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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this was a really shitty thing to do?

140 replies

reallyveryupset · 14/09/2019 18:19

I am from another country and haven't seen anyone in my family for about 5 years. I knew one of my sisters was going on her travels to a few European countries but just found out that she is in London for 2 days as a stopover. She hadn't told me.

I messaged her and asked if she was in London and she said it was a last-minute plan to do the stopover and she didn't want to make it difficult for me to come down on the train (only a few hrs away). She then said "if it's not too last minute, is there any way you could come for a quick coffee? I know its a stretch". I thought about it and, even though I suppose it's cutting my nose off to spite my face, Its a bit much for me at this late stage. he leaves Sunday evening. If she had given me a week's notice even, I could have come just for 20 minutes and then pottered around London for the day. Then there would also be the feeling that she "was caught out" and just didn't want me to even know she was here and obviously didn't want to see me.
I am looking at all sorts of pictures of her catching up with all of her friends in London,
I probably should have gone, but I am so upset at this. AIBU to think that was a real shitty thing to do?

OP posts:
k1233 · 14/09/2019 23:27

Reallyveryupset - she sounds like my sister, but my sister is worse. Comes to same capital city that I live in, doesn't tell me she's here (this is ongoing over 20+ years now). If I happen to find out she's here, she never responds to suggestions to catch up - coffee, lunch etc. Only time I hear from her is if she needs somewhere to stay while waiting for a friend or she needs a lift for the 4hr round trip to my folks. I do the lift as otherwise my folks would have to do it - as I very pointedly said to my mother last time. Sister lives 2,000+ km away, so not local.

No idea what the problem is and I'm now way past caring. It's hurtful behaviour. It's deliberate. I used to try to catch up when her family were down, now I don't bother.

titnomatani · 14/09/2019 23:45

Lots of hugs OP. She's a cow for the way she's done this. I also understand how you're feeling- my siblings would do the same and I'm always the one making the effort to 'go back home'- they never visit. We live 3 hours away. Cut your losses and move on. X

Ginger1982 · 15/09/2019 08:49

@TabbyMumz you would think after 5 years though that seeing her only family who lives here would be a priority.

TabbyMumz · 15/09/2019 10:33

But the only have 2 days. And it's not just her, it's her husband too, who will want to be doing stuff, sightseeing etc. It doesn't sound like they've grown up close, the op has been in this Country for 20 years, and only visited home a few times Why should her Suster give up time out of her 2 days to visit her?

DrizzleKicks · 15/09/2019 10:44

Hope you're feeling better this morning OP!

expatinspain · 15/09/2019 18:11

I get how you feel OP. My sister has been to Spain for two holidays and never once thought to come to the area, or at least near the area, where I live so we can see each other. In fact both times, she couldn’t have booked further away. I live near some pretty common areas for Brits to holiday in Spain, so it’s not like I’m somewhere that would be unusual to visit. I’ve been back to the UK three times since I moved two years ago and saw her two of those times. The first time was to London and she lives up north, so I couldn’t make it that time.

Vivianebrookskoviak · 15/09/2019 19:23

Wow,that's really rude. I'd be fuming.

As you're family you should have been 1st on her list to see,not last. I think this does give you a clear indication of exactly where you stand with her though and how she views you.

If it was important to her she'd made the time as a priority and more than 20 minutes as you have to travel and she knows this.

Time to re-evaluate your relationship with her,it is really shitty.

Aridane · 15/09/2019 19:42

Bless you, OP - of course you are upset Flowers

Aridane · 15/09/2019 19:42

(and rubbing it in on social media)

Aridane · 15/09/2019 19:45

Reallyveryupset - she sounds like my sister, but my sister is worse. Comes to same capital city that I live in, doesn't tell me she's here (this is ongoing over 20+ years now). If I happen to find out she's here, she never responds to suggestions to catch up - coffee, lunch etc. Only time I hear from her is if she needs somewhere to stay while waiting for a friend or she needs a lift for the 4hr round trip to my folks. I do the lift as otherwise my folks would have to do it - as I very pointedly said to my mother last time. Sister lives 2,000+ km away, so not local

@k1233 - oh my goodness, I could have written the self same post Shock

TabbyMumz · 15/09/2019 20:13

The OP is the one who moved away and hasnt been home for 5 years, and her Sister is in the same Country for 2 days. I really dont see why she should use those 2 days to visit her Sister. Plus, she has her husband in tow, which makes the dynamics different. If she was there for longer than 2 days, yes, she could have tried to meet up, but 2 days!!!!.

