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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this was a really shitty thing to do?

140 replies

reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 18:19

I am from another country and haven't seen anyone in my family for about 5 years. I knew one of my sisters was going on her travels to a few European countries but just found out that she is in London for 2 days as a stopover. She hadn't told me.

I messaged her and asked if she was in London and she said it was a last-minute plan to do the stopover and she didn't want to make it difficult for me to come down on the train (only a few hrs away). She then said "if it's not too last minute, is there any way you could come for a quick coffee? I know its a stretch". I thought about it and, even though I suppose it's cutting my nose off to spite my face, Its a bit much for me at this late stage. he leaves Sunday evening. If she had given me a week's notice even, I could have come just for 20 minutes and then pottered around London for the day. Then there would also be the feeling that she "was caught out" and just didn't want me to even know she was here and obviously didn't want to see me.
I am looking at all sorts of pictures of her catching up with all of her friends in London,
I probably should have gone, but I am so upset at this. AIBU to think that was a real shitty thing to do?

OP posts:

BunnyColvin · 14/09/2019 20:52

Just a gentle reminder: One side of the story here.

hiphopchick · 14/09/2019 20:53

What's that supposed to mean @BunnyColvin ?

Dyrne · 14/09/2019 20:54

WOW, you sound so bitter and angry! Projecting much??? confused

Yes, I am bitter. And angry. And OP’s sister could feel exactly the same way.

TheAlternativeTentacle · 14/09/2019 20:55

"Im sorry we couldn't make it work."

'Yes its hard to try and make things work when you keep it a secret that you are visiting the country i live in'

Original poster

reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 20:56

@BunnyColvin that's very true.
We have always got on, in fact, we rented together before I came to UK. I paid 2/3 and she paid 1/3. I was sort of a mother figure, being 15 years older. We have never rowed, never fallen out. We aren't the type of family to chat on the phone all the time but message and speak through social. There are 7 of us so we don't have extremely close one to one relationships. In fact, someone I know once remarked that we all "work as a collective" rather than as individuals. Guess not.

OP posts:

73Sunglasslover · 14/09/2019 20:58

*I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with prioritising friends over family.

As someone whose very close family members fucked off to the other side of the world, in my mind that was them very clearly saying how little they valued a close family relationship. Ever since then I have prioritised friends over them, as they were the ones to move away. When they come back here, I do not drop everything to spend all my time with them. If I have plans with others, i’ll carry on with that. If they wanted a closer relationship in my mind, they wouldn’t have made the decision to move away.*

Dyrne I am in exactly the same position as you. I have family who have moved to Australia. Permanently and with no actual connections there (different to OP). I see it exactly the same way as you. I completely disagree with the people having a go at you and calling you bitter and angry. If you see it the same as me there is no anger just a deep sadness that family were not more interested in continuing a relationship with you. To me now, family means nothing. That said I have a good relationship with one sister because were she not family, she would be a friend. That version of family is worth their weight in gold. But to expect someone to prioritise you just because you are 'family' is just something I can't get my head round - and not something my family would (except the sister I a close to) apply to me.

OP if you don't talk and only have contact via social media that is a very, very 'light' relationship. I would never put myself out to see someone I only have such a superficial relationship with. I can see that you're hurt and I think your sister is showing how much she values the relationship with her actions but it's not fair to cal her 'shitty' as she has not done anything wrong. I think the focus perhaps needs to be on how you can develop a meaningful relationship with such that next time she comes over she would see you as someone to prioritize seeing. I think it will be extremely hard given how little you see each other but I expect that if you have got on OK before there may be some hope of getting closer.

Original poster

reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 20:58

Or I could just be a megabitch and she hates me.

OP posts:

Rocketmanager · 14/09/2019 20:59

Are you the sister @BunnyColvin?
What a weird comment,especially as every single thread on mn is a one sided story.

Original poster

reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 20:59

@73Sunglasslover fair point

OP posts:

Bourbonbiccy · 14/09/2019 21:01

I don't know if I would call it shitty. I think it does maybe show that she wasn't really that interested in seeing you, which may be an upsetting realisation for you.
But equally you had the opportunity to see them but passed on it to prove a point, so not really the best response.

Original poster

reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 21:03

To be honest, even if I didn't have a close relationship with one of my sisters and I was visiting the country they were in alone, I would make a point of seeing them. I realise that she doesn't feel the same. And obviously doesn't see us as close enough.

