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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit p**ssed off that DS and DM threw me a baby shower???

117 replies

Jellyfish12 · 13/09/2019 15:41

Suppose this should say 'Am I being ungrateful' instead!

I have always made my opinion on baby showers pretty clear to DM and DS. When I told them I was pregnant, I asked them specifically not to throw me one.

I hate being the centre of attention, I hate that my family have a bit of money and I get quite bad social anxiety.

On Sunday, at 37 weeks pregnant, I got ready to go for a meal with DP, DM, DF, DS and a few other family friends. We do this regularly and so, it didn't phase me.

DP took me to the local posh hotel and I walked in to find the room full of my family and friends, which was lovely... don't get me wrong! But, no one let me sit down all day, I didn't get any food and I felt shite by the end of it. Afterwards, DM was sat in front of me, checking the bill from the open bar and buffet. The card receipt was stapled to the back of the invoice and had curled around so, I could see the total. It was over £550!

When we were at the baby shower, one friend made a comment to my other pregnant friend about her upcoming baby shower and I overheard her reply 'Oh, but it won't be anything posh like this, don't get your hopes up'. It literally made me cringe inside out because, I appreciate that my DS and DM aren't afraid to show that they have money and good for DM and DF for working their arses off and earning it but, I've grown up with people making out DS and I are spoilt. (To be honest, DS milks it...)

I was so knackered on Monday that, I had to leave work early because, I could barely walk. (I'm not joking, I couldn't get a seat because, no one would stand up for me so, I was stood around for hours and my back and poor bits were in agony when I got home.)

Am I being an ungrateful twat or, do I have a point?

Note: Neither of them know that I didn't enjoy myself and I went home and messaged them both to say thank you and I also messaged each person who came and thanked them for coming and for their gifts.

OP posts:
GreatBigNoise · 13/09/2019 17:06

You were being daft by not saying that you want to sit down and not eating anything. I can’t imagine why you would have chosen not to say anything. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s seriously odd behavior. It’s hard to imagine that literally no one would give you there seat and even if that were true why didn’t you ask the posh hotel to fetch some more. It really must have been a very strange group of people.

I don’t think you are out of order not to feel grateful as you had asked them not to have a baby shower.

Lulualla · 13/09/2019 17:07

Eh...dont you know how to say no? You let your sister order a dress you don't want her to wear as your bridesmaid at your wedding? Just say no.
Why didn't you just say "could I have a seat" and why didn't you go and get yourself some food... It was a bloody buffet. And £550 really isn't a lot for party food and drink.

You just sound like a martyr. If you don't speak up for yourself, or actually yet yourself a seat and some food then that's on you. No one did that to you.

Chlosavxox · 13/09/2019 17:08

Usually I’d say yes you’re being ungreatful but if you’ve specifically asked them not to do it and you struggle with social anxiety then I don’t think you are at all.

stayathomer · 13/09/2019 17:08

I'd assume it's like a wedding thing where you're moving from table to table and people are chatting so you don't get to stop and or eat? I hate centre of attention days for that reason, it's just a pity no one noticed you had no plate with you but I'd agree that's something you might need to remember to do.

nonmerci · 13/09/2019 17:09

My IL’s tried organising one for me but my Mum told me because she knew I would hate it, I told them to cancel it immediately. So happy my Mum warned me, MIL was planning on dressing me up like a big baby apparently Hmm.

MidCenturyVintageWoman · 13/09/2019 17:12

Have to laugh at posters saying the OP is unreasonable and ungrateful for not enjoying a baby shower she had explicitly said she didn't want. A bit like the consent and cup of tea analogy; if someone says they don't want a cup of tea, don't make them drink it, don't get angry with them for not drinking it, don't expect them to be grateful that you made it.

Original poster
Jellyfish12 · 13/09/2019 17:17

@MidCenturyVintageWoman, YES, that’s it! That is the perfect analogy for how I am feeling about it, thank you!

I totally understand where everyone is coming from. I am definitely not the sort of person to ask someone to move for me and I didn’t even think to go and ask for an extra seat because, I didn’t realise how tired I was until the event was over and it was only when I told DP about the day that I realised I should have sat. I have a desk job and that’s the first time I’ve been on my feet for that long in a while. At this far along in my first pregnancy, I didn’t know it would take its toll on me like that.

I’ve learnt my lesson and cancelled a birthday I was to attend this weekend, just in case I wouldn’t be able to sit or leave when I was tired (DP is impossible to drag away from any alcohol fuelled event once he has got going!)

OP posts:
SarahTancredi · 13/09/2019 17:20

Yy mid

I find things like surprise parties , surprise baby showers and public proposals etc quite manipulative . People can't just walk out of somewhere when all their loved ones have spent money or travelled to see them. And how do you say no In front of lots of people all there to celebrate Hmm

How can something put together without any input what so ever from the person it's meant to be for, be about anything other than the person organising it and the show of generosity and their need for recognition and thanks.

If these people knew anything about the person they wouldnt need an audience to prevent honest reactions. They'd tell them or just do it when it's the two of them...

Nanny0gg · 13/09/2019 17:36

If you don't speak up your dsis will be wearing something you don't want at your wedding

Ragwort · 13/09/2019 17:36

I don’t blame you for not wanting a baby shower and I hate the attitude that you have to be grateful ‘because it shows that people love you and you are lucky to have a family blah blah blah’. If people truly love you they would respect your point of view.

