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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this was a really shitty thing to do?

140 replies

reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 18:19

I am from another country and haven't seen anyone in my family for about 5 years. I knew one of my sisters was going on her travels to a few European countries but just found out that she is in London for 2 days as a stopover. She hadn't told me.

I messaged her and asked if she was in London and she said it was a last-minute plan to do the stopover and she didn't want to make it difficult for me to come down on the train (only a few hrs away). She then said "if it's not too last minute, is there any way you could come for a quick coffee? I know its a stretch". I thought about it and, even though I suppose it's cutting my nose off to spite my face, Its a bit much for me at this late stage. he leaves Sunday evening. If she had given me a week's notice even, I could have come just for 20 minutes and then pottered around London for the day. Then there would also be the feeling that she "was caught out" and just didn't want me to even know she was here and obviously didn't want to see me.
I am looking at all sorts of pictures of her catching up with all of her friends in London,
I probably should have gone, but I am so upset at this. AIBU to think that was a real shitty thing to do?

OP posts:

TabbyMumz · 16/09/2019 07:51

I have a brother who moved a few hours drive away, years ago. I used to visit a lot, go for weekends, but as the years have gone on, the travel seems a lot with kids and husband in tow, so we haven't been for years, and he travels home to see family often, so we see him then. Every time we go on holiday that might be an hour away, we get comments of "dont you want to drop in to see us"....but it's never just dropping in, it would take an hours travel each way, and a good few hours visit, often quite late, as you cant just leave after an hour can you . The dynamics are different with family in tow. So we've stopped telling them when we go anywhere near now, so as not to upset and it doesnt eat into holiday time. I feel a bit for your Sister in this situation. She might be your Sister, but she has a husband who might not want to have his trip eaten into by family.

zingally · 16/09/2019 09:30

Thinking from friends POV... You say you are "a couple of hours" away on the train... That's a long way in my opinion! I don't think she's unreasonable in her thought process of "oh, that's a long way for OP to come down, just to see little old me..."

I'm actually in a similar situation as the friend. In November I'm going to be in a good friend's city (about 2.5 hours drive from mine) for a performance of a really niche and strange musical I happen to like, done by an (I think) amateur group.
I actually don't even want the whole chat from her of why I'm going to see it, etc etc, that I'm seriously considering not even telling her I'm coming.
Would she be a bit pissed I came to her city and didn't even tell her? Possibly-bordering on-probably. Do I care? Not really, actually.
I just want to quietly arrive, see the show, and quietly leave again. I don't really want "social friend time" on this occasion.

Original poster

reallyveryupset · 16/09/2019 09:58

@zingally this is my sister, not just a friend

OP posts:

jwpetal · 16/09/2019 11:49

I would be very hurt. If I am given notice, I would meet my family for a couple hours. It does sound like there is something else behind this. I am sorry. It is wiorth telling her that you were hurt. Good luck

Aderyn19 · 16/09/2019 12:17

So what are people supposed to do if they are Australian and fall in love with someone from the UK? Wherever they live, it will be away from one of their families.
I think it's terrible not to tell your own sister that you are visiting the country she lives in and then let her find out via Facebook.

TabbyMumz · 16/09/2019 13:10

OP, do you think because you are the one who moved away and haven't been able to visit home for a while, that you put more of an importance on family, than your Sister, who always has her family round her?

FelicisNox · 16/09/2019 13:56

I can see why you are upset.

I would email her and tell her how you feel and say it makes you feel very low that you are so low down on her list of priorities but be careful...because she may have a valid reason.

You don't state ages so I wonder if she's very young, but younger sisters often are the selfish ones in my experience so it may be that she just hasn't thought of it in the same context as you but I do agree it's a bit suspect that she didn't mention it at all.

Bottom line, she may be travelling around Europe but she's clearly not doing the "family thing" as she views it as too time consuming for her short window of time and I do understand that.

It may be that there is no right or wrong only what the motivation for her trip was vs how you feel.