ControversialFerret · 15/09/2019 20:36

I really dont see why she should use those 2 days to visit her Sister.

Read the OP. She said that she would have happily travelled to see her sister for a coffee or lunch, if she'd have known. She didn't expect her sister to travel to her - or to give up two days of her time. Her sister deliberately didn't tell her that she was going to be in the same country.

TabbyMumz · 15/09/2019 20:46

Perhaps her Sister didn't tell her she was coming to the same Country because she only had 2 days and a busy itinerary for her and her husband and didn't want to use some of that very limited time to see her Sister, and perhaps her husband didn't want to either.

TabbyMumz · 15/09/2019 20:50

Dont forget, the OP hasnt visited her Sister for 5 years!!!! I dont thaink you are obliged to see family, just because you visit the same Country.

Ginger1982 · 15/09/2019 20:56

@TabbyMumz yes but the OP said she had made all the trips home and that family hadn't visited her and that she couldn't afford to go back home in the last 5 years.

It sounds as though the fact that the sister was only here for 2 days means she had no intention of seeing her sister which I think is sad.

TabbyMumz · 15/09/2019 21:04

She should make all the trips home, she's the one who moved away.

ControversialFerret · 15/09/2019 21:10

She should make all the trips home, she's the one who moved away.

And if one of her relatives happens to visit the country where she is, she shouldn't be at all hurt if they can't be bothered to even tell her that they are going to be here? Seems very one-sided to me. I wonder how OP's family would feel if she went back to Australia for a visit and didn't bother to tell them that she was there?

lily2403 · 15/09/2019 21:14

I would be upset Flowers

Ginger1982 · 15/09/2019 21:18

"She should make all the trips home, she's the one who moved away."

Nobody could visit her, not even once, in 20 years??

Notodontidae · 15/09/2019 21:37

The circumstances of the stop-over are unclear, she wouldn't want to upset friends in London, who were presumably in close proximity. The relationship with your sister is more special, and she would not have wanted to heap you in with her friends. Stop feeling put-out, why haven't you visited her, probably finances and personal circumstance prevented it. For all you know, she may be planning a longer stay to visit you later on in the year, or may well have wondered why you haven't made the effort to see her.

TabbyMumz · 15/09/2019 21:37

It's not like she moved a couple of hours away, or say, from the UK to Europe, where you could possibly expect family to visit her once in a while...she moved to the other side of the world..from Australia to somewhere in the UK. That's a pretty long way to expect family to travel to you and a pretty expensive trip.

Ginger1982 · 15/09/2019 21:52

@TabbyMumz so you honestly don't think that having not seen your sister in 5 years, because she couldn't afford to go home, and knowing that you were going to be in the same country you wouldn't make some effort to see her for even half an hour?

I guess we just have to agree to disagree.

ashtrayheart · 15/09/2019 21:59

I can see why you would be hurt but I don't think your sister has been unreasonable tbh. Siblings aren't necessarily close and often not as close as friends- especially if there's a big age and lifestyle difference.

Original poster
reallyveryupset · 16/09/2019 06:56

@TabbyMumz In the 20 years, I have been back and forth. The first few years was in making the decision to come for "the longer term". It was a horrendous decision-making period. So, on and off for 20 , but full time maybe 15, "all up". Anyone who has done the long-distance thing would relate. It just was "cleaner" to say 20 years as that was the first time I came here.

Then, once here "for good", I have flown over around maybe 7 times. Twice with newborns in tow. In fact, 7 times in that many years is quite a lot and very expensive for a family.

The reason I haven't been for 5 years is because the last time we went for a longer visit and haven't been able to afford the flights, rental car, expenses and accommodation for a family of 4 for a while. Especially with school holiday prices.

To be honest, I have always done the travelling and would never "expect" anyone to jump on a plane just to see me, like I have always done for them BUT to keep it a secret that way is a bit mean .

OP posts:
TabbyMumz · 16/09/2019 07:33

OP, I think she was really trying to spare your feelings, to not upset you. I think she would have been in a bit of a bind, perhaps her husband arranged the trip as he wanted to see London and with only having 2 days, didn't have time to meet up with you. Perhaps they thought meeting up would turn into a whole day thing and before you know it, that's their time all taken up. Plus, you said it would take you a few hours to get there. I really think you need to cut her some slack here, it's not just her, it's her husband too.