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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit p**ssed off that DS and DM threw me a baby shower???

117 replies

Jellyfish12 · 13/09/2019 15:41

Suppose this should say 'Am I being ungrateful' instead!

I have always made my opinion on baby showers pretty clear to DM and DS. When I told them I was pregnant, I asked them specifically not to throw me one.

I hate being the centre of attention, I hate that my family have a bit of money and I get quite bad social anxiety.

On Sunday, at 37 weeks pregnant, I got ready to go for a meal with DP, DM, DF, DS and a few other family friends. We do this regularly and so, it didn't phase me.

DP took me to the local posh hotel and I walked in to find the room full of my family and friends, which was lovely... don't get me wrong! But, no one let me sit down all day, I didn't get any food and I felt shite by the end of it. Afterwards, DM was sat in front of me, checking the bill from the open bar and buffet. The card receipt was stapled to the back of the invoice and had curled around so, I could see the total. It was over £550!

When we were at the baby shower, one friend made a comment to my other pregnant friend about her upcoming baby shower and I overheard her reply 'Oh, but it won't be anything posh like this, don't get your hopes up'. It literally made me cringe inside out because, I appreciate that my DS and DM aren't afraid to show that they have money and good for DM and DF for working their arses off and earning it but, I've grown up with people making out DS and I are spoilt. (To be honest, DS milks it...)

I was so knackered on Monday that, I had to leave work early because, I could barely walk. (I'm not joking, I couldn't get a seat because, no one would stand up for me so, I was stood around for hours and my back and poor bits were in agony when I got home.)

Am I being an ungrateful twat or, do I have a point?

Note: Neither of them know that I didn't enjoy myself and I went home and messaged them both to say thank you and I also messaged each person who came and thanked them for coming and for their gifts.

OP posts:
BlueLadybird · 13/09/2019 16:40

I would hate a baby shower so I understand why you’re annoyed.

But just ask for a chair and some food. If it’s that posh a place they should have been able to source both even if your so-called friends refused to budge.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 13/09/2019 16:40

@Thecatsatemychristmastree did they know though? might they not have thought OP is saying that so she does not come across as 'grabby' and 'greedy' or all the other lovely words used to describe a babyshower. Maybe they thought deep down OP wanted a lovely afternoon surrounded by excited friends and family

EmmiJay · 13/09/2019 16:42

Could you just be a bit fed up heading to end of the pregnancy now? I do know some showers usually happen around the 6/7 mark. Anyway, I feel like your family just wanted to show you they love you and are excited for new addition. I'm sure they don't mind splashing the cash for you. Sounds like it was a lovely day though!

Xmasbaby11 · 13/09/2019 16:43

Yanbu as you expressely asked them not to.

However you must be more assertive. You could have sat down and eaten if you'd wanted to.

Dyrne · 13/09/2019 16:43

OP I agree with others that you need to be more assertive; it’s really not that hard to grab a bit of food at a buffet and ask for a sit down - people are vastly understanding of a pregnant woman wanting to eat and sit down; and if you’d have said “oh but I haven’t managed to talk to Sandra yet”, someone would have trotted off to get Sandra.

Your attitude to your money makes me cringe as well. Appreciate the fact that you come from a privileged background and acknowledge the lovely gesture from your family.

Acting all faux-uncomfortable with the whole thing is cringeworthy and makes you look like a bit of a tit - i’m reminded of those snobby teens who go on “gap-yeahs” and pretend they’re slumming it and living “the simple life” it when actually the bank of mum and dad paid for the yoga retreat...

Nothing wrong with being privileged per se, but “acting humble” doesn’t mean being embarrassed about wealth and pretending somehow you aren’t a part of it - it means acknowledging your good fortune and being gracious.

Thecatsatemychristmastree · 13/09/2019 16:45

@redappleandaquamarinebow1987 it says in the OP that she had told her DM and Dsis she didn't want one, she specifically asked them not to.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 13/09/2019 16:45

@Dyrne could not have said it better myself

Alittleodd · 13/09/2019 16:46

This could be a teeny tiny bit "oh no, my diamond shoes are too tight" but I do understand your point about is sucking that your wishes weren't respected.

You could have sat down though, it really shouldn't be hard to say to family and friends "I just need some time off my feet".

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 13/09/2019 16:46

@Thecatsatemychristmastree yes but they are viewed so negatively people will say they don't want one when they actually do etc

LagunaBubbles · 13/09/2019 16:47

Why on earth did you stand for ages and not get a seat? I don't get that. If its your family and friends it surely wouldn't have been that difficult to say you needed a seat! You say no-one would move, did you ask? Confused

SarahTancredi · 13/09/2019 16:49

yes but they are viewed so negatively people will say they don't want one when they actually do etc

Or maybe they are just faking their way through it because everyone presumes to know what they really wantHmm

And if course it's a woman and they are pregnant so hormones blah blah blah which is actually really infuriating. Surgeons are capable of operating when pregnant it doesnt render you incapable of rational.thought or knowing what you want

NotStayingIn · 13/09/2019 16:49

I don’t know, I think you sound a little bit like a martyr. You don’t sit down or eat, yet that’s others people’s fault. You let yourself get so knackered you can’t cope the next day, but again, other people’s fault. You have the benefits of having some luxuries, but you are making it into something for you to stress about. Don’t really understand why very normal things that other people cope with just fine or such a drama for you.

emojisarentwords · 13/09/2019 16:50

OP you need to come back and explain how it came about that you, the pregnant person who the party was being thrown for, ended up with no chair and no food at your own party? You wouldn't be able to tell whether YABU or not otherwise.

