School always calls me first to collect DS

[Xraydog]

This is despite the fact that 90% of the time its DH who drops him off and pick him up. The secretary is well aware that it is DH who does most of the school stuff as DH is on the PTA. DH's work is just a little bit more flexible than mine and he works fewer hours. It's a small school.

DS is 10yo and they don't need to call often but it's always me they call.

I mentioned to DH that I considered this to be an unconscious bias that perhaps should be raised with them. DH says I'm being ridiculous and that legally I'm more important as a parent so they are obliged to call me first.

I have asked school to call DH as I can't make it a couple of times but mainly I do drop everything and go and collect DS.

AIBU to think that the school is demonstrating an unconscious or even conscious bias in assuming that the mother is more likely to be able to come and collect the child early?

It's not about CCing, most comms now are done through an online system. If they do use Parentmail, though, it's rubbish that it costs more to include two email addresses, so you can call them on that! It would cost more if they're sending texts though.

I get mad with school about not being able to set up 2 emails on their system for the parent mail stuff, newsletters etc.
Apparently it costs too much
It will depend on the system. I believe that the account is for the child and everything for that child goes through their contact account so to speak (eg sports letters will only go to specific students/ detention letters etc)

It's hardly asking much for two parents to communicate.

I disagree, Lola, I think it is too much to ask. Let's say two parents share childcare (both are working PT). If only one gets the messages (let's say the mum), then what happens when a last minute comm is sent out to say that football is cancelled after school that day, but she's in a meeting that day so can't check her phone? I don't think it's too much to ask for both parents to get that message. I've never come across a comms system where additional emails aren't free.

I get mad with school about not being able to set up 2 emails on their system for the parent mail stuff, newsletters etc. Apparently it costs too much

This was an issue with dbro when he divorced and his ex refused to communicate. He repeatedly called the school to ask to be cc’d. Sometimes it’d work for a few weeks then she’d just fill in another “contact details” form and he’d be take off again.

Interestingly at one parents eve the school tried to tell him that they legally couldn’t speak to him without the ex present.

Took a solicitors letter to point out that in that case they also couldn’t speak to ex without him present as they were both legal guardians with PR.

It would appear it’s not just o/p’s dh with the ridiculous notion that mum is “legally most important”.

But one of them would surely know if they're the main contact and the school coms system has a main point of contact or they've only put one email in? So they'd plan accordingly.

It all depends on what system they have. At the end of the day, the child has two parents. For example, we use parentmail and it has an app which can go on both parents phones and both would get it if they chose to get the app. I have no idea how we set up out parentmail but signing into the app in one account is an easy way to both get the message.

Usually if this last minute cancellation of things our student admin staff call home and there's still staff on site to supervise.
In the event of an emergency nothing would go through parent mail as it would be direct phonecall

I'd challenge the school. Ask for a note to be made on his form to stop the mix up. Not fair on your DS who might have to wait longer whilst in pain/ill because of it.

@Bluebluezoo

Took a solicitors letter to point out that in that case they also couldn’t speak to ex without him present as they were both legal guardians with PR

Wow! I know I shouldn't praise someone for doing what they should and being a good dad but my god I wish my kids dad cared as much as he does!! Mine doesn't even ask what's happening at their school.

I was once told by the school secretary that she wouldn't ring my husband as he might be teaching one of his classes at the time
She would just ring until she got hold of me
I pointed out that I also worked full time and might not answer the phone as I might be seeing patients
Apparently disturbing me doing that wasn't a problem

I'd challenge the school. Ask for a note to be made on his form to stop the mix up
There isn't a mix up. The OP said they hadn't told school to make DH the primary contact.
What is there to challenge: you failed to read our minds and call the person we want you to call first.

All they need to do is ask the school to out DH as primary contact. Problem solved.

LolaSmiles Sorry I assumed he was down as primary contact. I've missed a post somewhere.

