To be grumpy about 40yo boyfriend suddenly clubbing alot

[Beingunreasonableprobably]

I realise I probably am, but would benefit from being told what others think

I've woken up this morning to see on social media that my boyfriend of three months has been out clubbing again, it's the second time in a week. He has checked himself in to places on Facebook to let people know what he's upto.

He was very quiet yesterday and not very talkative through text, all fine, and I thought he was just busy and tired because he was working from home and hadn't been sleeping well (this is what he said the day before) but he's clearly not that tired if he can manage two club nights in a week.

I realise he doesn't have to run everything by me but i feel slightly uncomfortable barely hearing from him and then waking up to see he has spent the night on the town.

Perhaps I have a preconceived idea that only single younger folk go out clubbing regularly. He's 40.

I'm laid up at home feeling under the weather so there's probably a degree of jealousy involved to be completely honest (I haven't mentioned feeling poorly though) so an invite would have been nice as I'm yet to meet his friends.

We don't live together and it has only been three months.

Am I being controlling? How would you feel?

I'm a bit because when we met he said clubbing isn't something he really does and he barely drinks, so why now.

Sounds like he lied at the start and is now beginning the relax - that's what I'd think

And I don't think you're being controlling as you're not trying to control what he does, you're just perplexed by his change in behaviour.

Thank you, I've been sat wondering if I'm becoming one of them possessive types who don't like their partners to have a social life but that's really not me. I've never had problems with feeling secure in a relationship before, but for some reason I do with him because he's unpredictable and sketchy.

Why didn’t offer to take you with him?

I don’t think he’s worth the hassle by the sound of it.

That's what I'm wondering Sinister, he didn't know I was feeling under the weather so there's no reason for him not to have extended an invitation to join him.

Unless he didn't want me there for a specific reason, because taking his girlfriend would mean he can't act single.

We've had one boozy night out since we met and that was our first date, usually If I suggest popping to the pub to have one or two after a date he says he's not drinking but that isn't tallying up with what his social media portrays. It's strange

We're exclusive if that makes a difference too

Afyer three months isn't this just a sign you're not compatible
Sounds like he's changed his mind about clubbing for whatever reason

Yes stealth I'm starting to think so, which is a shame because I really liked him

He doesn't have to run anything past you
I'd dump you so fast if I was him
Wow.

I think your feelings are because he is showing you a side that is at odds with how he first presented himself.

I would expect a bf of 3 months to mention he was going out. Not for permission bu to share where he is going and who with so you get to know him and the people in his life.

If you feel uncomfortable it is your instinct acting for you, it doesn't feel right and you don't need cast iron case. I think the lack of sharing is actually the main issue and the contradiction with his comments early on.

It's not that I expect him to run things past me.

I'm just confused by the sudden change and the lack of wanting to include me at all.

Yes Techway I think you've hit the nail on the head.

We usually share our days and what we have on, as standard conversation.

Is it possible he doesn’t drink, but takes other drugs?

In your scenario, I’d prolly back off a bit. Once you’re feeling better, ramp up your own social life seperate to his. Be a bit busy and unavailable. See what happens.

My granny would add (it’s an Italian saying): ‘If the bud in your hand is truly a flower, then it’ll bloom’.

I guess it means you can’t tell the truth or value of someone until you patiently watch. But get on with your life, too. We don’t need to be wallflowers in hope of someone blooming for us these days!

Personally, his behaviour would be a turn-off for me. But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong behaviour. Just out of sync with the partnership I want.

I do with him because he's unpredictable and sketchy

What does this mean? In what w

Sorry - baby posted!

In what way is he sketchy and unpredictable?

Sorry :( if after three short months he's not keen to spend loads of time with you and is already acting 'unpredictable' I think he's just not that bothered. I suspect he sees your relationship as more casual than you do iyswim

While he's not technically doing anything wrong, I have a hunch that not many 40 year old men who aren't't normally big drinkers suddenly want to go clubbing with their mates and without girlfriend just because they fancy a dance, i.e. I would suspect it's more about pulling. If he was already into a particular club scene or something, that would be different of course. Though it could be entirely innocent I guess.

However I think Skittles suggestion about getting on with your own life and seeing how things go is excellent advice, along with seeing what your gut tells you over the next few weeks etc.

I'm pretty certain he doesn't take drugs but if I didn't know what he did for a living I would probably wonder that myself, because of the sudden want to be in clubs all night.

I went for a family meal last month and my DSis tagged me in a photo of several of us clinging our wine glasses and saying "cheers" and he messaged me to ask if I was planning on going on the town after, so that says to me that he'd probably like to know if I was planning to.

I wouldn't say I'm a boring person I do enjoy having a good time so would have liked for him to invite me along to meet whoever he went with, even if I couldn't make it this time the fact he offered would have been nice.

I think just as PP's have said, it's the contradictory behaviour and lack of sharing that has made me uncomfortable. I would never try and tell him what he can and can't do and he has no idea I've got the hump about it.

By sketchy and unpredictable I'm referring to him saying shortly before that he was very tired and has hardly slept, had lots of revision to do (he's also doing a degree) to suddenly being out dancing the night away.

If he wasn't making a show of our relationship on social media I would now be wondering myself whether he's just not that into me.

We see each other once a week (twice last week as he came with me to an appointment) but the general gist I get from him is that he's always busy - that's another reason I'm a bit as for somebody who is so busy he's finding plenty of time to have a leisurely time, without me.

If I had a big night out planned I'm sure he'd be the first person I would invite out.

Are you both a similar age? I may well be wrong on this but I'd be of the same opinion that people in their 40s have left the clubbing scene behind them & moved on to other things.
Maybe he has trouble accenting that he's getting older. Are his FB friends around his own age or are they a lot younger? I met a guy once at the home of a mutual acquaintance who kept asking me to guess how old he was, wouldn't give over until I did. My corrct guess of early to mid 40s, which he clearly looked, went down like a lead balloon since he's convinced himself he could almost pass as a teenager in the right light.
Not having met any of his friends after 3 months doesn't sound good. There may not be any mileage left in this relationship for you, OP. Might be time to cut your losses & wait for someone more compatible.

Strangely enough I'm considerably younger than him, going out clubbing every weekend would be more common within my own age bracket than his.

I enjoy a night out every so often but twice in a week would write me off I'd have thought, and I'm not doing a degree on top of my work.

I must admit I did for a moment wonder if he was taking the mick to make it look like it social life was buzzing. I will soon know if he uploads any videos to social media like he did when he went out the other night

Yes it's a shame I haven't met his friends yet (they are his age too) but I have met his family so it's not as though he's hiding me completely.

Yes I think I'll take a step back to to re evaluate things, purely because of perceived incompatibility.

I've always felt secure in previous relationships so this is uncharted territory for me. I think my subconscious is telling me we are not compatible.

You day you're exclusive. I get that you are, but I've got doubts about him!

Whose idea was the exclusivity, actually? His behaviour isn't tallying with the person he initially presented as and he might be working to double standards.

Try having a night out yourself, when you're better, without inviting or informing him beforehand. Check in at a venue or two and wait for his reaction. That should tell you all you need to know!

It was him who initiated the exclusivity conversation, him who began to parade the relationship on social media and him who suggested I meet some of his family - so the conflicting behaviours are very confusing for me.

Yes NearlyGranny that is exactly what I'm planning to do now