LagunaBubbles · 13/09/2019 16:51

And I don't get you didnt get yourself some food, or even asked someone to get some for you?

rubyroot · 13/09/2019 16:51

Yes I also don't understand how you ended up with no chair and no food. Surely you'd just ask someone to get an extra chair from somewhere and have some food? Very strange

feelingverylazytoday · 13/09/2019 16:51

Am I being ungrateful
Not at all. You specifically stated that you didn't want a baby shower but they went ahead and threw you one anyway. Maybe they shouldn't have ignored your wishes.
I think part of the problem is there is so much stigma to baby showers it seems everyone will they don't want one but some secretly hoping for one
I think you might be projecting a little bit there. Some people really don't want one, is that hard to accept? It's a bit like surprise birthday parties, some people would love it, some would hate it. I think you have to take people at face value here if they say straight up that they don't want one.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 13/09/2019 16:54

@SarahTancredi not saying they don't know what they want. It does cause people to not truely express what they want though. If people could just talking about them so slanderously maybe more women would feel more capable of being honest what they want. No women disapointed there was no secret shower planned, no woman not wanting one forced to endure it

Original poster
Jellyfish12 · 13/09/2019 16:55

Thanks for the replies!

I should advise, DS doesn’t have money. She’s the type to tell me she is going to ask DM to go shopping with her, because she’s skint.

I completely appreciate that DS and DM were trying to do a nice thing but, I’m all honesty the majority of the people there were their friends.

I’m getting married next year and they are forever sending me things that they think I should get/have, regardless of my opinion. They sent me a white dress that DS wanted to wear as a bridesmaid dress. I said that I thought it was too bridal and they concluded that they would order it anyway.

I wouldn’t say I have a problem with money, I work hard and earn a decent amount myself. I have a problem with people thinking that everything I have was handed to me by DF and DM! But, I am of course extremely grateful for anything they have ever given me!

OP posts:
LondonJax · 13/09/2019 16:56

I'm going against the grain and say YANBU. I love being the centre of attention so DH organised a surprise birthday party for me which I loved. His DSis hates any kind of fuss so when it was her birthday we organised a surprise meal at her favourite restaurant but kept it to main family. Anything else wouldn't have suited her. We knew her feelings on it and wanted to make sure she had a nice time - not over rule her because we'd have loved a big do! So I'm with you on that.

But the money part of it I think you may overthink it. My friend drives a 4 x 4 - she has the money. I don't envy her - our car gets us from A to B perfectly fine. The thing is she doesn't boast about her funds but she doesn't hide it either. She's happy to tell me about her holiday in Barbados but she's happy for me to go into detail about our holiday to Cornwall. It's not showing off, it's just 'that's where she went on holiday'. If she went all coy about it, it would come across as a bit patronising - 'I don't want to hurt your feelings as you'll never afford Barbados dahling' sort of thing.

As for the sitting down. You need to speak up. You'll have a child who will be depending on you being assertive sometimes. Say another kid pushes them over in toddler group - will you stand by without making a peep about it? I don't mean storm up to the other child, guns blazing, but just saying 'be careful' or 'that's enough'. You have to learn to ask for what you want and need.

SarahTancredi · 13/09/2019 16:57

OP I agree with others that you need to be more assertive; it’s really not that hard to grab a bit of food at a buffet and ask for a sit down - people are vastly understanding of a pregnant woman wanting to eat and sit down; and if you’d have said “oh but I haven’t managed to talk to Sandra yet”, someone would have trotted off to get Sandra

It's also more than possible that perhaps they just did the arrangements and paid then that's as far as it went? So no one hosting no one actually dealing with the people no one.organising the actual baby shower. so maybe that fell to op? Would explain why she ended up busy and unable to sit down whilst the family look oh so generous..

RainbowAlicorn · 13/09/2019 16:57

I really wanted one with my second, but my DM said no chance and I dont have anyone that cares enough to have organised one for me.

Fairenuff · 13/09/2019 16:58

I don't think you can blame anyone but yourself for not sitting down or eating.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 13/09/2019 17:00

@Jellyfish12 I am sorry it seems to be a pattern of your family not respecting your wishes at all. Have you tried talking to them about it?

Having money and being comfortable is nothing to be ashamed of. Some people have more some have less. You sound like a nice decent person with a good heart and head on her shoulders. Try not to over worry. Also not every comment is a negative critisim

Rubicon80 · 13/09/2019 17:00

YABU to go through it if you'd said you didn't want one

I don't do parties, weddings, graduations, any ceremonies. I've always made it very clear to my family and friends that I absolutely do not, ever, want a surprise party, and that if they ever threw me one, I would just walk straight back out again and leave. They know that I mean this and so they've never done it.

To go through a whole event that you'd said you didn't want (but which you then also describe as 'lovely', so not really sure if you liked it or not?), to not get any food, to not ask for a seat - all of this suggests that you have a problem with asserting yourself.

Original poster
Jellyfish12 · 13/09/2019 17:06

Just realised I cross posted with ALOT of messaged because my signal went, sorry!

I should have been more specific regarding eating and sitting in my OP, I didn’t realise it would have become the main focus!

When I arrived I went around everyone (already seated in different sofa areas around the room) and said hello. As I was doing so, they must have announced that the buffet was open. When I realised I went over and happened to be the last person. A lot of the food had already gone. There were no sandwiches left but I got some pasta and coleslaw. Then I found there were no forks so, I mentioned it and asked if anyone else needed one but people were already busy eating so I went to find a staff member and asked for some more. By the time I got said fork, I tried to find somewhere to sit but ended up being overly polite when only my best friend offered her seat up for me and I stood. Then continued to stand as the day continued as, everyone was settled in their seats.

I didn’t mean to come across as a martyr. My annoyance wasn’t at the standing and eating, that was intended as a passing comment. I was just a bit upset that my family know I hate to be centre of attention because I get so anxious but, ignored me and threw one anyway.

OP posts: