School always calls me first to collect DS

[Xraydog]

This is despite the fact that 90% of the time its DH who drops him off and pick him up. The secretary is well aware that it is DH who does most of the school stuff as DH is on the PTA. DH's work is just a little bit more flexible than mine and he works fewer hours. It's a small school.

DS is 10yo and they don't need to call often but it's always me they call.

I mentioned to DH that I considered this to be an unconscious bias that perhaps should be raised with them. DH says I'm being ridiculous and that legally I'm more important as a parent so they are obliged to call me first.

I have asked school to call DH as I can't make it a couple of times but mainly I do drop everything and go and collect DS.

AIBU to think that the school is demonstrating an unconscious or even conscious bias in assuming that the mother is more likely to be able to come and collect the child early?

Ask them to put dh as number 1 in the priority list. I did the same as I do not yet drive so in an emergency dh can get to them quicker. He also does the majority of drop offs when I am working.

I had this problem with pre-school, I wqs the only parental (male) contact available on their system. My cousin (female) is a second emergency contact who is only to be called if for some reason I don’t answer. I have personally seen this on my sons SIMS page.

Despite this without fail any time he was ill, they had a concern etc they called my cousin. Every single time I pointed out exactly what it said on SIMS but it didn’t make the slightest difference.

At the time of filling out the form we were new to the area with no friends or family close by. It only has our contact details on it.

Your husband is wrong about you being legally more important unless he doesn't have parental responsibility.

DH says I'm being ridiculous and that legally I'm more important as a parent so they are obliged to call me first.

This is the most ridiculous part if your post. Does your dh expect you to make the bulk of parenting decisions and do the majority of child related work too?

He needs to get that notion out of his head.

I’m very purposefully second on the emergency contact list for school and after school care to try and even up the domestic load. they always call me first and then I end up calling my husband if I can’t make it. I get all the school texts and email updates/newsletters and he doesn’t, I forward them on. I also repeatedly asked our cleaner and cleaning company to have DH as main contact and communicate with him, i’ve never met our cleaner, he has several times, all requests for new mops/ changes to times etc still come to me . Good that many posters’ schools follow prioritisation of contacts, but no doubt this kind of bias exists in my experience.

DH says I'm being ridiculous and that legally I'm more important as a parent so they are obliged to call me first.

DH is being VU here.

IME schools have a priority for calling that the parents have chosen - they have called my DH when I wasn't available and they needed a quick OK for something.

YABU if you haven't even contacted the school to check who is the priority contact, OP!

occasionally had to ask them to call DH instead
You dont call him yourself?

When you fill in school forms, you more than likely filled in your details as parent one and parent two.

Then a separate emergency contact form that the office have and start at the top.

DS has me at the top, with my work mobile as I always have it on. Then is dsdad, my mum, my dad etc

I would be stunned if it asked for "Mother" and then "father" on the form you filled in. It would have been "primary" and then 'secondary". Just ask for it to be swapped and for a note to be put on your DCs file to call DH first

I didn’t think about the order I put the numbers in when we filled the form.
I’ll ask the school to change it and see if the bias disappears.

DH is a very equal parent and partner it was a very odd thing for him to say. I think he was just trying to defuse me as I can get a bit militant about this sort of thing

We have to put emergency contacts in a list. Dp is 1st (his work is closer and more flexible) and yet I am always called. I absolutely think it is unconscious sexism.

If you are contacted can you not just contact DH after to do the pick up? That’s what we do depending on who is closest/at work

I think you're right that they do this. But, just tell them what you want. Then, if they do otherwise, you have reason to think it's a choice they're making.

What on earth does your DH mean about you being 'legally the most important parent'??? That's not unconsious bias, that's conscious and deliberate.

But also, why do you 'drop everything' rather than call your DH? I think you need to decide what you actually want to happen in these situations.

OP I feel your pain. DS school is the same. No matter how many times both DH and I tell them, they still try to contact me first.
It’s really frustrating as I don’t get mobile signal in my office (this has been explained repeatedly) and I don’t drive. Whereas DH usually has signal and drives and works closer. So in an emergency he could be there much quicker than I can. But they will always call me first and inevitably when I don’t answer, they call DH. What a waste of time!!

Most schools use a SIMs system, and it has first contact and second contact.

When you filled in those forms all those years ago, you must have put your details down first. I doubt they would have had ‘mother/father’ due to some children not having a mother, or a father, or having two of one etc

Your DH is right you shouldn’t get militant about it. I have no idea why you haven’t just said to the school before this if it has been a problem.

legally I'm more important as a parent
What does this even mean? I'm not a lawyer but I have doubts about the excistance of such law

So he decided to defuse your militancy by saying something really odd
When you filled it in you would have put yourself first and at the top. If you didn’t answer (I have accidentally done so) it moves down the list so DH was rung
If he should be first put him first

We just call the numbers in order on the form.
Ours don't say mother/father, just parent/guardian/other - it then asks for the relationship to child.

Of course mothers aren't legally the more important contact. If you ever split up, your DH might regret ever suggesting that that is the case.

Most schools use a SIMs system, and it has first contact and second contact.
This
I ring whichever number is displayed in student view as the main contact. If I can't can't through then I pull up the page with all contacts on and work down the list as required.

It's a bit like seeking to be offended to argue unconscious bias when the school haven't been told to call DH first.

is it possible your son asks for you to be rung?

I too am shocked that you tell the school to phone your DH when you're too busy to get there! You bloody phone him! Office staff are not your PAs 😱

Ohhh I tested this theory.

Two kids.

Dd1 has me as priority contact.

Dd2 has dh.

Guess who gets all texts/calls/emails about both the girls? Me!

I did actually ask the receptionist why it was always me and she didn't have an answer.

Neither of us do drop off/collection
And both of us are fairly flexible but more often DH is closer than me if we needed to get there quickly.