To not wear a baby on board badge

[mangobutter]

I know I'm not being unreasonable but people are doing my head in about this.

Live in London, made it through one pregnancy without needing a badge to tell people about it. Very grateful that I didn't suffer too much beyond a bad back and hips and never had a problem asking if I needed a seat which wasn't often.

Pregnant again and colleagues and friends keep asking me where's my badge, will I get a badge, telling me I should have one in my bag just in case (in case what, I lose my voice and ability to communicate?) and one colleague in particular getting a bit het up saying I don't want to get bumped. Unless someone pushes me under a train or down an escalator I'm sure me and baby will be fine!!

I have an irrational hatred of the bloody badges anyway as just see too many women passive aggressively staring/sighing at people or getting upset when no-one immediately jumps up to offer them a seat - despite not actually asking for one - and they feel really entitled to me. Obviously that's my personal opinion and I'd never say that to anyone in real life, don't really give a crap if someone wants to wear one, and of course totally recognise that many will suffer greatly during pregnancy with a whole host of unpleasant symptoms, aches, pains etc and have differing levels of confidence / different types of commute.

I'm just sick of people bloody going on about it!!! Possibly I am being unreasonable in how riled this has got me and I guess it's better than the usual 'was it planned' question and weird bump-touching that I remember from last time

YANBU to wear one but you are v v v judgey re those who do. I’ve commutes through two pregnancies. And been MASSIVE both times. I’ve worn them. I have zero issue asking for a seat but tbh the tube and trains (I have both on my commute) are so busy that sometimes, massive or not - people can’t see. The badge makes it easier to identify. ESP when it’s rammed and you can’t physically ask someone for a seat as you can’t see the seats...

Tell your colleagues to do one, but please don’t judge those who wear them. Depending on where and how long you commute for they’re a life saver.
Plus when you’re massively emotional and exhausted sometimes you just don’t have the capacity to start asking “I can’t see your huge bump even though it’s right in front of me” commuters for a seat.

You are very much NOT being unreasonable! I have never heard of or seen these badges and only learned of their existence on Mumsnet and I am being very unreasonable I’m sure but I find the idea of them unbearably cringe, naff and pretty pointless. I’ve never seen one but unless they’re literally enormous I can’t imagine the general public even read them or notice them? I understand the idea behind them but 1) I don’t go round shoving people at random anyway, whether they have a badge on or not and 2) if I were the type to go round shoving people at random I probably wouldn’t carefully check them for badges first and 3) if I am sat on a train or bus I’m normally reading a book or looking at my phone and not carefully observing every new passenger to see if they’ve got a badge on and 4) even if I was looking to see if they had a badge I probably wouldn’t be able to read it anyway because I normally forget my glasses and 5) I’m guessing if someone doesn’t want to give up their seat they can just pretend not to notice the badge even if they did see it.

Anyway. That’s my long winded way of saying YANBU. I am pregnant too and I wouldn’t wear one.

As women, I wish we could support other women instead of looking for every opportunity to judge their behaviour and accuse them of 'passively aggressively staring/sighing' (very likely just trying not to puke/pass out).

Look, there's always the one who spoils it for the many, right? I've witnessed entitled and PA behaviour by people wearing badges, yes it might have been because they were feeling ill, but they could just say that instead of getting annoyed that noone has noticed their badge, probably because everyone else is too wrapped up in their own life. Most people keep their eyes firmly down on my tube!

I've also been shoved out of the way - while pregnant myself - by a pregnant woman loudly drawing attention to her badge and berating fellow passengers for not immediately offering her a seat. Yes, she was probably having a shit day. She was probably also a bit of a dick. I'm not saying that's the norm by any stretch! However, on a personal level I don't want to associate myself with that type of behaviour by wearing a badge. That's just me personally and as I say I don't care what others do, and don't judge them for it on a day to day basis unless they're acting like tools

And yes, by apply I just meant fill in a go, same thing no?

Fill in a form, sorry!

Also, if im honest, I think they’re quite frankly rude. Giving up a seat to a pregnant person is a lovely, kind and polite thing to do. And I say that as a pregnant person who is struggling to walk or stand due to a horribly painful condition. If someone stands up for me on public transport, I think they’re lovely as so many people don’t! I think if you expect this kind behavior from your fellow citizens who may well have their own illnesses, their own aches and pains, their own unseen disabilities, or just feel like shit after a long day - then you should at least have some manners and politeness too, and maybe bother to nicely ask them for a seat rather than just feel entitled to one because you have a badge on. I have social anxiety and know that’s approaching strangers is difficult but I also feel like manners work both ways and I wouldn’t feel comfortable just strutting around feeling like I’m entitled to special treatment just because I’ve got a badge on.