Cohle · 16/09/2019 14:24

I think that by refusing to go to London you'll just have confirmed your sister's feelings that either you're not that close or that the trip was too long to ask of you. I don't think that you've handled this hugely well.

Ginger1982 · 16/09/2019 17:54

@Cohle what about the sister not even telling the OP she was in London in the first place? The sister is the one who hasn't handled it well.

EllenMP · 16/09/2019 17:57

Uh, yes, you are right to be upset. I think she didn't want to spend her time in the UK travelling up to visit you and didn't think it was reasonable to ask you to come to London from a few hours away to only spend a little time with you. It's shitty that she didn't want to make enough time for you to make it worth the journey, even just a full meal slot. (Coffee?WTF?)

I come from abroad too and I strongly suspect my brother comes to London on business and doesn't tell me. And I live in London. We have never had much of a relationship, but maybe we would now if I saw him more than once every five years... I'm sorry your sister has chosen this hurtful way to tell you she is a self-involved pain in the ass.

Cohle · 16/09/2019 19:03

Ginger1982 the OP can only control her response, not her sister's decisions. Of course her sister's behaviour was hurtful but the way the OP has chosen to react is, in my opinion, only going to cause further damage to the relationship.

scubadive · 17/09/2019 07:54

It’s a shame you didn’t tell your sister how hurt you were before she came... ‘ wow can you only fit me in for 20 mins, havn’t seven family for soooooo long I would have loved a proper catch up, feeling a but hurt’

I’m afraid by nit going and bottling up your feelings it’s a bit of cutting your nose of to spite your face, now feeling worse you’ve missed her. We’ve all done it but next time don’t wait to share feelings.

Think your sister had limited time, wanted to see friends, maybe you wouldn’t fit in with them, don’t know them, particularly with the age gap and so selfishly didn’t tell you so you wouldn’t feel ‘squeezed’ in. Easier fir her nit to deal with but sad for you and I feel your pain.

Damntheman · 17/09/2019 09:17

I live abroad from my family and admittedly don't always see my siblings if I'm in my home country. We are also many (7 in total) and it's just impossible to see them all AND my friends AND do all the things I want to do. I wouldn't be that hurt by this.

BUT I am only a 3 hour plane ride from my home country and I get to see even the siblings I see the least often every two years. 5 years without family contact is an awfully long time OP, I understand why you feel hurt.

HiJenny35 · 17/09/2019 09:43

You've lived here for 20 years, she's 15 years younger with no kids, haven't seen her for the last 5 years, only seen her 7 times in the last 20 years, so she's in her 30's and done nearly all of her growing up without you in her life where as you were already an adult when you left, it's very different the way you see her and the memories you have as her as a sister and helping raise her where as she was just a kid. The
holiday you have said has been planned for a long time, she wants to see all the sights, I can understand she felt difficult, seeing you would mean seeing the kids, a whole day would be difficult to say "travel down to see me for a cuppa" I'd take that at face value and it's her chance to see the London sights, hurtful yes but that's what she wanted to do.
They are all still your siblings but its different for them, they will talk face to face, know each others ups and downs you will only get mainly the good and very key events by only speaking on group chat.

What she did was hurtful but I'd take her reasoning of not wanting to ask you to travel down for a drink as truthful, if I was meeting my sister I'd need a good couple of hours, meeting an ex colleague or mate 30minutes catch up totally acceptable.
I think you need to think about developing relationships in a different way, group chat isn't a real relationship, FaceTime them once a month, you can see the face and kids can see them and start more 1-2-1 conversations so you can know how they actually are you'll never get that from a group chat.
It's not that she doesn't want to know you just that you've hardly seen each other in 20 years, I think you have to be realist about how much of a feature you can be in her life with such little contact.

roisinagusniamh · 17/09/2019 14:18

My sister did a similar thing. She actually had 3 days in London (an hour away from us)I suggested we meet up , she said she would not have time, but, of course, I discovered that they met had up with friends.
What hurt me was that she was so disinterested in getting our children together who are of a similar age.

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