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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit p**ssed off that DS and DM threw me a baby shower???

117 replies

Jellyfish12 · 13/09/2019 15:41

Suppose this should say 'Am I being ungrateful' instead!

I have always made my opinion on baby showers pretty clear to DM and DS. When I told them I was pregnant, I asked them specifically not to throw me one.

I hate being the centre of attention, I hate that my family have a bit of money and I get quite bad social anxiety.

On Sunday, at 37 weeks pregnant, I got ready to go for a meal with DP, DM, DF, DS and a few other family friends. We do this regularly and so, it didn't phase me.

DP took me to the local posh hotel and I walked in to find the room full of my family and friends, which was lovely... don't get me wrong! But, no one let me sit down all day, I didn't get any food and I felt shite by the end of it. Afterwards, DM was sat in front of me, checking the bill from the open bar and buffet. The card receipt was stapled to the back of the invoice and had curled around so, I could see the total. It was over £550!

When we were at the baby shower, one friend made a comment to my other pregnant friend about her upcoming baby shower and I overheard her reply 'Oh, but it won't be anything posh like this, don't get your hopes up'. It literally made me cringe inside out because, I appreciate that my DS and DM aren't afraid to show that they have money and good for DM and DF for working their arses off and earning it but, I've grown up with people making out DS and I are spoilt. (To be honest, DS milks it...)

I was so knackered on Monday that, I had to leave work early because, I could barely walk. (I'm not joking, I couldn't get a seat because, no one would stand up for me so, I was stood around for hours and my back and poor bits were in agony when I got home.)

Am I being an ungrateful twat or, do I have a point?

Note: Neither of them know that I didn't enjoy myself and I went home and messaged them both to say thank you and I also messaged each person who came and thanked them for coming and for their gifts.

OP posts:

spanglydangly · 14/09/2019 08:14

You really don't sound like you have problems being assertive!

DappledThings · 14/09/2019 08:19

I also hate being the centre of attention and my family surprised me with a huge (and I mean huge!) party for a significant birthday

If that happened to me I would walk out. And I wouldn't be being ungrateful as I have been completely clear that such a thing would be horrendous for me. People who ignore anyone who says they absolutely don't want an event and then do it anyway are not being generous. They are doing it entirely for their own benefit.

Yellowpolkadot · 14/09/2019 08:26

My mil was insistent I had a baby shower after a repeatedly said I didn’t want them. DM ended up stepping in and stopping it causing a bit of an argument, DD was then born at 34 weeks (a few weeks before the date she wanted to hold the baby shower) so in a way the crisis was averted.

I’m still a strong believer that gifts shouldn’t be given until baby is safely here.

I’m sure the baby shower was well intentioned but as others have said you need to be more assertive and ask for a seat etc

spanglydangly · 14/09/2019 08:37

I cannot believe at 37 weeks pregnant that no one offered you a seat? Really? Or did you do the oh I'm fine thanks don't need one and then moan about it later? That's being a victim I'm afraid.

People always say free heavily pregnant women seats!

tigger1001 · 14/09/2019 09:17

I don't think you are being ungrateful at all op. I hate being the centre of attention and suffer from social anxiety - this would be hell for me! And I have told all family no parties for me - and if they ignore that don't be surprised if I walk out.

Unless you suffer from social anxiety it's hard to understand how social situations make you feel. It's easy to say " why didn't you ask for food or a seat" or to say you need to be more assertive, al of which is true, but it's also ignoring how social anxiety makes you feel. I wish mine would go away but instead it gets worse the older I get. I would avoid all social situations if I could.

cansu · 14/09/2019 09:24

FGS How on earth did you not manage to sit down with aplate of food?
The room was full of family and friends - could you not say to one of your friends that you were knackered so could they get you some food.