Plus when you’re massively emotional and exhausted sometimes you just don’t have the capacity to start asking “I can’t see your huge bump even though it’s right in front of me” commuters for a seat.

I guess my point is that person can see you're pregnant but being pregnant doesn't necessarily mean you automatically need a seat, iykwim? I commutes until 39 weeks last time and gave birth a couple of days later but while I was uncomfortable I personally didn't need a seat (sitting was just an painful at that point). So while it was lovely when people offered, I'd have preferred to ask if I actually needed it. Again, I realise that's just me and as I've said many, many times on this thread I recognise that we're all different. I might sound a bit contradictory but I really don't judge people on a day to day basis wearing the badges. However those whose behaviour I have found a bit crap, I have judged a bit I guess and don't personally want people thinking I'm 'one of those'. Hence my personal reasons for not wanting to wear a badge which was the point of my thread in the first place. They just seem to have become a standard thing to wear in London regardless of actual need (based entirely on my personal experience of friends and acquaintances who've worn them).

This is fascinating and hilarious! The people in that there London are given badges to wear when pregnant 😂 is this actually a thing?!

Given that you’re commenting on the fourth page of a thread about said badges, you should have really worked out by now that they are indeed ‘a thing’ 🙄

"Look, there's always the one who spoils it for the many, right? I've witnessed entitled and PA behaviour by people wearing badges, yes it might have been because they were feeling ill, but they could just say that instead of getting annoyed that noone has noticed their badge, probably because everyone else is too wrapped up in their own life. Most people keep their eyes firmly down on my tube!"

A lot of women don't have the confidence to speak up, especially women from poor backgrounds, women who aren't in a racial majority etc.

" However, on a personal level I don't want to associate myself with that type of behaviour by wearing a badge"

That's as ridiculous as saying that all black people are the same or all gay people are the same. You sound like a judgemental prick tbh OP. You say most people keep their head down on your tube? Clearly not you if you have time to take in all these sighing staring PA women.

I don't live in the UK, we have the badge and the vast majority of people support it and pregnant women love it. I'm amazed that so many people here think it's a bad idea. I think British women are so shit at standing up for their rights sometimes. If you feel fine, don't wear the badge. No harm done. Otherwise, why wouldn't you support women who do need to sit down, whether she's a moaning bastard or not? I don't support women on the basis of their personality or mood, I don't judge whether they're nice enough to be invited to sit down, I just try to help other women where I can. No need to be a dick about it.

Actually they (and the Please Offer me a Seat badges) aren’t just confined to London. New York, Dublin, Manchester and Newcastle. ScotRail are trialing badges.

I guess my point is that person can see you're pregnant but being pregnant doesn't necessarily mean you automatically need a seat, iykwim?

This. For me the baby on board badge thing just informs me you’re pregnant. It doesn’t tell me anything about how you’re feeling, whether you may be in need of the seat more than 80 year old Doris or little jimmy who has ASD.

I actually felt better standing. Sitting down pushed my bump into my lungs and stomach and made it hard to breathe and nauseous.

If you are pregnant and need a seat. Ask. Those badges come across as entitled to me- they’re expecting a seat purely because you’re pregnant, even if you’re fit and well. It may result in someone who actually does need the seat more giving way.

I actually felt better standing. Sitting down pushed my bump into my lungs and stomach and made it hard to breathe and nauseous. If you are pregnant and need a seat. Ask. Those badges come across as entitled to me

So surely if someone feels better standing, they can say so when offered the seat? If the argument is that you should just ask, surely you can also refuse when offered?

@LiveInAHidingPlace completely agree 👏🏼

I found I didn't really need a seat whilst visibly pregnant. I felt awful in my first 3 months when I wasn't showing, I felt fine in my 2nd trimester and by the time I was flagging in my 3rd, I was already off work. If you don't want one, don't wear one

A badge I have never ever heard of that when u said badge I thought u meant the ones u put in cars that's strange and I also wld never wear one

It does clear up the whole fat or pregnant problem.

This is why I don’t wear one. I am fat AND pregnant! I can imagine people looking at me and thinking “bloody chancer she’s just fat!”