I loathe any surprise party or anything like that, I now organise something very small myself for any ‘big’ birthdays or special events so at least that way I am in control of the ‘celebration’.
My friend’s DD organised a ‘surprise’ party for her special birthday & she found it all very awkward as the DD hadn’t really invited any of my friend’s special friends, it was all about who the daughter knew Confused.

FrancesHaHa · 13/09/2019 17:36

I would definitely question the intent behind this. Throwing a surprise party you specifically said you didn't want is not something to be grateful for. Add to that not sorting you out some food and a chair and I wonder how much of this was for you and how much it was really about them or for show.

Obviously you should have been more assertive, but I can't imagine throwing a party for a pregnant relative and then not being attentive enough to make sure they were at least fed and comfortable

Bouffalant · 13/09/2019 17:37

WHY do people think they are doing a good thing for someone when the thing they are doing is exactly what that person DOES NOT WANT.

I don't think you were ungrateful OP. I think it's absurd to force a "good deed" onto someone when it's something they will not like.

Ditto surprise parties. You did not want this. You made it clear, and you told DM and DF not to do it. One therefore can only assume that they did it for themselves - for the attention and do-gooder vibes. They didn't do it for you - they knew you didn't want one. It's almost a virtue signalling scenario.

I love cats. But I wouldn't buy someone who hated them a cat.

I hate being the centre of attention, I'm not very sociable, and I get anxious in situations like this. If anyone did this for me I would be furious with them for disrespecting my wishes.

It's not a gift/kind deed if the recipient has clearly said they don't want it.

Ragwort · 13/09/2019 17:38

That reminded me of a public proposal we were at years ago, you could tell the man really didn’t want to accept the proposal, it was all so embarrassing, they did get married .... but the marriage didn’t last.

DappledThings · 13/09/2019 17:41

Not ungrateful at all. If anyone had been daft enough to throw me a surprise baby shower when I had made it quite clear I wouldn't have one in a million years I would walk out. Same for a surprise birthday party.

If you have said you explicitly don't want a particular event it is spectacularly self-centered of people to go ahead with it.

ShippingNews · 13/09/2019 17:42

There was a buffet - why didn't you go and get something to eat ? And presumably there were chairs since it was a hotel - couldn't you ask your sister / partner / father / anyone " could you get me a seat please".

Original poster
Jellyfish12 · 13/09/2019 17:44

@ShippingNews, I think I have already answered about the sitting and the food.

Also, DP and DF went to the pub, it was girls only.

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 13/09/2019 17:52

Yanbu.

Not solely about baby shower but because it sounds as if your mum and sister run roughshod over your feelings continously?

Your sister is wearing a whaite bridesmaid dress you didn't want her to wear? Shock

CoatroomFriday · 13/09/2019 17:57

But, no one let me sit down all day,

But why did you need permission? Why didn't you just sit down?

Original poster
Jellyfish12 · 13/09/2019 17:57

@youarenotkiddingme, luckily the dress was no good and she’s found one which isn’t white now!

Yes (risk of sounding like a martyr again) they tend to take control of a lot of things in my life and baby me a lot and I struggle to dispute things with them because, they fall out with me and make me feel like I’m being horrible so, it’s usually not worth the hassle!

OP posts:
CoatroomFriday · 13/09/2019 17:57

Whoops! Didn't realise there was more than one page!

Original poster
Jellyfish12 · 13/09/2019 17:58

@CoatroomFriday, I’ve clarified what I meant in a later post. Badly worded saying ‘no one let me’

OP posts:
PuzzledObserver · 13/09/2019 18:09

Struggling to understand people not letting you sit down or making sure you were able to eat. What is wrong with them?

Mintypea5 · 13/09/2019 18:21

Honestly from
Your posts about how they're acting towards your wedding and the fact it was mostly their friends there just sounds like your Mum and sister used it as an excuse to throw a bit a party.

It's was really bad form of the other guests not to save you any food but I guess it sounds like they weren't that interesting in attending for you more your mum and sister.

I also hate baby showers and have explicitly asked that one isn't thrown for me (my sil refused to speak to me for a week sulking when DH firmly told her yen cancel the ones he was planning to organise despite me saying now) so don't think you're ungrateful

Crazyladee · 13/09/2019 18:22

But no one let me sit down all day and I didn't get any food

You are pregnant but you still have the ability to speak up!! Or pull up a chair... Or instruct DH or someone else to find you a chair! And also the ability to walk to where the food was and get a plate.

Good grief Hmm

Rachelle11 · 13/09/2019 18:36

It kind of sounds like they are domineering and as you say "baby you" too much. However on the flip side you feed into this by not speaking up for yourself and reacting like an adult with healthy boundaries. You are going to have to start taking control of yourself. If you are hungry, speak up. When your best friend offered you here seat, take it.

As for the money issues it does sound a bit spoiled. Be thankful for your opportunities and own them, and the hard work you've done.

I think it's time for you to grow up. And I don't mean in a mean derogatory sense. In the sense of looking out for yourself, accept help when needed, say no when needed, and be confident in your own life choices.

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