To be grumpy about 40yo boyfriend suddenly clubbing alot

[Beingunreasonableprobably]

I realise I probably am, but would benefit from being told what others think

I've woken up this morning to see on social media that my boyfriend of three months has been out clubbing again, it's the second time in a week. He has checked himself in to places on Facebook to let people know what he's upto.

He was very quiet yesterday and not very talkative through text, all fine, and I thought he was just busy and tired because he was working from home and hadn't been sleeping well (this is what he said the day before) but he's clearly not that tired if he can manage two club nights in a week.

I realise he doesn't have to run everything by me but i feel slightly uncomfortable barely hearing from him and then waking up to see he has spent the night on the town.

Perhaps I have a preconceived idea that only single younger folk go out clubbing regularly. He's 40.

I'm laid up at home feeling under the weather so there's probably a degree of jealousy involved to be completely honest (I haven't mentioned feeling poorly though) so an invite would have been nice as I'm yet to meet his friends.

We don't live together and it has only been three months.

Am I being controlling? How would you feel?

I'm a bit because when we met he said clubbing isn't something he really does and he barely drinks, so why now.

...an invite would have been nice as I'm yet to meet his friends.

After 3 months? That seems odd to me.

The only seeing each other once a week thing sounds odd, surely in those first heady months you would make time to see each other more than that if you were really enjoying the relationship. He doesn’t sound invested at all. Sorry Op.

This is mainly a response to - he's too old to go clubbing.

I'm 43, live in London. I love clubbing - mainly for music and dancing. Going out 2 or 3 times a week is fairly standard for me (albeit not clubbing very often) and factor in a "quick drink" after work which usually translates as late night. I work full time and don't have kids.

But some weeks my social life is pretty quiet - i.e. this week I've stayed in and barring a night out tonight, the weekend will be quiet. It just depends on me, or if my friends are around, or what I've got going one work-wise. My friends range in age to 30-60.

The fact you've only been going out for 3 months makes me think you're not compatible. Living in London gives you a ton of choice when it comes to going out.

Is he suddenly under a lot of stress about something, and is just trying to decompress by drinking and hitting a few clubs as a temporary escape? I only ask because this is how my DH tends to react when under a lot of stress. Not going clubbing, but heading to the pub and drinking while playing loads and loads of pool. He says it's the most effective way he knows to switch his head off for a bit.

It drives me up the wall because he gets the most godawful hangovers that last two days. But really I shouldn't omplain because otherwise, he never sets foot inside the pub unless there's a rugby international 😉

So, if I were you I'd check that he's coping okay and there's not some underlying issue.

You sound a bit controlling. So what if he wants to go clubbing? People aren't out to pasture when they're 40. I am not sure why you are bothered about this.

I'd dump him personally, my 46 year old exH suddenly decided to go to fetish clubs all the time and turned into a right idiot, our relationship never recovered.
I don't want to be married to the oldest swinger in town, I want someone I can enjoy nights and days out with myself and who behaves reasonably like a man in a relationship as opposed to a teenager.
Yuck.

I don't think it's so much the fact of him going out clubbing that the OP objects (not that it's even an objection, more of a wtf), as the fact that, when they met he said he wasn't into clubbing and was more of what sounds like a pie and a pint man. Then, suddenly he's off out in clubs... was he lying at first? Or has he had a personality transplant?

I am a bit about having met his family and not his friends, but I do know they know about me as we are all over Facebook. I haven't a clue why he hasn't made a point of introducing us, he may want to compartmentalize as PP suggested.

To be fair he hasn't met mine either, well he has one of them but it was only in passing.

I am getting the "He's just not into you" vibe because usually the first few months people want to spend lots of time together don't they, and he doesn't seem overly enthusiastic in that regard.

I'm pretty sure he's ok and not struggling with mental health or anything like that. He does have an exam coming up so it's possible he might be a bit stressed about that, but he hasn't said anything that would indicate as much.

