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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it a class thing?

389 replies

Pollypenguin01 · 13/09/2019 16:53

I don’t really want to go into the why’s of this question as it’s pretty outing but I’m looking for a average opinion.

Would you ever take a ‘gift’ for the kitchen staff at a restaurant?
Has this always been a thing to do?
Do you have to be of a certain class and in a certain class of establishment for this to be the norm?
If you happen to be a Chef/waiting staff/restaurant owner/etc would you think it very strange for a customer to bring a gift for the chef and cooking staff?

The example of gifts would be, a pack of beer, some mini cakes or doughnuts, some other appropriate food or drink multi pack.

YANBU = God no, I have never heard of this!
YABU = you’re clearly some sort of cretin that doesn’t know how to behave in civilised society!

Please feel free to explain your vote! Grin

OP posts:
Ce7913 · 14/09/2019 03:48

Oh, the second- (third-?) hand cringe I'm feeling right now.

I worked in many kitchens way back when - and am now acquainted with more than a few owners and chefs - and this is not only not expected, it's weird and gauche.

Which would one thing from a sweet, well-intentioned sort, but is utterly galling from the sort of pretentious, condescendingly aspirational tools you describe.

Circumstances where I might possibly consider a custmer gifting restaurant staff to be within the bounds of 'appropriate' (though not 'expected'):

  1. The customer is a regular and it's a Christmas token.
  2. The restaurant , or a private room therein, has been reserved to cater for the customer's wedding/anniversary/birthday.
  3. The customer has prevailed upon the restaurant staff to perform a service that is well outside the ordinary, e.g. they have held the kitchen open much later than usual, or have opened on a day when they are usually closed, or have gone out of their way to oblige customer's request for a meal or accompaniments that fall well outside their usual offerings.

That said, the store-bought hydrogenated mediocrity your awkward, oblivious 'friends' saw fit to proffer is not an appropriate gift for the chef/kitchen staff, who have both the skill and the means to make something far superior in about fifteen minutes should they want them.

The sort of gifts that might be appropriate are additional tips, or a round left for the staff, perhaps a nice bottle - or possibly, though more risky, artisanal products or produce... On one more memorable occasion, the father of the bride, a truffle farmer, left a large jar of paper-towel-wrapped truffles for the kitchen. You would have thought it was it's equivalent weight in cocaine by the chef's reaction.

Orchardgreen · 14/09/2019 04:56

This has to go into Classics.

sam221 · 14/09/2019 05:10

This is the oddest gesture to give to in a restaurant and a first for me! My family friends own a chain (mini)of international top restaurants, having heard many stories from them-I can assure you, your friends are bonkers!
People generally leave tips or buy rounds, personal friends of restaurant may give gifts at holidays but definitely not in the circumstances you have described.

mathanxiety · 14/09/2019 05:24

@Zaphodsotherhead - Blush sorry! I was posting on my phone and the thread was moving fast.

mathanxiety · 14/09/2019 05:25

Also Blush @blacksax.

FuriousVexation · 14/09/2019 05:48

"we're a little fucking disappointed that you've turned out to be such a fucking bunch of low-class cunts"

Theaspidistraiswilting · 14/09/2019 08:09

This is brilliant! Shameless placemarking....

ourkidmolly · 14/09/2019 08:40

Completely invested in this thread. Hope with all my heart it's true.

Crustytoenail · 14/09/2019 08:41

I dread to think of the reaction from our chefs should I toddle up to the kitchen with a box of donuts from a random diner that isn't even a regular, or have a personal connection with the chef. I'd likely end up getting them hurled at my head. Quite insulting to take a chef of any note bloody donuts!
We do get left gifts (boxes of chocolates, flowers, cards) as a team by people we've either done big events for, or done something out of the usual for. We have regular guests who ask if they can buy the kitchen staff a round for them to have after service, and a few people who kitchen have seriously impressed have done this too - we all know them well enough to know what they drink and usually take it up as they are finishing cleaning down. It's well appreciated. Regular guests will maybe buy a case of beers to give to the kitchen staff at Christmas.
And it sounds to me like your friends are trying to pretend they're something they're not, by wittering on about class and etiquette. It's quite insulting that they think they'd get special service for a box of donuts. What utter bollocks.

skunkatanka · 14/09/2019 08:50

Wow OP! Love your reply though!

