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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this was a really shitty thing to do?

140 replies

reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 18:19

I am from another country and haven't seen anyone in my family for about 5 years. I knew one of my sisters was going on her travels to a few European countries but just found out that she is in London for 2 days as a stopover. She hadn't told me.

I messaged her and asked if she was in London and she said it was a last-minute plan to do the stopover and she didn't want to make it difficult for me to come down on the train (only a few hrs away). She then said "if it's not too last minute, is there any way you could come for a quick coffee? I know its a stretch". I thought about it and, even though I suppose it's cutting my nose off to spite my face, Its a bit much for me at this late stage. he leaves Sunday evening. If she had given me a week's notice even, I could have come just for 20 minutes and then pottered around London for the day. Then there would also be the feeling that she "was caught out" and just didn't want me to even know she was here and obviously didn't want to see me.
I am looking at all sorts of pictures of her catching up with all of her friends in London,
I probably should have gone, but I am so upset at this. AIBU to think that was a real shitty thing to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 21:18

If you have a good history together relationship-wise, I'd have a glass of wine and let myself feel bad for a bit, then give her the benefit of the doubt and try not to take it personally.

This.

Thanks. xx

OP posts:
hiphopchick · 14/09/2019 21:20

Well if the sister IS bitter and angry and pissy at the OP moving away, so much so that she cannot be fucked to meet up with her when she visits the country the sister moved to, then why not just make her feelings clear?!

The sister should just tell the OP that she is a selfish bitch, for having the audacity to do what she wants with her OWN life, and just go 'no contact,' instead of fucking about pretending she wants to 'meet for a coffee' when she is called out on her shitty behaviour.

By the way, I will add 'jealous,' to bitter, and angry (when it comes to several posters on here.) Wink

@barbedbloom

I think this would be very hurtful - and it does send a message about how she sees your relationship.

This ^

@reallyveryupset

Your sister has made her feelings clear about you. Clearly bitter and angry and pissed off with you for having the temerity to do what is best for you in your life, and is showing it by displaying this spiteful, hostile, toxic behaviour. Throwing a few crumbs of comfort by saying 'wanna meet for a coffee' when she was found out, is an insult. You did right to turn her down. Cheeky cow.

Just ghost her.

headlock · 14/09/2019 21:23

Also, I think as she's not been the one away from family for such a long time she can't empathise with you.

Iflyaway · 14/09/2019 21:24

Ah, that is shit behaviour from your sister OP.

I could get it if over from somewhere in Europe, or UK.. (,always nearer, catch up another time, etc.).

But Australia? 😯😭

NailsNeedDoing · 14/09/2019 21:25

I have been in a similar position to your sister, but not quite as far as Australia. A friend was upset with me for not visiting when I was in the same country for a couple of days. But this person lived hours away from where I was going to be, and there were things I wanted to see in the short space of time I had. I felt like it would have been really rude to say to my friend that despite travelling for hours to get to their country, I didn't want to travel a few more to see them. And then even more rude to say that if they wanted to, they could travel for a few hours to get to where I'd be and I'd be able to fit them for a coffee or quick lunch.

I would have liked to see my friend, but making a huge ask and then putting even more arrangements into an already tight timeframe just didn't seem worth it. I think you could be taking this more personally than it actually is. It's likely that it's all about how your sister feels about her holiday, rather than how she feels about you.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 14/09/2019 21:25

I was going to say that it all sounded rather last minute and ill thought out. However, then you said that she was travelling from Australia! Given the distance and cost I would definitely have expected her to have wanted a catch up. She could have given you a couple of days notice, even if v last minute. It asked you to join her for a couple of days in her travels around Europe. I think that, due to distance and possibly age, you have drifted apart (how old is she? If early twenties, she's prob just busy prioritizing living it up with her mates instead of family). If this is the case, you'll probably drift back closer again when you're all a bit older and start settling down. Once people have their own family they start to realise the importance of family again and become closer once more.

Dyrne · 14/09/2019 21:26

OP you moved away 20 years ago - she’s grown and developed her own life in that time, without you - what else were you expecting her to do?

I’m not sure why she’s a heinous bitch for not arranging to see you when inconvenient, but you can make exactly the same decision and it’s perfectly fine?

I’m going to leave this thread now because being insulted and called pissy for daring to be upset about family choosing to move away and being called awful things because i’m not willing to drop everything to see them when they deign to be available... (which, again, apparently the OP is completely justified at being upset when her sister does it to her - why is she not called “bitter, angry and jealous” for being upset her sister has her own life outside seeing her?)

SadOtter · 14/09/2019 21:28

You said you are a bit older than her, was she quite young when you moved away by any chance?

I have lots of siblings and the younger ones don't really remember me living at home, I visit regularly but its definitely not the same relationship they have with big brother, who only moved out recently, oldest brother moved out when I was little, he pops up at family events every few years but they don't really know him that well, the younger ones enjoy seeing us when they are together or it is me and oldest brother there but one on one I know they feel a bit awkward, they would definitely feel weird asking me to travel to meet up for a coffee.

Original poster
reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 21:29

@dyrne Im sorry you are so sad :( I dont think you are pissy at all.

I have been here 20 years but have visited home....at least 7 times in that time. Just not for the last 5 years .

OP posts:
73Sunglasslover · 14/09/2019 21:31

@DrizzleKicks

I'm not sure how helpful it it to start calling people names just because they see things differently than you. This won't be a conversation if people with differing view just start mud-slinging and insulting each other. Your opinion may appear ridiculous to others too. Perhaps they're just a bit nice and more thoughtful and so hold themselves back from posting that thought.