So surely if someone feels better standing, they can say so when offered the seat? If the argument is that you should just ask, surely you can also refuse when offered?

I did

My point was being offered a seat soley due to pregnancy isn’t always fair. Some women do feel fine and are capable if standing. They shouldn’t be taking seats away from others who may need it more purely because they are pregnant.

I had an elderly man with a walking stick stand up for me once. Took quite a conversation to reassure him i was fine standing.

YANBU. Where has this culture of badges come from?

I went to a networking event recently and there were stickers for your name,
your pronouns (fuck off),
whether it was your first time,
how much you wanted to speak to
people

The end result was a complicated little colourful badge. It's like people have got used to emojis and have forgotten how to interact in real life.

@LiveInAHidingPlace I've said multiple times that I support people who wear them, always offer seats, and don't judge the majority of people. I also said it's a minority of people who've given me my IRRATIONAL hatred of the badges. I've even called myself a twat. But sure, it's the same as me judging all black or gay people

Again for those who've missed my many updates: I UNDERSTAND PEOPLE ARE ALL DIFFERENT AND FULLY SUPPORT ANYONE WHO WANTS TO WEAR A BADGE. I personally don't want to and was just getting peeved by the seeking assumption amongst people of my personal acquaintance who seem to think it's a prerequisite.

And no, I don't keep my head down on the tube. Because I'm a considerate commuter who looks out for anyone who might need help, whether they're pregnant, female, male, disabled, elderly, young or just looks like they're having a shit day. My point was simply that most people don't seem to look up, and everyone could do with being a bit more thoughtful.

Just respond, “no I don’t feel I need one”... and get on with your day. Surely that’s not too much of a problem for someone who proclaims her assertiveness! No need to get so het up or judgemental.

As a commuter I’m a huge fan. They signal “Yes I’m pregnant not fat” “yes I would like a seat if one’s on offer please”. Because it’s a badge you can have it on display when you need it and not when you don’t. Having once cheerily offered a seat to a young woman who was just wearing an unflattering dress and ruined her day I’m never ever doing that again. I don’t care whether you’re shaped like Mr Greedy: if you don’t have a badge I’m not spontaneously offering you a seat.

Asking is fine in theory but some days it really is too much stress at the end of the day, and you need to go through the whole rigmarole of finding a group of people to ask in a general way so you’re not asking the young man in a suit whose muscular dystrophy you can’t see (a mate of mine is in this situation and very sensitive about it so I’m always paranoid) and sometimes you do get aggro from misogynists.

you should have really worked out by now that they are indeed ‘a thing’ 🙄

Apparently it is. It's absolutely ridiculous though. I don't buy the "women can't stand up for themselves" nonsense.

Are we really infantilising actual adults (who are going to be responsible for a child) to this extent?

My point was being offered a seat soley due to pregnancy isn’t always fair. Some women do feel fine and are capable if standing. They shouldn’t be taking seats away from others who may need it more purely because they are pregnant.

The badges don’t force other commuters to get up and force the pregnant woman to sit down. If you feel fine, say “no thanks” to the seat or just don’t wear it. If you’re elderly or disabled, don’t offer your seat up. It’s really very simple.

Just respond, “no I don’t feel I need one”... and get on with your day. Surely that’s not too much of a problem for someone who proclaims her assertiveness! No need to get so het up or judgemental.

Oh I know. What can I say - I was VERY bored last night I'm not actually tearing my hair out over this, but it's made for interesting discussion so hey!

Also back to the pp who compared this to me judging people of a particular ethnic background or sexual orientation, wearing a badge is a choice, as is the behaviour you demonstrate to fellow human beings. Yes, I'll judge your behaviour if you're acting like a twat. By no means do I apply this to all women, all pregnant women, or all pregnant women wearing a badge.

I intended this fairly light heartedly but I appreciate it's touched a nerve! Should have just started a P&C parking thread instead...

My point was being offered a seat soley due to pregnancy isn’t always fair. Some women do feel fine and are capable if standing. They shouldn’t be taking seats away from others who may need it more purely because they are pregnant.

You’ve just completely contradicted yourself.

Kind of sounds like this thread is more about your judgment of other people wearing the badges than anything else.

Of course you aren't obliged to wear one and I'm glad you're comfortable advocating for yourself if you don't get offered a seat. But the badges are a useful thing for women who don't have that confidence or feel the need to justify their request. So you do you, and let other people get on with what works for them.