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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this was a really shitty thing to do?

140 replies

reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 18:19

I am from another country and haven't seen anyone in my family for about 5 years. I knew one of my sisters was going on her travels to a few European countries but just found out that she is in London for 2 days as a stopover. She hadn't told me.

I messaged her and asked if she was in London and she said it was a last-minute plan to do the stopover and she didn't want to make it difficult for me to come down on the train (only a few hrs away). She then said "if it's not too last minute, is there any way you could come for a quick coffee? I know its a stretch". I thought about it and, even though I suppose it's cutting my nose off to spite my face, Its a bit much for me at this late stage. he leaves Sunday evening. If she had given me a week's notice even, I could have come just for 20 minutes and then pottered around London for the day. Then there would also be the feeling that she "was caught out" and just didn't want me to even know she was here and obviously didn't want to see me.
I am looking at all sorts of pictures of her catching up with all of her friends in London,
I probably should have gone, but I am so upset at this. AIBU to think that was a real shitty thing to do?

OP posts:
cleanasawhistle · 14/09/2019 19:29

So sorry for you op.
I would be upset if my sister did that

incognitomum · 14/09/2019 19:31

You're right to be upset Flowers

WonderWomansSpin · 14/09/2019 19:32

It would have been nice if she'd let you know. But perhaps from her pov, you chose to move to the UK and then haven't seen your family for 5 years. She might think that was deliberate.
And when she did give you the chance to catch up, you said no. So you're sending very mixed signals.

Original poster
reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 19:32

I'm afraid to say that I have taken her off my facebook for now as I am getting a bit upset with the pictures. I will wait to say something to her until her holiday is over. I will tell her how upset I was, No need to do it now when she is on the holiday, I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 19:34

But perhaps from her pov, you chose to move to the UK and then haven't seen your family for 5 years

I have lived here for 20 and have always been the one travelling home to see family but just havent been able to afford it recently.

OP posts:
Poing · 14/09/2019 19:34

We are in a similar situation here expat-wise. We are such a long way from home and it is so exciting when we see people coming all the way from Oz, that to have them ignore us in favour of other friends/things is quite painful. Especially if you thought more highly of your relationship than they obviously do.

I don't know what to suggest, OP, only that you should take it up with her when she is back home. Maybe she will be less defensive and more likely to be honest about it...

Either way, I would feel quite hurt and I believe you are not BU.

OneToughMudderFudder · 14/09/2019 19:35

That is shit OP. Flowers

5 years is a very long time to not see a sister who you have a reasonable relationship with. For most people in that situ, travelling from the other side of the world, they would have immediately contacted their sibling to make sure they were free when they were due to arrive. Not 'worry about inconveniencing them' after not even contacting them directly!

I suppose her seeing you, she would have been able to pass on that you were well and all that to the rest of the family back home as well.

YANBU. She has obviously lost any bond she previously had with you.

Reallynowdear · 14/09/2019 19:37

Oh OP, that's just crappy.

I thought you were going to mention an accessible European country, but Australia?

Completely understandable to be upset xx

Stroller15 · 14/09/2019 19:48

OP my dsis does exactly the same. I'm the only one in the UK but she never lets me know if she's stopping in London to see her friends. I think and agree it is completely shitty. I don't bother with her anymore, despite us never falling out or anything.

Original poster
reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 19:50

@Stroller15 that's so bad :( I don't think they realise how isolated and alone we can feel being so far from home.

OP posts:
BunnyColvin · 14/09/2019 20:00

It's understandable for you to be upset, but obviously you're not close siblings? She clearly doesn't think so anyway. It would be hard to make any comment about this without knowing how things have been historically.

CoinOperatedBoy · 14/09/2019 20:08

As harsh as it is to read OP - she didn't want to meet you.

She could have told you in advance so you could be there to meet her at the airport.

She told her friends because she planned to meet them.

Why couldn't you have been included in all that?