OP posts:

BunnyColvin · 14/09/2019 21:03

Well in that case, if you felt you got on, it's strange.
But also, she possibly doesn't feel your relationship needs any contact other than the contact you already have, if you're all communicating often on SM?

Maybe it's just a phase in her life where she actually just is closer to friends and that might change in the future?

Frangible · 14/09/2019 21:03

OP, I think I’ve been on both sides of this, though the distances involved are not as big. I’m not close to my siblings, none of whom live in the same country as I do — no fillings out, but, like you, there’s a big age gap, and I left home while the younger ones were still small children, and have lived abroad my entire adult life — and sometimes when we’ve been in the same country (whoever is travelling) we’ve not always arranged to meet, purely because there are people we have a closer bond to that we want to see.

Is it something similar in your case?

Frangible · 14/09/2019 21:04

No FALLINGS out, not fillings out.

BunnyColvin · 14/09/2019 21:05

What a weird comment,especially as every single thread on mn is a one sided story

I just don't get everybody piling in to say it's awful when we have no idea of the backstory!? Not strange surely?

Anyway it seems like there's no major backstory but maybe a case of not having a lot in common right now, which might change in the future.

Original poster

reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 21:06

@Bourbonbiccy yes that's true. I guess didn't go because 1) I realise she didn't actually want to see me and only said "any chance of meeting for coffee,?I realise it a stretch" because I had "found out" she was here 2) I think the visit would have been tainted because of it.
I should have just got myself a last-minute train ticket and taken the kids and gone.

OP posts:

Original poster

reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 21:07

@Frangible that sounds relatable, for sure.

I appreciate everyone's views. It's good to think about how it may be from her POV.

OP posts:

Teddybear45 · 14/09/2019 21:08

I agree that this is hurtful. She should have at least told you in advance that she would be in London. Having said that asking you to meet for coffee when you live a couple of hours a way is NOT an unreasonable thing to suggest by Australian standards and you know it - I bet your Aussie family have travelled similar distances to see you when you have visited

Original poster

reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 21:09

@Teddybear45 No, they are all in one town and I visited them. No-one travelled to see me/us.

OP posts:

EL8888 · 14/09/2019 21:11

Yep it was a shitty thing to do. I know how it feels as my brother does this; lives abroad and comes to London but never sees me. I live just over an hour from London. I have even texted him to suggest a catch up when he’s around but he can’t even be bothered replying. My Mum now wonders why l don’t want to make the effort to see him. Hmm can’t think why!

BarbedBloom · 14/09/2019 21:12

I don't know if this is helpful or hurtful, but to some people friends are more important than family. I am closer to some friends than my sibling too if I am honest.

I think this would be very hurtful though and it does send a message about how she sees your relationship

headlock · 14/09/2019 21:13

I feel for you OP. My family have done occasional shitty thing like this. I was the only one to move away from home and there's been let downs and broken promises. But, if it helps, time heals. Maybe she doesn't think she's done anything wrong. (No excuse I know).
you should just tell her how hurt you feel and see what she says? Be honest with her. Perhaps she wasn't being malicious, just caught up in her own life. Doesn't stop it from being thoughtless and hurtful I know.

BarbedBloom · 14/09/2019 21:15

Just to add that I think the big age gap could be a factor here. My mum isn't very close to her sibling and there is about the same number of years between them. She loves them obviously, but they only really talk via social media too.

DrizzleKicks · 14/09/2019 21:16

I can see it from both sides, OP and I would be very hurt, too.

From those being bitter/angry about a family member moving abroad; how ridiculous. Sometimes life takes unexpected turns and even if you only see each other once in a blue moon, you make it count.

Family does count for something. It's important to keep those connections where and when you can.

I'd be hurt foremost that she didn't mention to you ages ago that she'd be in London, and let you know in good time. I would interpret her last-minute invitation as insincere to me, too.

It might just be that she honestly didn't think about it though; that she got caught up in arranging to meet friends and thought you were too far away. If you have a good history together relationship wise, I'd have a glass of wine and let myself feel bad for a bit, then give her the benefit of the doubt and try not to take it personally.

You may well feel a little better about it in a few days. and you're probably just be a nicer, more thoughtful person than your sister

Original poster

reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 21:16

The most eye-opening thing is that realising that the way you think things are sometimes just isn't well, the way you think things are!

OP posts:

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