School always calls me first to collect DS

[Xraydog]

This is despite the fact that 90% of the time its DH who drops him off and pick him up. The secretary is well aware that it is DH who does most of the school stuff as DH is on the PTA. DH's work is just a little bit more flexible than mine and he works fewer hours. It's a small school.

DS is 10yo and they don't need to call often but it's always me they call.

I mentioned to DH that I considered this to be an unconscious bias that perhaps should be raised with them. DH says I'm being ridiculous and that legally I'm more important as a parent so they are obliged to call me first.

I have asked school to call DH as I can't make it a couple of times but mainly I do drop everything and go and collect DS.

AIBU to think that the school is demonstrating an unconscious or even conscious bias in assuming that the mother is more likely to be able to come and collect the child early?

I did actually ask the receptionist why it was always me and she didn't have an answer.

Maybe because they just one sheet for both your kids?

Just because you filled 2 in, doesnt mean they use each one for the child you filled it in for. A case of 'oh that's Xs sibling, just sue same contact form'

Really? The school have made contact with a parent to pick up a child. It is then up to the parents to arrange who picks up, you don't tell them to go call the other parent! What if they can't contact your dh, do they then need to phone you back and ask what to do next?

I agree. As if school havent got anything better to do. Especially when it appears ops is the the primary contact.

This used to bother me too. My job is clinical and I can't get away. DH's work is more flexible (and was part time) so he could get away if needed.

Despite informing the school of this repeatedly, they still used to call me first.

Schools are strapped for cash so could you rather save them some money for more important resources by just hitting “forward” on the email?

Yeah, I do. In fact we have a generic email address that we both get to our phones to get around it.

I just thinking it’s unbelievable that a system DESIGNED & SOLD FOR PARENT-SCHOOL COMUNICATIONS is set up so that only 1 parent can be contacted without an additional cost.

In this day and age that’s bollocks. Apparently even the software designers and product retailers haven’t even thought a child might benefit from having both parents involved.

There’s bias everywhere. Without challenging it - and asking schools to challenge it, as they’re the ones buying the software - nothing will change.

I don’t want to cost schools money. But I did think their response was poor - all schools should know it’s important to involve both parents and getting dads to contribute is often hard. They acted like it was an unreasonable request.

My husband is down as first contact for the primary school- the majority of the time they contact him - the few times I've been rung first it's because the kids know I'm off that day (work shifts) and they will say that mum is at home and can get to them sooner - we live on the same street as the school.

I think I'm down as second and his aunt as third contact

@Tilltheendoftheline

Not the case. They rang me just this week to confirm my eldest had got on an after-school club.

Called me back a minute later to tell me about my youngest. They had to open a second file.

“legally I'm more important as a parent so they are obliged to call me first.”

What????? Where in earth has he got that idea from?

I would say “thanks for letting me know, I’ll check whether his Dad can come and get him”.

All you have to do is pass the message on. And if you see it is the school calling and don’t answer then they surely will try him?

I wouldn't be at all surprised to hear the school have to pay more for extra e-mails. Our school ususia text messaging servo e and we are limited to a certain number of characters per text as well as a limit on the number of numbers we can message. Many services for schools are charged in blocks of users and each time you go up a block, become a lot more expensive.

I do think that there is a tendency for some school staff to assi assume that the mother is to be called first. DH works 10 minutes away from school and can generally drop everything. I work 40 minutes away and cannot always dash straight off. Despite DH being priority contact they always called me. On one occasion they couldn't get in touch with me, so skipped contacting DH and called the emergency contact because they "didn't want to disturb him at work"

I just have the emergency contact 1 as DH and this doesn’t happen unless they can’t get hold of him. Just ask them to change it?

A lot of primary schools in particular do have a bias. A friend had her DH as first contact and herself down as second. The school kept calling her, never her husband. She complained, but this was ignored.

Finally, she was called out of an important meeting to take a call from the school, as they had been calling repeatedly. The school wanted her to take the child's PE kit in 🙄

She asked them if they had called her husband. They hadn't. She told them he was first contact for a reason and they could call him right then. She put the phone down and told the admin not to take any more calls from the school that day.

OK, her son might have had a problem in not having kit, but she'd tried many ways to stop the school defaulting to calling her, despite not being the primary contact.

This is interesting. As a teacher, I'd just call the primary contact, regardless of whether or not it was a man or a woman. I'm astounded there are schools where the woman is called first, regardless. My DH is a SAHD and is likely to be in the future when DS starts school. We'll probably put him as the primary contact and I will be very interested to see who they contact when they need to.

Oh, I know where the pliers are AND how to use them, Quissum. Honestly, though, I doubt whether I would have come up with the same ingenious solution as DH.

Plus of course I was at the other end of the county at the time, earning the money to keep the roof over everyone's heads and food in their bellies.

Tbf to the school, if they have assumed that is, it’s is more often than not the mother who does daytime childcare.

Mine calls me mrs oh’s surname even though on everything I am miss mysurname but tbf, most parents at the school are married so I guess they just assume!

Mine also rings me first and if oh is on nights I usually just call him and say go pick up whichever kid I’ll be home when I can!

Should be the mother.

My son's nursery have just mother and father on the forms - I switched our numbers the last time we updated them because they would call me 20 times before trying him and I am less likely (because my office has a lot of meetings in the basement) to have phone reception

I usually get phoned too, if I’m at work - nurse I can’t r the phone if it’s my mobile so they’d call dad as if I’m on he’s off and will pick whoever up and vice Versa. Sometimes they call dad if my son tells them he’s picking them up, I’ve no idea who is first on the list as long as someone picks up the child?!

DP is first contact and they still call me. It's not unconscious bias, it's conscious!

I checked with the school, we are both primary contacts there is no priority on the system. The secretary insisted that she simply asks DS who is collecting him on that day then rings them. So it seems that it is DS’s fault . Funnily enough DS is usually surprised when I collect him as he just always expects it to be DH.

Another example of similar bias last week - I have been arranging a mortgage. I have done all the work, collected all the paper work and spoken to the advisor exclusively. I earn the majority of the income so will be paying most of the mortgage. So who does the mortgage company call to discuss the fine details? FFS my name and number appears first on the list of contacts but they call DH to clarify that I’m not a delusional woman, I assume

Ringdonna

Should be the mother.

Why?

I've never heard this before, they used to call us in order of priority.

Me, then dh, then ds1 are down for my dd emergency contacts.
So they call me first.

Think you just need to ask the school to change it. My sons school calls my mum not me as I'm at work.

Xraydog I actually find that hard to believe. The vast majority of primaries use SIMS, and that has contact priority order. I'd be stunned if a school chose a different system that didn't. Out of interest, how big is the school?

If this is actually the case then tell the school that their form needs changing because loads of kids at school have two mums or two dads or only see one parent. I'd be surprised if the form said this as not just contacts and relationship to child. It's a non issue, phone up and say you want the dad to be the first contact.

Quissum, I have no idea what SIMS is. The secretary showed me the screen on the PC with DS’s contact details. There isn’t a primary contact just parent name 1 and parent name 2. There are 20 children in DS’s year so, as I said in the OP, it is a small school.
Hijenny, it wouldn’t make any difference if it was same sex parents it is simply asking for names and contact details not what sex they are.
If she is just asking DS who is due to collect him on any given day I don’t really have an issue with that, DS should know. It just seems to be coincidence that it’s always me