School always calls me first to collect DS

[Xraydog]

This is despite the fact that 90% of the time its DH who drops him off and pick him up. The secretary is well aware that it is DH who does most of the school stuff as DH is on the PTA. DH's work is just a little bit more flexible than mine and he works fewer hours. It's a small school.

DS is 10yo and they don't need to call often but it's always me they call.

I mentioned to DH that I considered this to be an unconscious bias that perhaps should be raised with them. DH says I'm being ridiculous and that legally I'm more important as a parent so they are obliged to call me first.

I have asked school to call DH as I can't make it a couple of times but mainly I do drop everything and go and collect DS.

AIBU to think that the school is demonstrating an unconscious or even conscious bias in assuming that the mother is more likely to be able to come and collect the child early?

Our school would always call the person at the top of the emergency contact list ... alter it so he is at the top. And tell them to follow it if you already have.

Its several years since I filled out the contact info.

Most schools ask parents to confirm contact information held is correct and current once a year.

By which I mean that that do an annual is this info correct check.

Not that the details only have to be correct once a year

Those people who are 'shocked' that schools ask for mother and father - that's because schools need to know who's got legal parental responsibility - which is a separate issue to who is first contact. Of course, in care situations or where the parents have died, there might be another legal guardian, and the form should allow for this. But in the vast majority of cases, either the mother only or the mother and father are the ones with PR. But I agree that the form should not then assume that the mother is first contact.

We get a form at the start of every school year.
It asks for contacts and they ring in that order. I am at the top but can't answer my phone at work.
But if I got a call and wasn't the closest I would ring whoever was, usually not DH as he works miles away, but the third contact is my parents who would go.

But DS can always tell them who is likely to be around.

This begins with the fact that it is the mother who is more likely to have sat down and filled the forms in. And therefore put their own name down first. Because arranging school stuff, childcare etc seems to fall to the default parent more, and guess who that is 90% of the time?

Agree with others is done on the order of the form. I worked this out with my daughter at nursery, I was filling in the form so put me first. I am a teacher so not easy to get in the middle of the day, so requested they called husband first as he can take calls. With son I put details down the other way and never had an issue, have done the same with school!

I sometimes get asked to phone parents to pick yo their dc. You will be the first number on the list. However as I work in secondary I do ask the student if they know which parent is best to contact first. As it might be a dps day off or one might be away or something. Also they might say both parents are working phone a dgp who is actually number 4 on the list

Those people who are 'shocked' that schools ask for mother and father - that's because schools need to know who's got legal parental responsibility - which is a separate issue to who is first contact.
Our system just says if they are parent/grandparent/relative/guardian .

I think a PP had it right that whoever filled in the form probably put themselves first followed by DH/DW and that's the order it's gone on the system.

DH was always first contact for DCs at primary school due to my job making me unable to access my phone at work. They would always ring my mobile first, then ring the home number, then my husband.... I gave up trying to explain to the school that we had filled out the forms with DH as first contact for a reason! We interpreted as innate sexism, but I have encountered so much innate sexism over my school and working life I may be seeing things that aren't there.

DH says I'm being ridiculous and that legally I'm more important as a parent so they are obliged to call me first.

There's only one party displaying (un)conscious bias here, and it's certainly not the school!

'legally I'm more important as a parent so they are obliged to call me first.'

This is a bizarre statement.
What does he mean?
Sounds like the sort of thing a father's for justice thing would say

The many forms I've filled over the years for our four children have all made it plain the contacts should be in priority order. Doesn't matter if they've been for school, scouts, swimming whatever.
DH filled in one of DS1's secondary school forms and put himself first, they rang him first when DS was ill.

@SimonJT

I had this problem with pre-school, I wqs the only parental (male) contact available on their system. My cousin (female) is a second emergency contact who is only to be called if for some reason I don’t answer. I have personally seen this on my sons SIMS page.

Despite this without fail any time he was ill, they had a concern etc they called my cousin. Every single time I pointed out exactly what it said on SIMS but it didn’t make the slightest difference.

Glad I'm not the only man this happens to. When we first took DD#1 to playgroup/nursery the staff there seemed totally unable to ask me ANY questions. Everything was directed at my wife despite it being made plain, several times during the conversation, that she was in full time employment and it was me - the only male over 4 years old in the room - who was the stay at home parent.

I was the one who knew more about her daily routine, food likes and dislikes etc. etc.. but EVERY question was directed at my wife.

I was in fucking tears at the end of it. I think that was the first time I really understood - emotionally rather than just on an intellectual level - what feminism was actually about.

@SimonJT Wow, that's ridiculous. I would have pushed them harder to explain why they didn't phone the first contact name on the priority list as they presumably do for everyone else. Make them give you a reason.

Maybe it's one particular receptionist? Or maybe it's a more widespread issue. Either way, they need to sort it.

One of the issues is that parents don't generally understand about legal parental responsibility. So although they can ask for grandma, sister or whoever to be first contact, they don't understand why that same person can't also do certain things like sign a trip consent form. It's particularly an issue where parents have remarried and want their new partner to have equal 'rights' (or specifically don't want their ex to be involved). However clear you try to make your admission form, people will always get confused about PR and contact priority.

@TheSandman sorry you had that experience.

I know DH has had similar.

And one of things I love about him, and actually his male colleagues, is that they're all so hands-on as parents. One of the older male colleagues told me I was lucky that DH would babysit so I could go out with the girls, I didn't get chance to respond before DH corrected him that it's not babysitting, and I'm definitely not lucky that he does equal parenting.

Upthread someone said it's always the women that fill out the paperwork....sadly this is largely true. But in my family, definitely not the case. It's whoever remembers. Usually him actually.

We really really need to work on changing this level of "accepted".

Simon, Sandman 💐
Bloody outrageous discrimination

Just ask them to call him first. It's not difficult

Simon, I sympathise. I changed our school's form so that it asked who the first contact should be. Previously it had assumed it should be the mother unless the parent specifically requested otherwise. It made me really cross! I'd say it is still the mother about 90-95% of the time - but not always.

It is bias. Even worse, your DH is displaying it despite being the one who does most at school!

legally I'm more important as a parent

Ask him what he meant? I assume DC is both yours, and not a step-parent situation?

I get mad with school about not being able to set up 2 emails on their system for the parent mail stuff, newsletters etc. Apparently it costs too much. I asked them what divorced parents do - they didn’t know, they ‘assumed they worked it out between them’. Terrible attitude to equality from the places teaching the next generation.

soontobe60 I’m with you, I don’t get the need for such a drama or even this thread. Just phone him if it’s better for him to do pick up.
If it happens so rarely what really is the problem.

OP the school office must think you pick holes in everything

I get mad with school about not being able to set up 2 emails on their system for the parent mail stuff, newsletters etc. Apparently it costs too much

Schools are strapped for cash so could you rather save them some money for more important resources by just hitting “forward” on the email?

Apparently it costs too much.

It costs too much to cc an email??????

To be fair Sandman the electronic system they use may not work like the average email

I say may- maybe they are just chancers I dunno