Family may count for something to you and that's fine but there's no law or rule that says it counts for something to everyone. It may be that your family have acted in ways that make you feel like family counts and other people's families haven't.

Bubbles121 · 14/09/2019 21:32

Oh OP I'm also originally from the other side of the world (not Aus though) and I would be gutted if one of my sisters did this, as they would be if I went home and didn't see them! You should have had the option to see her, and I completely understand why you are hurt, and I think you are doing the right thing by discussing how you feel once her holiday is over. That is showing her more thought than she has shown you.

Rachelle11 · 14/09/2019 21:34

I think she loves you, but yes it's different. You would have already been an adult when she was 4. Then you moved away in her early 20's. It's just different. She likely adores you and loves you, but if this trip was her big adventure with her friends and knowing you are a few hours from London she maybe thought she would inconvenience you, and she didn't have time to come out and visit you either.

I think the problem with unfriending her on facebook is that you have now sent a very strong message to her since that is where you communicate.

DrizzleKicks · 14/09/2019 21:36

Dyrne do you think you may be over-reacting a little? OP hasn't called her sister anything like 'heinous bitch' and hasn't expected her sister to drop anything for her; feeling upset because her sister didn't share her plans with her weeks ago and try to arrange a meet up is entirely reasonable.

And ignore the poster who advises 'ghost her'. If we all held grudges with friends or family over things like this, none of us would speak to each other at all.

The sister has been thoughtless, yes. Carried away with seeing friends and visiting London though, is somewhat understandable. It doesn't matter if OP moved away 5 decades ago or 5 minutes ago, OP clearly cares for her sister deeply to feel upset about it. It's hurtful when you feel rejected, whatever the reason or situation.

Original poster
reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 21:37

@Rachelle11 yes you are right. We mostly talk in a family group chat and on inst though. I just temporarily went off the fb one as I am seeing so many tagged shots with friends. It was a bit upsetting. But I do need to fix that, for sure.

OP posts:
73Sunglasslover · 14/09/2019 21:38

Drizzlekicks, some people feel rejected when family choose to move to the other side of the word. It's no less hurtful to them just because you don't approve of that reaction. The OP deserves some sympathy here but maybe so does the sister.

Original poster
reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 21:39

I am so grateful to everyone for being so kind and for giving me other viewpoints. And for even reading the thread! Thanks.
I have a lot to sort out, it seems,

OP posts:
DrizzleKicks · 14/09/2019 21:42

@73Sunglasslover what names have I called anyone?

It may be that your family have acted in ways that make you feel like family counts and other people's families haven't.

I come from a very broken, abusive family and have no blood relatives. Luckily I'm very happy with my life now but it's given me a unique perspective that only very few things are truly unforgivable and life is too short for grudges. Time heals a great deal, we can be so caught up in our own knee-jerk emotional pain than we do things we later regret, that's all.

But this thread is about the OP, who I hope is enjoying a deserved glass of wine and feeling a little better now.

Evilspiritgin · 14/09/2019 21:46

Did your sister live in the UK? Families are weird on mn, I wouldn’t be upset if my sister moved her family to Australia or New Zealand to make a better life for themselves , I would miss them yes but I would look forward to visiting them etc, I wouldn’t not bother with them if they came back on holiday that’s just childish.

NoisingUpNissan · 14/09/2019 21:55

OP going by what you say, you left Oz when she was a teenager and you were 30.... That's a huge age difference already never mind the distance.

If you've only ever seen her seven times in that period how do you expect to be close?

Genevieva · 14/09/2019 22:04

I think you should change your mind and arrange to go and see her. Even just for a quick coffee. But make sure you also think of something nice you want to do for you, so it is a dual purpose trip. It will clear the air. Otherwise you will have this unpleasant sense of upset hanging over you for ages.

BunnyColvin · 14/09/2019 22:08

hiphopchick chill. Life isn't always black and white.

Longlongsummer · 14/09/2019 22:09

Whilst you are hurt, you have choices:

  • unfriend her, cut her off etc and basically destroy your relationship with her.
  • pretend it didn’t affect you and seeth about it.
  • see it as a wake up call for both of you. Do you want to be closer? Decide what you want. Say it’s a shame that you would have loved to have seen her. Open a dialogue.
TabbyMumz · 14/09/2019 22:28

She was in London for 2 days and with her husband. They obviously had plans to see people and that didn't include you. Whilst I can understand you being upset....they only had 2 days.

WonderWomansSpin · 14/09/2019 23:16

If you all keep in touch on social media, it's odd you didn't know she was coming to the UK. Either everyone on the group chat deliberately didn't mention it or you don't actually talk to them often enough for it to have come up.
I think there's also a massive difference in attitude when the age gap is so large. I know myself and my siblings were brought up to prioritise family but ime the younger generation prioritise friends.

73Sunglasslover · 14/09/2019 23:25

@DrizzleKicks

You said "From those being bitter/angry about a family member moving abroad; how ridiculous". Saying people who see things differently are 'ridiculous' is name calling IMO.

In terms of your broken and abusive family. That's really shit. I feel for you. My family are also broken and abusive and also not there for me. Pretty much ever. Including when the abuse (inc sexual) was aimed at me. To dictate to me that 'family counts' when this is what my family has been is not very helpful IMHO. And we have no idea of what the shit has been in the OP's background so blanket rules such as that are maybe a little unhelpful. All we can really see is that the OP really wanted family to count as it totally gutted that her sister did not see it the same.