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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be grumpy about 40yo boyfriend suddenly clubbing alot

120 replies

Beingunreasonableprobably · 13/09/2019 08:51

I realise I probably am, but would benefit from being told what others think

I've woken up this morning to see on social media that my boyfriend of three months has been out clubbing again, it's the second time in a week. He has checked himself in to places on Facebook to let people know what he's upto.

He was very quiet yesterday and not very talkative through text, all fine, and I thought he was just busy and tired because he was working from home and hadn't been sleeping well (this is what he said the day before) but he's clearly not that tired if he can manage two club nights in a week.

I realise he doesn't have to run everything by me but i feel slightly uncomfortable barely hearing from him and then waking up to see he has spent the night on the town.

Perhaps I have a preconceived idea that only single younger folk go out clubbing regularly. He's 40.

I'm laid up at home feeling under the weather so there's probably a degree of jealousy involved to be completely honest (I haven't mentioned feeling poorly though) so an invite would have been nice as I'm yet to meet his friends.

We don't live together and it has only been three months.

Am I being controlling? How would you feel?

I'm a bit Confused because when we met he said clubbing isn't something he really does and he barely drinks, so why now.

OP posts:
dollydaydream114 · 13/09/2019 11:06

You've only been together for three months - that's nothing, in the big scheme of things. If you've only been together for such a short time, I don't think you can call this a 'sudden' behaviour change because for all you know it might be thing he's always done periodically even if hasn't been apparent in the 12 weeks or so you've been together.

If he's 'checking in' to places on social media, he's obviously not trying to hide it from you. And you say 'an invite would have been nice' but then you also say you think clubbing is for 'younger single folk' so perhaps he assumed you wouldn't want to go - plus, I don't think it's unreasonable for him to go out with his friends without inviting you.

I do think that perhaps your expectations of a relationship might be different from his, though? This doesn't mean either of you are being unreasonable, really, but just that you might not want the same things from one another at this stage.

I think you just need to talk to him, really. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it but I would just straight out ask him in a light-hearted way 'You've been hitting the town a bit this week - what's brought that on?' And then if he says he likes going to clubs now and again you could say you'd like to go with him one day. And if he says 'Oh, god, I didn't really want to go but I went for a quiet drink and somehow got roped into going to this awful place, it's not really my thing to be honest' then you'll know it was just one of those things and probably nothing to worry about.

I do think it would be unreasonable, childish and passive-aggressive to check in to a club on social media yourself just to get a reaction from him. If you have to play weird mind-games in a relationship instead of having an honest conversation, it's not a healthy relationship.

Jellybeansincognito · 13/09/2019 11:06

My first question to myself was ‘what sort of 40 year old wants to go clubbing?’
(Sorry if that offends anyone, I just don’t get it? Sticky floors, young roudy crowds, massive queues to get a drink etc).

And then I’d ask why 3 months in he’s not dropping it into conversation/ going quiet like that.

It doesn’t sound like a heavily invested romance? The honeymoon phase is always the most fun, not filled with confusions such as this one.

I hope you manage to sort it!

Hollycatberry · 13/09/2019 11:09

I wouldn't bother checking in somewhere on facebook - what will that achieve?

I think the clubbing is a red herring. You're annoyed he had time for a night out rather than seeing you really?

But you are still in early days of the relationship and its not unhealthy to see friends/collegues/his student friends separately for now. You should make sure you do the same and don't completely jump into this relationship.
Maybe the night started as a few drinks and ended up bigger. That happens and he doesn't necessarily need to justify that unless he had made some kind of promise to you. Are you sure he didn't enjoy the odd big night out before you met as well?
If pinning him down to meet up is an issue you need to consider whether you think he's on the same page as you in terms of expectations in this relationship. It sounds like you want more from him right now and maybe he can't/won't commit and wants to keep some independence despite you being his girlfriend. Only you can determine whether that's acceptable or not.

StealthPolarBear · 13/09/2019 11:12

I think the ops confusion was the he was the one who wanted more originally. He's just blowing hot and cold

Original poster
Beingunreasonableprobably · 13/09/2019 11:18

Yes he was the one that seemed very invested first. Initially I had no long term expectations and was just enjoying dating. It was only after he expressed a clear want for us to be exclusive and become serious that I came around to the idea and began to want the same.

I don't think I'd have any issues with all of this if was consistent, acting in accordance to the personality he portrayed and if it had been something he'd always done. It really does seem to be a sudden shift. There's no signs of nights out clubbing on his social media before he met me, just the odd pint or two with friends and food etc.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 13/09/2019 11:48

Did you say, OP, that he posts videos of his 'clubbing' on Social Media? What the hell FOR?!? Am I just an old fart these days, but what is the point of putting up videos from clubs, other than for all friends to see and admire?

From what you're saying, he wasn't into clubbing or going out, then suddenly he met you and WHAM, he's Peter Stringfellow (or someone, told you, I'm an old fart).

Is he trying to make himself look more interesting? Or younger? Or a pillock?

