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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit p**ssed off that DS and DM threw me a baby shower???

117 replies

Jellyfish12 · 13/09/2019 15:41

Suppose this should say 'Am I being ungrateful' instead!

I have always made my opinion on baby showers pretty clear to DM and DS. When I told them I was pregnant, I asked them specifically not to throw me one.

I hate being the centre of attention, I hate that my family have a bit of money and I get quite bad social anxiety.

On Sunday, at 37 weeks pregnant, I got ready to go for a meal with DP, DM, DF, DS and a few other family friends. We do this regularly and so, it didn't phase me.

DP took me to the local posh hotel and I walked in to find the room full of my family and friends, which was lovely... don't get me wrong! But, no one let me sit down all day, I didn't get any food and I felt shite by the end of it. Afterwards, DM was sat in front of me, checking the bill from the open bar and buffet. The card receipt was stapled to the back of the invoice and had curled around so, I could see the total. It was over £550!

When we were at the baby shower, one friend made a comment to my other pregnant friend about her upcoming baby shower and I overheard her reply 'Oh, but it won't be anything posh like this, don't get your hopes up'. It literally made me cringe inside out because, I appreciate that my DS and DM aren't afraid to show that they have money and good for DM and DF for working their arses off and earning it but, I've grown up with people making out DS and I are spoilt. (To be honest, DS milks it...)

I was so knackered on Monday that, I had to leave work early because, I could barely walk. (I'm not joking, I couldn't get a seat because, no one would stand up for me so, I was stood around for hours and my back and poor bits were in agony when I got home.)

Am I being an ungrateful twat or, do I have a point?

Note: Neither of them know that I didn't enjoy myself and I went home and messaged them both to say thank you and I also messaged each person who came and thanked them for coming and for their gifts.

OP posts:
SignedUpJust4This · 13/09/2019 18:43

You're over thinking this OP. It's not about you. It's about your DM&DS getting carried away. Let them have their fun. None of the guests give a shit anymore either. Let it go.
And say 'I'm pregnant! Gimme a fucking chair' next time.

HVnamechange · 13/09/2019 18:53

How come you didn't just sit down!? Or ask for a chair? Wtf haha

Peanutbutterforever · 13/09/2019 18:59

I'm sorry but you are being horribly ungrateful.

ElevenSmiles · 13/09/2019 20:12

Why didn't you ask your DM for her seat instead of noting how much she had spent.

LagunaBubbles · 13/09/2019 20:13

ShippingNews, I think I have already answered about the sitting and the food

Well you've answered but it still doesn't make sense that's for sure, especially about getting a seat.

WhyBirdStop · 13/09/2019 20:19

YANBU but you do need to work on being assertive. I hate baby showers, DM, SIL and my best friend all wanted to organise one for me. I made it clear I didn't want one that I think they are grabby and tacky and I wouldn't go. They didn't organise me a baby shower. As for no seat or food all day at 37 weeks, fuck that. I had DS at 37 weeks exactly, if no one would move I think I would've just sat on someone at that stage.

ddl1 · 13/09/2019 20:24

You would be U to complain about this if you had not been clear about your wishes. You would be reasonable but perhaps slightly ungrateful if they had openly overruled you. However, inflicting something unwanted on you as a surprise is just not on! In my case, it's birthdays that I hate, and anyone who knows me well enough to know when my birthday is, knows that if anyone tried to inflict a surprise birthday party on me, I would never fully trust them again! I don't know how old your DS is; I would assume, if you're pregnant now, that he probably is still quite young, and might be excused on those grounds. As regards your DM, if this is the only time that she's inflicted a 'surprise' of this sort on you, then I'd probably leave it: you have more important things to think of, in terms of a new baby any minute! However, if she has form for this, I would make it very clear to her that you appreciate her kindness but that you really find surprise parties upsetting, and that you'd be grateful if in the future if she could respect your wishes on the matter, even if she thinks you're silly. (I would not however bring up the seat and food at this stage; the time to ask for that was when it happened.)

cushioncovers · 13/09/2019 20:26

Why didn't you sit down and eat?

ddl1 · 13/09/2019 20:29

It's not 'spoiling' a person to force a party on them when they've said they don't want it, and especially not to go behind their back to do so as a surprise! This is IMO the key issue. The OP is perhaps trying too hard to explain why she didn't want it, and bringing up the money issues, for example; and this is perhaps obscuring the main point: it is nice to be generous with 'things' and time and effort; but kindness consists most of all in the willingness to respect other people's wishes.

DappledThings · 13/09/2019 20:31

It's not 'spoiling' a person to force a party on them when they've said they don't want it, and especially not to go behind their back to do so as a surprise

This. It's massively selfish to organise something you know the person it is for will hate.