I think it's a combination of the hot/cold, seemingly sudden change of interests and the fact he isn't as enthusiastic as I am about meeting more regularly, that has lead me to be confused. It's not the sole fact he's going out clubbing which in itself is perfectly acceptable.

I know with the age gap we are going to have differences but I think this thread has reassured me that even people in their 30s and 40s get excited to see a new love interest and think that once a week after three months is a bit flat.

Isn’t he a bit old for clubbing? Jeez

Until clubs start putting an upper age limit, you are never too young.
It's great seeing different age groups spanning decades.
A few years ago I remember talking to a 73-year-old guy. He'd been partying on and off for years. We were chatting outside and he said it was in his will that he didn't want people standing around being sad. He wanted them to go to his favourite club and he would join them!! I believe he probably did. He'd even left the money to do it.

For whatever reason, neither of you are at the introducing to friends stage. I don't blame either of you. You barely know each other.

That elderly gentleman sounds ace, spring

I'm not knocking the clubbing at 40, moreso querying why it's suddenly become such an important hobby considering he made a point of telling me it's something he doesn't generally bother with. He would say he's not a big drinker but now he's out on the lash clubbing twice a week when he's allegedly so busy. It has just surprised me.

I've made plans to go out with a friend tomorrow night if I'm feeling better, if not then she's coming round for a quiet one. I'm going to concentrate on my own fun rather than paying him too much mind.

What is the age gap op?

I'm 26 he's 40. We've caught up briefly this eve over text and I lightheartedly asked where my invitation was. He said it was a last minute thing for his friends birthday but he'll take me there sometime soon because it's a good place etc.

Shortly after that he uploaded a video to his Facebook which was the same sort as before, panning around the dancefloor, the guys he was with throwing shapes at the camera having a good time and that sort of thing but then he kept turning to video some woman about my own age who was dancing. I don't know if she was part of the group he was talking to but it didn't look like it.

That's absolutely not ok is it. Fucking creep.

No it’s not, there’s just under 10 years age difference in myself and my dh and in a few months we’ll have been together for 11 years, he’s the older one and should be the more mature one/ wanting to settle down.
Not behaving like this!

I think your head is telling you what you need to know and your heart is starting to follow x

I've had to reserve myself from saying something about that. It is quite different to filming the men he was socialising with isn't it?

If I was out enjoying myself I wouldn't want a random bloke filming me dancing. It's bordering on lecherous

I'd find it a bit weird if I was with a 40 year old and he was clubbing all the time.
Like the (potentially odd / creepy) older bloke in the club... sorry to be ageist but that is how younger people see it. And there's always one.

Perhaps he's not the one for you, OP?

I don't think he is Suzie, I don't want to be with somebody who thinks it's acceptable to film random young ladies dancing

Yeah I think it’s creepy, just like men who like photos of half naked/ naked women on Instagram.

Grim!

I'd take the fact he uploaded that video as a bit of a message :( He'll have looked at it before uploading, so he knows the 'random' woman is on there.

There are definitely people who still love clubbing at 40. I used to go with my DSD. But the men of that age were often letches. I think you're right to be hesitant about this guy. Everything you say is just that bit "off".

I'd make yourself a little less available OP even fake check in at a few places to make it look that way. As you don't actually have be at a place to check in. My teenage nieces taught me this as they Do it all the time to make there lives seem more exciting

Oh he does that too Jellybean, but it doesn't count because he'll never meet them IRL

Juells, very good point. He's smart and he'll know exactly how it looks.

I've cut the conversation short since I saw that and he's messaged a couple more times but I have no interest in speaking to him at the moment. I'm a bit repulsed.

Mylife yes I discovered that not so long ago, very useful I bet

It's him who thinks it doesn't count (liking half naked women's pictures on the internet) certainly not me btw

I'm 26 he's 40.

Honestly, with everything else you've said, this guy sounds like a creep. I'd bin him.

Sorry but it’s not going well and he’s of doing single bloke stuff