Confusedbeetle · 13/09/2019 11:52

I dont think he is committed to an exclusive relationship. He is a bit old for this game

Original poster
Beingunreasonableprobably · 13/09/2019 11:57

I haven't a clue Zaph, it's strange

Yes he posted a video from inside a club the other day, panning round the room showing the buzzing atmosphere and revellers having a good time. He complained to me a few days later that his friend had ended up drunk and wandered off leaving him in central London, so he got lost.

He posted a similar video of a club atmosphere from the night we met and were out having a dance.

I think whatever his motivation for the sudden partying he wants people to see he's having a good time.

He also says he needs to save money because of his studies but has no qualms forking out for expensive nights in the city it seems, just not with me.

Don't get me wrong he's not a tight person when it comes to dates and we contribute evenly, but saving money is still a reason he's cited previously only meeting up once a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingunreasonableprobably · 13/09/2019 11:57

I think so aswell to be honest, confused

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 13/09/2019 12:02

He sounds a tad confused. In a relationship once a week, clubbing twice a week, let you meet his family but not his friends.....Confused

NellNorth · 13/09/2019 12:10

Does he post these videos late at night? Maybe he compartmentalises his life- keeps the heavy drinking/drug taking away from his girlfriend.
You said you’ve only had one boozy night, which was your first date-did he drink excessively that night? Perhaps he feels he has a drink problem, and is trying to hide that ( unsuccessfully, if he posts drunk!)

Original poster
Beingunreasonableprobably · 13/09/2019 12:10

Yes Quite, Mariana

Its no wonder I'm confused really is it, I think he certainly is

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 13/09/2019 12:11

I'd be taking a step back op and just watching to see how this pans out. No dramatic exits or anything. Just keep your guard up and if it looks like he's playing you, quietly exit and delete him. I understand why you feel a bit Confused.

Original poster
Beingunreasonableprobably · 13/09/2019 12:12

The video he's posted of the first night out this week he posted two days after said night out, so not at the time.

He didn't drink excessively on our first date no, in fact I recall I drank a little bit more than him and was having such a good time it was me encouraging him to stay out half the night

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingunreasonableprobably · 13/09/2019 12:13

Thank you Candy that's my plan in going forward now, wait watch observe and extricate myself if it becomes clear he's playing me

OP posts:
Fieldofgreycorn · 13/09/2019 12:16

Saying this as tactfully as I can but it sounds like he’s keeping his options open and looking for other possibilities.

Re controlling, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone to go out with just their mates now and again. But this sounds like it’s something else. You can probably trust your intuition.

Techway · 13/09/2019 12:17

If you feel the need to play games or spend so much time trying to analyse what he thinks then my experience says bale.

It is just an unhealthy dynamic which usually never gets better.

easyandy101 · 13/09/2019 12:18

Show him this thread so he can run a mile

AryaStarkWolf · 13/09/2019 12:20

I mean he can go clubbing if he wants, that's not unreasonable but neither are you unreasonable for not wanting to be with a guy who goes clubbing a couple of times a week.....it wouldn't be my cup of tea either. I know I'm probably being ageist or whatever but I'd find it slightly weird actually

HopefullyAnonymous · 13/09/2019 12:20

YANBU to feel like he’s not making you a priority. At that stage I’d still be expecting you both to be dying to see each other often.

YWBU to start posting things online when they aren’t true. What would you say when he mentioned it?! Honestly once either of you start playing silly games the relationship is doomed. I’d be reevaluating where this is going, it’s still early days and not worth the drama.

Original poster
Beingunreasonableprobably · 13/09/2019 12:20

Yep I agree with those comments

I think my gut is telling me he's keeping his options open, and the fact I've even considered testing his reaction to similar behaviour means at best that there's a lack of communication and at worst it's a potentially unhealthy relationship in the making.

I've never had confusion this early on with any previous love interests, bar one in my late teens which in hindsight can be attributed to young age, but not what you'd expect from a 40 year old

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingunreasonableprobably · 13/09/2019 12:23

I appreciate I might sound a bit bat shit based on this thread alone, but there has been some other blowing hot and cold which has contributed to how I feel about this now. I'm not a lunatic, I promise Blush

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noodlenosefraggle · 13/09/2019 12:30

It sounds like he's having some kind of "Shit I'm 40" episode with the clubbing and the much younger girlfriend that he shows off on social media and to his family but not his actual real friends that make up his social life. I'm sure you can do better than running after a nearly middle aged man who goes clubbing twice a week and doesn't want to see you that often. I would pull back a bit and tag yourself out with your friends too. 3 months is about the time you get to know if he's worth it or not.

Spingtrolls · 13/09/2019 12:34

I'm in my 40's. I don't do drugs or drink and still, go clubbing. I don't go to socialise but get lost in the music all night. But then some of my friends are in their 50's and also go clubbing. It's not unusual especially with oldskool being played in a lot of places.

It's only been 3 months. Am I the only one that one month can have loads of invites and another month hardly any? So I don't see this as strange behaviour.

Thehop · 13/09/2019 12:43

Could he be trying to make you jealous? Provoking in an attempt for a reaction?

Or a mid life crisis?

Trying to impress you?

I would also tag myself “out “ as a last minute thing