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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not wear a baby on board badge

146 replies

mangobutter · 13/09/2019 20:38

I know I'm not being unreasonable but people are doing my head in about this.

Live in London, made it through one pregnancy without needing a badge to tell people about it. Very grateful that I didn't suffer too much beyond a bad back and hips and never had a problem asking if I needed a seat which wasn't often.

Pregnant again and colleagues and friends keep asking me where's my badge, will I get a badge, telling me I should have one in my bag just in case (in case what, I lose my voice and ability to communicate?) and one colleague in particular getting a bit het up saying I don't want to get bumped. Unless someone pushes me under a train or down an escalator I'm sure me and baby will be fine!!

I have an irrational hatred of the bloody badges anyway as just see too many women passive aggressively staring/sighing at people or getting upset when no-one immediately jumps up to offer them a seat - despite not actually asking for one - and they feel really entitled to me. Obviously that's my personal opinion and I'd never say that to anyone in real life, don't really give a crap if someone wants to wear one, and of course totally recognise that many will suffer greatly during pregnancy with a whole host of unpleasant symptoms, aches, pains etc and have differing levels of confidence / different types of commute.

I'm just sick of people bloody going on about it!!! Possibly I am being unreasonable in how riled this has got me and I guess it's better than the usual 'was it planned' question and weird bump-touching that I remember from last time

OP posts:

Original poster

mangobutter · 13/09/2019 22:04

@BettyIsABoy that happened to me last time too! Maybe that's where my irrational rage has come from

OP posts:

QueenAtBalmoral · 13/09/2019 22:09

Get a badge just to send it to me in Scotland to add to my badge collection!!!

SEL7 · 13/09/2019 22:13

I’m right with you. Live in London, pregnant with second and refuse to wear a badge. I prefer to rely on the general human decency of fellow travellers (which I’ve had no issues with) or just stand!

Original poster

mangobutter · 13/09/2019 22:16

@QueenAtBalmoral haha, would be happy to do that! Would have to swallow my pride when applying of course

OP posts:

OpenYourEyes · 13/09/2019 22:16

I have never seen these badges being a northerner. They sound a bit passive aggressive to me.

OpenYourEyes · 13/09/2019 22:18

Have just googled and they are quite small. I am not sure I pay enough attention to strangers that I would actually notice it.

Ivyleaf4 · 13/09/2019 22:22

My responses to seat offerings were:
I did this to myself
Since when was pregnancy a disability
Are you sure I'm pregnant and not just eating too much cake
You look like you're further along than I am

Argh see this is why I would be very wary about offering someone a seat if they weren't wearing the badge!

It's not just pregnancy, I think those new "please offer me a seat" badges for people with hidden disabilities etc are good too.

Userzzzzz · 13/09/2019 22:26

breadwidow I’m quite shocked no-one ever told you. Both times it was plastered over my notes and the midwives emphasised the circs when I’d need to go in. They also suggested making sure it was on the emergency info on my phone in case of an accident. I had a fall in one pregnancy and was in for hours because of all the faff around administering blood products.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 13/09/2019 22:28

I also didn't wear one, but I do think that, beyond the obvious stuff of the luck involved in how easy or hard your pregnancy is (mine was an absolute walk in the park), there are also other factors, including some privilege, in how much you might find you 'need' a badge. My hypothesis based on a lot of observation is that people, both men and women, are much nicer to pregnant women who are white, reasonably attractive, thin (partially but I suspect not entirely because it makes the bump easier to see), well dressed and in their late 20s or early 30s. Some lines of the tube are also much friendlier than others. So you might find it less necessary because people are just nicer to you without it than there are to some other pregnant women.

Original poster

mangobutter · 13/09/2019 22:35

@LisaSimpsonsbff I've observed that too and it's something else that pisses me off. Mostly the women I see wearing the badge tend to be white, look fairly middle class (totally accept this isn't something I can judge just by looking but hey, I've already painted myself in a bad light this evening...) and are well turned out etc.

I think something else that bothers me, again because of my personality, is that I don't want anyone else who needs their seat to feel pressured to offer it to me even if I haven't asked for it.

For the most part, I'm fairly short and didn't have a big bump last time (probably similar this time although I'm only 4 months right now) so I just tried to hide it as much as possible so people didn't feel they had to offer in the first place.

Although a gentleman offered me his seat the other day and insisted even though I declined, and I was having a shit morning and my back was hurting a lot and that little act of kindness made me cry - I can definitely see the appeal in getting multiple acts of kindness every day by dint of wearing the badge!

OP posts:

AuroraBor · 13/09/2019 22:44

I wear a badge instead of asking for a seat precisely because hidden disabilities exist and don't want to put someone in a position where they have to say "no" or feel awkward about it. My badge is visible to all around me, they can see I'm indeed pregnant not just fat and if anyone feels like giving me their seat - great!