I'd find this hard to forgive tbh.

porkypine · 14/09/2019 20:17

I've gone through something very similar recently. You have my sympathy because it's shit.
My SIL lives abroad (different continent), and I have a very ill child, who since we saw her last, has had 3 surgeries. SIL pretends to be the doting aunt, but is in reality incredibly self serving (no kids of her own). My children worship her.
Imagine my surprise to see pictures on Facebook of her enjoying brunch with her friends, about an hour from our house. She didn't even tell us she was flying in.
Hurt doesn't even begin to cover it. Her niece went in for major surgery the following week and we have really struggled. I wish we would cut her tbh.

Original poster
reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 20:19

Oh @porkypine that's really shit :( Im so sorry.

OP posts:
ControversialFerret · 14/09/2019 20:19

For those saying that they have done similar because they've only had a short time and have wanted a holiday - I get it. But OP's sister quite happily arranged to meet up with various London-based friends whilst she was here. It was only the OP that she apparently didn't have time for.

Poing · 14/09/2019 20:24

I just remembered my brother, who I see very rarely, was nearby when I had had my first baby. I was still in hospital and thought he would come by for sure. I think I got an SMS from him and that was it. That still hurts years later.

headlock · 14/09/2019 20:29

I'd be hurt by this. No matter how brief the visit she should've contacted you unless you don't get along.
She's your sister and you've been away from family for a long time. 💐

forkfun · 14/09/2019 20:32

How incredibly hurtful. I would never dream of visiting my home country without making time to see my family. I don't always tell friends, especially if it's a short visit, but I always see my sister. I'd be so hurt if my sister came over here and didn't tell me. Nothing else to add other than you have every right to be upset.

Original poster
reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 20:36

Her parting message to me via IM was "Im sorry we couldn't make it work." That sounds like something you would say to a friend that you just don't have time to see due to having more important people to see.
I guess for her, the friends will always be more important than family.

OP posts:
hiphopchick · 14/09/2019 20:39

@reallyveryupset

Very upsetting and hurtful, and I cannot imagine any siblings who got on OK doing this to each other...

Seems like she is not very thoughtful, and is not as bothered about meeting up as you.

A cousin of my BFF moved to Thailand in late 2013, and she came to visit the UK (after 2 and a half years,) in early 2016. She stayed 3 weeks, and never bothered mentioning it. My friend found out when she saw the pics on facebook of her (some 70 miles away,) with old mates, and several extended family members..

She was so pissed off that she stopped contact with her, unfriended her on facebook, and blocked her on social media.

A bit extreme some may say, but my friend was hurt. The cousin never asked her why she ghosted her, and she has never spoken to her since.

YANBU to be upset. I would give her a wide berth to be honest..... She is obviously not arsed!

Dyrne · 14/09/2019 20:45

I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with prioritising friends over family.

As someone whose very close family members fucked off to the other side of the world, in my mind that was them very clearly saying how little they valued a close family relationship. Ever since then I have prioritised friends over them, as they were the ones to move away. When they come back here, I do not drop everything to spend all my time with them. If I have plans with others, i’ll carry on with that. If they wanted a closer relationship in my mind, they wouldn’t have made the decision to move away.

hiphopchick · 14/09/2019 20:49

@Dyrne

WOW, you sound so bitter and angry! Projecting much??? Confused

Original poster
reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 20:49

@Dyrne That's such a shame you feel that way.
I moved because my Husband is from here. It was a torturous and difficult decision to come here. I definitely didn't come to live here skipping happily off to the plane.

OP posts:
beanaseireann · 14/09/2019 20:50

I'dbe devastated reallyveryupset.
Do you have your own family in the UK ?
What age is your dsis?
Could it be the thoughtlessness of youth ? I ask clutching at straws.

Original poster
reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 20:51

@beanaseireann she is 15 years younger than me and has no kids. I have 2 kids and am in my 50's. So there's that.

OP posts:
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