Golightly133 · 13/09/2019 20:55

You sound like you enjoy being a victim, why wouldn’t you just say i am going to sit down now and have some food. I can’t be doing the I hate it that my family has money,
You sound very ungrateful there are many people on here who would enjoy and embrace the effort. Next time speak up and stop being the victim.

flouncyfanny · 13/09/2019 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toadabode · 13/09/2019 21:27

Well I wouldn't go as far as to agree that you're an ungrateful twat - but an ungrateful cow? Most definitely!

toadabode · 13/09/2019 21:28

Oh and why didn't you sit down and have something to eat? Bizarre

ddl1 · 13/09/2019 21:29

'You sound very ungrateful there are many people on here who would enjoy and embrace the effort.'

Yes, but the OP wouldn't and made it CLEAR that she wouldn't! People deserve gratitude when they respect a person's wishes about themselves! They deserve gratitude when they attempt to respect someone's wishes, even if they get it wrong. They do not deserve gratitude (though manners may sometimes require the show of it), if they deliberately disrespect their wishes, and especially if they go behind their back and inflict a 'surprise' on the person. Doing so implies that either they think they know better than the person about what they really want,, or that they don't really believe that the person's wishes are genuine and think that they are playing some sort of coy game to get attention (which is very insulting to a person who would never do that!). If it's a one-off it may be a genuine mistake or forgetfulness; but I really hate the idea that making an effort to do something for a person is all that is necessary. Making an effort to do what one believes that the person wants is what is important. Making an effort to do something that the person would hate, because you think you know better than them about what is good for them, is worse than making no effort at all!

'Next time speak up'

Yes, I agree on that!

Original poster
Jellyfish12 · 13/09/2019 21:37

Sorry, I’m new to Mumsnet and think I ballsed up the lingo. I meant my sister when I was referring to DS!

Thank you to all of the genuine advice and opinions, I really do appreciate it.

As for those name calling and those sending the more savage responses... I hope you have a lovely weekend :)

OP posts:
IamMadameX · 13/09/2019 21:38

Think people are giving you a hard time OP. I too suffer with social anxiety and know how hard it is to speak up or ask for something in a crowd off peopl

May seem easy for people who don't have social anxiety to wonder why you didn't just speak up, they don't understand what it's like to have this condition.

dowehaveastalker · 13/09/2019 21:42

ungrateful. Sorry OP.

Original poster
Jellyfish12 · 13/09/2019 21:42

IamMadameX Thank you for understanding :)

OP posts:
Luckybe40 · 13/09/2019 21:44

£550 REALLY isn’t a lot of Money for food, etc. I think you think it is but...it’s really not. You sound a bit meek. And you seriously could have got yourself food and a seat if you had really made an effort. But you must know that? Sounds like you’re one of those people that life “just happens too”. And then whinges when they don’t like itCake

DappledThings · 13/09/2019 21:48

dowehaveastalker how is she ungrateful for having something she specifically said she didn't want foisted on her?

Ravenclawmum · 13/09/2019 22:53

People on here are a bit nuts sometimes...
Honestly OP you do not sound ungrateful, like a martyr or any of those things.
Your DM and sis sound like they have a bad case of the "we know best" and dont actually care about what would make you happy.
I agree with the people saying you don't have to be grateful for something you specifically didn't want.
If they were doing something nice for you, there would have been a comfortable chair saved for you when you arrived. A plate of food would have been brought to you and lots of drinks. Who expects a 37 week pregnant woman to be pottering around the buffet table.
All these people saying you should have spoken up etc are forgetting the part about social anxiety which can make being pushy really very hard.
Exhaustion when pregnant is so sneaky! You dont even notice till its too late and its so hard to remember to look after yourself in a party sort of situation!
Hope you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and wishing you all the best with your baby

Original poster
Jellyfish12 · 13/09/2019 23:39

@Ravenclawmum, thank you for such a lovely response and for your kind comments.

Wishing you all the best too Smile

OP posts:
TryingAndFailing39 · 14/09/2019 08:10

I think you’re being a bit ungrateful (and that’s not name calling that’s just answering your question!)
I also hate being the centre of attention and my family surprised me with a huge (and I mean huge!) party for a significant birthday. I was mortified initially but they put so much thought and effort into it and i was enormously grateful for that. (If it’s significant I also happened to be pregnant!)

I’m sure you could have sat down and eaten if you’d been more assertive (and I’m sure dsis and do would have been upset you hadn’t eaten at your own party). That sounds like a bigger issue than the baby shower itself.

spanglydangly · 14/09/2019 08:12

Why didn't you sit down or have some buffet food?