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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be grumpy about 40yo boyfriend suddenly clubbing alot

120 replies

Beingunreasonableprobably · 13/09/2019 08:51

I realise I probably am, but would benefit from being told what others think

I've woken up this morning to see on social media that my boyfriend of three months has been out clubbing again, it's the second time in a week. He has checked himself in to places on Facebook to let people know what he's upto.

He was very quiet yesterday and not very talkative through text, all fine, and I thought he was just busy and tired because he was working from home and hadn't been sleeping well (this is what he said the day before) but he's clearly not that tired if he can manage two club nights in a week.

I realise he doesn't have to run everything by me but i feel slightly uncomfortable barely hearing from him and then waking up to see he has spent the night on the town.

Perhaps I have a preconceived idea that only single younger folk go out clubbing regularly. He's 40.

I'm laid up at home feeling under the weather so there's probably a degree of jealousy involved to be completely honest (I haven't mentioned feeling poorly though) so an invite would have been nice as I'm yet to meet his friends.

We don't live together and it has only been three months.

Am I being controlling? How would you feel?

I'm a bit Confused because when we met he said clubbing isn't something he really does and he barely drinks, so why now.

OP posts:
mankyfourthtoe · 13/09/2019 10:10

Tbh if and when I saw him checked into somewhere, I'd check in there too. See what he has to say, panic or oh did we miss each other?

Original poster
Beingunreasonableprobably · 13/09/2019 10:14

That did make me laugh manky

If I didn't have children I may well have done that in jest, unfortunately he knows i wouldn't be able to just turn up somewhere on a whim and need to plan ahead when I'm going somewhere

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 13/09/2019 10:15

yanbu

Tink1989 · 13/09/2019 10:21

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I would certainly be a bit thrown by the sudden change in behavior. Could you suggest about going out together "clubbing" and maybe gauge his reaction from that? Confused

Original poster
Beingunreasonableprobably · 13/09/2019 10:28

Thank you I'm relieved that for the most part i dont come across as unreasonable.

I'm toying with the thought of "checking myself in" to a club later on tonight with it being Friday and seeing how he responds. I can set it so only he sees that. I have no intention of going out as I feel like crap, but I'm interested in seeing whether he's living by a double standard.

Or is that just childish? Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingunreasonableprobably · 13/09/2019 10:28

Tink yes I will definitely be asking when he and i are both going clubbing together, see what he says to that.

So long as he doesn't say tonight as that'll be my plot foiled Grin

OP posts:
Tink1989 · 13/09/2019 10:33

You'll be out clubbing with him every week now lol Grin
when my OH goes out and gets absolutely wankered I end up getting facetimed and passed on phone round his friends to say hello

Original poster
Beingunreasonableprobably · 13/09/2019 10:35

That's quite sweet in an annoying pissed up way to be fair Grin

OP posts:
Bibidy · 13/09/2019 10:35

I don't think there's anything wrong with this really - you have only been together three months so maybe it's that you're just starting to see more of how he lives his life and the things he enjoys?

Also it might be that he had a big night out planned, I've often gone for a couple of spontaneous drinks after work and it's ended up going on for longer than planned. So it might not be that he even had the chance to invite you.

Lvsel · 13/09/2019 10:37

You dont sound controlling more concerned of the change of behaviour.

I went through a phase from 26-27 of clubbing a lot which a lot said I should be bored of at that age but I never did it before so going to west london clubs ect was fun to me. I'm over that phase now though

Original poster
Beingunreasonableprobably · 13/09/2019 10:43

It may well have been a last minute thing absolutely, but that in itself is unusual for him as he doesn't seem to do last minute plans (at least when it comes to things with me) and tends to plan ahead and be hard to pin down spontaneously.

We both live in London, Lvsel and he was in one of the trendy popular clubs last night. He has only lived in the capital a year so I suppose that lifestyle could still be fresh and exciting to him.

Its just a bit disappointing because he knows i love things like that and it would have been nice if he thought "GF would like this, I'll see if she's busy"

OP posts:
Ginseng1 · 13/09/2019 10:46

Maybe he thinks you are not into clubbing & with the kids couldn't get a sitter last minute? If he putting it out over social media though he knows you'll know so he not hiding it. Its odd he didn't mention it unless it was a last minute thing you know went out for a pint but ended up 'out out' iykwim!!

WizzyBee · 13/09/2019 10:47

You say he's doing a degree - is he socialising with others on his course who will mostly be late teens/ early 20 year olds? Assuming he's not doing distance learning.
He sounds a bit weird to me. As others have said, 40 yr olds are generally past the clubbing stage.
And that he's said he's not sleeping well but hasn't said it's because he's been out clubbing seems a bit devious.
All in all it sounds like you want different things out of life and this relationship isn't greatly going anywhere. I think you should dump him, not necessarily in a nasty way, and get on with your own life.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 13/09/2019 10:48

You only see each other once a week and you live in the same city? Hmm

Original poster
Beingunreasonableprobably · 13/09/2019 10:52

He's doing his degree with the OU and has never mentioned anything about meeting up with other students or people from the lectures. I appreciate he may well have made friends that way and just not mentioned them.

Fair point about the sitter and last minute plans too.

Something that is peculiar is this, whenever he's going for a meal or to a friend's or shopping or whatever he always drops it into conversation, but never when he's going out out.

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Original poster
Beingunreasonableprobably · 13/09/2019 10:54

Sinister yes, same city but 45 mins away from one another.

The once a week thing isn't my decision, I would quite like to see him more. I think this is also a contributing factor to my annoyance with the spontaneous clubbing, because he always seems too busy to commit to seeing me more than once a week but has all the time in the world for this.

OP posts:
FloatingObject · 13/09/2019 10:55

In my experience clubbers in their forties aren't doing drink if you get me...

AnneKipanki · 13/09/2019 10:57

Maybe he is not who he says he is .

Original poster
Beingunreasonableprobably · 13/09/2019 10:57

Absolutely floating, though he works in a sector where they do random drugs tests so I don't see how he could pull it off

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Original poster
Beingunreasonableprobably · 13/09/2019 10:58

Quite possible Anne, who he says he is doesn't match his behaviour at all.

I do know he's not married, has no DC and I'm sure he doesn't have an OW only because of his openness on social media.

But you never know, I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beingunreasonableprobably · 13/09/2019 11:01

I'll not be contacting him first today for once and I'm going to check myself in to somewhere tonight and see what his reaction is to that.

Either way I think it's best I don't invest too much at this stage as there shouldn't be this degree of uncertainty during what is supposed to be the best bit.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 13/09/2019 11:01

Can you check on somewhere when you're not there?
Anyway I don't think you need to play games. Carry on seeing him if you want to but with this in the back of your mind. You're only three months in, it shouldn't be difficult at this stage

StealthPolarBear · 13/09/2019 11:02

Yes that's what I mean, don't invest too much. Good idea

Original poster
Beingunreasonableprobably · 13/09/2019 11:05

You can check in somewhere when you're not there yes, which is why for a moment I wondered if he was even out in the first place as twice in a week seems odd when you're apparently so busy

OP posts:
Juells · 13/09/2019 11:06

Either way I think it's best I don't invest too much at this stage as there shouldn't be this degree of uncertainty during what is supposed to be the best bit.

Spot on.

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