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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit p**ssed off that DS and DM threw me a baby shower???

117 replies

Jellyfish12 · 13/09/2019 15:41

Suppose this should say 'Am I being ungrateful' instead!

I have always made my opinion on baby showers pretty clear to DM and DS. When I told them I was pregnant, I asked them specifically not to throw me one.

I hate being the centre of attention, I hate that my family have a bit of money and I get quite bad social anxiety.

On Sunday, at 37 weeks pregnant, I got ready to go for a meal with DP, DM, DF, DS and a few other family friends. We do this regularly and so, it didn't phase me.

DP took me to the local posh hotel and I walked in to find the room full of my family and friends, which was lovely... don't get me wrong! But, no one let me sit down all day, I didn't get any food and I felt shite by the end of it. Afterwards, DM was sat in front of me, checking the bill from the open bar and buffet. The card receipt was stapled to the back of the invoice and had curled around so, I could see the total. It was over £550!

When we were at the baby shower, one friend made a comment to my other pregnant friend about her upcoming baby shower and I overheard her reply 'Oh, but it won't be anything posh like this, don't get your hopes up'. It literally made me cringe inside out because, I appreciate that my DS and DM aren't afraid to show that they have money and good for DM and DF for working their arses off and earning it but, I've grown up with people making out DS and I are spoilt. (To be honest, DS milks it...)

I was so knackered on Monday that, I had to leave work early because, I could barely walk. (I'm not joking, I couldn't get a seat because, no one would stand up for me so, I was stood around for hours and my back and poor bits were in agony when I got home.)

Am I being an ungrateful twat or, do I have a point?

Note: Neither of them know that I didn't enjoy myself and I went home and messaged them both to say thank you and I also messaged each person who came and thanked them for coming and for their gifts.

OP posts:
maslinpan · 13/09/2019 15:46

You need to work on your assertiveness: at that stage of pregnancy, if your friends and family won't give up chairs or a plate of food, you are entitled to make a massive fuss and demand both.

CarolDanvers · 13/09/2019 15:50

Ungrateful. It wasn't that expensive and the posh thing is your own issue I think. I'd love to have a mum and sister who cared enough to do something like this for me.

Troels · 13/09/2019 15:53

Yes you are being ungrateful, they love you and wanted to spoil you. Drop it and enjoy the end of your pregnancy.

MrsTWH · 13/09/2019 15:54

IMO - I think YAB a bit U about the baby shower itself, however YADNBU about not being given a chair or a plate of food all afternoon!! WTF?? How did that happen? And why didn’t you say to anyone that you needed to sit down and needed to eat? You said you don’t like being centre of attention, but it sounds like you weren’t or someone would have noticed you were in pain/hungry/not enjoying yourself. Did your DSis or DM not keep checking on you?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/09/2019 15:54

You need to lose the money fear. If your parents have spare cash and like to spend it on you then you should not really give a fuck about other people's issues. That's far too much soical anxiety for you to enjoy your life!

And £550 isn't an enormous sum of money, certianly not enough to be truly posh, wankerishly extravagent! Your 'friends' were bitching!

Dixiechickonhols · 13/09/2019 15:55

Why didn’t you say oh I’ll sit here, could you get me a plate of food. They are your family and friends.

Myriade · 13/09/2019 15:58

2 issues here

  • 1 you need to start being assertive and ask for a chair of you need one.
-2 you seem to have a massive problem around money and you would really benefit getting your head around it. So what if your DM has some money? And what of your Dsis also does? Why are so ashamed about it?
RhodaDendron · 13/09/2019 16:06

You’re not being entirely unreasonable - I don’t like being he centre of attention and would hate a baby shower - but I’d say you need to get over the thing about money; and you need to work on asking for food and a seat when you need them - key skills for parenting!
You did the right thing thanking everyone even though you were wrecked, well done.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 13/09/2019 16:11

@Jellyfish12 the problem is not that yiy have family that loves you and wanted to throw you a babyshower but that you have some inconsiderate friends not offering you a seat or caring how their comments might make you feel

SmileyGiraffe · 13/09/2019 16:13

Anyone who wants a baby shower is completely unreasonable anyway, so you're OK.