Original poster
Pollypenguin01 · 14/09/2019 11:44

“We class you as some of our closest friends and understand that having been so ignorant of common protocol you may find our stance comedic but let me debase you of that idea and insist this is normal and indeed expected behaviour when dining at a better class of restaurant. We have had many advantages to our treating the staff well. Once (friends wife name) was treated to a very special dessert due to my generosity in gifting a round of my homemade chutney. We would be happy to draw a line under this and be proud that you have learnt from us the correct way to proceed with regards to fine dining.”

Next text two seconds later,
“Oh and please pop the £6 round to (FW name) during the week or we can collect it when we meet Wednesday”

HmmConfusedHmm

He does make homemade chutney. 🤔

OP posts:
butterandbread · 14/09/2019 11:59

This is actually incredible Grin I’ve never heard anything like his texts in my life! Be proud that you’ve learnt from them 😂😂😂

What makes the whole thing even better is that he’s talking about doughnuts! Could he have picked a funnier gift to try and come off as ‘better class’ with 😂

Crustytoenail · 14/09/2019 11:59

Post a £6 postal order. Don't meet on Wednesday.

OtraCosaMariposa · 14/09/2019 12:03

be proud that you have learnt from us the correct way to proceed with regards to fine dining

It just gets worse. Is this guy so rude in other contexts? If he speaks to people in such a condescending tone then I'm surprised he has any friends left. Totally, utterly nuts.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/09/2019 12:03

'debase'?? I think he means 'disabuse'.

Someone is about as good at writing as they are at etiquette.

Crustytoenail · 14/09/2019 12:04

And homemade chutney? I don't think that'd be allowed in the kitchen or to be used. There's rules about traceability and cross contamination and allergy awareness when it comes to serving food. Unless he meant the staff took it home.
I strongly suspect that if he's a regular at this place the staff humour him as being slightly eccentric and take it that he's being kind towards them if rather patronising and smug. Restaurant staff have to do that a lot!

Unburnished · 14/09/2019 12:15

He sounds completely batshit.

Is he foreign? His use of language is ... interesting. How old is he? How well fo you know him?

I’ve now got a real craving for cheese and chutney.

HobbyIsCodeForDogging · 14/09/2019 12:15

I can't believe there are people like this out there Shock

You need to educate him in the etiquette of not sending patronising dick messages to his "close friends" and using grown up language that he clearly doesn't understand. He's deliberately trying to make you feel stupid, inadequate and insecure. Don't let him.

Also, it's not normal or expected to bring gifts. Does he honestly think that millions of fine dining and Michelin restaurant patrons up and down the country are making this huge faux pas? It's laughable.

OtraCosaMariposa · 14/09/2019 12:27

I can't believe there are people like this out there

Gosh I can. You clearly haven't been on MN long. Every other day there's a thread about some level of batshit craziness. Lots of people have very odd ideas about a whole host of things.

KindnessCrusader · 14/09/2019 12:37

My Husband is a Chef. In some restaurants it does list 'round of beers for the kitchen staff' but he's never known anyone to bring a gift with them. He's worked in some very high end restaurants. It's quite usual for people to ask to meet the Chef and give them their compliments personally.

donquixotedelamancha · 14/09/2019 12:40

You clearly haven't been on MN long. Every other day there's a thread about some level of batshit craziness.

I've been here a long time. This would be a special kind of crazy, if true, even for MN. I think with all posts like this you should just enjoy the story.

popehilarious · 14/09/2019 12:43

Agree the way they write is peculiar, like someone trying to sound cleverer than they are! "Debase"...?

Offer to gift them some of your own homemade chutney in lieu of the £6, then bung a bit of branston's pickle in a jar and present it with a flourish Grin

popehilarious · 14/09/2019 12:44

How vulgar to admit giving gifts purely to get free dessert, as well.

AsTheWorldTurns · 14/09/2019 12:52

Goodness, OP, fucking weird.

Is this the first example of weird behaviour ever?

Could it be a brain injury?

AsTheWorldTurns · 14/09/2019 12:55

His text is poorly written and overblown, maybe it's a joke? Confused

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