. At 41 I really would caution against trying for a casual middle ground. You don’t have the time. Go for it. Depending on how your talk goes tonight anyway. Doesn’t sound promising tbh. It’s one thing that he had doubts about living with you and ended up liking it, it’s another kettle of fish trying for a child. He could always have moved back out but you can’t undo a baby. I really worry you’re gonna end up with an unwilling reluctant father, if you can conceive. Your emotional sense of security and stability is important too.

OrchidInTheSun · 17/09/2019 12:39

OP - you are acting like you're trying to catch a wild animal here rather than having an equal adult relationship. You don't have time to faff around waiting for him to feel ready.

You are in very real danger of ending up without a child at all. If you'd be happy with that, then keep on with what you're doing. If you're not, then I think you need to take decisive action. Are you going to resent him if, in 5 years' time, you have had several failed attempts at ivf under your belt, you have no more eggs left and you're looking at expensive double donation as you approach 50?

Sorry, I know that's a bleak scenario but it's a likely outcome if you keep on this same trajectory

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