Usually I happily offer my seat to someone pregnant, disabled or just very tired looking, but I also suffer from migraines. Several times I've been explicitly asked to give up my seat during an attack. It's no fun saying no and justifying myself while trying not to vomit or pass out and getting nasty looks and comments in my direction.

QueenAtBalmoral · 13/09/2019 22:53

@mangobutter I didn't realise you had to apply. I thought you'd just rock up to a ticket office, point at your bump then put your hand out and wait for a badge!

I'd want one just for the novelty value.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 13/09/2019 22:56

I wear a badge instead of asking for a seat precisely because hidden disabilities exist and don't want to put someone in a position where they have to say "no" or feel awkward about it.

The few times I had to ask (as I said, I was lucky and had a very physically easy pregnancy) I just asked the air, loudly, rather than a specific person to get round that. I always got multiple people jumping up. It is harder to do on a very packed train, but then people are also less likely to spot a badge in a real crush.

EvilPostbox · 13/09/2019 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LillyLeaf · 13/09/2019 23:04

As someone going through infertility and miscarriages I can spot these badges a mile off. They make my commute miserable, I must see at least 10 every morning. It's not the women's fault obviously, totally up to her to wear one but if I ever get pregnant again I won't wear one (I absolutely know my feelings are ridiculous but infertility sucks).

LisaSimpsonsbff · 13/09/2019 23:12

Lilly. I had three miscarriages before DS and I remember a pregnant woman looking at me pointedly to give her my seat a few days after the third one, and just looking away while thinking 'no way, you already have everything'. Not my finest moment, but as you say fertility stuff can make you pretty crazy.

HeroicAlien · 13/09/2019 23:19

I used to have the odd random woman who would ask other people to stand up for me when I was obviously pregnant. And hated it - if I'd needed a seat I'd have asked for it. Being pregnant didn't given me a divine right to a seat if I felt fine.

I was genuinely fine - did a round trip of a couple of miles each day to the station and actually went into labour while on a long walk round Richmond Park.

YANBU - as long as you aren't going to bitch about people not giving up their seat just do what works for you.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 13/09/2019 23:35

It’s fine if you’re not bothered about being offered a seat - but if you do want one, grow up and wear the badge.

Remember, the badge is not just for you - it’s for your fellow commuters too. Like others on this thread, I have offered seats to women who were just fat, leaving us both mortified. I also don’t sit for my whole 35-minute commute staring agog in case I see a woman who might be pregnant and might need a seat. However, if I look up and see that instantly recognisable flash of blue and white, I can ask the question. The wider concept, including ‘Please offer me a seat’ badges, also negates the hidden disability issue.

You say the badges are passive aggressive. Is it not more passive aggressive to ignore a system most commuters are very familiar with just because you don’t like it!?

DappledThings · 13/09/2019 23:41

Is it not more passive aggressive to ignore a system most commuters are very familiar with just because you don’t like it!?

I don't ignore it. If I see someone who I think needs a seat I will offer it. If that happens to be someone wearing the badge I will do it just with an internal eye roll judging their apparent inability to just ask and consider them to be PA.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 13/09/2019 23:59

Frankly that’s ridiculous - and rude.

Expressedways · 14/09/2019 00:13

I wore one. I didn’t get particularly big, I was also pregnant during winter so wearing a bulky coat and it really wasn’t obvious . I fainted twice at Canada Water station, standing was a real issue for me due to low blood pressure and it’s much easier to wear a badge than announce loudly to the carriage you’re pregnant and need a seat. I also wouldn’t want to put anyone in an awkward position by asking as you can’t tell who has a hidden disability. Far easier to wear a badge, should you need a seat, and then those that are able to stand will (hopefully) offer their seat.
OP, your colleagues are being silly though, if you feel like you’re fine without one then crack on!

Tiggerslovetobounce · 14/09/2019 00:14

I didn't think I'd wear one and didn't really like them but I found it useful as my commute necessitated travel in a busy train. Often no room to get to seats but it meant people were less shovey and gave me a bit more standing room. Also difficult to see a bump in the crowd so people expected me and my twin baby belly to be taking up less room. So I found it useful in that respect.

MaryShelley1818 · 14/09/2019 00:20

Oh dear....as a Northerner I find this very strange! Definitely wouldn’t have worn one myself but each to their own.

TomHagenMakesMyBosomTremble · 14/09/2019 00:21

If you don't want to wear one it's up to you. I always think they're of most use in early pregnancy, in case of complications- ie if you fainted on the tube v early on, ppl would realise and include that info. Also handy for early morning sickness.

That said, I love my "Please Offer Me A Seat" badge because it talks for me, most of the time at least, especially as I don't "look sick". Although occasionally people assume I'm pregnant!

DappledThings · 14/09/2019 06:19

Frankly that’s ridiculous - and rude

Bit we're all silently judging people aren't we? I got told on another thread I was being judged as scruffy for using a backpack.instead of a changing bag the other day. People do make ridiculous judgements every day! I judge badge wearers. I don't tell them!

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