My DC school are similar. Mother, father then alternative contacts. The alternative can be given preference. DC1 has me as primary contact, which is fine because I'd be the one dealing with it. What we can't fathom is how they decided DH should be DC2 primary contact. It has resulted in two receptionists phoning each of us before. Also leaving a voicemail for DH and when he doesn't respond going directly down the list rather than calling me.

Lola, ours is a big school, and a last minute cancellation might affect 50-100 families. No way the admin staff would have time to make that many phone calls. It's a fair point about both parents using the Parentmail app, but that doesn't work so well with separated parents who nmight not be keen to share logins. Generally, adding a second contact email to all future comms is literally a one minute job, I don't see why a school wouldn't be happy to do it.

Just ring / email the school on Monday and ask them to change DH to no 1 contact. It is not an assumption, just the order you would have put on the original form. Not a big deal.

We just had our home visit by DD reception teacher and she asked if there was anything she should know about our family set up.

I said that DH was SAHD half the week so on those days it would make sense for them to ring him for any issues, esp as I often have to have my phone off at work.

"Don't worry, our rule is, we always call mum first, but if we can't reach mum we try dad."

Okeydoke then !

Re School Comms/email systems and cc -ing there are safeguarding issues to be taken into account so that some software is only set up to email the primary contact.

Johnny, I think there are sadly quite a few schools who still operate like this. So by all means OP should go in and change the contact priority, but it doesn't always mean it happens in practice! At my old school the Head and secretary never wanted to phone parents' mobiles because they thought it would cost more (it didn't) and because they didn't want to 'disturb' people. Never mind the fact that well over half the families joining our school now don't even have a landline number, let alone prioritise it.

Your name will be first on the list, the school deal with hundreds of parents and the receptionist won’t be aware who drops off and picks up. Stop looking for ingrained sexism and just see it as what it is, an annoying mistake.

Actually this thread has just reminded me of a friend of mine a few years ago, who finally persuaded her son's school (after many attempts) to phone her SAH husband first if the child was ill. However, they still phoned her too straight afterwards. It was like they couldn't believe that any mother could bear not to know straight away if her child was sick. Can you imagine a school doing the same thing with a dad, if the mum was first contact? These gender imbalances are so entrenched and run so deep.

Still a lot of unconscious (and fully conscious!) bias around determining who gets interrupted by school. Men's time and work commitment is more revered and women's is eminently interruptable.

We had this way back with DD2, first weeks in secondary. My job took me all over the county, DH was actually unemployed, at home and within walking distance, DD told the desk to ring dad, not mum. Who got called?!

I won't tell you why she needed to come home. Wait, I will...

Long hair, mucking around at lunchtime with friend with 360° brush, ended up with brush handle sticking out by her ear and brush head impossibly entangled deep in by her scalp. Desk person told DD she would get scissors and cut it out! No chance. When DH finally knew to pick her up, he took her to the toolshed, sat her down and dismantled the brush with pliers bristle by bristle until the handle could be removed and the debris gently and painstakingly brushed out.

Dad love.

Yup, still masses of ingrained sexism in schools. To be fair, PTAs are just as bad - the 'are there any dads who could help with the BBQ/bonfire' email every year at fireworks night gets my back up too.

That's lucky nearlygranny, you probably wouldn't have known where the pliers lived...

I work 2 hours away from DD's school. DH works 5 minutes away. DH is first on the list and we have made the reason why clear. They call me Every. Single. Time. I find it pretty unbelievable, not to mention depressing.

When the school have called you in the past, have you really asked them to call your husband instead? You didn’t think to call him yourself? Unless you have a job where you are mid-surgery with scalpel in hand (in which case, of course, you wouldn’t even be able to answer the phone) then why would you do this? The school staff are not your PAs. This is your own child they are calling to talk about - not some inconvenience.

I have asked school to call DH as I can't make it a couple of times

Really? The school have made contact with a parent to pick up a child. It is then up to the parents to arrange who picks up, you don't tell them to go call the other parent! What if they can't contact your dh, do they then need to phone you back and ask what to do next?

Ridiculous.

@LannieDuck There is just the one receptionist in the pre-school/nursery, so she knows who to call, she’s just an arse.