BarbariansMum · 13/09/2019 16:22

YABU not to prioritize yourself enough to ask for a chair and a plate of food when you need one. That said, YANBU to be annoyed that your family ignored your wishes.

RubbingHimSourly · 13/09/2019 16:23

I hate the idea of baby showers too but FFS. Learn to speak up, ask for a seat. They probably thought you were busy chatting to people if you didn't at least say to the bar staff or whatever find the pregnant lady a seat. And why on earth didn't you eat ?? Shock

I don't think theyve done anything wrong at all but you really need to work on your own self worth.

Pinacola · 13/09/2019 16:25

I was thrown an unwanted baby shower. My best friends meant it in a loving way and all the people that came knew not to buy extravagant nonsense. It was actually a nice afternoon at the home of a friend and they invited some of my great friends who live far away.

The issue here seems to be a total lack of regard for your wishes, enjoyment and comfort. I was made to feel completely loved and supported at mine and always thought the whole point was to show your support for the new to be mother and shower her with love?! Not cash

transformandriseup · 13/09/2019 16:25

I would have just asked for an extra chair.

Vilanelle · 13/09/2019 16:25
Hmm
brookelopez · 13/09/2019 16:28

why didn't you sit down or eat?

EdWinchester · 13/09/2019 16:28

I can’t believe you couldn’t get a bloody chair and sit on it. Are you very timid?

I loathe baby showers, but you just have to be grateful and polite.

Itsallgonewoowoo · 13/09/2019 16:30

I don't think you're being ungrateful. I would absolutely HATE with a passion, such an event. The fact that those closest to you should know this about you, and you asked them not to, but they did.
I don't think making a fuss now will help but I would make it loud and clear next time there's a surprise party opportunity that it will not be welcome.
It always amazes me how people believe they know someone better than themselves and barge on through with their plans, and then expect gratitude, it's rude.

ReanimatedSGB · 13/09/2019 16:34

I wonder if you have a bit of a martyr streak, OP. It comes across, a bit, as though you were so determined not to have a good time that you deliberately didn't eat or sit down - how can anyone not get anything to eat when there is a running buffet?

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 13/09/2019 16:34

I think part of the problem is that there is such a stigma to babyshowers it seems that everyone will say they don't want one but some secretly hoping for one. If we all were a bit more honest people woukd know who does and does not want a certain party

SarahTancredi · 13/09/2019 16:35

I dont think ya bu tbh.

This was some nose rubbing , passive aggressive point proving exercise dressed up as generosity and thoughtfulness.

This wasnt about you and making sure you had a good time this was entirely about them showing how lovely they were.

What happened to respecting people and their wishes

ButterflyOne1 · 13/09/2019 16:36

Sorry but it does seem like you're being ungrateful.

Are you sure you never had anything to eat or drink? That seems very odd considering the bill being £550.

Please don't say anything to your DM and DS as it may cause massive issues.

As for the not getting a seat on the train, quite simple ask someone to move. People won't move unless asked sometimes. If it's a priority seat then you're within your rights to ask.

Thecatsatemychristmastree · 13/09/2019 16:37

The issue here seems to be a total lack of regard for your wishes, enjoyment and comfort.
^This^
You made it known you didn't want a baby shower and they decided your feelings didn't matter and did it anyway, so YANBU in that respect.
However I do think you should have spoken up about needing to sit down and eat something, doesn't take much to just ask nicely for a seat and some food.

Peakypolly · 13/09/2019 16:40

Am I being an ungrateful twat ?
Yes, and I’m sure none of your loved ones would have had a problem if you had sat down.

Filter · 13/09/2019 16:40

Nobody looked after you at all?! Isn't that the point of a baby shower? All the ones I've been to have been focussed on the mum to be, made sure she had a plate of food, checked she was ok and sat down because...you know...they are the pregnant ones!

I don't blame you for being annoyed actually. Sounds like they wanted the opportunity to show off a great bash rather than looking after the person it was for.

You do definitely need to work on asking for a seat or saying "oh I must get some food I haven't had any yet" though.