Sweetpeach3 · 14/09/2019 09:38

I wish my DM and DF would do this for me. They did for my first but didn't for second or third and DH doesn't even cross his mind to do nice things like this. I don't think it was expensive and it was a nice thing for them to do. It's just thoughtful an their trying to help you enjoy this time as once your bump has gone you'll miss it more then ever. I just think you've got that stigma in your head of you and DS been spoilt so your trying to do the opposite in every way and shape
But I'd of made a song and dance about not eating and sitting down. People should be fussing over you not you wandering why they sit an fuss you stood up! Xx

Nofunkingworriesmate · 14/09/2019 09:59

What stopped you from walking to the buffet and getting food ??? Asking posh hotel staff for a chair ??? You can’t blame anyone else for that
It is but off that you made your opinion clear and was ignored
When your sister said she was ordering bridesmaids dress you didn’t want you should have said no That isn’t the dress you will be wearing when they send you stuff just say no thanks don’t want that and keep saying it.

GiveMeHope103 · 14/09/2019 10:02

Yes you were a twat. You asked sorry. I'm shocked you couldnt ask for a seat. How on earth are you going to cope with a baby? That's a serious question. And if you are that upset, donate all the stuff you received. Problem solved.

BarbariansMum · 14/09/2019 10:14

Sweetpeach the etiquette around baby showers is that you get one for your first baby, not 1 per baby!

SarahTancredi · 14/09/2019 10:30

I wish my DM and DF would do this for me. They did for my first but didn't for second or third and DH doesn't even cross his mind to do nice things like this

Are they "nice though"

So they spent a few quid if they surprise you at your house do they stay and clear up/wash up.

Who comes down the morning after and has to clear a space on the sofa or ravke to be able to sit down and have a coffee?

Who has to find space for all the stuff they thought you might need except most of it you dont need and it just takes up space. Sone fancy high chair that takes up half the lounge when the booster seat you had planned on getting wouod fit in the cupboard under the stairs.

Fifteen billion baby outfits that will never been worn cos five layers of frills and lace is a pain in the arse when you wanna change a nappy.

Do they stick around to build the changing unit for the nursery when you would have been happy with a 4 quid changing mat on the floor.

Now you have to find room for the nappy disposal unit and bu special bags for it when its 2 seconds to the wheels bin outside and you already have dog poo bags...

When all along what would be really helpful yet of course no one would know you were doing it so theres no ooohing and aahhhing at how amazingly generous you are would be to offer to do the shopping. Pick.them.up from the hospital. Pick.the oldest up from.school. or hold the baby for an.hour so you can take a bath.

Its actually really thoughtless unless you know they want one and have specifically pointed out stuff they want

Shmithecat2 · 14/09/2019 10:35

YANBU for being pissed off about your wishes being ignored. I also detest baby showers. When I was pregnant, I made it quite clear to my BFF that I didn't want one. She did ask me again if I was sure, I confirmed my hatred of them, she didn't throw me one. That's how it should be.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 14/09/2019 10:37

YANBU to be annoyed that your wishes were ignored. It’s not a nice or caring thing to foist a celebration on someone who isn’t comfortable with such situations.

YABU not to have said to those around you that you needed a seat or to eat. Use your words!

Cherrysoup · 14/09/2019 10:41

Honestly, OP, you’re going to have to learn to be more secretive or they’re going to continue to upset you. Imagine your wedding when they’ve decided what they want as opposed to what you want! The dress alone made me angry for you!

HoppingPavlova · 14/09/2019 10:53

I tried to find somewhere to sit but ended up being overly polite when only my best friend offered her seat up for me and I stood. Then continued to stand as the day continued as, everyone was settled in their seats.

So, a seat was offered and you declined it. You didn’t bother to ask the staff for a chair - i’m positive they could have brought an additional chair into the area for you. The result was you didn’t sit down for the duration - well, yes, that’s how it works when you decline offers of seats and don’t ask for one. Similarly, you didn’t eat but then it turns out you had coleslaw and chicken or similar. I realise this was not the focus of your initial post but to gripe about these things when they seem completely your own doing makes it seem there is more to this overall picture.

user1493494961 · 14/09/2019 11:33

You sound a bit of a martyr to be honest. If I was busy chatting to people, I would ask DP to get me a plate of food and I'm sure the hotel had plenty of chairs.

Cherrysoup · 14/09/2019 12:06

*bugger, assertive, not secretive!!

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